Biblical marriage possible at all? Husband is BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Thanks for sharing your story, empath.  As a side note - DH has said the same things about his issues.  Blames them on "being a more emotional/sensitive/passionate" guy, creative/artistic, depression/anxiety, and also ADD.  It doesn't bother me as much now (it's just how he copes), but I was pretty mad about that shortly after BPD was pinpointed as the real cause.  I felt like the BPD was presenting me with a bunch of rabbit holes and gaslighting at the same time (all emotional guys are like this, it's normal - it's YOU who isn't normal and can't deal with it).  I felt so duped.

At this point in my journey, I feel like God is leading me to keep my family safe when I feel like we are in danger.  Part of that may be due to the fact that we may be unequally yoked (which is what I suspect, but no way to really know 100%).  I'm putting my faith in God to show me where I can submit and where it's not safe to.  Emotional abuse and manipulation muddy the waters here, but I'm glad to be having the conversation.

I don't think that spouses are actually supposed to be in agreement about everything at least not from a biblical standpoint.

Now that I understand BPD better and how it can affect a person, I understand some of the actions as ways that he tries to cope with difficult emotions. There are still consequences to those actions, though.

We had a conversation recently where I had to tell him that if he had continued to act in anger toward our daughter, the kids and I would have left. Safety of the kids is one of the places that I won't back down.

[empath]

Thanks for sharing your story, empath.  As a side note - DH has said the same things about his issues.  Blames them on "being a more emotional/sensitive/passionate" guy, creative/artistic, depression/anxiety, and also ADD.  It doesn't bother me as much now (it's just how he copes), but I was pretty mad about that shortly after BPD was pinpointed as the real cause.  I felt like the BPD was presenting me with a bunch of rabbit holes and gaslighting at the same time (all emotional guys are like this, it's normal - it's YOU who isn't normal and can't deal with it).  I felt so duped.

At this point in my journey, I feel like God is leading me to keep my family safe when I feel like we are in danger.  Part of that may be due to the fact that we may be unequally yoked (which is what I suspect, but no way to really know 100%).  I'm putting my faith in God to show me where I can submit and where it's not safe to.  Emotional abuse and manipulation muddy the waters here, but I'm glad to be having the conversation.

I don't think that spouses are actually supposed to be in agreement about everything at least not from a biblical standpoint.

Now that I understand BPD better and how it can affect a person, I understand some of the actions as ways that he tries to cope with difficult emotions. There are still consequences to those actions, though.

We had a conversation recently where I had to tell him that if he had continued to act in anger toward our daughter, the kids and I would have left. Safety of the kids is one of the places that I won't back down.

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[formflier]

 

We had a conversation recently where I had to tell him that if he had continued to act in anger toward our daughter, the kids and I would have left. Safety of the kids is one of the places that I won't back down.[/quote]
Amen to safety for the kids!

[Turkish]

This is an interesting subject. I recall a similar thread last year, which talked about forgiving or enduring abuse from a Christian perspective, but I can't remember which board it was on... .

I unequally yoked myself with my uBPDx. As my Christian T said, "find someone your own level next time. Spritually, emotionally, maturity-wise, financially, and physically" (I think he threw the last one in to be funny).

I never married mine, but it was a permanent engagement. She telegraphed almost a pathological fear of marriage (commitment)  when I met her. So I was warned, and chose to do it my way instead of God's way where I should have walked away, rather than arrogantly thinking that by leading, I could "save" her.

After flirting with Buddhism the last year as she detached, she's suddenly mirroring evangelical Christianity... . on the surface. I think some of it has to do with me getting back to the church and taking our kids, and some of it may be mirroring her young narcissist, whose public piety is quite sickening to me (non Christians have told me it's odd). Though he knew we weren't married, he participated in breaking up a family with little children. He loves quoting bible verses on his FB (and on her page, I am told), but I only point to the controversy when Mary was with the Christ Child, and Joseph's dilemma. They weren't married at the time. I have a plethory of verses to say to him, if I ever meet him. He sinned against us, and though I can take it as a man, he participated the neglect and abandonment of our children. Luke 17:2--->:)aniel 5:27.

As for marriage... . I think back to "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath." I don't think I'm being heretical here to say that this can apply to marriage as well. Husbands are taught to LOVE. Breaking that part of the commandment is breaking part of the oath and bond of marriage.  Infidelity is the explicit example of when it is ok to divorce. We are taught to submit to the authorities. Yet did not Jesus himself and also the apostles defy the authorities when their requirements violated God's? Establishing boundaries I don't think is in violation of submission, especially when your authority is abusing you. Slaves were commanded to obey their masters, yet on the other hand, masters were also taught to be kind to their slaves. Husbands were commanded to love their wives as their own bodies, and also as Christ loved the church. Are we abused by God? (in our limited minds, perhaps it might seem to sometimes)

This is a tough thing to process, and takes great faith to navigate.

[formflier]

This is a tough thing to process, and takes great faith to navigate.

Yes it does! 

Turkish,

Thanks for sharing your story. 

So... . if I understand right your pwBPD is acting like an evangelical Christian... . but somehow ignoring the contradictions of how she is actually behaving? 

[Turkish]

This is a tough thing to process, and takes great faith to navigate.

Yes it does! 

Turkish,

Thanks for sharing your story. 

So... . if I understand right your pwBPD is acting like an evangelical Christian... . but somehow ignoring the contradictions of how she is actually behaving? 

In short, yes, though she doesn't pretend to be saved at least. If I went into detail, it's leaving board stuff and would hijack the thread 

Satan quoted scripture to Jesus. I told her this. That her young narcissist is "spiritual and reads the Bible" means nothing. She may be mirroring both of us, or it may be a "God thing" as well. Or all of these.

[empath]

One of the things that I've noticed with my husband is the 'mirroring' thing; it makes me really uncomfortable. Anyway, he will change his views depending on who he wants to be accepted by. He was raised in a fundamentalist home/denomination, but he has since changed his views. Evidently, my views and positions are irrelevant to him. When he tries a new direction, his spiritual views change.

In one of our recent discussions, he said that if 'things didn't work out' (meaning he couldn't be part of a congregation without being 'in charge' he might just leave the church altogether. As I've been thinking about that more, I think it is more his splitting tendency that is happening than a 'spiritual' thing -- there is no grey, it's all or nothing.

[formflier]

That has got to be incredibly frustrating.

Luckily... . I honestly believe my uBPDw is saved.  As BPD traits have gotten worse... . I have seen her wrestle more with putting beliefs into action... . but I don't think in her "normal" moments that she questions her salvation.

One of the things that I've noticed with my husband is the 'mirroring' thing; it makes me really uncomfortable. Anyway, he will change his views depending on who he wants to be accepted by. He was raised in a fundamentalist home/denomination, but he has since changed his views. Evidently, my views and positions are irrelevant to him. When he tries a new direction, his spiritual views change.

In one of our recent discussions, he said that if 'things didn't work out' (meaning he couldn't be part of a congregation without being 'in charge' he might just leave the church altogether. As I've been thinking about that more, I think it is more his splitting tendency that is happening than a 'spiritual' thing -- there is no grey, it's all or nothing.

[Fanie]

James 2:14-26

New International Version (NIV)

14 What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? 15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

20 You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless[a]? 21 Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. 23 And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend. 24 You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone."

[Fanie]

“Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?

I enjoy this subject ... .

[empath]

Oh, I think my uBPDh is saved as well, and honestly, I don't think he would actually follow through on the idea. It seems that BPD does make it more difficult in a lot of ways.

[formflier]

Yeah... trying to figure out what are just threats... . and what they will actually follow through on is tough.

My uBPDw is mostly bluster... . but... . in the instance of the "spanking incident"... there was no turning her around... . she was going to get it done.

Oh, I think my uBPDh is saved as well, and honestly, I don't think he would actually follow through on the idea. It seems that BPD does make it more difficult in a lot of ways.