How can I continue to care for her and love her when she abuses me?

[Torocat]

I have been away from these boards for a while because I was working on healing myself and trying to care for, yet keep distance from my hysterical, nosy, "concerned melancholy" 70 yo BPD mother. She lives an hour from me in a small town, so I've got to help her out with shopping, etc... Her health is bad too, and lately she has had another round of hospital visits, which placed me in close proximity to her for a month. When she was out I would visit, cook, clean, bring her food and always call her each day twice to see how she is. Luckily, her brother is her neighbor, so I can afford to not talk to her for a couple days while I try to gain my sanity back after she raged at me last night and accused me of trying to kill her with stress, then hung up. This guilt trip happened a week after a heart attack and congestive heart failure and pneumonia.

The stress I caused? She told me she told her mom she would visit in a month and needs me to go. I said I will but first needed to make sure all my clients were taken care of.  Her rage was because I said I have a tight schedule and can't take a week off unless I carefully plan it so I don't lose any clients. So now Torocat, the one who is always there for family and takes responsibility, is a steaming piece of camel dung ONCE AGAIN this week.

A little history. Mom was raised by a possibly BPD dad who made it very clear he preferred his sons to her. Her whole life she has tried to win his love, but to no avail. In the meantime I was just an annoyance (my brother the apple of her eye). I was a kid who needed a parent, especially after dad left us permanently. It was always all about her, her feelings, everything. If I screamed because brother was beating on me, I would be punished for making noise. Basically all of my needs went unmet, I witnessed and experienced violence in my home and had a sick relationship with my mother.  She was also a pothead (I mean, ALWAYS stoned), and when I was a teen, she became a tweaker. She had an affair with a married man who was molesting me and who had turned my on to drugs and cigarettes at age 13. Of course she was so in love with him, she totally disregarded me when I told her the truth about him. I used to spend weekends at he and his wife's home so I could get away from the drunken violence visited on mom every single weekend by her live in boyfriend, who she idealized. She has fond memories of him to this day and denied he hit her "that much" and feels I have no right to be bitter about that. He eventually had an affair with a neighbor lady and left her. So she started tweaking, and I left home at 17 because she lost our home because of her precious drugs. To this day she harasses me with questions about why I wasted my potential and didn't attend college.

Always in her life she had a dispute/drama going with someone, often her cousin, who was the only person who stepped up and tried to help me survive in this world. She could never maintain a relationship without becoming hated by that person. Eventually after she got clean, I re-entered her life, and helped her.  She always had other people who were "primary" to her, so I escaped much sickness, until she moved to N. California (closer to me) 4 years ago. I then became her primary relationship. Problem was, I am married and already have a primary relationship. A stable, happy one. She hates him (no reason), and since she found out about her inheritance, loves to goad me by saying how she'd hate it if my husband "enjoyed my father's money."

So, she does everything she can to diminish my husband, and that has caused unbearable stress and heartache to us. I could write a book about walking on eggshells but really every day I walk through a minefield, quietly, wondering from what direction the next explosion will come from.

She rages at everything, then plays martyr and victim because I try not to feed her illness. You literally can't tell her anything personal, she will use it against you. She specializes in destroying relationships, and I have to deal with her regularly because of her fragile health.  She  fights me every step of the way when I try to help her on health issues. Then I give up. When this happens she ends up in emergency. In the hospital she is mean as a snake to me, often trying to embarrass me in front of hospital staff.  She KNOWS I will not rage back at her when she is sick, and takes full advantage of that. Lately she has been provoking me, then accusing me of stressing her out, thereby making me responsible for her poor choices in life. I was doing great with medium chill for months, then she gets sick.

Question: How can I continue to care for her and love her when she abuses me? Twice I have driven her home from hospital stays in the last month.  On both occasions  I was happy she didn't die, and at the ame time sad thinking she never will die.

I am going crazy. HELP!

Torocat

[Louise7777]

Hi Torocat and Im sorry for your situation.

Im not sure I can help you, but I surely want to show you my sympathy. I have uBPD relatives (older than yours) and people have NO CLUE what they can do to family members... .

I completely understand you feel guilty and responsible for her somehow, because shes in poor health lately. Ill give you my perspective, not sure if this is the best... .

I use Medium Chill too and for me, that was the only way. It doesnt make the r/s a good one, but makes the situation bearable to me, when I cant escape meeting them (Im VLC/ NC with my uPD relatives).

Lets cut the losses: lets forget what happened in the past and focus on her behaviour today. Yes, shes frail. But still, she rages at you when you are helping her. Id make boundaries clearer: she rages/ yells or whatever, you leave. Dont respond, dont engage, dont defend yourself. Its very clear: behaviours have consequences. Either she becomes civil or she will find somebody else to help her. And believe me, they are very skilled at playing martyr. My uBPDs have entourages of slaves, I say they suffer from Marie Antoinette´s syndrome.

I know its easier said than done, but you shouldnt let her interfere in your family´s life (they love the divide and conquer). There´s always somebody she can pay to clean her home or buy her groceries. Its her choice.

One of my uBPD relatives tried to shame me in front of everybody who would listen to her. At some point I just didnt care. Who cares what others think anyway? A few figured it out, but most didnt and I dont care. I simply detached and dont do anything for her, she abused me verbally too much and Im not giving her more opportunities. She does it behind my back but Im fine, Im just out of her reach. She´s not my mom, so its probably easier than its for you, but maybe, at some point you should give her a warning, something like. "if you keep behaving like this, I´ll have to leave". And if she does, you just leave.

I hope I helped somehow... .

[Torocat]

It does help, Louise, just knowing there are others who understand. I have such a hard time letting go of the past, because our past is also our present. 

[Louise7777]

Certainly it is... . And teh constant "forget about the past, move on" is a line I heard from my uBPDs my whole life.

But I meant it in a different way, of course. We are different nowadays, we are empowered. I know you still feel weak near your mom, but you can change your perspective.

To me its very clear: if somebody disrespects me and I take it, why will they change? Thats why I put boundaries in place. And if I can, Im simply not available. Of course its not easy and takes practice, but it works over time.

I hope others can give you advice. Wish you the best.

[spots]

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a horrible, incredibly stressful situation. I want to second what Louise said - you need to set boundaries. If she rages or acts inappropriate, leave. She can get a cab or her brother to pick her up. When you give her no option but to behave, you might be surprised at how well-behaved she can be.

My sister is uBPD, in her 40s and living with my parents - raging every day and making their life a living hell. Yesterday they called the ambulance when she got very aggressive, and then the police also came. Guess who calmed down dramatically once the police came? She was still raging when the ambulance first came, but once the police arrived, she snapped back into line. I have a feeling your raging mother may behave the same way if you set boundaries and follow through with them. The latter is the most important - you must follow through. If you say, "Mother, I will leave you right now if you continue to misbehave" and she continues, then you must leave. She will know next time that she won't be able to get away with it.

I fear that you are not looking after yourself in all of this, so please make sure you do. Good luck.

[Torocat]

Spots, I feel for your parents. I am a little older than your sister, and couldn't imagine elderly people having to deal with someone like that.

As far as boundaries, I did lay them down. She is a very stubborn person. The problem with me lately is that I react and engage in discussion instead of cutting it off when I FIRST detect rage building in her. She traps me now, even a normal conversation can descend very very easily. At the present moment, I am being punished by her because somehow in her twisted brain, she believes me to be responsible for this tiff. I know her so well- she is stewing in what she said "you are trying to kill me" with stress, and she is hoping if she dies I will feel responsible. I can assure all I will not.

I am on day 2 of not talking to her, and I feel great. Sometimes this happens, and as soon as I feel total peace and life getting back to stress-free normality, she calls me. It takes her about a week to get back to normal, to bringing up people and topics which he knows angers me. So I get off the phone or limit conversations to the weather, if she needs anything, etc... I think somehow to her, not calling me will make me so grateful when she does call that I'll forget all about her unreasonable behavior.

Well off to work I go, cell phone powered OFF.

[P.F.Change]

In the hospital she is mean as a snake to me, often trying to embarrass me in front of hospital staff.  She KNOWS I will not rage back at her when she is sick, and takes full advantage of that.

Is rage the only possible consequence for mean behavior? What would it be like to say something like, "Mother, I will not be spoken to that way. If you continue, I will leave, and you will need to find someone else who will drive you home."

Question: How can I continue to care for her and love her when she abuses me? Twice I have driven her home from hospital stays in the last month.  On both occasions  I was happy she didn't die, and at the ame time sad thinking she never will die.

I think a lot of us have felt the same way. The up and down cycles can be just exhausting, and it's not wrong to want an end to all the drama. It's also not wrong to care about your mother and want her to be ok. Ambivalence like that is pretty normal in that situation.

Have you thought about what your boundaries are? You can still care about your mother and love her without accepting abusive treatment from her. In some cases, it may be more loving to allow someone to experience the natural consequences of their behavior rather than enable that behavior. These workshops might be helpful for you as you continue thinking through things:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

SELF AWARE: Are you supporting or enabling?

How are you willing to be treated? How will you take care of you?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[HappyChappy]

70 yo BPD mother. She lives an hour from me in a small town, so I've got to help her out with shopping, etc... Her health is bad too... .

... . I am going crazy. HELP!

Torocat I feal for you, it does sound very difficult, and  my BPD is an hour away so I see the draw. However, it's worth pointing out that your health is also important. BPD can be poison to our mental health - so does that make us the best carers ? Would employing a proffesional carer, or looking to see what the State can do be such a bad thing ?

Also, you have no obligation to anyone who treats you like that (in my view). Would the nurses in the Hostpial stay and take such rubbish? And they're proffesionals.  Don't let FOG

draw you in. Honour thie mother - but in order to qualify as a mother, I belive you should have made your child feel loved and safe (in my view).

P.F.Change also makes some good points.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Toro - you deserve the biggest hug on the planet for continuing to care long after you've been worn to a husk and a shell of a human being. 

We pay big for loving them - even when we know it is at great cost to our personal health and welfare.

Your mother's efforts to be noticed by a cold distant father - mine told stories like that too, where she was always the little shadow and would only be included happenstance.  When people do not bond as little children with their primary caregivers, I feel like it sets them up for huge deficits of empathy later on with their own children or friends or relatives.

The raging - and the early tremors where you know it's coming at you, and you are trying to save the situation - and it comes no matter what - reason and logic and working at addressing whatever their current complaint is never ever work.

My mother is gone now, wasn't in my life for the last decade anyway. Your description of how your mother weaves these assaults and dysfunction into a snare that traps you - I'm sorry you are living in such a minefield.

It really can turn into YOUR health becoming questionable. They are not aware on any level that they are ruining us. All they work at is surviving the next moment or two no matter the cost to us.

I wish you could find a way out.

Just wanted to let you know so many of us, as you can already see, deeply grasp what your life is like. In your real world, alot of people will be feeling sorry for her. They just don't see the monstrous behaviors or personally suffer from them.

I hope you can find a shield of indifference and detachment at some point. We were trained to always put them first, that's the thing, though. It is hard to undo a lifetime of scurrying around trying to find what they are screaming for.

Because they don't know either. They are as clueless as we are what will calm them or satiate their abyss of childlike pain and early abandonment.

Do one lovely thing for yourself today. No matter what - ONE lovely thing.   

[Torocat]

What an awesome reply lucyhoneychurch!    Especially the part about understanding why I put others first, because I was forced to since childhood. It is quite a shock to her when I say no and put my needs before her wants, and she really, really flips out.

I am not sure how long our estrangement will last.  We have not spoken for a week. She is clearly angry that I am asserting that I have a life and needs of my own. Any time I don't jump up and say YES YES I CAN instead of "Can you make your appt. for Tuesday?" she acts as if I am calling her a burden. Last er visit she asked my uncle to follow the ambulance to town  (at night w/ his cataracts), saying she didn't want to bother me, who was 5 minutes from the hospital. Martyr stuff. She's hoping people will think her daughter is cold and uncaring.

I don't what to say when she calls and I don't want to call her. I know she needs me to get meds for her, shop, etc... . When she calls, do I address the reason for our falling out? Tell her I don't understand her extreme reactions and that I'll take care of her physical needs but nothing else?  Do I continue my emotional disconnect, not discuss the issue and say "mom do you need me to get you anything for you and bring it down?"  "How's the weather?" 

[Torocat]

PFchange, I mis-worded when discussing raging. I don't normally rage at her. She has to push me pretty far for me to get angry, but I do defend myself and my husband, often. I have been told to not allow her to put me on the defensive, and I agree in theory. It's just really had not to respond when trapped in a car with her for an hour and she takes a swipe at him. When I mention that I have to work for a living, she attacks him for not supporting me financially.  When I say we are going fishing on our boat she attacks him for having a 21 foot boat when she thinks we only need a 14 foot boat. She attacks my friends, one who is a lesbian she suggests is after me (not true). She puts down my DOG! My sweet, kind, wonderful dog. Anything that makes me happy seems to anger her. Mothers are supposed to want their daughters to be happy.

[Torocat]

What an awesome reply lucyhoneychurch!    Especially the part about understanding why I put others first, because I was forced to since childhood. It is quite a shock to her when I say no and put my needs before her wants, and she really, really flips out.

I am not sure how long our estrangement will last.  We have not spoken for many days. She is clearly angry that I am asserting that I have a life and needs of my own. Any time I don't jump up and say YES YES I CAN instead of "Can you make your appt. for Tuesday?" she acts as if I am calling her a burden. Last er visit she asked my uncle to follow the ambulance to town  (at night w/ his cataracts), saying she didn't want to bother me, who was 5 minutes from the hospital. Martyr stuff. She's hoping people will think her daughter is cold and uncaring.

I don't what to say when she calls and I don't want to call her. I know she needs me to get meds for her, shop, etc... . When she calls, do I address the reason for our falling out? Tell her I don't understand her extreme reactions and that I'll take care of her physical needs but nothing else?  Do I continue my emotional disconnect, not discuss the issue and say "mom do you need me to get you anything for you and bring it down?"  "How's the weather?" 

[lucyhoneychurch]

When she calls, since you are still making an effort to help with meds, shopping - if you are capable, because helping in that way puts you in her physical space, I would avoid the reasons why you are remaining detached - just BE detached -

If you are handing her meds, groceries, and she starts up with you... . glance at your watch, cell phone, and gasp, "Wow, okay... . gotta run, have a good afternoon, I will call you the next time I am free for errands." and then GO.

If you spell out what's what, based on how I remember those efforts crashing and burning with mine, you are setting yourself up for self-righteous indignation and rants and rages whilst meanwhile being where she can get at you verbally, visually. Does that make sense?

It's like ... . if  you feel the need to explain, and I can see why... . I did too, then there might not be the same dynamics that allow you to help with errands.

Self-preservation, YOUR self-preservation, how do you construct that? How do you look out for yourself but help as well, if that is what you are compelled to do right now?

I had a reprieve of sorts from bad dreams, odd flashy memories storing some of these family things around my house... . it just never goes away. Honestly... . at this point in my life... . I wish I had NO recall at all, like I'd dropped from the sky, instead of these painful deeply implanted thoughts and fears.

You're a good person trying to do the right thing.

Be kind to yourself as well. What do YOU need to face each day and know that you have a right to some tranquility?



Edited to add and ask... . this visit to HER mother, if I got that right, in a month or so... . and she wants you to go... . that sounds like fireworks that would make the 4th of July just a black out  :'(

How would you cope with that? You sound so responsible about your clients... . and you are so willing to facilitate her needs being met... . but wow... . a trip to HER mother - how old is your grandmother? what are the dynamics there with your uBPD'd mother and her? 

[Ziggiddy]

oh dear oh dear. Torocat I feel for you    I can sense just how outraged and overwhelmed you must be feeling. You have had great replies by some pretty awesome people here and I agree so much with what's been said. i would emphasise the part about taking care of yourself and I would also add in this: the condition makes for a consistent undermining of self esteem for anyone who has to deal with it. Part of taking care of yourself includes building your self esteem. you know that as much care; as much as you throw into the chasm of your mother's needs it will never be enough to fill it - it may always be measured in the one thing you didn't give; the one thing you didn't do enough; the one thing you withheld. It is only yourself who can begin the walk down the path that says "I am WORTH being treated better." Whether she is capable of it or not, I don't know but this issue has really become about you now.

I would think about how you would like to be treated in a similar circumstance. How YOU would respond to the things you have done, the care you have taken; the love you have shown. In really seeing that gulf between what you DESERVE, and what you get you may begin to see ever clearer that you are worth so much more than that.

As long as our self esteem is linked to our mother's idea of us, we never really grasp our own identity - our own view of what we are worth.

Having said that, I am not very good of seeing myself differently than my mother taught me to see myself - which is absolutely wrapped up in her world!

Congratulations on taking a stand. Distance and time can give you a measure of levelheadedness and a place to make some space that is for you and not 'you-and-her' Me I have recently decided to go NC but I haven't the courage to never see or speak to my mum again (I have to face the fact that I am somehow wired to her) so I decided to have an internal type of NC. Maybe it's a form of setting boundaries but in the exchanges that I don't feel are worthwhile being involved in (the ones where I am treated poorly) I think "Nope. i'm NC in this" i either change the subject or suddenly need to get something from my car or the other room. She is confused and no doubt stewing and brewing but what-ho. that is not my problem.

HappyChappy pointed out that it is appropriate to honour one's mother and father. i would add in the balancing proverb that parents are required to "not be irritating their children" Obviously this does not give us a free pass to be hurtful but it sure as hell gives us a right to not be being constantly subject to irritating behaviour! best of luck with your plans and keep us updated on the progress

[P.F.Change]

It's just really had not to respond when trapped in a car with her for an hour and she takes a swipe at him.

I can see why that would bother you--and him! What would it be like to pull over and call a cab for her? It is your vehicle, your call who gets in and who stays in. You don't have to be trapped in a car with someone who hits.

What kind of boundaries do you think you need? Are those workshops helping any?