BPD girlfriend left silent treatment

[hurting300]

Hey guys, my girlfriend is undiagnosed BPD. She has all the traits. She is controlling, lies, gets very passive aggressive when caught in lies. We have been together for almost two years. We have an 8 month old baby together. I always knew something was up with her but I loved her so much! She always told was kinda distant. Never talked about her childhood she claimed it was blanked out. She didn't work a job. Well on April 2nd she simply disappeared... the night before she left was perfect. We had dinner we talked about marriage and more kids, she had sex with me twice. The next morning when I got up for work she followed me to the shower and talk to me while I was taking a shower she packed my lunch for the day we text until noon time after that no response at all I got home she had taken her clothes and left a few things there that I thought she would have taken. She even washed and folded my clothes before she left. She has since the activated her facebook changed her phone number and I have not heard one peep out of her since April 2nd. My neighbors are telling me she drives by my house why won't she just called? This is all very confusing to me please helpshe did the silent treatment before 42 days.

[LoveLove]

Hurting300,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm not an expert, nor do I even know if my guy fully has BPD, however, from what I have read... . apparently when they feel that they have gotten too close, that is when they run. They have a fear of abandonment and already believe that you will leave them one day, thus, that is when they pull away in order to protect themselves.

The behavior is odd and frustrating to say the least... . but stay strong. They apparently "recycle" and will often return when they have distanced themselves from you for a while... . there are a lot of great articles on this site that you can get information from - worth reading!

Take it one day at a time... . I know it's not easy. =(

[maternal]

That is painful.  I'm sorry for what you're going through.  That's just not okay... .   and it's not your fault, either.

You gotta be strong and take care of you now. 

[patientandclear]

Wow Hurting300 ... . that sounds incredibly painful.  

I'll just say a few disjointed things I feel fairly confident of after living these dynamics and reading so many stories here.

This didn't happen because she didn't care.   Silence sends that message I know, but that is not what's driving this.  She does care.  She cares more than she can handle.

There are a million stories on here, and I have experienced many myself, of "just before X left, things were perfect.  Best day ever.  We were talking about taking the next step ... . ".

Things being sweet, good, perfect, wonderful ... . that may terrify someone with BPD because they have so much to lose.  You have to bear in mind they are nearly certain they will lose it, because they do not and cannot trust that people close to them have their best interests at heart and will not savagely hurt them.  Often this is because actual people whom they trusted and needed did that to them.  They are re-fighting an old fight that has nothing to do with you or your actions.  Sometimes that plays out in a way where they get control of the situation by leaving or devaluing you before you can do the same, which they are convinced is inevitable.

But what's complicated is you cannot just offer simple reassurance to deal with this, because their defenses work in a such a way that usually, their story about why they had to leave isn't "I was scared of losing you," but rather, "I suddenly realized you are deficient in ways I hadn't noticed before.  Yuck!  :)on't want that.  Best wishes!"  The surface story probably isn't the real reason, but you can't access the real reason readily and neither can she.

So all that is hard.

But here's another truth: if you just sit still and don't grab at her or attack her or shame her, and send a few signals that you are still warm and open to her, it's highly likely she'll return.  Like many or most people, I thought suddenly leaving a r/ship meant you didn't accord high value to it.  I reacted accordingly when my ex suddenly left.  I was hurt, reactive, shaming, and quite conclusive ("ok fine!  you want over, it's over" type of thing).  I now see that had I just sat quietly, he'd have shifted course and come back to me.  Whether we could then have achieved anything more than repeating that loop endlessly with a bit of added betrayal feeling heaped on each time, who knows -- unlikely from stories here.  But still, the point is, she is almost surely not gone-gone.

So if you can take a breather and strengthen yourself in the meantime and just wait and see, and send a few reassuring signals, odds are decent that it will not remain this way.

The challenge is -- what do you have then and can you live with that?  Can you deal with being that close to someone who handles fears in that way and injects that kind of chaos into your landscape?  Those are good questions to address on the Undecided or Staying Boards.

[hurting300]

It's almost as if she left on a "good note" to come back later. The sex, washing my clothes then vanishes . I haven't seen my our baby in 2 months

[Dolly rocker]

WOW!

U must be missing Ur baby so much!

Have u been in contact with her family? One thing is her wanting to be away from you, but another is to stop u from seeing ur baby! I'm gobsmacked!

You poor thing!

[hurting300]

her mom don't really even like her I don't think she made her move out that's why she moved in with me. Her sister on the other hand I don't think likes me very much. I saw her sister last month at Walmart and if looks could kill I would be dead. But three days ago I saw her sister again and her sister smiled and said hello. Something is up I think.

[cosmonaut]

I'll just say a few disjointed things I feel fairly confident of after living these dynamics and reading so many stories here.

*snip*

This is an excellent post, patientandclear.   

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

[quote author=patientandclear link=topic=226537.

But what's complicated is you cannot just offer simple reassurance to deal with this, because their defenses work in a such a way that usually, their story about why they had to leave isn't "I was scared of losing you," but rather, "I suddenly realized you are deficient in ways I hadn't noticed before.  Yuck!  :)on't want that.  Best wishes!"  [/quote]
This right here is gold. That's basically what happened to me . She used to tell me that I deserve better than her . So basically her last text was what is quoted above . It sucks . Are they ever going to be settle and have normal lives?

[hurting300]

This whole thing has gotten me torn out of frame. I feel like I'll never see my baby again or my ex... well I guess she broke up with me. She never said anything.

[kba1969]

This whole thing has gotten me torn out of frame. I feel like I'll never see my baby again or my ex... well I guess she broke up with me. She never said anything.

Sorry your dealing with this!  Do you know where she is at all?  There's strict laws when there's children involved, I would demand to know at least where your child is.  Unless I'm missing part of the story I'd say she basicly kidnapped your baby.  Sorry, I'm just confused but feeling your pain

[antjs]

i have nothing to say more than I AM REALLY SORRY.

[hurting300]

I believe the baby is with her grandmother, my ex don't work and never did. And no I have no idea where she is...   apparently she drives by my house which is out of her way.