|
thicker skin
|
 |
« on: June 02, 2014, 06:36:50 AM » |
|
Hi
When our children were small, I was forbidden to have a job... . I couldn't be trusted and he thought I'd leave him, so when he went self employed, I took up the admin side of things, until our youngest was 2/3, then I took on a manual role in the building business, working very hard in all areas of my life.
When it became clear that we weren't we and I only had a job with him, to pay for our children and I wasn't working towards our or my future, I took a job, one day a week in the village shop. I still worked four for him. I loved it, seeing people, having a bit of something for myself and a change of scenery. It gave me an outlet and other peoples perspective of me diluted the negativity I was experiencing at home. It was only simple till work, making up orders and stacking shelves, but it put me back in touch with the community that I'd moved away from and I needed that. The shop sadly closed just at the time that we started arguing again.
That job is still brought up as where I lead a secret double life and how I allowed men to come in and abuse me. I haven't worked there for 6 years. I wasn't being abused by men or doing anything wrong.
We separated in 2008 and I took me and my then S12 and D10 to live with my mum. Within weeks, I had secured a tenancy and was in a nice rented home, minutes from the beach. I set up my own business and slowly, began to gain momentum. For all that time, I was still accused, suspected and hounded. My FOO were also targeted. He made wild accusations and refused to pay maintenance for the kids until I proved myself to him... . I chose not to. I went to work instead and paid for my children myself.
Each job that I was at ( self employed decorator ) he'd text or email me, telling me that I was trying to provoke him by making him jealous, hiding my deviant secrets and unable to face the truth about myself. He said I went to work for narcissitic supply and enjoyed turning on teenage boys etc... . All very disturbing. It actually took a lot of courage to do what I did and I was well respected at work for my ethics and gritty resolve.
Long story short... . Thinking that I could prove, by attending psychiatric appointments and keeping my resolve, that I wasn't a nutter, having built a strong foundation for myself, I went back to him. He had 2 emotional affairs, to teach me a lesson, which he bragged about and upped his insistence that there was something wrong with me and tried to heal me. Over time, I crumbled. I couldn't run a business without exchanging business cards or making new contacts and I couldn't stop him freaking out in front of the kids and evicting us.
I dislocated my coccyx and twisted my si joint, but still worked, whilst he had a bad back. He said I owed him for raising my D. I did that for nearly a year, grey with pain, but thinking that I was being responsible and strong. It got physical one morning, because I was using the van to take the kids to the bus stop ( my car was full of my work tools ) and that's when I drew the line. Being thrown around, in my condition AND being told that it was my fault for not doing as I was told was too much. I stopped working, to mend my busted back and to get him off of it.
So, here I am. 2 years later. My si joint is still painful, but my coccyx has fixed in place. I've written up my CV, work as an admin assistant voluntarily and I've taken careers advice. I am applying for jobs left right and centre, but with little luck. My back problem means that I can't go back to manual labour, or lift/push/pull much weight. This limits me greatly but I accept it.
My partner is angry with me and has asked me to lower my expectations and stop being so narcissistic. He feels that the jobs I'm applying for are way above me and wants me to get a reality check and be real about who I truly am. Basic admin assistant or customer service roles aren't beyond me ( having run a business and project managed some contracts ). He takes the Mickey out of me and taunts me. I'd prefer some support. I'm not taking his ideas on board.
I was wrong to want to work, wrong when I did, wrong when I didn't and wrong when I'm trying to. All roads lead to an NPD diagnosis and paranoid accusations, where he picks me to pieces and blames me for his negativity.
How do I set a boundary around this and when I do get a job, what's the best way to defuse crazy assumptions? So far, doing the right thing has been my undoing.
|
