Restricted Calls

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Quick synopsis of my situation.  1 1/2 year relationship with my exBPDgf (found out after the fact that she was diagnosed) ended nine months ago after she lost it one day and I refused a recycle attempt two days later.  Since then she has engaged in a smear campaign against me (including attempting to convince my family I was a sociopath), married my replacement, harassed me over text, and gone so far as to show up at a place she knew I would be so her and her friends could make snide comments and basically act like 14 year-olds.  This last one was at the end of February, three months after her marriage.

Ignoring her that night was one of the hardest things I have had to do, but I knew any attention would only feed into the craziness.  Since then things have been quite.  I figured that she had finally got the message that when I said no contact, I meant it.  One final extinction burst before she disappeared for good.

How wrong I was.  Last Friday I was out with friends, as I have done every Friday for years now, and I received a call that came up "Restricted".  Call it intuition or call it knowing how someone works, but I instantly knew it was her.  I let it go to voice mail, no message left.  I wrote it off as something triggered her and she called.  She probably didn't even want to say anything, probably hoping that I was sitting at home on a Friday mourning the loss of her or something.  I even got this image of her sneaking off into some room while her husband watched TV or slept in their bed.

I left my phone in the car when I got home that night and when I retrieved it in the morning, there was another restricted call.  Throughout the weekend I received several more at random times.  Some of them very early or late, waking me up.  I ignored them.  Two more yesterday.

Finally, this morning, I had enough.  I answered, said hello and waited.  When there was no response I said, "(Her name) if you want to talk to me, then talk to me, like an adult.  Otherwise, please leave me alone." 

There was a tiny sound on the other end, this little whimper she does, and then the call ended.

I have her number blocked, but it's possible she has a new number now.  I thought about changing my own number, but since my business runs through my cell phone, all she would have to do is look at my business site to find what number I am using.  I now have the choice between inquiring around as to whether or not she has a new number from people that know both of us so that I can get the number to block it, or paying $25 extra a month to block any and all restricted numbers from calling me.  I figure I will just pay the extra money as I imagine if she hears I'm trying to get her new number it will only perpetuate all this crap with her.

Just needed to vent to some people who understand.  Most the people in my life don't seem to understand how bad it can be dealing with an ex who has BPD.  I am also now kicking myself for answering and even opening the door a tiny crack for her.  I let her push my buttons and it bothers me.

[MrFox]

Quick synopsis of my situation.  1 1/2 year relationship with my exBPDgf (found out after the fact that she was diagnosed) ended nine months ago after she lost it one day and I refused a recycle attempt two days later.  Since then she has engaged in a smear campaign against me (including attempting to convince my family I was a sociopath), married my replacement, harassed me over text, and gone so far as to show up at a place she knew I would be so her and her friends could make snide comments and basically act like 14 year-olds.  This last one was at the end of February, three months after her marriage.

Ignoring her that night was one of the hardest things I have had to do, but I knew any attention would only feed into the craziness.  Since then things have been quite.  I figured that she had finally got the message that when I said no contact, I meant it.  One final extinction burst before she disappeared for good.

How wrong I was.  Last Friday I was out with friends, as I have done every Friday for years now, and I received a call that came up "Restricted".  Call it intuition or call it knowing how someone works, but I instantly knew it was her.  I let it go to voice mail, no message left.  I wrote it off as something triggered her and she called.  She probably didn't even want to say anything, probably hoping that I was sitting at home on a Friday mourning the loss of her or something.  I even got this image of her sneaking off into some room while her husband watched TV or slept in their bed.

I left my phone in the car when I got home that night and when I retrieved it in the morning, there was another restricted call.  Throughout the weekend I received several more at random times.  Some of them very early or late, waking me up.  I ignored them.  Two more yesterday.

Finally, this morning, I had enough.  I answered, said hello and waited.  When there was no response I said, "(Her name) if you want to talk to me, then talk to me, like an adult.  Otherwise, please leave me alone." 

There was a tiny sound on the other end, this little whimper she does, and then the call ended.

I have her number blocked, but it's possible she has a new number now.  I thought about changing my own number, but since my business runs through my cell phone, all she would have to do is look at my business site to find what number I am using.  I now have the choice between inquiring around as to whether or not she has a new number from people that know both of us so that I can get the number to block it, or paying $25 extra a month to block any and all restricted numbers from calling me.  I figure I will just pay the extra money as I imagine if she hears I'm trying to get her new number it will only perpetuate all this crap with her.

Just needed to vent to some people who understand.  Most the people in my life don't seem to understand how bad it can be dealing with an ex who has BPD.  I am also now kicking myself for answering and even opening the door a tiny crack for her.  I let her push my buttons and it bothers me.

[willy45]

Good for you! My ex does the same thing but I don't always have the strength to ignore. That's awesome though that you did. This happens to me all the time and I'm 2 years out. 'Unkown' number sends me into panic mode now. Ignoring is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself.

[LoveLove]

My ex-bf has actually followed his therapists "no contact" rule for 3 1/2 weeks now and has made no attempt to contact me... . is that thus abnormal to BPD?

[RecycledNoMore]

Mr Fox!

Shes at it again aye... . the cycle continues...

I guess the stunt she pulled at the bar with her little friends wasnt the end.

You sound good Mr Fox,you are well aware of whats happening here,something has set her off and she NEEDs you attention...

You have come such a long way.You know the drill,block,ignore get on with your life.

[Red Sky]

Let out the frustrations to us, Mr Fox, not her!

LoveLove - my ex was in therapy and NC with almost all of her exes. I think that whilst in therapy she did get a lot better grasp on her impulsive tendencies - she was taught a lot of coping strategies for that sort of thing.

[MrFox]

Thank you everyone for your kind responses.  It feels good knowing that there are people out there get it, even though I wish no one ever had to go through any of this.

It's hard.  I still have that desire to talk to her.  I still miss the her she was when we were together.  I still miss the dream.  But, I'm finally accepting that's all that it was, a dream.

[LoveLove]

RedSky -

But with therapy and NC, do they come back stable or is there still ups and downs and going from person to person? Because if that's the case - not worth it!

[maternal]

Does your cell phone have a block feature built into the software of the phone?  I thought most of them did.

Maybe I'm wrong... . I use an iPhone and I can block all calls/messages/Facetime contact with any number and / or email address just with the click of a button, regardless of the person's carrier/phone model/brand, etc.  Don't other smartphones have this feature?

[LoveLove]

How do you block on an iPhone? Texts too or just calls?

[maternal]

How do you block on an iPhone? Texts too or just calls?

Go to settings, from here you can go into either messages, phone or facetime and add a number or contact to the block.  If you block in any one of them, it blocks all three, texts, calls and facetime.

[Red Sky]

RedSky -

But with therapy and NC, do they come back stable or is there still ups and downs and going from person to person? Because if that's the case - not worth it!

I have read it is possible to more or less recover from BPD with enough therapy. My ex certainly didn't though and she certainly had all the ups and downs, though she had coping strategies. She did lots of things like drawing on herself in red pen when she wanted to self harm. Given more therapy, I could envisage her becoming sufficiently aware of her tendencies that she would be able to kind of override them with logic but I think it would take a lot more work to actually stop the urges.

[MrFox]

Does your cell phone have a block feature built into the software of the phone?  I thought most of them did.

Maybe I'm wrong... . I use an iPhone and I can block all calls/messages/Facetime contact with any number and / or email address just with the click of a button, regardless of the person's carrier/phone model/brand, etc.  Don't other smartphones have this feature?

I can block on my phone and I have the number that she had when we were together blocked.  However, since its coming through restricted I'm unable to block whatever number she is using to contact me, since my phone never gets the number.