Her gaslighting is questioning my reality... how can I combat this?

[bobcat2014]

New to the board and BPD for that matter,

I have been married 20 years and only recently learned what BPD is and now understand my wifes has it.

I have been able to deal with most issues ok. But the rewriting of past events or gaslighting is getting to me. I only started to pick up on this about amonth ago, thus it prompted me to wonder is she had a stroke or head injury, as a result I learned about BPD. She actually told me that her affair was a mutually agreed seperation between her and I. I nearly fell to the floor, as we resolved this years ago via a marriage counsler. This event nearly killed me as I lost 40 pounds in 5 weeks and nearly got fired because I couldnt function. I remember it in great detail.

How can I handle this? Should I recall reality or let her make up her own version of

fantasy? This hurt me badly.

We are still together. She does not know she had BPD, but perhaps her therapist might. She hasnt been to therapy for 2 years now. She refuses to go back to her, maybe because she knows the truth? I just dont know anymore.

Thanks for any advise.

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[thicker skin]

I'd rather nail jelly to a tree, than try to get my partner to understand that his recollections don't match mine and are therefore, untrue... . They feel as invalidated as we do and the crazy train leaves the station, toot tooting as it goes. Silly stuff, you can write off as just a difference of opinion, but when it's been major issues that you've lived with and through, the denial can make you feel nuts... .

You know the truth. That's really all that matters. If you find things like this happening regularly, write a journal that you can refer back to. The effects of gaslighting are horrible.

It's my opinion that my partner did it to avoid any accountability. It was easier to rewrite history, than face the painful truth of his actions. If he hasn't got an excuse or can't blame me, he will say it didn't happen, period.

You aren't likely to change her mind. It is set. It helps her to live with her actions.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and 

This sort of reality shifting is tough. There are things for you to do:

• Believe your own reality and recollection. I've found that keeping a journal of the crap I was going through that I could refer back to and confirm my sanity and her lack of consistency was helpful to me.



• Accept that this is her method of coping with feelings that she can't handle directly. She may find better ways of coping... . or she may not.



• If she want to fight about this sort of thing, simply state that you won't have this argument with her and disengage.

There are also things NOT to do:

• Don't try to convince her that you are right and she is wrong. it will be invalidating for her, and has almost no chance of success. It just fuels the fire of her mental illness.

In addition, there is one thing you may do if you need to... . but think about whether it is needed or not:

• Simply and quietly tell her (once) your version of things sometimes. For example, that you did not agree to a separation when she had the affair.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi Bobcat,

If I may comment base on my own experience, at some point we start questioning ourselves and the version of reality. This is a sign of impending danger, like you it had affected me the same way. I wished I had seen it earlier. Recently I read an article that it's some subtle way of brainwashing, they do that to prisoners of war. Making them question their own beliefs and purpose. Take a self inventory what you value and believe, and try not to let anyone tell you otherwise or make you question yourself. If you are wrong you are, but what matters is that you believe in yourself because if you don't it will create more doubts later.

[bobcat2014]

I'd rather nail jelly to a tree, than try to get my partner to understand that his recollections don't match mine and are therefore, untrue... . They feel as invalidated as we do and the crazy train leaves the station, toot tooting as it goes. Silly stuff, you can write off as just a difference of opinion, but when it's been major issues that you've lived with and through, the denial can make you feel nuts... .

You know the truth. That's really all that matters. If you find things like this happening regularly, write a journal that you can refer back to. The effects of gaslighting are horrible.

It's my opinion that my partner did it to avoid any accountability. It was easier to rewrite history, than face the painful truth of his actions. If he hasn't got an excuse or can't blame me, he will say it didn't happen, period.

You aren't likely to change her mind. It is set. It helps her to live with her actions.

Thanks for the answers.

[Lights843]

That is textbook gaslighting.

To draw some parallels to your story so that you understand you're in the right place, my ex of almost 14 years also seemed like she got a head injury in the last four months of our relationship. It all happened so fast that I assumed she got a concussion or something. She looked confused, ashamed, her eyes began having the ten thousand yard stare and so on. I also lost 20 lbs when I realized she had cheated on me. Our relationship was incredible for 13 years and in less than a few months we were separated and she became an alcoholic and drug addict on top of her obvious BPD.

I made the toughest decision of my life and left her. Life has been very different but after two years I can honestly say I am happy knowing who I really am and that I always believed in my core values as a human being, a husband, and a man.

Only you know when the time is right to stay or go.

[formflier]

 

This is one of the reasons that i started recording conversations.

1.  To  protect me.

2.  So I can listen... . and remember accurately.


I have NOT tried to use a recording to "prove" my version of events.  Almost everyone on here says that is a very bad plan.

[formflier]

I am going through a similar... . but longer process of deciding. 

14-15 years of good.  Last 5 have been erratic... . but trending in bad way.  In last 6 months I have known about BPD and how to properly deal with it. 

Good news is... . she has gone to a T as of yesterday.  Praying this will finally get some traction. 

I'm glad you have found yourself again.  I know the feeling... . and I will say I'm still looking for myself... . but I know that "myself" is not part of the BPD crazyness. 

I also know that because of my kids... I'm going to have to figure out how to most effectively work with this... . whether I want to or not.

That is textbook gaslighting.

To draw some parallels to your story so that you understand you're in the right place, my ex of almost 14 years also seemed like she got a head injury in the last four months of our relationship. It all happened so fast that I assumed she got a concussion or something. She looked confused, ashamed, her eyes began having the ten thousand yard stare and so on. I also lost 20 lbs when I realized she had cheated on me. Our relationship was incredible for 13 years and in less than a few months we were separated and she became an alcoholic and drug addict on top of her obvious BPD.

I made the toughest decision of my life and left her. Life has been very different but after two years I can honestly say I am happy knowing who I really am and that I always believed in my core values as a human being, a husband, and a man.

Only you know when the time is right to stay or go.

[slimmiller]

New to the board and BPD for that matter,

I have been married 20 years and only recently learned what BPD is and now understand my wifes has it.

I have been able to deal with most issues ok. But the rewriting of past events or gaslighting is getting to me. I only started to pick up on this about amonth ago, thus it prompted me to wonder is she had a stroke or head injury, as a result I learned about BPD. She actually told me that her affair was a mutually agreed seperation between her and I. I nearly fell to the floor, as we resolved this years ago via a marriage counsler. This event nearly killed me as I lost 40 pounds in 5 weeks and nearly got fired because I couldnt function. I remember it in great detail.

How can I handle this? Should I recall reality or let her make up her own version of

fantasy? This hurt me badly.

You are not alone in being bewildered.  When my ex began sleeping with my replacement, she said I needed to sleep on the couch to give her 'space' while she figures some 'thing' out .

Long story short, my stepson (Her son) told his father later that she cheated on me and she came to me crying begging and pleading with one of the most fearful scared looks on her face asking, actually telling me, to tell him 'I did not cheat on you, we were seperated'. I was besides myself like who is this person and what is she talking about. ... .


To this day she swears she never cheated on me, we were seperated at the time.

While to a logical normal person there is no way to look at it that way, those with BPD have the ability to distort things like that if it dont fit. They distort things to fit the way they want things to be, even memories.

As my T said, you can not make logic out of an illogical mind

[thicker skin]

In her mind, you were separated... . She just neglected to tell you, or bargained with herself.

In your mind, she needed some space and were in separate beds for the duration.

Perhaps it would make you feel better if you set a boundary with her?

In future, if you are separated, that means the relationship is stated as over and separate addresses, not just beds are required. You will consider anything less an affair.

Make new fences and state your position, kindly.

[waverider]

"Gaslighting" is phrase coined after the movie of a sane but criminal mind deliberately causing another person to question their own sanity, for their own monetary gain.

pwBPd have a deluded sense of reality, although the action may seem like the above example of "gaslighting" it is not a correct description and can lead us down the wrong track of assumptions. What you have in this case is the "perpetrator", for want of a better term, having a faulty, or delusional version of reality. At the best it is a disregard for your reality other than what they want it to be. Often simply to validate their own feeling of the moment.

In short it is a sign of their own lack of reality. The effect may seem the same but the underlying reasons are entirely different. Without fully grasping the true reasoning behind this behavior, it is hard to isolate yourself from it.

The term "gaslighting" as a result is avoided by clinicians in mental health, as it carries with it inaccurate conotations

"Isolate" yourself from it is the preferred way to deal with it rather than "combat" it. In fact as a guide if you can avoid thinking about "combating" the effects of BPD you will make your life easier, as the disorder itself is often about drawing you into "combat'

[formflier]

Excellent explanation.  Thanks

I'm at a bit of a crossroads... . and my thinking is along the lines of what I can do to maximize "positive" family experiences and minimize the negative.

I like the way you explained isolate and don't combat. 

Maybe a bit of nuance I'm trying to think through is when you can't isolate... and you are faced with an alternate reality... . how do you let the pwBPD know that while on the one hand you don't agree with their reality... . you aren't going to fight over it either.

"Sorry you feel that way" seems to be one... . but that can get repetitive.

Another way of thinking... is that I don't want to validate the invalid (untruth)... . but I do want to let her know that I have empathy around her feelings.

Seems like a tricky tightrope. 

"Gaslighting" is phrase coined after the movie of a sane but criminal mind deliberately causing another person to question their own sanity, for their own monetary gain.

pwBPd have a deluded sense of reality, although the action may seem like the above example of "gaslighting" it is not a correct description and can lead us down the wrong track of assumptions. What you have in this case is the "perpetrator", for want of a better term, having a faulty, or delusional version of reality. At the best it is a disregard for your reality other than what they want it to be. Often simply to validate their own feeling of the moment.

In short it is a sign of their own lack of reality. The effect may seem the same but the underlying reasons are entirely different. Without fully grasping the true reasoning behind this behavior, it is hard to isolate yourself from it.

The term "gaslighting" as a result is avoided by clinicians in mental health, as it carries with it inaccurate conotations

"Isolate" yourself from it is the preferred way to deal with it rather than "combat" it. In fact as a guide if you can avoid thinking about "combating" the effects of BPD you will make your life easier, as the disorder itself is often about drawing you into "combat'

[Dog biscuit]

This topic reminds me of the strange things happening during the r/s with my ex. In the last few weeks before the b/u with my ex, he started to erase writings on a public profile we both shared. One writing was about how we met, and how happy he was feeling in the r/s. It was a very special writing to me, and he knew it, because I told him many times. I just noticed it was erased from the profile when I wanted to refer to it for some reason. It shocked me that it was gone, and I asked him what happend to the writing and why it was gone.

He acted like he didnt knew what I was talking about, and all the while I felt he knew precisly what I was talking about. He acted like he didnt knew what had happend to the writing. "was it gone? " "Was I sure?"What writing? " All the while knowing how significant and precious that writing was to me ( as he said it was to him when he wrote it) . After two days of discussing it, he said "Oh, I must have erased it, but I didnt know that it was important!"

He was lying straight trough his teeth, making me feel like the crazy sentimental one. ("Was it that important to you? " While he was the one who gave the writing his initial importance)   I consider this gaslighting. It was crazy stuff, wich I didnt understand at the time. Crazy crazy stuff. My whole gut was screaming that he and I knew he was lying! Bleghhh.

[formflier]

 It was crazy stuff, wich I didnt understand at the time. Crazy crazy stuff. My whole gut was screaming that he and I knew he was lying! Bleghhh.[/quote]
The mystery to me is that a lot of pwBPD seem to really believe what they are saying... . something of the feelings overcoming facts.

I can't understand how that happens... . but it does.

[waverider]

Validation is a good thing to learn, but think of it more as oiling the machine so it runs better. It stops things being worse than it needs to be, but is not a fix all. Likewise your interaction with a pwBPD should be helpful, but again you are not a fix all. When you get to the stage where you have done as much as you can, even if you feel that is not enough, then its time for boundaries and removing yourself from the interaction. They wont like this, but often even your presence in the interaction is keeping it going.

You do your best, then resign from the debate/argument/conflict. Leave them to self soothe. At the end of the day it is their issue and they have to learn to deal with it. You can help, but only up to a point.

The mystery to me is that a lot of pwBPD seem to really believe what they are saying... . something of the feelings overcoming facts.

I can't understand how that happens... . but it does.

Truth is we are not in their universe, we will never understand it, only recognize it for what it is and learn to work around it so that we are not negatively impacted by it. A lot of it is predictable.

How often do you feel incredibly stupid because you are surprised by what seems a crazy act, yet they have acted exactly like they have before? Its two different languages, sometimes are reactions are akin to speaking slower and louder expecting them to understand. Foreign words and thoughts are still unintelligible no matter how patiently spelt out