Helping a Tween cope with her BPD Mother

[Panda39]

My SO has a D13 and D17.  He has been Divorced from thier uBPD mother for almost 2 years.  The older daughter is heading off to college.  Dad has custody 5 days a week and 1 weekend per month and every other week in the summer.

I have known my SO since he separated from his ex 4 years ago.  In that time I have watched her keep the older daughter out of school for a year... . yes that would be a 0.0 GPA freshman year.  She ran a campaign of threats, Parental Alienation, and had the kids spying on dad. She has never held a job or tried to get one in the last 4 years, she has been evicted 3 times so far.

Right now she is "staying with friends" since the last eviction.  They are of a different religious background and according to the kids have been pushing for conversion.  Neither daughter is comfortable at that house both because of the push for religious change and because they have no privacy.  One is sleeping on a floor and the other sleeps on the couch.  The other thing that seems to be happening is that the younger daughter is being asked by her mother to take care of the home owners children, clean, cook, walk the dog etc.  Now I have no objection to doing some chores but this has more to do with sucking up so mom can continue to stay there rather than a nice weekend visit with her kids.  I agree that the kids can help around the house but they should not be the "help". 

Any advice on how the children can express their feelings and needs to a uBPD mom that only seems to see her own situation and ignores the needs of her children?  Does anyone have any words of advice on how to negotiate a UBPD mom?  And is there anything I can do as Dad's girlfriend to support the girls?  They have been asking their dad for advice and he has been very supportive.  But  the more ideas and tools we can gather to assist them the better.

Thanks for your help 

[Levi78]

I think you should just be a supportive, consistent adult who can be trusted. Any attempts at action beyond that will smack of "dad's girlfriend butting in where she doesn't belong." I've been in these kid's shoes-- if you try to intervene, it will only give the BPD mom fuel to use against you. The only person who can step in and try to help is dad.

Just my 2 cents.

[StarStruck]

I would have loved it if my step mom years ago was like you Panda39, honestly its great.

I think you should just be a supportive, consistent adult who can be trusted.

support this wholeheartedly. Also I would have appreciated if someone could have pointed out what was going on (don't think my dad knew the whole impact) I would and should have been speaking with professionals for support. It has taken me years to get to the bottom of this. I think if my dad would have said I don't know whats going on with your mother but I don't think it would do any harm talking to someone about it ... . then maybe along coming with me (maybe just wait outside). That would have saved me going to the next few years of hell.

You see children from a PD background sometimes lack certain skills for the world and other nasty people captialize on this. The adult child is unprepared, lack of protecting there own boundaries scared of sticking up of themselves (weirdly you wouldn't have thought this if you knew me then, I was both assertative/confident, teachers thought I had it sewn up (but shy at times also!), naive of certain adults with other PD's maybe even different from they're parents. My mom had uBPD/NPD (or thereabouts) but I have had runs in with NPD & ASPD (also BPD dating these before). They sense it somehow... . they like taking the good guys down. Most hideous adult experiences with NPD and ASPD. These are the ones that fill up most of the prisons. (should say out there, not that all NPD/ASPD are criminals). Just most of the criminals will have one of these disorders. Think I'm right in saying that.

The quicker they learn their back ground and skills they may or may not need to master the better for them. I said to my divorced dad I can't understand what 'she' is like, I feel like I'm going nuts... . that would have been a good opportunity. To clarify not that I was going 'nuts' but my mom was and I couldn't work out why she would just drop me for a new partner/life (she divorced my step dad at the time). This will take a lot of trust between the dad and his girls, bit of a balancing act, but he may be able to spot a good opportunity.  I wish I was educated a lot sooner because I knew something wasn't right but didn't know the answers, obviously like what Levi78 said... has to be through the dad don't get yourself caught up in it.

Best of luck, you sound lovely, lucky girls  

additional thought: If they are empathetic girls - get dad to look into co dependency and how to form decent boundaries. Educate on PD's in general. How to spot a Narc, they are loads on you tube about this. Look out of them on shopping trips or run in with them, make an example. If they are kind girls and have had a PD background their is a chance that PD's will notice. Stuff on assertive skills, learn martial art. Not that that always helps because Narc take the long road sometimes but if they feel empowered by knowing they could look after themselves they will hopefully carry themselves with a level of confidence in public about their every day business, it certainly wouldn't do any harm. Boundaries like, mental, physical, spiritual. Get them to think about how they feel about boundaries, what they're boundaries mean to them etc.  Making sure to use language that isn't invalidating, easy to not get right. So they can breath so they are truly heard. What their values are, how they may differ form other members of the family and thats ok too.

[StarStruck]

other thing, ensure that they don't feel sorry for losers... . that mindset comes across as very giving to the less emotionally stable amongst us... . and it will be very readable on their face.