Do you really know who your ex was then or even now?

[AwakenedOne]

Do you really know who your ex was then or even now?

I don't really know who I was married to or what was real.

I have just realized this to the fullest at this very moment for some reason. Even after learning about BPD after the fact (since we split) and shifting what was real and not around to try to fit a BPD model to make sense of it all, I have no idea who she is or what was real. Lies and mirroring... . (uBPDstbxw)

I am not exaggerating, not knowing who I even was married to for four years? I don't feel like I can give a guess. I do know all the bad things were real? (selfishness, cruelty and violence). This is the most astounding thing I can ever remember thinking or feeling. She lied about everything. I doubt most people here will understand this. Maybe some of you who were married might. I couldn't swear to you of one single thing about her or us that was real.

Well, I know when she said she went to the store and came back with bread that must of been true because I saw the bread. I know she went to work where she said she did because I saw the check stubs and I think I know what she liked to do for fun somewhat, still a ton of lies even with that, who knows? I know she likes being with her family. Other than that, I don't know who she is inside or what was real. I was told so many lies. Maybe it was all a lie except going to the store because she showed proof by having bread in her hand.

I haven't really thought this out before, it kind of just hit me. Good in a way though still. Like what did I lose? Who did I lose? What did I lose? But then again I think what the hell did I do for the last four years but wonder around in a maze looking for the end of the maze? And then it turns out now I wasn't even in a maze I was in a dark room with no doors and windows for four years I guess.

Toward the end she did the "big reveal" of a ton of lies. I caught her in lies, then she would reveal a truth and then that truth would later turn out to be a fkn lie? One time she said to me "So I lied" in a way like "I lied get over it, no big deal that's what people do or I do.

Most people can account for the last 4 years. I sure cant. What the heck?

I hope even one person has a good response for me. If so I'd appreciate it. Anybody else here feel this way?

Peace,

AO

[Tolou]

The truth is what you know now and what your left with... . 4 years is a long time to be with someone and feel like you have no clue of who that person really is or was.  I knew who she was when we met, she was a troubled person who I tried to help, she is a person who I saw many red-flags with, that I CHOSE to ignore... . that is the reality of it, not hers, mine.

When certain things about her past and present were stairing me dead in the face, I completly disregarded them, in essence she was showing who she really was, without her even realzing it, and then without me wanting to accept it.

I think for it was thinking that when I love someone I will put up with, tolerate and accept certain things that no one, should, but eventually, I snapped out of that and realized I could not be with someone who was so unstable, unreliable, untrustworthy etc... . that doesn't mean her genuine and good parts that I enjoyed weren't "real", it is for me eccepting that once I triggered her, there was no turning back, no rules, anything goes... . In way I feel I know exactly who she is, a beatiful woman when not in a relationship, loving and king-hearted... . when in a realtionship, a scared lost child with no ability to control her bahaviors and the impact that it has on others, with accpetance of responsibility, So I do know who she was, from the very begining, I only began to really see her when I opened my eyes.

[Infared]

Awakened...

I identify with the inner confusion about all of her lies. My pwBPD ran off with another man and told lie, after lie, after lie.  At some point, when she contacted me, I confronted her with her lies in a way that she could not squirm out of them... . so she says "well, those were lies  that I told you after I left you."  In her mind that accounted for any infraction? ... . like a 5-year old.  

It leaves you feeling unsure of anything this person ever told you... . very disconcerting, very empty, very self-centered. Leaves a person very sad and disillusioned.

Tolou... .

I lived with mine for 5-years... .

When I met her... . if I had looked at reality instead of the beautiful fantasy dream in my head, it was all there right in front of me who she really was... . but like you, I listened to her words ("I am a victim", which were a manipulation and I swooped in to rescue her... . I did not closely watch her actions, which were the truth.  It caused me a world of pain... . but the more I work through this the more I have to focus on forgiving me for my bad choices and to own and understand how sick she is.  For me this and total NC (in any form, ever), is the only road to peace... .

I have to just try to forget about all those "genuine good parts". They may or may not exist... . but that is someone else's problem now.

[Tolou]

I hear you infared and it's good that you are in that place where you knwo what is best for you and what you need to do.  I have done a lot of work myself, almost a year N.C. and I see her at work 5 times a week almost, I make little as possible eye-contact and stay away for the most part... . The begining was the hardest, but now it's just become a normal routine, not to be cruel to anyone, but I just can't get back into that mess again, so I avoid any interaction what so ever, ironically, she began mirroring my behavior after set amount of mounts of me ignoring... .

[Ihope2]

All I know is that my soon to be ex BPDh is a highly troubled, confused and damaged man with a terrible history of childhood abuse and a most unstable young adult life up to his current age (36 years).  He tries to blend in with people he is with at that time, he is a chameleon in that way.  But then sooner rather than later, he has a massive fall-out with them over some perceived disappointment or betrayal on their part towards him, and he has nothing good to say about them, and moves on to another set of people.  He cuts ties completely, deletes them from his phone, forgets about them  and moves on.

I do believe that he would have been a pleasant, kind, peaceful kind of guy in another lifetime, without all the blatant abuse and neglect and perversion in his FOO.  He is not loud, overtly aggressive, boisterous, arrogant.  He is polite and quiet spoken and quiet intense. He is quite creative with his hands, when he does focus for long enough on a task, so I think he could have done well as a crafter, or an artist/ Perhaps it is my projection of what I would have liked him to be, and the person that I imagined I first encountered when I first met him... .

He really is an enigma to me, a tortured soul roaming this earth, never finding peace.  

[A Dad]

AO, I was married to mine for 8 years, we have two kids together. I know exactly what you mean. I felt that way to in the months following my finding her cheating on me. It is a good realization to have. To realize that the person I thought I had married didn't even exist, at least not for a long time. She did me a favour by leaving me so I don't spend the rest of my life living a lie.

[imstronghere2]

Do you really know who your ex was then or even now?

I don't really know who I was married to or what was real.

I have just realized this to the fullest at this very moment for some reason. Even after learning about BPD after the fact (since we split) and shifting what was real and not around to try to fit a BPD model to make sense of it all, I have no idea who she is or what was real. Lies and mirroring... . (uBPDstbxw)

I am not exaggerating, not knowing who I even was married to for four years? I don't feel like I can give a guess. I do know all the bad things were real? (selfishness, cruelty and violence). This is the most astounding thing I can ever remember thinking or feeling. She lied about everything. I doubt most people here will understand this. Maybe some of you who were married might. I couldn't swear to you of one single thing about her or us that was real.

Most people can account for the last 4 years. I sure cant. What the heck?

I hope even one person has a good response for me. If so I'd appreciate it. Anybody else here feel this way?

Actually, I think most of us that have gone through a BPD relationship for any significant period of time will and DO understand.  You are not alone here and you are in good company.  Your story is similar to my story which in turn is similar to so many other stories here.

I was married for 19.5 years, with her for 22 years.  A couple of weeks before my exwBPD left I said to her "I don't know who you are.  Has this person been there all along?"  To which she answered "Yes.  Just repressed." 

My exwBPD up and abandoned me, our two kids, all the cats she HAD to have, her dog, our home (which she put her heart and soul in to) and absolutely everything that defined who she "had" been to start life "No. 4" as my daughter would put it.

I think they live a life of a lie because they don't really know who they are in the first place.  They become like their next victim in their dance (mirroring) until that one wears out and then they move on to the next, and the next, and the next.

[sirius]

AO, for the many examples, here is my experience. I was with my exBPDgf for 12 years. On our first year, I caught her secretly keeping in touch with her 3 ex's. That stopped after I found out. Then when she said she is going to meet up friends and get dinner back, she did brought dinner back but I later found out that the "friend" that she was meeting was a dude she knew online, there was evidence that she went to get dinner. Then one time she told me she has to fetch her mom to get groceries, she did but her mom was home and she went out to meet someone. Then she once told me she was going out with her boss(women) and I bumped into her having lunch with a guy in a restaurant. Of course all that she said was not true.

Then came the big one, after our breakup, she left, I found out that she was having affairs after affairs with several people along our relationship for almost 7 years out of 12 years with short flings in between. She actually was living a double life outside our relationship. So, all the 12 years I guess now most of it was a lie and I am really sure she is damn good at it too.

Thats my experience and I hope it helps

[lifeafter18years]

I feel like you except I was lied to for 18 years in my supposed marriage. :'(  Everything was a lie and I kept believing and trying and I see it was all for nothing except for my 2 kids well being.  I am still very hurt that he just decided one day to leave us for another and not look back at all.  I wish she would get the same treatment I did but it does not look like that.  Still trying to move on but it does hurt alot. I do understand what you mean.

[maternal]

He really is an enigma to me, a tortured soul roaming this earth, never finding peace.  

This. Exactly.

Your Ex sounds JUST like mine. I think I knew who he wanted me to know. Not necessarily a made-up individual, but just part of whole. I only knew what he wanted me to, despite proving over and over again that I wasn't going to abandon him. He told me after I left that he can never love again because he "gives too much" and can't handle going through a breakup again. He lies well and frequently and works really hard to try and fit himself into a particular group or situation. I knew a very small portion of a man, but I never got the whole thing.

[arjay]

Greetings.  As another poster said:

"I could see in the beginning she was troubled"

"I thought I could help"

"She was troubled throughout the relationship/marriage"

"She was troubled when she left"

There were "parts of her" that seemed genuine.  Overall however, I am convinced even she, didn't really know who "she was".

Peace

[Pecator]

It is impossible to know who they really are (which may not even be a real phrase for them), Because:

1) They lie to us

2) They lie to themselves

While in the r/s, my ex was a horrible liar... Whether it was a big or small issue, I could always tell when she was lying. We used to joke about it. I found it so cute when I would catch her (like in small things about Christmas or something) and she would say "OH, I am such a horrible liar, you know that."

While between recycles and after the last b/u, she could suddenly become a professional. Several times when I had proof that she was telling a bold faced lie, I just watched her in amazement at how easy it was to do that. I was astounded at how good she was at it.


2) Lying to themselves even more confounding about knowing who they really were.

I wrote on here about being able to see how she mirrored her last three relationships (before us, ours and the one she is in now). The prior guy was a homebody and demanded her time. She split her friends, she told me, "because they were jealous that I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my partner."

I was the perfect partner because I was social. We had as many nights out with friends as we did staying home alone or with family. We had a lot of friends and she for the first time developed a few male friends.

Now her perfect partner is a workaholic. As she told a friend, I am glad that he gives me plenty of time for "girls night out." Now she lies to him so she can go out drinking and dancing with her brother, a male friend (who the current partner hates) and the only female friend she has left. I never really met this woman, b/c during our relationship, my ex said she didn't really trust her. "She is always out partying and running around behind her husband's back."




Thankfully, this place helped me avoid the big hook in this. I can argue that from an objective point, our scenario was the best. But she was clearly just mirroring me as she has done in the other two r/s. I can't say who she is or what was best for her. She doesn't really know who she is or what is best for her. Except what ever will soothe that deep fear and pain that runs her whole intimate life.


Every time I want to judge what she is doing now and think we had the best scenario. I remember it was clearly not the best scenario for her. Otherwise she wouldn't have crushed it as abruptly, completely and coldly as she did.

I have no idea who she is now.

I have no idea who she was back then.


Except a terrified little girl struggling to get through her dangerous world

[confused alot]

If I only knew then what I know now . The red   were all there from the first moment I met her, but I thought to myself, everyone is entitled to a clean slate (So very dumb on my part). My ex was always the victim in every relationship she ever had , but kept all of her ex's as friends In the 2 years I was with her I've seen every phase from the seducer, clinger, and hater phase. Not including her chronic pains, depression, extreme mood swings, splitting her so called friends black and white, lack of taking care of herself / empathy, and being involved with everyone else's drama. I could never understand how she could be in her late 20's, but possessed the mindset of 16 year old.  Towards the end of my relationship, I had a strong suspicion (always listen to your gut instinct) that something was array. 

All I know now is the person I fell deeply head over heels for never existed. Had she been an actress, I'd nominate her for an academy award with the act she put on in the time I knew her (which I never really did) Her true colors came out in the end. I couldn't take her lies anymore and was starting to become emotionally an physically exhausted. Didn't help that I was in an LDR which only added to the craziness. Oh and for the suspicion, well I got my closure 2 months ago. I found out that she was cheating on me with one of her ex-ex boyfriends (this is her 3rd  recycle with him), who knows how many others she had lined up while I was away. I can keep going on and on but that will be a whole dissertation.  At this point I don't care, I'm soo happy to be free of the drama and insanity of it all. I do miss the person or the mask I fell in love with, but Coming to this website has helped out tremendously. That and realizing that I do deserve better as do all of us.

[Tausk]

No one can know who they are because they are... . not.  

A very limited sense of a real-self combined with stunted emotional development that is forever stuck in the nightmare of the very real terror of an abused, alone and traumatized three year-old.  

They simply are not complete enough to be able to define who they are.  

And whether they are lying or not... . Is a Schizophrenic lying when when she says there are loud voices all around?  

I'm realizing that I should not have expected any more rationality from my ex than I would the a homeless street person.  Many of whom are pwBPD.  Just look into their eyes and interact.  You'll see.

[Boss302]

Awakened, I can totally relate.

In fact, by the time I was ready to divorce by BPDx, I didn't know her... . or ME. I had changed and compromised so much of my core being to stay with her that I had no idea who I was anymore. I was a shell of a man. Leaving her was the first step in reclaiming my manhood.

[talithacumi]

AO - I can totally identify with what you're saying, and how it feels to find yourself having to ask that question after sharing yourself/your life so intimately with someone for so long.

It was over 12 years for me. Same old story you see repeated time and again on these boards. Found out he was having an affair while I was working out of state in order to pay our rent. He ended our relationship/moved out before I could get back to even try to talk to him about why it had happened, and what if anything he might be willing/we could try to do to save our relationship. Emptied our bank accounts. Co-opted all of the jobs I'd lined up for himself by telling our clients I'd met someone else/moved out of state/taken their deposits. Left me three months behind on all the bills he'd told me he'd already paid, with over $25K in mutually-acquired debt to my family/friends, and our youngest son counting on our support to see him through his first year of college. Actively triangulated me with the replacement and enabled/encouraged/helped her systematically stalk, harass, threaten, and cause injury/harm to me, our kids, our cat, my family/friends, my property, my personal/professional reputation, and my credit rating.

In short, everything I'd had/known/counted on for the previous 12+ years was very suddenly gone with no real explanation of any kind that ever made any sense ... . including, most significantly, the validity of every single memory I had from that period of my life because his statements/actions put ALL of it in question. ALL OF IT.

The very worst thing he ever said to me post-abandonment was that he'd never really loved, cared about, or been happy being with me at all ... . that he'd only said all those things because he knew that's what I wanted to hear, and was afraid of what I'd say/do to him if he didn't.

He didn't say this in a moment of anger. It was stated very calmly, very matter of factly, and with a great deal of regret/remorse subsequently expressed for having lied to me/misled me about all those things for as long as he did.

Later, when he needed/wanted something from me, he denied having ever said anything like this to me at all ... . and/or reluctantly admitted to having said it, but that THAT was the REAL lie he'd told did just to hurt my feelings/make me feel bad.

Later, when his needs/desires were satisfied, he'd say he only SAID it was a lie because THAT was what I needed/wanted to hear and he was afraid of what I'd say/do to him if he DIDN'T take it back.

Ay yi yi.

The point is, I've been left not having ANY idea of what he REALLY felt about me and/or the relationship, family, home, and life we shared all that time.

ALL I know is that we were together for 12+ years during which time he never stopped telling me how much he loved, cared about, was happy, and wanted to be with me ... . right up until the time he got caught having an affair, left/abandoned me and everyone/everything remotely associated with the life we shared, and subsequently went out of his way to be a sadistic/self-serving pr*ck to me, our kids, my family/friends.

Having everything I knew/believed about my life turned on its head was bad/hard enough to deal with. Having the reality/validity of everything I knew/believed about the 12+ years I'd shared with him put so completely/irrevocably into question was, and remains more than I can even TRY to handle most of the time.

Mostly I try NOT to think about it. It's the past. It is whatever it is/was. Either way, it's long gone/over now, and there's no question that - regardless of what/how he really feels - he doesn't want or simply isn't emotionally able to be with me anymore. That's the truth that defines the present, both for him AND for me. And that's what I focus on. Making the most/best of that because, in all actuality, nothing else really matters.

This is HARD stuff to wrap your head around, AO. Luckily, you get to choose your battles. Choose one you at least have some chance of winning.

Big hug,

TC

[Arminius]

Yet again I find myself reading posts that I could have written!

The patterns are incredibly consistent. I hope I never have to encounter them again.

[Madison66]

To answer your question, I don't believe I ever really knew her because it felt like she wouldn't allow me to really see what was going on inside of her.  It was like witnessing different personalities.  The push/pull, the abuse, the chaos, whatever!

I get that we all have a need to better understand the PD and/or our ex pw BPD/NPD so we can make some sense of it.  What I've found is that after being out of the r/s for 6 months and actively working on myself, who my ex was or is doesn't matter to me anymore.  Her actions make even less sense to me today than they did while I allowed myself to be in the grips of that abusive r/s.  It's like a memory of a memory and I am focused on my own awareness of how I live my life and who I chose to have in my life.  I learned all I could about PD's not to better understand her, but rather to better understand "me" and to halt any possible allure to another f'd up r/s.  Now, I can say this simply because there was and is no reason to have this person remain in my life.  She will never be part of my life in any way, shape or form.  It would be different if we had kids, etc.  The key to my healing and detachment was to finally solely focus on me.         

[going places]

Do you really know who your ex was then or even now?

I don't really know who I was married to or what was real.

I have just realized this to the fullest at this very moment for some reason. Even after learning about BPD after the fact (since we split) and shifting what was real and not around to try to fit a BPD model to make sense of it all, I have no idea who she is or what was real. Lies and mirroring... . (uBPDstbxw)

I am not exaggerating, not knowing who I even was married to for four years? I don't feel like I can give a guess. I do know all the bad things were real? (selfishness, cruelty and violence). This is the most astounding thing I can ever remember thinking or feeling. She lied about everything. I doubt most people here will understand this. Maybe some of you who were married might. I couldn't swear to you of one single thing about her or us that was real.

Together 25 years Jan 2014.

Married 23 years in July (well, no... . divorce will be final June 15, ironically Fathers Day)

Yes, I know exactly how you feel when it comes to lying about everything.

e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g

Coming to the harsh realization that my life (at the 20 years of marriage mark) was a total, complete lie... that I believed and lived, lies. I can't even speak what that did to me. For years.

Well, I know when she said she went to the store and came back with bread that must of been true because I saw the bread. I know she went to work where she said she did because I saw the check stubs and I think I know what she liked to do for fun somewhat, still a ton of lies even with that, who knows? I know she likes being with her family. Other than that, I don't know who she is inside or what was real. I was told so many lies. Maybe it was all a lie except going to the store because she showed proof by having bread in her hand.

For me? The 'bread in hand' was the only truth.

That bread could have come from a gf's house, a neighbors house, the gas station.

Heck, it could have been in his car for days.

But if he had bread in his hand, then by golly, it was true.

I haven't really thought this out before, it kind of just hit me. Good in a way though still. Like what did I lose? Who did I lose? What did I lose? But then again I think what the hell did I do for the last four years but wonder around in a maze looking for the end of the maze? And then it turns out now I wasn't even in a maze I was in a dark room with no doors and windows for four years I guess.

When I stopped trying to make this make sense, is when the Peace started to creep in.

I will NEVER make sense of this.

It will never, make sense.

And today, I am ok with that.

Trying to make sense would trigger me into an event that was so destructive to my mental and physical health... . it had to stop.

I just came to the place where I said "It will never make sense, and I will no longer waste my precious time trying to find the last number in the number line".

Toward the end she did the "big reveal" of a ton of lies. I caught her in lies, then she would reveal a truth and then that truth would later turn out to be a fkn lie? One time she said to me "So I lied" in a way like "I lied get over it, no big deal that's what people do or I do.

Most people can account for the last 4 years. I sure cant. What the heck?

I hope even one person has a good response for me. If so I'd appreciate it. Anybody else here feel this way?

Peace,

AO

Like I said, 25 years, down the pooper.

You know what?

I'm ok. I am more than ok, I am a survivor.

I will come out of this stronger, better, and smarter.

I have to let it go.

I am tired of drowning, so I am letting go of the rock (a coined phrase from a pretty neat chick)

[AwakenedOne]

You all are so awesome!

Thanks for the support, sharing your stories and the advice.

I would of never imagined the day I met my future wife for our first date that I would end up years later in a support group due to my future hell I would have with her.

I am glad I found this place though. Our ex's lost really good people.

Peace & Blessings,

AO

[going places]

My stbexh has not matured past the age of 13.

A couple of years ago, I tried to 'understand' and 'help'.

I had empathy for days.

At some point I had to stop.

It has always been 'all about him'. His wants, his needs, his way.

I lost me to keep him happy.

I don't know what happened to him around the age of 13, but it locked him in.

I begged him last year to get help.

He (1) says he's fine, I'm the one who is crazy (2) he's afraid they will get in his mind and make him do things via a command word.

It's too bad. So sad he can just walk away from a wife of 23 years and 3 grown (amazing I might add) children... . but he can. And he will.

If you picture in your mind (2) 13 year old boys.

1 works on a farm with his family. Has solid parents, a father who loves his mother, who teaches, guides and is an upright man, honest, full of integrity. This 13 year old boy has goals. At 16 he wants to _____. At 18 he wants to______. He is mature, respectful and on his way.

The other is very spoiled. Doesn't clean his own room, do his own laundry, sits around all day playing video games. Makes messes everywhere he goes, and doesn't clean up. He is impulsive, and has little to no self control. His father is dishonest, steals from his work place and laughs about, arrogant and proud. His mother, quite, says nothing to rock the boat. When this boy is told no, it is the end of the world as we know it. The melt down is of Biblical preportion. He is sneaky, deceptive, manipulative, and lies... . and he gets away with it. He lives for the moment, for personal gain and pleasure, he is always right.

I know you have seen both of these 13 year old boys in public. You can spot them a mile away.

I married the latter.

I don't know what the trauma was that arrested his development, but I have done my time trying to help.

Now I need to focus on myself.

Heal myself.

Move forward with myself.

Set and achieve goals, myself.

It sounds SO selfish... . but it's not.

Not after the 25 years of what I have been thru!

[imstronghere2]

Awakened, I can totally relate.

In fact, by the time I was ready to divorce by BPDx, I didn't know her... . or ME. I had changed and compromised so much of my core being to stay with her that I had no idea who I was anymore. I was a shell of a man. Leaving her was the first step in reclaiming my manhood.

Me too brother.   Me too.   

[Indigo Sky]

I don't know who my ex-partner is. (They are chameleons, they adapt to their prey)

Doesn't matter... .

[BacknthSaddle]

I would of never imagined the day I met my future wife for our first date that I would end up years later in a support group due to my future hell I would have with her.

I feel the same. But what's even more amazing is: now I realize that this is the ONLY way it could have turned out.

[honeysuckle]

"I feel the same. But what's even more amazing is: now I realize that this is the ONLY way it could have turned out."


Well said! I too now realize that and it helps me to move on and accept there is nothing I could have done or will be able to do for this person. I gave everything I had and in the end it doesn't really matter at all. I am grieving a person I never knew then or now.


This post has been very helpful to me thank you all.

[Xstaticaddict]

When certain things about her past and present were stairing me dead in the face, I completly disregarded them, in essence she was showing who she really was, without her even realzing it, and then without me wanting to accept it.

I feel the same way about my ex. When we were first getting to know each other she gave me all kinds of self evaluations of her relationship problems with her "baby daddy" (with whom I had a really pleasant conversation with this afternoon as he was calling to see if his kids were here as she only talks to him to try to get money from him) but it always had a victim spin on it that was never her fault, or that things that turned out to be huge BPD behaviors were downplayed as quirks. I was too hypnotized by the damsel in distress who adored me and gave incredible head to really clue in to the fact that she was the chaos generator.

I agree fully that we knew who they were, it's the whole process of letting go of who we "needed" them to be to justify how long we stayed with them that's blowing my mind.

[Tolou]

"I agree fully that we knew who they were, it's the whole process of letting go of who we "needed" them to be to justify how long we stayed with them that's blowing my mind."

couldnt have said it better EXADDICT

 

[laelle]

I never had a clue who my ex was.  Every time I would try to understand him and support his views and decisions, he would change them and go in the total opposite direction.

I personally think it was intentional, but that can be debated if you want.  Was he scared that his views were fatally flawed and not worthy of support, or did he just want to keep me at arms length.  As I read in the book "Why does he do that", it is impossible for an abuser to be close to someone that they abuse.  The guilt would be too much to bear.  My ex was a pro at keeping me guessing and changing directions.  A master at dodging anything with even a hint of constancy.  He was a pro "player" as are some of his friends.  Abusers tend to hang out together.  They can validate each others actions as deserving.

I was duped and didnt have a clue who he was.  More importantly, why was I in a relationship with someone that I didnt know or trust?  Why did I allow a few lovely words to nearly destroy me and my family.  I can blame him for being loony, but I what was I?

[going places]

I never had a clue who my ex was.  Every time I would try to understand him and support his views and decisions, he would change them and go in the total opposite direction.

I personally think it was intentional, but that can be debated if you want.  Was he scared that his views were fatally flawed and not worthy of support, or did he just want to keep me at arms length.  As I read in the book "Why does he do that", it is impossible for an abuser to be close to someone that they abuse.  The guilt would be too much to bear.  My ex was a pro at keeping me guessing and changing directions.  A master at dodging anything with even a hint of constancy.  He was a pro "player" as are some of his friends.  Abusers tend to hang out together.  They can validate each others actions as deserving.

I was duped and didnt have a clue who he was.  More importantly, why was I in a relationship with someone that I didnt know or trust?  Why did I allow a few lovely words to nearly destroy me and my family.  I can blame him for being loony, but I what was I?

The Emotionally Abused Woman

www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1401880628&sr=8-1&keywords=the+emotionally+abused+woman

Amazing book.

[laelle]

I never had a clue who my ex was.  Every time I would try to understand him and support his views and decisions, he would change them and go in the total opposite direction.

I personally think it was intentional, but that can be debated if you want.  Was he scared that his views were fatally flawed and not worthy of support, or did he just want to keep me at arms length.  As I read in the book "Why does he do that", it is impossible for an abuser to be close to someone that they abuse.  The guilt would be too much to bear.  My ex was a pro at keeping me guessing and changing directions.  A master at dodging anything with even a hint of constancy.  He was a pro "player" as are some of his friends.  Abusers tend to hang out together.  They can validate each others actions as deserving.

I was duped and didnt have a clue who he was.  More importantly, why was I in a relationship with someone that I didnt know or trust?  Why did I allow a few lovely words to nearly destroy me and my family.  I can blame him for being loony, but I what was I?

The Emotionally Abused Woman

www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1401880628&sr=8-1&keywords=the+emotionally+abused+woman

Amazing book.

Thank you going places, will see if I can get it on kindle.