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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: How could I still be feeling this way and when will it stop?  (Read 917 times)
JohnThorn
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Posts: 130


« on: June 04, 2014, 07:41:54 AM »

Hey guys,

A little over a week ago, it was revealed to me that my ex went back to her ex from before me. This guy was a guy that she trashed talked whenever the opportunity arose, to the point where I literally defended him to her disgust. Anyway, the girl is clearly uBPD based on everything that happened and everything I know about her. Even with this knowledge, even with the weird 3am messages to me that I am trying to ruin her life (even when I haven't contacted her in a month)... . even with all the terrible things she did and said... .

I still find myself waking up to her face in my mind, falling asleep to the memory of her, getting through the day just thinking about her incessantly. I can't tell you what it is that keeps the thought persisting.

On Sunday evening I looked at her Facebook for the first time in a week. She strategically blocks everything from public view. And I mean EVERYTHING. Except suddenly there was a link to a song made public. The song was a love song about soulmates from a CD I bought her for Christmas. I wasn't familiar with the song. It has no significance to me or our relationship. I couldn't help thinking though that she made it public for me to see. I know the whole thing should be a moot point, but I wonder even if based on limited knowledge if anyone else could offer insight as to whether or not she would have posted that song and made it public for me to see. Or maybe it was posted for her new guy and she just accidentally made it public?

Either way, I contacted her the next day. But she still has me blocked. My text to her went unread. This whole thing is a nightmare.

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Dolly rocker
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 92



« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2014, 08:32:50 AM »

I think it was meant for u to see. My ex used to post about his gigs in hope I'd turn up to see him.

They are very clever!
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JohnThorn
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« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2014, 09:12:15 AM »

I think it was meant for u to see. My ex used to post about his gigs in hope I'd turn up to see him.

They are very clever!

But then why keep me blocked?  What would be the point?
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momtara
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2014, 09:20:25 AM »

Well, they are mentally ill, so it doesn't always fall into logic.  I think she probably did want you to see it.  You were good to her; of course she knows that.  Of course you still care about her.  Like many here, it doesn't matter how she has hurt you - you are still going to have feelings for her, and that's ok.  But it's too toxic to be with someone who is only good half the time.  As for keeping you blocked, she may not have bothered to unblock you or may not want you to see certain things.  She puts one thing on there to reel you in, and can hide everything else (like pix of her ex) so you get hooked.  You sent a text; you did the best you could.  If you want, work on an email telling her how you feel, and then don't send it (unless someday you want to) - it's just for you to work on. 

Hang in there.  Maybe there's a woman equally wonderful who you won't have to jump thru hoops for or play games to get. 

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JohnThorn
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« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2014, 09:38:47 AM »

Well, they are mentally ill, so it doesn't always fall into logic.  I think she probably did want you to see it.  You were good to her; of course she knows that.  Of course you still care about her.  Like many here, it doesn't matter how she has hurt you - you are still going to have feelings for her, and that's ok.  But it's too toxic to be with someone who is only good half the time.  As for keeping you blocked, she may not have bothered to unblock you or may not want you to see certain things.  She puts one thing on there to reel you in, and can hide everything else (like pix of her ex) so you get hooked.  You sent a text; you did the best you could.  If you want, work on an email telling her how you feel, and then don't send it (unless someday you want to) - it's just for you to work on. 

Hang in there.  Maybe there's a woman equally wonderful who you won't have to jump thru hoops for or play games to get. 

I wouldn't expect her to unblock me on facebook, but why not unblock me from text?  There's no point to put songs out there like that if its impossible to contact her.  Also, shouldn't she be in a "honeymoon phase" with the new (old) guy.  She probably isn't thinking about me at all...
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momtara
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2014, 11:27:16 AM »

Unblocking takes too much thought and work.  Maybe she just wanted to get your attention to have you as a backup.  Who knows?  It could be a coincidence too.  Analyzing everything she does is a pretty common thing to do after a breakup you didn't really want, but it doesn't get you anywhere.  If you feel you need to send her an email saying a few things, you can always work on it, revise it, and feel good about it.
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Johnny Alias
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« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2014, 12:43:13 PM »

Let's be blunt.  Communicating with this person hurts you.  When its good it hurts you.  When its bad it really HURTS you.  When games are played it's agonizingly painful. 

Free advice... . stop thinking about her.  Stop over analyzing this.  That's going to take time, but you are reseting the clock by looking at her page. 

Block her.  Block her texts.  Stop people from talking to you about her.  It is NEVER going to work and deep down you know this.  There is no happy ending here.  Trying to figure out her motives is a waste of your energy.  Its compulsive at first and you can't help it, but adding more spice into the recipe of dysfunction you're in right now only makes the taste last longer in your mouth. 

Take control.  Do it.  She'll probably come knocking again.  Ignore it.  Wall her out of your life or you'll miss opportunities with a much healthier person.  Believe it. 

Don't write her.  You can't win here.  You'll never get the answers or apologies you want.  You'll never get closure.  And if she ignores you you'll feel 10x worse because your feelings will be shown to NOT matter to her... . which is a hard realization with BPD's and cluster b's in general. 

Walk away.  Work out.  Make a list of goals.  See a therapist.  Get on prescribed drugs if they recommend it. 

And grieve.  Cry.  Let it all out.  But don't contact her.  She isn't the oasis in the desert that will save you from the heat of life.  SHE IS THE HEAT.  Remember that. 

You have no idea who that song is meant for... . and in reality it doesn't matter.  You going to her page and analyzing this stuff to death is what matters.  And I've been there.  It'll get better, but you have to commit to No Contact and eventually dating other women. 
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Blimblam
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