His constant need of validation, love etc is draining

[eilmurf]

I'm a "survivor" of almost 7 years of marriage (if thats want you could call it) to a husband who though hes been to "top psychologists" and counselors has never been diagnosed. In fact the therapists always turn the tables on me and yes my husband is very good at what he does-can fool the best of them. He is a high functioning BPD excels and thrives in a high ranking position in the military (no-one seems to suspect his disorder). He demands from me this constant flow of admiration, pats on the back and  and I love you all the time. It's draining. In fact it was the hot topic with his therapist about why I dont tell him I love him ha ha funny as heck sometimes when I seriously think about it. No one can meet this standard of constant approval seeking and when I dont give him the attention he splits,  gets unreasonable and feels hopeless about this marriage. We have a 3 year old together who he hasn't come to see in 6 months (husbands in another state for military purposes), and now all of a sudden he wants him for fathers day to take to some hotel for 3 days which I'm not happy about but have no choice but to let my child go even though I do not feel he is safe with him. So two areas here how do you put up with or deal with the "high demands" of the BPD for constant affection and love and wanting their ego stroked 24/7 (very draining) and how should I handle my fears about him taking our child? My husband has been gone btw for 3 years (grace of God in my opinion) he has paid the bills but always gets irritated when rent is due and has stopped giving me any money for living expenses. I dont come to these boards too often but I have and do apply a lot of the tools Ive learned here and elsewhere and have seemed to cope well despite all the challenges I face.

[OutOfEgypt]

So two areas here how do you put up with or deal with the "high demands" of the BPD for constant affection and love and wanting their ego stroked 24/7 (very draining) and how should I handle my fears about him taking our child?

The second question is very difficult.  You know better than any of us what real fears and dangers are there.  Neurotic "anxiety" and fear, actual fear, are not the same, and it sounds like you are talking about the latter.  I don't know but at some point that fear, if sound, will need to grow feet and do some moving!

As to the first question... . I was actually just thinking about something like this, this morning.  When I was with my uBPDw, I always was trying to find ways to "cope with" and "handle" things... . to find a way to emotionally deal with it all and keep the boat floating at the same time.  And I caught myself doing that recently with a girl I'm dating, and thankfully I said to myself, "But why would I WANT to?"  I never want to go back to that kind of life.  I'm sorry.  I know that doesn't really give you advice, but maybe it is a valid question to ask yourself.  Why would you want to continually "find a way" to deal with these things?  Why are you (or I) always the one trying to figure out how to carry the other person's crap, when it is clearly non-mutual and only harmful to you (or me)?

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi eilmurf--

There's a really important point in what OutOfEgypt said about why we choose to cope and handle and keep the boat floating. I've been in my marriage for many long years, and I did the coping thing without realizing that's what I was doing until the past few years. And all of that energy we spend on trying to manage their emotions etc. is energy we honestly need for ourselves. And we can't truly even manage them and their issues because they're the only one with that kind of control. We can only change and control what we ourselves do, and that's what I've been trying to do for the more recent years.

How will your 3 year old react to being out of your care and with the father he hasn't seen in 6 months? Will you be nearby?

It severely stinks when the person with BPD or whatever might be going on is able to charm their way through with psychologists etc., leaving you in the dust. I had a friend go through that. The real issues go unaddressed.

Have you read the Choosing a Path links at the right side of the page? It's really important for us to, as it says, "try to see yourself for who you really are in your relationship." Are your own needs being met or are you only working to meet his? In my r/s (relationship) I finally saw that our r/s was very one-sided, and now even with me taking a big "time out" and staying at my daughter's house, he still wants to call and talk at me about his conversations with other people etc., but he's not terribly interested in me, and had withdrawn physical affection pretty much for the past few years. 

It can be painful but so healing for us to look at the r/s honestly. Once I realized I was pretty much in "management mode" all the time, trying to make sure he was happy so he wouldn't blow up (and that was never going to work anyway!) my therapist asked me why I thought I needed to do that. It tool a while to realize it wasn't actually MY JOB to try to keep him happy, only he could do that. And I deserve to be respected and loved and listened to as well! and I wasn't even taking care of myself.

If he isn't sending you money for living expenses how do you pay for things? are you working?

Truth is, the pwBPD wants a lot from us and like you said, 24/7. But when we try to fill that need of theirs we just keep them from growing up and learning to take care of themselves that way.

We need to do so much more than cope or survive, we need to thrive ourselves.

[OutOfEgypt]

he still wants to call and talk at me about his conversations with other people etc.,

So funny (but not).  My ex would do the same with me.  It's like "WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?"  It's like a weird way to hang onto us... . or more accurately, provoke us to hang onto them, suck us back into the emotional dominion.  I really started to emotionally detach from all of that.  She doesn't nearly as much any more.

This is our temple, and we are the king/queen of our temple.  It is up to us to clean house and get all the bad out, and that means taking out the sword (I'm obviously being figurative, in case any would-be psychos read this).  They aren't going to help us do it.  

[eilmurf]

Thank you both for your timely responses. There is a reason I have to keep the boat afloat awhile longer. First it took me a few years into the marriage to figure out something was seriously wrong. I like many of us thought there was something really wrong with me and felt I was losing my mind ( the head games were working). I had no clue about BPD or any close experience with people with a mental disorder. When we got married it was 6 weeks after I lost my father (emotional wreck) he had me pegged said all the right things and a year later we were married and the drama began. By this time I had left my familiar and secure surrounding for the unknown I was already in deep water without knowing it. All my extra saving s went into our wedding and there was little money to bail out with. I had a son (from previous) and my elderly mom as he insisted we have her come with us to care for her. It was looking back all part of the plan to get me into the web. I "woke up fully" 4 years later from going we can figure this out were not stupid people to planning my escape route. I never saw myself as co-dependent but realized I was looking to him for things I needed to do for myself... . through this entire process I have learned so much about me and can't move fast enough forward and away from this situation. I do not have a career, the old one would not pay me enough to go back into so im sort of reinventing myself along the way, almost finished a degree and trying to pull things together to make a stand on my own. Its a little tricky to say the least... . but im getting there. I value a great deal your insights which both have been helpful and I totally get everything you're saying. I have been "coping" and not living for years and am tired of the games and living in survival mode. I put up with his shenanigans out of fear of the unknown and ceased to exist, no life, no joy etc... but im getting stronger and so appreciate you guys,,every time Ive come to these boards the feedback has been exactly what I needed to hear and has helped me in some way grow! Thank you! Very valid question to ask myself outofegypt why do I think I have to keep trying to cope and figure this out?... I think I have that answer and have had it for sometime,,just need to walk that right path for me, I cant fix him and playing the happy families game in my head is long over. Dreamflyer the only reason I have continued in this crazy situation is I fear for my child and have bought into not believing  I could Cope on my own financially etc. When I don't give him what he wants then the other side comes out and he stops the support which is why its important I get out from under his control tactics asap. I have ended up a shell of the person I once was-not perfect before but neither would I have tolerated this type of thing. I would have walked... . but after years of emotionally abuse and head games-wow, well you know how it goes. I actually just wrote a paper on PTSD for victims of abuse, it was very helpful and healing to me. The symptoms we go through are very similar... .

[DreamFlyer99]

eilmurf--

i bet reading up on trauma showed you a lot about yourself--i know it did me. It's interesting how we can get so involved in taking care of the other person that we aren't even looking out for ourselves. My T has consistently pointed me toward self-awareness and self-care. i hope you are doing even some little things for yourself that feel nurturing.

i understand that need to get your finances together. Can you get some things in writing with your husband in terms of living expenses etc.? The military used to be very big about their people taking care of their families and wouldn't tolerate someone not providing for their child and wife. Is there some sort of military wives type of support you could talk to?

[eilmurf]

Dreamflyer I have given up on trying to get the military to help and was very actively involved in the past with trying to get the military to do anything for us,,his boss would call him and he tells them he is paying the bills etc and not to take much notice of me because I'm just crazy anyway, so they dont go any further. The help ive gotten was zero believe it or not and I was very persistent. The military covers its own dont let anyone tell ya different,,they really do not care. When I went to the JAG they totally defended his actions and told me he doesn't have to pay a thing but child support for the one child we have together. Yes those on the receiving end of a disordered person such as with BPD often suffer symptoms of PTSD. I still find it difficult to be at total ease (always expecting something to happen at any moment), don't sleep well, my nerves are often raw and I become irritable and angry easily-that would be my bad days but more and more the better days are being counted. The longer he is gone the stronger im starting to feel. Self-care is very hard for me,I try but definitely a work in progress. On my last class to finish my degree and I continue to set goals to press ahead. Its not easy crawling out of the hole but I'm determined to not stay there either.

[DreamFlyer99]

eilmurf,

i definitely feel ya on that PTSD thing and the difficulty in crawling out of the hole!

Finding out i have chronic PTSD and complex PTSD explained a lot for me, why i've reacted the way i have, all that. i'm so sad to hear that the military is so unhelpful to your financial needs.  

Being away from your h so long must be helpful to your state of mind--it's been 3 months that i've been out of my house away from my uBPDh and i'm finally getting some clarity. It's a mind-muddling thing to deal with. Could you get your doctor to prescribe something to help you sleep better? That in itself would make you feel a hundred times better.

OutofEgypt, being "talked at" is something i had only come to realize in the past few years, and something i'm not sorry to be away from at the moment.