Daughter-in-law with BPD making allegations

[rockysmts1063]

My son has been married to a girl for 5 years now. They have 2 children and she is pregnant again. She has never cared for the girls my son has had to work, come home cook dinner, feed kids, give them baths and put them to bed. He even has to brush their hair and get them dressed each day. She stays on the computer, phone or kindle. She disappears at the children's birthdays and writes pretty perverted things on different blogs. She has hit my son and the girls are afraid of her. She gets mad at him for not letting her spend their money on frivolous things and when she does she does something stupid. This last time she made a complaint with CPS against my son saying he is verbally abusive to her and accused him of doing something to his oldest daughter.She did this with CPS and they have made him leave the home until the investigation is over. They have not even questioned him, just her. She is pregnant and has told all of us it is not his, but flips back and forth with my son that it's his. She has had him going to ultra sounds and the dr appts. She is happy if he is spending money on her and taking her places.  She now says she wants a divorce. We are worried about the girls being with her, since she has never been a caretaker and also worried about why they are listening to her and not speaking to him yet. She has even threatened to kill herself in front of the kids. The girls are 4 1/2 and 3. We are hardworking people but we don't have the money to fight this woman. My son is still not making her face consequences of her actions and telling CPS all the things she has done and hasn't done. I am lost we tried to help this girl but thing have gone passed that. The sad thing is she has my son thinking this is all his fault for not showing her enough attention, making enough money for her to spend. I have decided to go to CPS and talk to them and hope I can get my son to speak up for himself and let them know the truth about her. She has him thinking if he speaks they will take the kids from them both and they will lose them. His children are his life, he was the one doing all the caretaking. I hate seeing what this has done to him and the girls. The oldest grand-daughter begged her dad to let her stay with him at my house. The DIL is telling him he doesn't need to talk to CPS, says she will ask them questions he has. He wanted to see if the girls could come to my house so we could have the younger ones Birthday and she said CPS said we couldn't. I don't trust this girl and think she is making him to be the bad guy and her as the victim. I have seen her be physically violent with him. Am I right to go to CPS? Others have lived with them to help my son with girls while he worked, so there are so many witnesses to her behavior and his with the girls and their marriage. Plus outsiders who have witnessed it, so not worry we can't prove any of what I am saying. I don't what would happen to this baby coming with him not being in the home.



 

[catnap]

Would your son be open to talking to a family law attorney? Some will offer a free consultation or a low cost one. He needs to be advised legally that he has as many rights as his wife to the children.  I think getting legal advice will make him more confident about telling the truth and that a lot of the dire predictions made by his wife "they will take the kids from both of us" are designed to make him fearful of telling the truth.  A lot might depend on what the kids are telling CPS also, which may be why she doesn't want him talking to them.  You could help him organize what needs to be told to the attorney to get the best advice.  

The DIL saying that he doesn't need to talk to CPS is because then all of her lies fall apart.

CPS will eventually talk to him, and he needs to tell the truth, give them a list of people to talk to (though no guarantee they will actually talk to these people to corroborate what your son is saying).  Tell them that he is doing the great majority of the childcare, household work, cooking, etc.  That she has threatened to kill herself in front of the girls, that she is sometimes telling him that he is not the father of the baby she is currently pregnant with, etc.

The attorney should also have a good idea of how CPS works where your son lives.

[livednlearned]

Is the CPS investigation still underway?

In many cases, CPS will interview kin, but it sounds like all they've done so far is talk to your DIL.

The most important thing in all of our cases is documentation. Now that there is a CPS case file, that documentation has to be countered with your own. Many of our members will record the pwBPD -- in some states, it isn't legal to record without permission, so find out what the laws are in your state. Even in states where it is legal to record, some courts will not hear the evidence, or if they do, it has to be verified as credible by a forensic specialist. Other professionals like guardian ad litems and CPS social workers often will take recordings into accounts, as well as photos, etc.

Documentation isn't only recording. It's keeping logs and hanging on to emails.

The tricky thing is that your son is still in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Even if you show CPS what is going on, he may not stand up for himself out of fear that his wife will react. He has to get on board and understand how her behavior is affecting himself and the kids, otherwise he'll sabotage himself.

You might want to read Splitting: Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy too. And like catnap said, it can be really helpful to get a consultation with an attorney. DIL doesn't have to know.

It took me four years to leave my ex. I began to seriously prepare during the last year, and I'm glad I did. All that forethought and documentation helped immensely, and so did having my parents on board. Divorce and custody battles with a BPD parent require a lot of patience and careful planning. If things don't happen right away, that's not necessarily bad, even if it's difficult in the short term.

Your DIL might be threatening divorce, but she also sounds very passive. If you son can't bring himself to see the direction things are going, and continues to try and appease her (and potentially sabotage himself), you'll be his most important asset when things start to really move forward.

Start with reading Splitting, begin a documentation file, and learn everything you can about how CPS works in your state. If it were me, I would want to provide some counter-documentation in the CPS file. Those case files will definitely show up in the custody hearings, so you want to make sure it is thorough, fair, and balanced.

[catnap]

I read your other posts. . .concerning telling CPS she has BPD, that is not a good idea.  If you look at it in a neutral way--you are not qualified to diagnose a mental illness. Your son needs to talk to CPS, and they may or may not want to talk to you. If they do talk to you, concentrate on the things you have observed, been told directly by DIL, etc. 

I can understand the financial situation that you cannot hire an attorney to handle the whole situation, but a free or sliding scale fee consultation will give you a lot of information and hopefully reassure your son that it is vital that he tell the truth.  You may be able to find more than one free consultation and get more than one opinion.  If your DIL has written or texted anything about CPS, please take that along for the attorney to see.  Your son can provide copies to the CPS person who interviews him. 

As LnL said, you do not have to tell DIL you are talking to lawyers.  Your son has a right to legal advice without his wife's knowledge. 

Splitting is an excellent resource and it is a very affordable book. 

[Matt]

Getting legal advice is critical right now.  Your son can probably find some attorneys who will give an initial half hour at no cost.  He really needs to find a lawyer he can afford, and it will be best if it's someone who has experience in cases like this.

He may have to talk to a dozen lawyers or more - it may take a lot of time and be very stressful.  But it's critical, as Catnap and LnL have suggested.

It may help if he can quickly assemble as much evidence as possible, in case he has the chance to talk to CPS or in case one of the attorneys wants to see it.

I would definitely suggest that he contact CPS right away and insist that they talk to him.  An attorney can tell him if he has the right to meet with them, or maybe an attorney can write a letter to CPS demanding that meeting.  Your husband may have the right to present evidence or to take the issue before a judge.

He may have some other options which could have better outcomes.  For example, he may want to file for divorce, which can trigger a court hearing to establish temporary orders.  "Temporary orders" means a judge will decide on a parenting schedule, which is likely to be 50/50, so he cannot be kept from having the kids with him half the time.  If he shows good evidence to the judge, it's possible he will get more than half the time, or he could even ask that the kids only be with their mom under professional supervision so she can't tell them bad things about their father.

Another option - more expensive - is filing a motion for a Custody Evaluation which can include objective psych evals.  That's how you can get his wife's mental health into the case, based on a psychologist's diagnosis, not your son's opinion or yours.  An attorney can tell him how this all can be done and what it might cost.

It may be possible to file civil charges against his wife, if he can show that she has physically assaulted him or one of the kids.  It's probably illegal for his wife to make false accusations, so if he can document that she accused him of doing something harmful to one of the kids, he might be able to get off the defensive and make her defend herself for making such an accusation without evidence.

In general, if he can find out how the system works where he lives, he can become more active and less re-active;  he can get off the defensive.  It will cost money, but maybe not as much as you think, and it might be necessary to protect the kids.  Kids who are raised by someone with an untreated psychological disorder are at very high risk - they're much more likely to have big problems themselves as they grow up - so finding a way to make sure they have regular time with their healthy parent is very important.

[manicmuse]

Your son needs to know YOU CANT give people with BPD enough attention ever. And the second thing is he is just as guilty if he didnt call CPS himself. They will feel she can manipulate him and they would be correct. Hes got to separate the children and her in his maind. They are no longer a package deal. And believe that she is also manipulating the children already.

[ForeverDad]

And no more children with her, please.  As long as there are incoming babies or small children, he will feel 'stuck'.  He will have to take charge of birth control since obviously she isn't or won't.  Even if she promises, all she has to say is "Oops, I forgot!"

The only way to prove or disprove paternity is to do a DNA test after the children are born.  He can do it without her approval, after all, it's just cotton swabs to get a mouth

Does he know enough not to share information and strategies with her?  If the marriage is dysfunctional and failing, then he needs to keep his strategies private and confidential.  Sharing could allow her enough information to sabotage his efforts to be a parent to his children.

If she's contacted CPS, then she's playing hardball, not softball.  He can't 'manage' her under such circumstances.

As for recording, I believe that is crucial self-protection for him and he should not tell her he's doing it.  Sharing that information with her would be like waving a red flag in front of a bull.  I recorded and it saved me more than once.  In addition, it was like having insurance, without it I couldn't have proved I wasn't the one misbehaving.  Yes, there are a few two-party states but in the 8 years here I haven't heard of any member getting arrested for recording and only a small handful were told to stop recording.  So the risks are small if he quietly records for self-protection and the risks are larger if he doesn't.