This is what my emotions did today. What did yours do? :-)

[BlondeRunner]

Hi all,

So this is what my emotions did today:

07.00 - 09.00: Woke up and felt a little low and depressed on my journey into work.

09.00 - 13.00: Felt sorry for my dBPDexbf - he's such a  lost person, desperately searching for happiness that he will never find. Overwhelmed with sympathy for him. He must be feeling dreadful and so alone... .

13.00 - 17.30: FUMING! Decided he is actually a manipulative little twerp who saw me coming and did everything he could to screw me over as a little game for him. (I ended up sitting in the toilet at work having an imaginary conversation with him and telling him to get lost)

17.30: Tears start to prick my eyes at the thought of never seeing him again. Fight the tears!

17.32: A rush of panic randomly sweeps over me - he will leave the city!

17.33: Calmed down- don't be so silly, he won't leave the city because of his job. Phew!

17.34: The jack*ss has found a replacement! I don't care that I have no evidence whatsoever but it MUST be that former flame he once mentioned from a while back. Why would he do this? She has big thighs!

17.35: No! He can't be seeing this girl as she is from a city 2 hours away. Silly me!

17.36: Why has he blocked me on certain apps/ sites but not others? Hmmmm, definitely intentional. No, maybe he hasn't noticed. I know! It's a game! He thinks he so smart but I'm onto him. Actually, there is no meaning in it... . or is there?

17.37: Checked my whatsapp. I'm still blocked. Hmmmm. That's it! I bet he unblocks me at night to see how much I'm using it. Right, I'm going to use it really late tonight so he thinks I'm messaging another man. That'll teach him! Mwah ha ha ha ha.

17.38: So what if he is with someone else? The poor girl will have done me a favour if he is. Screw him. She can deal with him only brushing his teeth once a day. (Then remembered I have an awesome dress to wear for my friends birthday on Saturday and make a mental note to tweet a photo of me in case he still checks my Twitter. Yeah! Show him what he is missing!)

17.39: Does he think about me? No, he's barely given me a second thought. He hates me. Despises me. He must hate my guts!

17.40: No, he is actually trying to figure out a way to come back. I must be in his every thought. I bet he expected me to contact him by now. Chump. Don't mess with me.

17.41: He better not dare come back! I'll absolutely go mental.

17.42: When will he come back? 8 months. (I bizarrely and randomly decide upon 8 months)

17.43: No, he is never coming back. Good. I'll just get over it... . and if he ever does by then I won't give a damn.

17.44: How dare he treat me like this? Who does the think he is? Urgh. Fine. I'll block HIM on Instagram.

17.45: No, that's a bad idea. I'll pretend I couldn't care less.

17.46: This is NC. Not silent treatment. I am definitely NOT contacting him... . devious little monster.

17.47: Poor guy, he has a serious mental illness. Maybe I should take the higher road here... .


... . and I consider myself relatively together? The above is comical! RINSE. LATHER. REPEAT. I don't know what the heck got into me today!

Anyone else do this?

BR X

[MrFox]

Been doing this most of the day actually.  I think it's pretty common for those of us on this board.  

After confronting the person who kept calling me from a restricted number (undoubtedly my exBPDgf) yesterday, I have been cycling between she is a poor, lost little girl who truly did love me and really did want a future with me but her BPD got in the way.  :)eep down she is the wonderful, loving, caring person she presented to me.  I feel for her and hope she someday gets the help she needs.

A moment later I think about how she cheated on me, how she lied to me repeatedly, how she kept guys on the back burner encase we didn't work out, how she embarked on a smear campaign to destroy my reputation after I refused to play her stupid games.  She is an awful human being and I really do hope she is suffering and continues to do so.  I hope that she cheats on my replacement (her now husband) and he catches her.  I hope it destroys him as well.  This man who smiled in my face and shook my hand, despite the fact that he was texting her about how much he loved her and how she would be better off with him, etc.

The reality lies somewhere between the two, she has so many good qualities and so many bad.  She did want a future with me and did love me as much as she was capable.  She is also a liar and serial adulteress.  She isn't happy with herself and therefore can never really be happy.  It is sad but it also not something I can fix, as she expected me to and I thought I could.  She is, at the core, an angry, scared little girl.  I feel for her but I will not allow myself to be used by her any longer.  Nor will I use her to get my co-dependent need to be needed met.

The truth is that WE, those of us on this board, need to let go of both the hate and the love we have for these people.  Both of those feelings keep us trapped.

[arjay]

Anyone else do this?

Yeah - All of Us 

[confused alot]

I too have been having a day like you Blonde Runner!

And have been since I received text messages from her dad's cell phone a couple of months ago, It was as if a huge wound was reopened; I don't know if they have some kind of foresight that they know we nons are finally detaching, it's like they poke the old wound to make sure you're still available . Everything you've mentioned sounds exactly the way I feel. I too was guilty of checking social media sights and that in itself was a terrible mistake. I seen her all happy with the next guy (recycled ex) but I know the darker side of her, though she smiles on the outside and looks sweet and innocent; deep down they are never happy with themselves. I've seen more selfies on her social media than I ever did in the two years I thought I knew her, ridiculously strange! The older they become I think the deeper they go into the abyss. Please do yourself the favor and be kind to you! Block, delete, remove, any social media profiles, no internet searches!

It helped that I threw away anything she ever gave me. I can agree with everyone who posted on this topic, and though I feel very angered and extremely hurt by her actions, I hope that one day she gets some serious help... .

[Dolly rocker]

I LOVE IT blonde runner!

So true and honest! We all have been there.

I couldn't put it better than u did! Soo honest and so comical!

Thank u hun for making me smile! I'm with you! X

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Confused alot.

Please do yourself the favor and be kind to you! Block, delete, remove, any social media profiles, no internet searches!

I'm actually super good in this respect. I haven't checked any of his social media - his Facebook (the one I'm not blocked on that is... . ), his Twitter, his Instagram. I absolutely don't go near them. I have resolve of steel when it comes to that.

Oh, and she's with a recycled ex? Well we all know how that is going to turn out... .

Been doing this most of the day actually.  I think it's pretty common for those of us on this board. 

After confronting the person who kept calling me from a restricted number (undoubtedly my exBPDgf) yesterday, I have been cycling between she is a poor, lost little girl who truly did love me and really did want a future with me but her BPD got in the way.  Deep down she is the wonderful, loving, caring person she presented to me.  I feel for her and hope she someday gets the help she needs.

A moment later I think about how she cheated on me, how she lied to me repeatedly, how she kept guys on the back burner encase we didn't work out, how she embarked on a smear campaign to destroy my reputation after I refused to play her stupid games.  She is an awful human being and I really do hope she is suffering and continues to do so.  I hope that she cheats on my replacement (her now husband) and he catches her.  I hope it destroys him as well.  This man who smiled in my face and shook my hand, despite the fact that he was texting her about how much he loved her and how she would be better off with him, etc.

The reality lies somewhere between the two, she has so many good qualities and so many bad.  She did want a future with me and did love me as much as she was capable.  She is also a liar and serial adulteress.  She isn't happy with herself and therefore can never really be happy.  It is sad but it also not something I can fix, as she expected me to and I thought I could.  She is, at the core, an angry, scared little girl.  I feel for her but I will not allow myself to be used by her any longer.  Nor will I use her to get my co-dependent need to be needed met.

The truth is that WE, those of us on this board, need to let go of both the hate and the love we have for these people.  Both of those feelings keep us trapped.

[BlondeRunner]

Sorry! The above posted before I could finish it which is why it looks a bit crazy!

The reality lies somewhere between the two, she has so many good qualities and so many bad.  She did want a future with me and did love me as much as she was capable.  She is also a liar and serial adulteress.  She isn't happy with herself and therefore can never really be happy. 

I agree. I think the reality is somewhere between the two and yes, I need to let go of the whole thing.

[JackBlacknBlue]

Funny, I was just thinking this morning of plotting my own crazy roller coaster ride of emotions.  I am guessing this is a taste of what it is like to suffer from BPD only their roller coaster ride is in the dark, much faster and potentially with greater highs and lows.  

yesterday morning  - god I was an idiot.  She is such a cunning, conniving manipulator.  How could I be so stupid to fall for the waif / victim persona only to be skewered later.

yesterday afternoon - she is really a victim of her disorder and as a compassionate human being, I should be patient and empathetic to her.  After all we had some great times.

yesterday evening  - I am done with that craziness.  it made my world so small and narrow and crazy.  I am free and can feel the world open up with new possibilities. I feel myself again-the strength that I hadn't felt in a long time.

this morning  -  I miss her.  Maybe I can have some sort of sustainable relationship with her that keeps me in the dark on her lies, rage, and drama.

later in the morning - damn her!  She doesn't subject other 'friends' to the craziness that I am subjected to because they haven't gotten too close to her fire.  She won't let them.  They see glimpses of it - the lies especially but not the level of rage and massive mood swings I see. I wish I could turn back time and have skated on the periphery, not getting too close.  it is too late.  Our emotional proximity has ruined possibility of a  relationship.  I will forever be a target of 'being painted black' and her splitting and I won't subject myself to that.

this afternoon - open whatsapp.  close it quickly and come to this site.

[confused alot]

Hi Confused alot.

Please do yourself the favor and be kind to you! Block, delete, remove, any social media profiles, no internet searches!

I'm actually super good in this respect. I haven't checked any of his social media - his Facebook (the one I'm not blocked on that is... . ), his Twitter, his Instagram. I absolutely don't go near them. I have resolve of steel when it comes to that.

That's fantastic, I wish I had your strength! Yes, its funny (not really ) when she and I first started dating they were together for three years, off for a couple, than back on for 3 more years (6 all together at the time I met her). Who knows how long she was cheating on me with him while we were supposedly together. I honestly think I was the other guy in her Triangulation, had I known she was like this, I would've never have gotten involved. So I agree with you, I think we know it's gonna turn out... .

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Dolly Rocker!

So true and honest! We all have been there.

I couldn't put it better than u did!

I'm glad I'm not the only one. Honestly, I was sitting on the train and I thought "My God, girl. Get a hold of yourself!"

[BlondeRunner]

Hi JackBlacknBlue

this afternoon - open whatsapp.  close it quickly and come to this site.

Wise move my friend. The way I'm feeling right now I'll be spending all night on here.

[Loujaye]

My BPDD20 and I have been nc since January. This is the first time. My first wedding anniversary is in 3 weeks and we are already in trouble because of the chaos dd brought to our lives this past year. My therapist wants me to put my feelings about dd aside and focus on rebuilding my relationship with h. I've been up and down about this all day. I'm still grieving the loss of my d. She hates me now and is blaming me , saying I'm the one who is sick and all I did was make her sicker than she really was.  I know I was too enmeshed in our relationship and didn't see damage beginning. I don't want to lose my marriage but it's so hard not to be able to express my feelings which change from hour to hour. I know she won't be back and will not live the life we all want for our children. I just don't know this person and don't know how to stop mourning the one who is gone. I have no one to talk to because this is something no one understands unless they're living it. I just don't know if I have the strength to be who my h needs me to be and find the love we had for each other before this all happened. I'm so confused by all the different feelings and am so overwhelmed. I don't know what to do.

[Xstaticaddict]

I've seen more selfies on her social media than I ever did in the two years I thought I knew her, ridiculously strange! The older they become I think the deeper they go into the abyss. Please do yourself the favor and be kind to you! Block, delete, remove, any social media profiles, no internet searches!

I second this! I had to tell people who were still her FB contacts to stop telling me how pathetic her selfie obsession had become, or all the man hating posts she is using to gain sympathy with. It was like as soon as i was dead to her out came the fishing lure with her pretty little face at the end saying please look at me. And they do.

[bruised]

She doesn't subject other 'friends' to the craziness that I am subjected to because they haven't gotten too close to her fire... .

I wish I could turn back time and have skated on the periphery, not getting too close.  it is too late.  Our emotional proximity has ruined possibility of a relationship.

That's my friend to a tee. She plays the waif beautifully and most people fall for it. I think I'm the only one of our mutual friends who has seen behind the mask. Beautiful on the outside- ugly on the inside.

If I could turn back time I would avoid meeting her in the first place.

[Red Sky]

I'm on my 13th day NC and day 2/3 up till about day 10 I was really calm. I think it was the relief of being out of a stressful situation.

NOT ANY MORE.

8am: wake up calm enough.

10am: check ex's Tumblr page. Have been doing this without reading the posts, because she is an Internet addict posting all the time and I can check she hasn't killed herself by looking at the time stamp on the last updated post. Realise that page has now not been updated in 36 hours, an unprecedented turn of events.

10.05am: panic. Wonder what has happened. Briefly consider contacting a mutual friend to check up on her.

10.06am: wonder if she is actually not posting to provoke me, because she knew I gauged her mood from her Tumblr posts. GET ANGRY. Wonder what other things she did to manipulate me and whether she did this to previous partners.

10.07am: step away from the computer and try to forget about it. Tell myself she's ok, she's probably gone on a trip.

11am: make a cup of tea and promptly pour the entire thing into my cleavage. Sustain horrible burns in very sensitive areas. Still refuse to cry. Check ex's Tumblr again then make another cup of tea to give me the energy to shuffle out to buy burn lotion.

11.45am: can't get the child-proof cap off of the burn lotion. Sit on the floor and howl like a two-year-old for half an hour. Check ex's Tumblr whilst crying.

12.15pm: find someone else to take the cap off of the burn lotion.

12.16pm: consider contacting her ex for more insight into this girl's behavior patterns.

12.17pm: discard this thought and replace with 'Red, you IDIOT. You are supposed to be moving on!'

Etc.

Over two days and no sign of activity on any website I can access anonymously. Need to stop checking, can't stop wondering, don't trust any of our mutual friends not to tell her I asked after her even though she is blocked on every communication method I have. GET OVER IT RED, YOU'RE NOT FINDING OUT.

Hugs to all others who have brains cycling round like washing machines.

[seeking balance]

Hi all,

Anyone else do this?

BR X

heck yeah - everyone on Leaving does this... . it is the circle of grief when you break it down.

bargaining, anger, depression, moment of acceptance, back to denial... .

This is what processing looks like - those tears, that is you are fighting - they are your key to slowing this flow down, let them go - get it out.

[Sadsue]

WOW I do exactly this all day every day!  So glad it's not just me, no wonder we are all exhausted !