MFT, not a real therapist, may be making things worse?

[lightningtree]

I've wondered for a couple of weeks now if my husband is really seeing the right therapist for him, but I haven't said anything because I guess I kinda feel like I'd be crossing a boundary--it's his therapy, and I don't want to overstep myself. There's also the fact that he's actually going to therapy, and I am afraid to rock that boat. Took a long time to get him to go. So I don't really know if I even want to say anything, especially since he hasn't been going that long. But this therapist is a marriage counselor, not a "real" therapist, and I'm worried that if she's not really qualified to deal with someone who is BPD/bipolar or whatever it is my husband is struggling with. That she is just dredging up the issues and not actually giving him proper coping techniques and all that.

From the things he's freely told me about his sessions, I'm really concerned that even though he's been very open with her about how bad his issues are she isn't taking him seriously enough. She's had some helpful things but for the most part he says he feels a lot worse about himself since starting therapy -- and from what everyone on the board has told me, that part is normal -- and it seems like she's unleashing all his inner demons but not really preparing him to handle that.

For example, he's mentioned that the only things she has given him as tools to dealing with anger is to use physical exertion to drain his adrenaline. Punch a pillow, do pushups. Okay. I know I've used similar things myself for the same thing, but -- this is a guy that will get so angry he goes into a blackout rage and destroys priceless items of ours, breaks doors/punches holes in walls, screams and spits and entirely loses his control over himself, and legit has no memory of it. (When he's that bad, I leave the house). I just -- I mean -- she knows he gets like that, and all she has suggested is push-ups? For black-out rage? And she's told him to identify and deal with whatever pain it is that is underlying his anger.

Okay, yeah, for a non-BPD, that works -- identifying why we're really upset, rationalizing our feelings, logically working through it all, etc. But he is not capable of doing that. The whole reason he's going to therapy is so he can learn it.

I don't know. Does anyone have experience with this? Like I said, I don't want to overstep my bounds, and maybe we should give it like 6 months before trying to look for a "real" therapist? I haven't mentioned any of these concerns to my husband, I've been 100% supporting whatever he does but -- guys, I just don't know. It doesn't seem right to me and I'm really unsure about what, if anything, I should be doing here... .

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[arjay]

You ask a "fair question" and although I am not a trained professional by any stretch, I have learned some important lessons.

I used to play a lot of tennis with physicians and surgeons, and their answers were always the same when I would ask "how to I know when I have a really competent doctor"?  They would nearly always answer: "You go to the same one to which other doctors would send their own family members".

Having said that, I realize sometimes we put way too much faith in some.  At the end of the day we are responsible for our own health and need to do our own homework too.

My 'ex' (a Social Worker) ended up going to someone that specialized in PTSD/Personality disorders.  It really is a specialty and if you take some time to do research, you will find that it really does take someone that really understands the disorder, to help guide the patient.

I am not by any stretch questioning the person your husband is seeing, but I have come to realize that when I need a really good cardiologist, I don't waste my time with a person that typically treats patients with the flu and the common cold.

Peace to you

[lightningtree]

Thank you for the reply, arjay

I would feel much better about this is he was seeing someone who specialises in treating this type of behavioral disorder. I think the only reason he picked this therapist is that was the first one who had an opening when he called around to see who (of the list our insurance covers) would be available.

The advice she's given him seems to skew towards improving our relationship. Which, yes, we need that, but we need that because of the damage his problems have caused/are causing, so my thought has always been to prioritize building a better foundation for us by helping him learn to deal with his issues in a healthy way. Treat the problem, as it were, not the symptoms.

Having read through so many posts on this forum over the last couple of months, I've seen a lot of instances where through misdiagnosis a therapist can prolong issues and make them worse and with what she's given him as supposed guidance for these issues... . I dunno, I'm very concerned but at the same time I don't want to overstep my bounds.

[arjay]

In cases where I have been concerned (i.e. with my daughter's treatment regardless of what type it was),) I would meet with the medical professional privately and simply ask several basic questions; questions most competent professionals are glad to answer:

As my insurance only handles so much, what is your strategy?  How many of these types of situations have you dealt with before? (it better be more than 2 or 3 and more like 50-100 and by situations I mean dealing with the preliminary diagnosis). What is your anticipation for helping him given insurance/etc limitations?  Would the money be better spent elsewhere with some other type of treatment?

I get that you don't want to upset the apple cart as he is getting SOME help.  There is no conflict in my opinion in asking simple questions with the T privately.  I did it and do it with every professional I see anymore (i.e. convince me you are competent and I am not wasting my money).

Peace

[tired-of-it-all]

My wife went to a woman T who was not fooled by her bs. Wife didn't like that and switched to a man she could fool. He was ineffective against BPD.