Does one BPD understand another BPD

[maxsterling]

The other day I had this idea that my BPDgf lives in a universe that has different laws of nature.  Her behavior makes perfect sense in her universe, but to us nons, it just doesn't work.  It's like in her universe, the sun goes around the earth, and there are all sorts or rules to why this is so.  But if two people each with BPD were in some kind of relationship or friendship, would they recognize and understand the emotions and behaviors of the other?  Or would it be pure hell?

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[bruceli]

IME, they can't stand each other.  Have had the opportunity to see this in many different arenas and many times.  Fun to watch however.

[arjay]

But if two people each with BPD were in some kind of relationship or friendship, would they recognize and understand the emotions and behaviors of the other?  Or would it be pure hell?

Hey that is a great question.  Equally I would be curious to know if they would have to sit-down periodically and decide "who's turn it was to be painted black and abandon the other"  

[MissyM]

Well, I have a friend that is a mostly recovered BPD and she has great insights into my dBPDh.  She, however, has very little tolerance for her BPD step-daughter.  Think in close relationships that there is no way for 2 BPDs to get along.

[leza]

OK, now my turn... . According to my BPDh, I have BPD. However, I KNOW he has BPD, dx and all!  So here we are ... . and NO it is not humorous... . actually we do have our moments... . LOL

Since I have found this site, I have read all different threads, gotten all kinds of insight and this thread hits 'the nail on the head'.  I have been in T for a long time and maybe that's why we work. But I just thought he 'was a guy' and all men are the same with the ... . 'I'm in charge; if I say the white wall is black, then it is; I'm right and everybody else is wrong; I'm the greatest'... . kind of stuff. 

WOW, my head is spinning.  Help me understand... . plz.  Where should I go from here.  I've noticed that the more I learn and try to apply, the further he seems to distance himself.  Also, he will find a thread that will 'help me'... . so I read, apply and all of a sudden... . it's the 'I read it wrong' so I am wrong- situation.  Because I did not interpret it the way he thought I should, then I didn't 'get it'.

Am I interpreting this wrong... . or am I starting to figure stuff out... . ?

I guess my question is could I possibly be a healing BPDw... . is that how it works?

[formflier]

Welcome to this forum!  Please keep coming back to read and learn more.

I've got some very general advice at this point.

I am a bit doubtful that someone with BPD should be reading about it with their non (or in your case you are "suspected".  I think that sets up the dynamic that you have gone through.

So... . don't stop reading... . just make sure you can do it privately.

I would encourage you to find time to ready about healthy relationships and boundaries.  Boundaries were HUGE for me to learn about.  I'm still learning.  To me it seems like BPDs feel privacy is "hiding" things from them.  It's not... . it's just your private stuff.

I would encourage you to discuss your metal health concerns with your T.  I would value their opinion much more than I would the opinion of the BPD person in your life.  If there really is a concern you can ask for a referral to "rule out" BPD as one of your issues.  That is much different than asking for an exam and diagnosis.


Hang in there... . keep coming back... .

OK, now my turn... . According to my BPDh, I have BPD. However, I KNOW he has BPD, dx and all!  So here we are ... . and NO it is not humorous... . actually we do have our moments... . LOL

Since I have found this site, I have read all different threads, gotten all kinds of insight and this thread hits 'the nail on the head'.  I have been in T for a long time and maybe that's why we work. But I just thought he 'was a guy' and all men are the same with the ... . 'I'm in charge; if I say the white wall is black, then it is; I'm right and everybody else is wrong; I'm the greatest'... . kind of stuff. 

WOW, my head is spinning.  Help me understand... . plz.  Where should I go from here.  I've noticed that the more I learn and try to apply, the further he seems to distance himself.  Also, he will find a thread that will 'help me'... . so I read, apply and all of a sudden... . it's the 'I read it wrong' so I am wrong- situation.  Because I did not interpret it the way he thought I should, then I didn't 'get it'.

Am I interpreting this wrong... . or am I starting to figure stuff out... . ?

I guess my question is could I possibly be a healing BPDw... . is that how it works?

[Love Is Not Enough]

But if two people each with BPD were in some kind of relationship or friendship, would they recognize and understand the emotions and behaviors of the other?  Or would it be pure hell?

Hey that is a great question.  Equally I would be curious to know if they would have to sit-down periodically and decide "who's turn it was to be painted black and abandon the other"  

The answer is PURE HELL. I have/had a great deal of BPD/NPD in my own life (father and sister). My gf has a ton of it in her family. I have traced it all the way back to her great-grandmother I think (great gm, gm, mother, two sisters). I know her grandmother has issues for sure. Both of her sisters also have it. She was taken away from her mother when she was 18 months old for severe neglect due to her mother's drug abuse. Her mother moved in with her (as a leech IMO) when we began dating and it became a complete and total nightmare. My gf was hoping to have the rs with her that she missed out on as a child. WRONG! It ended with my gf moving into a hotel for two weeks until the mother moved on to a guy she seduced online. That is an insane story in itself. Her mother pretended to be a guy and online dated the guy's ex gf to get information about him. Creepy! Looking back on it now I think I should write a book. I really do not know how I survived all of it.

It is funny to see my gf talk to her high-functioning sister about their low-functioning sister. They see exactly how dysfunctional the behavior is, but have a hard time relating it to themselves. I have brought this up to my gf before (gently) and she does see the similarity, especially with her mother. This gives my gf a lot of motivation not to be like her mom which motivates her with her DBT.

My NPD sister and BPDgf do not get along well to say the least.

The dynamic of this is very interesting and I definitely see how an entire family can fall to pieces when there are several disordered people involved. There should definitely be more studies done on this as it is very interesting.

[formflier]

 

You can also get a triangulation thing going.

In my family it is uBPDw, sister in law and the Mom of wife and sister in law.  Mom's mom is still alive as well but she is not well.

Anyway... . They rarely all like each other... . but they usually have at least one that they like.

So... . if my wife and her sister are good with each other... . the Mom is out for some reason.  Most of the time the Mom and my sister in law are on good terms... . but then my wife is left out... .

They all seem to thing grandma is horrible. 

My wife's mom's family is split into two camps over care of the grandma.  They haven't spoken in years.

It's sad... . they all see it in the others... . but can't look in the mirror.

[bpbreakout]

BPDw has a brother who has a lot of the same issues as she does

They have treated each other like **** for years, they are rude to each other, they are always going "NC" but both keep coming back for more and then both constantly take offence at something the other has said and the cycle starts again.

They live in entrirely seperate universes from each other 

[empathic]

BPDw has a brother who has a lot of the same issues as she does

They have treated each other like **** for years, they are rude to each other, they are always going "NC" but both keep coming back for more and then both constantly take offence at something the other has said and the cycle starts again.

They live in entrirely seperate universes from each other 

Same for me. I've listened to endless rants about the brother of my wife (and his wife). Then it turned around and he's now on my wife's good side. They're even in business together. Now and then something about him surfaces, but I just validate it shortly. I don't get into any lengthy discussions trying to "solve" it anymore - because I can't.

To me, her brother seems more NPD than BPD, but like with my wife it's hard to tell from the outside. The negativity and mistrust of people is something they definitely share. It's hard listening to them when they start badmouthing people.

[waverider]

They can understand each other in a way, but that is not the same as empathy nor ability to get on harmoniously. In a support group they could probably "get" each other, but ultimately the others would be competition for "poor me" center stage, rather than bonding empathy

If you put two pool balls in a box and kept shaking it you are likely to get a similar reaction as to two pwBPD in a close relationship. However, to them this would be normal. Explosions would happen, they would dissapate, then happen again. Neither would take ownership nor learn and evolve

A constant cycle of raw emotions thrown about with non of it sticking as they are both expressing and not really soaking anything up. Both reacting exactly as the other is provoking them to. Could it last? Maybe. Would it be healthy? Probably not. Constantly validating each others dysfunctionality.

If a child came out of this, it could be toxic for that child.

[bobcat2014]

Yes and no... . at least from my experience. I have watch my wife and her sister fist fight at a drop of a hat, both are nBPD. However, I have also watch them team together and see someone black and get along just great. If they can relate to a common enemy they understand each other. Scary thing,really.

[maxsterling]

Interestingly - GF's female "friend" was to be traveling through town this weekend.  Originally, this friend was to stay two nights at our house.  But as the date became closer, GF declared that she doesn't really even like this friend because friend is too negative and always complains about being broke and lonely  .  I've never met this friend, but GF admitted she is the same way, but not nearly as bad (I can't imagine anyone more lonely or obsessed about being broke than my GF, so this friend must be really bad!).  GF also kept making comments about how I may like this friend more than her and asked me if I would want to have sex with her.  ?  GF eventually called the whole thing off, and I suspect the real reason is shame and fear and nothing to do with the friend being negative or depressive.  I would think GF would understand the negativity and money worries... .