Dealing with my ex's friends and my friends

[Red Sky]

Earlier this week, my exBPDgf almost killed herself, and I was the last person she spoke to before that. I can't take the strain of knowing that I am responsible for her wellbeing. Or, uh, lack thereof. I'm two days NC and not actually feeling bad about it. I'm just so relieved to... . Shove aside the FOG I guess. I've spent the past couple of years in two relationships that were both bad for me and I'm actually ready to just escape and take care of myself, without feeling any qualms.

As a result of my research this week, I am now questioning a lot of what went on in my relationship with my exBPDgf. She has a lot of exes. Some she paints totally black; I have always believed her about the abuse she faced. Some of her exes she has just talked about sadly, how they ran away. I suspect I'll just fall into the latter category, and that she has had some people take advantage of her desire to almost worship them. Either way, I have some things I need to think about:

1. For some reason, I now have a great desire to contact one of her exes (a couple of the ones she spoke of sadly are friends of my friends) and talk about their experiences. See if they tally with mine. See if they got the same stories on previous exes. I know that this is basically entirely selfish and I just need someone to give me a metaphorical slap about the head, and tell me that I just have to accept that I'll never know.

2. We have a fair number of mutual friends, and I fully expect I will have to face my ex at points in the future (we are going to the same uni, in the same department, next semester). I have already accepted that I am probably going to lose the mutual friends, but it doesn't change the fact that it would be good to have... . some kind of script... . in place. For when I meet her, and for when I am forced to justify my actions to mutual acquaintances. I don't know precisely how many people know about her BPD and her latest suicide attempt in particular, and I don't want to cause her trouble.

3. I have already had one of her friends contact me on Facebook, on her behalf, asking me to remain in contact because I am making her so much worse. I was open with this complete stranger about the reasons that I had to cut off contact. I just said the truth, that she's a nice girl but it doesn't change the fact that I've not been coping and I need to take care of myself. The same thing I said in my last message to my exgf herself. (I tried to do NC before, without any warning, and I got a dozen screaming angry Skype messages about what a coward etc I am). If she tries this again, do I even bother responding to a friend who will probably pass the info on and fuel the fire? (I don't buy the 'I'm just doing this cos I'm concerned about my friend' line.)

So, um, sorry for the length of this. I don't blame her, I don't hate her, I can cope with my own guilt because I know that I can't cope with the relationship. But I have some anxiety over how this decision is going to affect me in the future and perhaps some of you have had this situation to deal with.

That or I'm just kind of misplacing my anxieties about her doing something stupid as a result of my NC. I don't even know any more.

[Narellan]

Breathe... . Now... Firstly... Is this doing you any good? Ruminating over things that may never happen. You need to take care of yourself . You've just gone through huge trauma and NC should be helping you to gather your thoughts.

NC means not talking to her friends on FB about her. It's keeping you enmeshed. Can you give FB a rest for a while? Deactivate if possible, it's no ones place to be telling you what you should be doing to help this girl feel better. It's not your problem.

I wouldn't contact any exes. For the reason that they may tell her and she will take this as interest/ concern on your part. I know it's tempting, resist that urge. Who cares what she did to them?

You need to be as boring as hell and drop off her radar. NC and no interest in anything to do with her. It's really difficult. I've deactivated my FB account, stopped going anywhere I used to go it see people I used to see. For the past 3 months I've done nothing but go to work and hide at home. But it's worked! I've been left alone. NC. Out of sight out of mind. I've had to make lots of changes but it's paying off for me. ( mind you he's just started abusing my sister on FB, I told her to ignore him) he's doing everything he can to get my attention.

Keep busy. Spend time on your own and vent on here. We get it. But second guess everything you want to do if it can somehow be twisted by her.

[Red Sky]

Cheers. I think I know what I need to do but I need the reinforcement? As I said I am committed to removing her from my life but I think I need to stop looking for some kind of 'closure' or proof that I'm not cruel. Just getting it out here, where I know I'm not going to be judged harshly, helps.

I've deactivated my FB. I resisted before, because I'm working far away from home and social media is the only thing that stops me feeling isolated. But I reckon I can stick it out a week and let the dust settle.

I am glad NC is working for you, too, and I hope your sister's holding up.

[Narellan]

Well done! You sound calmer. I've been off FB now for about 6 weeks. I have cheated and reactivated during the night when no ones on there, just to see the goss. I've done that twice . The first time hurt me like hell because he was targeting me with horrible quotes proving himself as this great calm spiritual guy. The second time was good because I could see he and my replacement were no longer FB friends. I've stayed off now. I don't want to be contacted by them, or anyone really. Peace. X

You're really being tested ATM. Keep posting , we are all here for support.