Over a year out and I come back for help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have picked back up a bad habit and have been checking up on my BPDex on FB.  We are not friends, so I don't see anything really as far as status updates or many pictures or anything.  Honestly the only thing I look at is who she is or isn't friends with on that particular day.  It is almost a dance she does, one guy will disappear and from she was previously involved with will pop back up, after a bit he'll be blocked and a 3rd player will come into the mix, he'll get blocked, then guy #1 rotates back in... . it's almost something you could place bets on, who she will turn back to next.  This has been going on for awhile... . but it is only the past two days or so that I am really down in the dumps.

I looked a few days ago and my former close friend, the one who had sex with my BPDex while we were together, is friends with her again.  I really, really liked this guy and considered him a close friend... . and they slept together, and I only found out months later, after both had pretended like nothing had happened. 

Not helping matters is a girl at my new work.  I got a summer job in a restaurant, and while pretty much everyone who works there is super cool, there is a chick there who started the same time I did who SCARILY reminds me of my BPDex.  She is 22 years old, lots of tattoos, moves around a lot, broken off 2 engagements, and has a super charming confident personality. It is plain spooky.  My mother feels and has told me that it is the universe testing me, because you can bet I feel the (misplaced) allure of this girl.

I have irrational fears in my mind of "What if my BPDex and my former close friend are starting to hook up, and what if they come into the restaurant and I have to interact with them"... . all while my BPDex lives in a town an hour away and only comes to visit my town (she used to live here for a year while we dated) once in awhile.  These fears are eating me... . and seeing this chick at my work doesnt help.

Don't know the point of this post... . getting my thoughts down if nothing else.  I served a term as an ambassador, and I'd like to think that I helped at least one person with perspectives on things or lessons to take away from this, but I'm back here hurting.

[Octoberfest]

I have picked back up a bad habit and have been checking up on my BPDex on FB.  We are not friends, so I don't see anything really as far as status updates or many pictures or anything.  Honestly the only thing I look at is who she is or isn't friends with on that particular day.  It is almost a dance she does, one guy will disappear and from she was previously involved with will pop back up, after a bit he'll be blocked and a 3rd player will come into the mix, he'll get blocked, then guy #1 rotates back in... . it's almost something you could place bets on, who she will turn back to next.  This has been going on for awhile... . but it is only the past two days or so that I am really down in the dumps.

I looked a few days ago and my former close friend, the one who had sex with my BPDex while we were together, is friends with her again.  I really, really liked this guy and considered him a close friend... . and they slept together, and I only found out months later, after both had pretended like nothing had happened. 

Not helping matters is a girl at my new work.  I got a summer job in a restaurant, and while pretty much everyone who works there is super cool, there is a chick there who started the same time I did who SCARILY reminds me of my BPDex.  She is 22 years old, lots of tattoos, moves around a lot, broken off 2 engagements, and has a super charming confident personality. It is plain spooky.  My mother feels and has told me that it is the universe testing me, because you can bet I feel the (misplaced) allure of this girl.

I have irrational fears in my mind of "What if my BPDex and my former close friend are starting to hook up, and what if they come into the restaurant and I have to interact with them"... . all while my BPDex lives in a town an hour away and only comes to visit my town (she used to live here for a year while we dated) once in awhile.  These fears are eating me... . and seeing this chick at my work doesnt help.

Don't know the point of this post... . getting my thoughts down if nothing else.  I served a term as an ambassador, and I'd like to think that I helped at least one person with perspectives on things or lessons to take away from this, but I'm back here hurting.

[arjay]

I have irrational fears in my mind of "What if my BPDex and my former close friend are starting to hook up, and what if they come into the restaurant and I have to interact with them"... .

Yes our "thoughts" can run away from us and likely this new woman is a trigger on top of everything else.

It is a bit sobering when our "supposed friends" show their true colors.  We have all been there and it is not fun.

So what would you do if they did show up at the restaurant? Have somebody else deal with them?   What is your greatest fear about this whole deal?

Talk to me goose... .

[Infared]

Octoberfest, you are too young to know... . but you may just have a bad picker.  

I was with a narcissist, then a histrionic an then a BPD.

My friends joke about who I am attracted to.  I don't act on it any more (lots of therapy and self awareness)... . but I can walk into a room and show you the sickest woman there, she is the one that I am gutterally attracted to.  Magnetically pulled by.  I bet you know what I am talking about, intuitively.

Once I knew... . I stopped.

[Narellan]

Omg yes! My exBPD replaced me with my best friend( ex best friend now). I just saw last week they're not friends in FB anymore. ( I occasionally reactivated my account and peek too) my exBPD had added and removed me 4 times in 4 months. People are on and off his friends list in a laughable fashion. I deactivated my FB account when we split. He defriended my deactivated account ... . Days ago he re added my sister and started abusing her.

I have obsessive thoughts about seeing him. I ruminate over what to say/do. I'm positive he will land on my door step sometime soon now that he's ditched my ex best friend.

It gets me so down some days. Everything he does is to get a response from me. I don't respond (11 weeks NC). I wish he'd stop with the drama, come to my door so I can f him off finally and move on. It's like they create drama to keep you enmeshed. It works. I think of him 24/7 to the point where I'm depressed.

I can't give you advice, that would be hypocritical. But for me being on FB was too hard. And I've planned out meeting him scenarios in my head so I know what to do/ say. I know word for word. Maybe this would help you to keep your mind calm, and give a sense of control. 

[Octoberfest]

I have irrational fears in my mind of "What if my BPDex and my former close friend are starting to hook up, and what if they come into the restaurant and I have to interact with them"... .

Yes our "thoughts" can run away from us and likely this new woman is a trigger on top of everything else.

It is a bit sobering when our "supposed friends" show their true colors.  We have all been there and it is not fun.



So what would you do if they did show up at the restaurant? Have somebody else deal with them?   What is your greatest fear about this whole deal?

Talk to me goose... .

I don't even know man... . it is such a reach that it might ever happen I don't even know it is worth considering.  Like I said, she lives 80 miles away, and two people becoming friends again on Facebook, even if they have slept together once before, certainly doesn't mean they are going to start sleeping together again.  I think you are right about this new girl at work being a trigger.  What I know is that it is Friday night, I am 21 years old, in great shape with a great body (lots of confirmation here), in a college town, got invited down the bars, and I am laying on my couch posting here because there isn't a bone in my body that feels like going out and living it up.  And I hate myself for letting this get to me over a year after the fact.

[arjay]

I am laying on my couch posting here because there isn't a bone in my body that feels like going out and living it up.  And I hate myself for letting this get to me over a year after the fact.

Well first of all when you get as old as me, Friday nights are no big deal anyway.   I did the Thurs/Fri/Sat thing and realized I missed nothing.  So staying home is not a big deal.  REALLY

Regarding the possible trigger, are you not trusting yourself? something I get too, because for a while I didn't trust myself.

Spend some more time posting and reading here.  It spent two years and it really really helped.  You will avoid the mistakes some of us made much later in life.  I commend you for doing what you can for you... .

Peace

[Octoberfest]

Octoberfest, you are too young to know... . but you may just have a bad picker.  

I was with a narcissist, then a histrionic an then a BPD.

My friends joke about who I am attracted to.  I don't act on it any more (lots of therapy and self awareness)... . but I can walk into a room and show you the sickest woman there, she is the one that I am gutterally attracted to.  Magnetically pulled by.  I bet you know what I am talking about, intuitively.

Once I knew... . I stopped.

I have joked about this too... . I've made jokes to girls along the lines of "We'd never work out, I only date girls with diagnosed personality disorders", or "I only date crazy chicks".  I know what you mean about being gutterally attracted to the messed up ones.  I seem to just sort of be drawn to them like a moth to a flame.  The GOOD news is that I am seeing all of the red flags now, whereas with my BPDex I was not at all. I still feel the pull, but I recognize it as being a disaster in the making.  The rest comes down to willpower. 

I just took a positive step.  I went on Facebook and blocked my BPDex and everyone associated with her; all the dudes I know of that she has been involved with (in doing so, found out she just entered into a r/s with some dude here in my town TODAY.  This actually makes me feel better, as it means she shouldn't be out overtly with my former close friend.  If she shows up to the restaurant with the new dude, I feel like I could see her and just laugh... . let her see how much I've improved and compare that to how much she has not.

I also took a much more lasting, positive step... . for the past two years I have had access to the facebook account of my former best friend.  He told me the password when I did not have a FB of my own and I just wanted to check up on something (this was before I even met my BPDex.  This guy would go on to make out with my BPDex while we were together and never tell me).  Since I split with my BPDex, this has been my sort of portal to accessing information on her.  While they are no longer FB friends, he is friends on there with many people connected to her, and I have been able to glean bits and pieces of info here and there.  Even when I had blocked my BPDex on my profile, I would just get on his account and check it out... . so just now I went on and changed his password to a random sequence of letters and numbers that I have not written down and that I will soon forget.  More importantly though, when he attempts to log in and discovers his password has changed, he will recover his account using his email and (unless he is an idiot) change his password to something completely new, which I will have no idea of.  I don't have to stop myself from looking if i can't look in the first place. 

I am trying to take steps here.

[Narellan]

You are doing all the right things! Well done to you ! My exBPD used my phone once to log in to FB and he got me to type it all in ... . Password included. I remembered this after our split and logged into his account one night. That's how I discovered he had started flirting, sexting, sending photos, arranging to hook up with my best friend. She reciprocated. They both bagged me. It was only once i did this. I didn't need to see anything more. I just got rid of them both from my life.

Sometimes I'm tempted to have another peek but I think I'd get caught and he'd become abusive. So I don't.

It's so hurtful that betrayal isn't it? And she's still texting every couple of weeks begging to know why I don't want to be friends anymore. Ill never tell either if them I did that. Just you guys know . I feel safe here.

[Infared]

Octoberfest... . I thought we had some similarities... .

I was in group therapy with six other similar guys... . the therapist was great, she made us work and challenged us. There would always be a topic.  So we are all talking about "dating". And while this is going on she states "well, did you know, the whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone, and as you are getting to know them, you should be evaluating them to see if the two of you are really compatible for a future together".

This was NEWS to me... . LOL! A revelation.

I always lived by my hormones and rushed in like a fool.

My T  went further to say that once you start having sex that you really are not communicating on an intellectual level any more, i.e. getting to know WHO each other is.

If you meet someone and keep this process in mind, right away you will notice the flags and also possible who the keepers are... . oh... . me... . take it slow?  

I am not trying to turn dating into a clinical science experiment... . but that discussion always rang true for me... and my part in some of the pain that I have been through... .

[Reforming]

Hi Octoberfest,

I think the Arjay is quite right about this new girl being a trigger.  And your mum has a point about it being a test. It's your chance to road test the new you.

And the fact that you've recognised her nature shows that you have learned, evolved and got stronger. So well done

And well done for ditching the FB login. Social Media does make NC a lot harder


I can also completely relate to the loss of trust in yourself. I think that's very normal in the circumstances.

When we get badly hurt by someone we trusted and believed in it's very normal and even healthy to question our own judgement afterwards.

And we all know that these relationships can be very compelling, even addictive in their way.


So speaking for myself while I hope that I would keep my distance if I was around another BPD I would anxious and fearful that I might be drawn... .

And that's triggering…


I read a book last year about breaking up / or ending relationships. The author suggested that in the aftermath of a breakup we instinctively repeat the dynamic of our last failed relationship.

A kind of echo in our soul…

Or perhaps an attempt to get closure to a type of relationship that touched us deeply but was never resolved


I think I did this immediately after my relationship ended.

And though it was weirdly comfortable and almost drug like it triggered a feeling of overwhelming panic in me at the same time.

Thanks to a lot of reading and this site I was self aware enough to see the pattern before any real damage was done to either of us.


A few final thoughts.

Can you change job? Ultimately the best way to deal with your trigger is to not be around it. It might be inconvenient, even difficult but surely there are other summer jobs around?

And clearing unhealthy people out of your life makes space for healthy ones.


I still sometimes  slip into anger and rumination about my ex and the married guy she cheated with but more and more I recognise that they don't really matter.

BPD is the defining reality of my her world and unless she changes radically it will always be


You're free from that now. Well done


You may have already read it but Marsha Linehan piece on Radical Acceptance (its on the reading list) is good.


Finally and I know this isn't always easy but when I'm busy and working towards my goals I think much less about my ex and the past…

Moving forward with your own life is one of the best antidotes to unhappiness and self doubt.


Do a personal inventory, start by identifying one thing that really excites you and make a commitment to pursue it.

And it's much more fun to hang out with people who share your passions and interests than getting hammered in a bar on a Friday night.

Though the two are not mutually exclusive

Good Luck

[Octoberfest]

Hi Octoberfest,

I think the Arjay is quite right about this new girl being a trigger.  And your mum has a point about it being a test. It's your chance to road test the new you.

And the fact that you've recognised her nature shows that you have learned, evolved and got stronger. So well done

And well done for ditching the FB login. Social Media does make NC a lot harder


I can also completely relate to the loss of trust in yourself. I think that's very normal in the circumstances.

When we get badly hurt by someone we trusted and believed in it's very normal and even healthy to question our own judgement afterwards.

And we all know that these relationships can be very compelling, even addictive in their way.


So speaking for myself while I hope that I would keep my distance if I was around another BPD I would anxious and fearful that I might be drawn... .

And that's triggering…


I read a book last year about breaking up / or ending relationships. The author suggested that in the aftermath of a breakup we instinctively repeat the dynamic of our last failed relationship.

A kind of echo in our soul…

Or perhaps an attempt to get closure to a type of relationship that touched us deeply but was never resolved


I think I did this immediately after my relationship ended.

And though it was weirdly comfortable and almost drug like it triggered a feeling of overwhelming panic in me at the same time.

Thanks to a lot of reading and this site I was self aware enough to see the pattern before any real damage was done to either of us.


A few final thoughts.

Can you change job? Ultimately the best way to deal with your trigger is to not be around it. It might be inconvenient, even difficult but surely there are other summer jobs around?

And clearing unhealthy people out of your life makes space for healthy ones.


I still sometimes  slip into anger and rumination about my ex and the married guy she cheated with but more and more I recognise that they don't really matter.

BPD is the defining reality of my her world and unless she changes radically it will always be


You're free from that now. Well done


You may have already read it but Marsha Linehan piece on Radical Acceptance (its on the reading list) is good.


Finally and I know this isn't always easy but when I'm busy and working towards my goals I think much less about my ex and the past…

Moving forward with your own life is one of the best antidotes to unhappiness and self doubt.


Do a personal inventory, start by identifying one thing that really excites you and make a commitment to pursue it.

And it's much more fun to hang out with people who share your passions and interests than getting hammered in a bar on a Friday night.

Though the two are not mutually exclusive

Good Luck

Sound advice in here. As for the job, the place I work really is awesome and lots of the people there are too.  It's not like this girl is mean or anything like that, I just see a lot of my BPDex in her. 

I did a little reflecting today and I reminded myself that I LEFT HER.  I AM THE ONE who decided enough was enough and who walked away.  I AM THE ONE who decided that her behavior was something I didn't want to deal with anymore.  And she was the one who texted me weeks later saying "I love u and want u back ok" and "No matter what I'm doing my heart always comes back to you".  I counted, and I know of AT LEAST 15 people she has slept with (meaning I named names, not I know of a number).  If I know of that many, at least 5 being in the past year since we split, who knows how many there really are.  That is not a woman I want to marry, or end up with.  If she comes into my work and sits down to a meal with the new BF, what do I have to be insecure about or hurt about? Again, I LEFT HER.  I WALKED AWAY... . because I decided I wanted more than a life of constant cheating and meltdowns and lies. The fact that she has had at least 5 relationships since we split a year ago says all that needs saying... . nothing has changed.  She still can't be alone, and she still jumps from one doomed relationship directly into the next because she cannot stand being alone. 

I also decided that checking up on her on FB, even letting her get me down, is letting her win.  How do I win? By being the best I can be.  By not squandering the time I have, by not letting her drag me down and pollute the memories I am making now.

[Emelie Emelie]

Hey Octoberfest.  Sorry you're hurting again.  I made the stupid mistake of checking Facebook tonight and now I'm a freaking mess. 

You did leave her.  I wish I could say that I left him.  It would make all the difference in the world.  Hang on to that.