How could I still be feeling this way and when will it stop?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys,

A little over a week ago, it was revealed to me that my ex went back to her ex from before me. This guy was a guy that she trashed talked whenever the opportunity arose, to the point where I literally defended him to her disgust. Anyway, the girl is clearly uBPD based on everything that happened and everything I know about her. Even with this knowledge, even with the weird 3am messages to me that I am trying to ruin her life (even when I haven't contacted her in a month)... . even with all the terrible things she did and said... .

I still find myself waking up to her face in my mind, falling asleep to the memory of her, getting through the day just thinking about her incessantly. I can't tell you what it is that keeps the thought persisting.

On Sunday evening I looked at her Facebook for the first time in a week. She strategically blocks everything from public view. And I mean EVERYTHING. Except suddenly there was a link to a song made public. The song was a love song about soulmates from a CD I bought her for Christmas. I wasn't familiar with the song. It has no significance to me or our relationship. I couldn't help thinking though that she made it public for me to see. I know the whole thing should be a moot point, but I wonder even if based on limited knowledge if anyone else could offer insight as to whether or not she would have posted that song and made it public for me to see. Or maybe it was posted for her new guy and she just accidentally made it public?

Either way, I contacted her the next day. But she still has me blocked. My text to her went unread. This whole thing is a nightmare.

[JohnThorn]

Hey guys,

A little over a week ago, it was revealed to me that my ex went back to her ex from before me. This guy was a guy that she trashed talked whenever the opportunity arose, to the point where I literally defended him to her disgust. Anyway, the girl is clearly uBPD based on everything that happened and everything I know about her. Even with this knowledge, even with the weird 3am messages to me that I am trying to ruin her life (even when I haven't contacted her in a month)... . even with all the terrible things she did and said... .

I still find myself waking up to her face in my mind, falling asleep to the memory of her, getting through the day just thinking about her incessantly. I can't tell you what it is that keeps the thought persisting.

On Sunday evening I looked at her Facebook for the first time in a week. She strategically blocks everything from public view. And I mean EVERYTHING. Except suddenly there was a link to a song made public. The song was a love song about soulmates from a CD I bought her for Christmas. I wasn't familiar with the song. It has no significance to me or our relationship. I couldn't help thinking though that she made it public for me to see. I know the whole thing should be a moot point, but I wonder even if based on limited knowledge if anyone else could offer insight as to whether or not she would have posted that song and made it public for me to see. Or maybe it was posted for her new guy and she just accidentally made it public?

Either way, I contacted her the next day. But she still has me blocked. My text to her went unread. This whole thing is a nightmare.

[Dolly rocker]

I think it was meant for u to see. My ex used to post about his gigs in hope I'd turn up to see him.

They are very clever!

[JohnThorn]

I think it was meant for u to see. My ex used to post about his gigs in hope I'd turn up to see him.

They are very clever!

But then why keep me blocked?  What would be the point?

[momtara]

Well, they are mentally ill, so it doesn't always fall into logic.  I think she probably did want you to see it.  You were good to her; of course she knows that.  Of course you still care about her.  Like many here, it doesn't matter how she has hurt you - you are still going to have feelings for her, and that's ok.  But it's too toxic to be with someone who is only good half the time.  As for keeping you blocked, she may not have bothered to unblock you or may not want you to see certain things.  She puts one thing on there to reel you in, and can hide everything else (like pix of her ex) so you get hooked.  You sent a text; you did the best you could.  If you want, work on an email telling her how you feel, and then don't send it (unless someday you want to) - it's just for you to work on. 

Hang in there.  Maybe there's a woman equally wonderful who you won't have to jump thru hoops for or play games to get. 

[JohnThorn]

Well, they are mentally ill, so it doesn't always fall into logic.  I think she probably did want you to see it.  You were good to her; of course she knows that.  Of course you still care about her.  Like many here, it doesn't matter how she has hurt you - you are still going to have feelings for her, and that's ok.  But it's too toxic to be with someone who is only good half the time.  As for keeping you blocked, she may not have bothered to unblock you or may not want you to see certain things.  She puts one thing on there to reel you in, and can hide everything else (like pix of her ex) so you get hooked.  You sent a text; you did the best you could.  If you want, work on an email telling her how you feel, and then don't send it (unless someday you want to) - it's just for you to work on. 

Hang in there.  Maybe there's a woman equally wonderful who you won't have to jump thru hoops for or play games to get. 

I wouldn't expect her to unblock me on facebook, but why not unblock me from text?  There's no point to put songs out there like that if its impossible to contact her.  Also, shouldn't she be in a "honeymoon phase" with the new (old) guy.  She probably isn't thinking about me at all...

[momtara]

Unblocking takes too much thought and work.  Maybe she just wanted to get your attention to have you as a backup.  Who knows?  It could be a coincidence too.  Analyzing everything she does is a pretty common thing to do after a breakup you didn't really want, but it doesn't get you anywhere.  If you feel you need to send her an email saying a few things, you can always work on it, revise it, and feel good about it.

[Johnny Alias]

Let's be blunt.  Communicating with this person hurts you.  When its good it hurts you.  When its bad it really HURTS you.  When games are played it's agonizingly painful. 

Free advice... . stop thinking about her.  Stop over analyzing this.  That's going to take time, but you are reseting the clock by looking at her page. 

Block her.  Block her texts.  Stop people from talking to you about her.  It is NEVER going to work and deep down you know this.  There is no happy ending here.  Trying to figure out her motives is a waste of your energy.  Its compulsive at first and you can't help it, but adding more spice into the recipe of dysfunction you're in right now only makes the taste last longer in your mouth. 

Take control.  Do it.  She'll probably come knocking again.  Ignore it.  Wall her out of your life or you'll miss opportunities with a much healthier person.  Believe it. 

Don't write her.  You can't win here.  You'll never get the answers or apologies you want.  You'll never get closure.  And if she ignores you you'll feel 10x worse because your feelings will be shown to NOT matter to her... . which is a hard realization with BPD's and cluster b's in general. 

Walk away.  Work out.  Make a list of goals.  See a therapist.  Get on prescribed drugs if they recommend it. 

And grieve.  Cry.  Let it all out.  But don't contact her.  She isn't the oasis in the desert that will save you from the heat of life.  SHE IS THE HEAT.  Remember that. 

You have no idea who that song is meant for... . and in reality it doesn't matter.  You going to her page and analyzing this stuff to death is what matters.  And I've been there.  It'll get better, but you have to commit to No Contact and eventually dating other women. 

[Blimblam]

wow, Johny wise words.

I have no idea how long it will take for me.  The first time I was shattered by  pwBPD it took me 2 years to heal.  The healing only occurred though when I spent about 3 months alone in the forest with no electricity and had enough time to confront all the thoughts I had going through my head and to be able to reflect on why I had these thoughts and where and why they were there and to kind of reprogram and clear out my mind. In doing that though I did totally break free.

I have another friend who  was torn apart by a borderline ex wife of his.  He lost 2 jobs and 2 years later he still is not healed emotionally, everytime I see him he is stuck in a loop on what he has to do to get back himself.  

I think a lot of it depends on ones own traumas in life that made them more succeptible. Perhaps, the more codependent tendencies one has the the more difficult the healing process.

[antjs]

Let's be blunt.  Communicating with this person hurts you.  When its good it hurts you.  When its bad it really HURTS you.  When games are played it's agonizingly painful. 

Free advice... . stop thinking about her.  Stop over analyzing this.  That's going to take time, but you are reseting the clock by looking at her page. 

Block her.  Block her texts.  Stop people from talking to you about her.  It is NEVER going to work and deep down you know this.  There is no happy ending here.  Trying to figure out her motives is a waste of your energy.  Its compulsive at first and you can't help it, but adding more spice into the recipe of dysfunction you're in right now only makes the taste last longer in your mouth. 

Take control.  Do it.  She'll probably come knocking again.  Ignore it.  Wall her out of your life or you'll miss opportunities with a much healthier person.  Believe it. 

Don't write her.  You can't win here.  You'll never get the answers or apologies you want.  You'll never get closure.  And if she ignores you you'll feel 10x worse because your feelings will be shown to NOT matter to her... . which is a hard realization with BPD's and cluster b's in general. 

Walk away.  Work out.  Make a list of goals.  See a therapist.  Get on prescribed drugs if they recommend it. 

And grieve.  Cry.  Let it all out.  But don't contact her.  She isn't the oasis in the desert that will save you from the heat of life.  SHE IS THE HEAT.  Remember that. 

You have no idea who that song is meant for... . and in reality it doesn't matter.  You going to her page and analyzing this stuff to death is what matters.  And I've been there.  It'll get better, but you have to commit to No Contact and eventually dating other women. 

i agree to every word Johnny have said. I have been through what you are going through now. I reached and did what Johnny is saying but unfortunately the hard way after i enabled her and did not get any closure or validation. Please do it the easy way. If i would get to tell you only one tip about healing from a BPD relationship it is to go NO CONTACT !

[Blimblam]

so  the ptsd symptoms are not permanent?

One thing I realized is a lot of the things they will post on social media have double meanings.  Like the love song could be for multiple people at once. on the one hand you think its for you in which case you get feed her positive energy when you contact her.  On the the other hand you think its not for you and it hurts you. either way you have that doubt in your mind and she is gaslighting you while at the same time convincing someone else they are special.  Either way she is affecting your emotions and that is her goal which is for you and everyone else to not detach from her completely.

[cosmonaut]

I feel the same way, John, like this break-up is a nightmare that I can't wake from.  I too am haunted by the thoughts and memories of my ex.  I still finding myself hoping for the miracle that brings us back together.  I still secretly wish for a future where we are together - happy and peaceful, deliriously in love.  The emotion of that can be overwhelming at times.  It is a tremendous amount to deal with.

I think this state of mind can often lead us to try to read the tea leaves with our ex.  We are desperately seeking answers and grasping for meaning in the wake of our relationship ending.  We obsessively analyze every situation, every contact, every word looking for some speck of evidence to provide some context or validate our deepest hopes.  I find myself doing that too.  I think it's natural to do so, but we must also realize that we can't know the true answer.  There are so many things that my ex has done that I will never be able to understand.

[Dutched]

You have no idea who that song is meant for... . and in reality it doesn't matter. You going to her page and analyzing this stuff to death is what matters.  And I've been there.  It'll get better, but you have to commit to No Contact and eventually dating other women. 

So true Johnny Alias! It is good to highlight and remember us of that!

Must say it is a process to get to this stage, been there too, already in that r/s when I had the confidence to change matters in order to grow old together and it worked for a couple of years.

Well, the disorder wins, always…

Discovered however when we say “they are like a 4 yr. old”, we must also realize that a 4 yr. old acts upon impulse. As a BPD is a an adult with normal social skills, vocabulary, etc. we get confused up to total unbelive of what is happening.

As Cosmonaut writes, it is a nightmare. I am more than 3yrs. out now, but in a way secretly hoping to finish that path as parents, later grandparents, which is totally wishful thinking.

One thing I realized is a lot of the things they will post on social media have double meanings.  Like the love song could be for multiple people at once.

All post of FB (except those in special closed groups) are a show of for the (wonderful) activities one undertakes.  We visited ABC / We partied at DEF, etc.

It is the social pressure those on social media feel themselves to like, comment, to show “I belong too”.

If not, one is considered “weird”, not social.

Did you see posts, or do you post such as:

“my GF had an outburst and deliberately broke my favourite XYZ”

“I grieved and cried whole evening about my ex”

“I saw my ex and couldn’t sleep the whole night”

It is not “social correct behaviour”, not “social accepted behaviour”.

Maybe I am confronting in a harsh way, it is not meant to be.

It is to see the perspective, not all we see is linked to a PD, the words written by Johnny are spot on.

   We do not have any idea,  and it doesn’t matter actually.

WE matter that is the long painful and lonely road for us to walk…