2 months from breakup, still dysfunctionally miss her.

[Jb101]

Been dating a little. Mostly shocking with me thinking at some point... . there's a good reason why this person is single. And the others... . I just miss the intensity of things. It was wildly passionate at times and we'd end up doing the craziest things which people would think are unhealthy or weird. She's no doubt moved on, but part of me wonders if I'll ever meet somebody who could be that much fun again... .

[AwakenedOne]

Hi JB,

There are girls out there who are fun who don't have BPD. Hell and fun mixed together adds up to no fun is the way I look at things. Seems like your taking things slow and thinking stuff out which is cool. You'll meet somebody bro that you click with again.

Peace,

AO

[Lights843]

Yes you will meet somebody more fun than your ex.

Imagine how dull life would be if you found somebody so easily? Give it time and play the field. The greatest thing about dating is learning more about yourself and growing as an individual so enjoy it while you can.

[Blimblam]

well, If your on this website and dating and its only been 2 months you sound like your doing pretty good.  My only advice would be to give yourself time to feel your feelings. 

[Narellan]

Yes JB I wonder the same thing. I loved that out of control intense spontaneous feeling.

I can't bare to think of dating again because I would just be missing him. I'm 48 and have never felt that way before. I felt like a teenager, but I didn't even feel that way as a teenager. I can't imagine having chemistry with someone " normal". That's pretty sad isn't it?

[Jb101]

Yes JB I wonder the same thing. I loved that out of control intense spontaneous feeling.

I can't bare to think of dating again because I would just be missing him. I'm 48 and have never felt that way before. I felt like a teenager, but I didn't even feel that way as a teenager. I can't imagine having chemistry with someone " normal". That's pretty sad isn't it?

Yep, that's exactly it, though the others are right too... .

We would do crazy stuff, have a big night, take the day off work and make love all day... . in our 30's... .

I try with the other people, and they're sometimes great. But not like this. It was like having a rare glimpse into a special world and having it torn away. (The drug addiction comparison is apt... . ) And now I want... . a successful professional, bombshell blond, amazing fun personality, loves to have a few drinks a let loose, sexaholic, emotionally vulnerable princess, who makes me feel amazing every time I rescue her... . except she'd rather I walked off a cliff than talked to her atm, let alone rescued her... .

She actually taunted me about it towards the end... 'you'll never meet somebody like this, even if I do have issues'... 'I was always too good for you' etc... .

[Red Sky]

The thing is, didn't the crazy highs come with crashing lows? I know that with an ex who made me feel this way, when things went well I got super happy because I was so relieved that I wasn't being mistreated. Every single time I had this hope that the cycle wasn't going to repeat itself. I sustained myself on the thought that I had finally changed him. And probably, subconsciously, I was clinging to the happiness because I knew it wouldn't last.

Maybe I'm young and naive and overly optimistic. But can you imagine trying to fully explain romantic love to, for example, a kid who's never experienced it? I can say that I have spent most of my life with my head in a book and if it was possible to understand love from someone else's descriptions and experiences, I would have known about it before I felt it. But when I first fell for someone, it was a totally new feeling I could never have imagined. And I still think (hope?) that when I fall for someone in the future, it will be a new experience which I just can't imagine now. Which is, in its own way, kind of exciting.

[BacknthSaddle]

We would do crazy stuff, have a big night, take the day off work and make love all day... . in our 30's... .

... . And now I want... . a successful professional, bombshell blond, amazing fun personality, loves to have a few drinks a let loose, sexaholic, emotionally vulnerable princess, who makes me feel amazing every time I rescue her... .

A lot of the discussion on this site focuses on turning our gaze inward and asking ourselves what it is about us that ended us up in these relationships.  It would not be possible to have a healthy relationship with the fantasy person described above.  (Indeed, few successful professionals call in sick to work in order to make love all day).  I think many of us (myself included) have the fantasy that we could take the person you described and, through force or our own personality and will, turn them into someone who could be all those things and simultaneously be reliable and faithful and giving and respectful. 

But of course it doesn't work. 

And here's the other thing: many, many people would run for the hills if they ever met anyone meeting your description.  Because they know that where it leads is inevitable, and they don't even want to think about going there. 

The goal for many of us, I would say, is not to find someone who makes us feel like our ex did during the good times. The goal is how to find joy and passion in a relationship with someone who is already complete, emotionally independent, doesn't need constant attachments to feel alive, doesn't need to be rescued.  I.e. is healthy.

This is a real challenge. I know for me it is.  It is the one on which I'm trying to focus. 

[jibber]

^ I agree with this last post.

I think being attracted to the intensity is exactly what got us into these relationships in the first place.

It's funny, i was talking to my mom on the phone two days ago and spoke with her about this. I said i still need some more time until i'm ready, but before trying to find somebody new, i will go back to therapy first. I feel like i need to address the things that made me feel attracted to the craziness of my past relationships, the intensity, the "hollywood movie drama", etc. I feel like if i don't do this, i will end up in a similar relationship again.

Attracted to crazy will get you crazy, but do we really want that? I think not, and i think that's why most of us ended up here on this site.

It's not her fault i stayed in an abusive relationship with her. It was my own decisions, and i need to find out why i made those decisions... . Why i felt attracted to the craziness. I feel it's a big chance for us all, but we'll have to work for it... . Nothing good has ever come easy, but the rewards will be a healthy relationship.

[BacknthSaddle]

I felt like a teenager, but I didn't even feel that way as a teenager. I can't imagine having chemistry with someone " normal". That's pretty sad isn't it?

Exactly jibber. Narellan, to this point: I felt like a teenager when I was a teenager, and it sucked. I couldn't wait for it to be over and was thankful when it was. I managed to go another 20 years without that kind of romantic turmoil, and then got sucked back into that s*** 2 years ago.

Point being: even teenagers don't like feeling like teenagers. If we are driven to feel that way, we have to find what is driving us there and try to fix it.

[BorisAcusio]

We would do crazy stuff, have a big night, take the day off work and make love all day... . in our 30's... .

I know what you mean. The boundariless fun paired with crazy lovemaking. Sex on the public beach, on the train watching Monty Python after smoking weed. Like teenagers in their late 30s.

We all know that it's only fun until the same lack of boundaries inflict you pain that you never imagined exist. Like others suggested, the hard part doesn't end with the detachment from your ex. As you gradually turn focus inward, new questions arise.

[Red Sky]

This is so Pollyanna-ish that I may well deserve to be slapped for saying it... . But... .

Maybe this is something to remember for future relationships. We all loved spontaneity. What's to say that you need them in your life to be spontaneous? You can do it yourself. It may not be the same because you're not likely to take it to destructive extremes but to me it's still an attitude that you could consciously apply to your life.

[jibber]

This is so Pollyanna-ish that I may well deserve to be slapped for saying it... . But... .

Maybe this is something to remember for future relationships. We all loved spontaneity. What's to say that you need them in your life to be spontaneous? You can do it yourself. It may not be the same because you're not likely to take it to destructive extremes but to me it's still an attitude that you could consciously apply to your life.

That's a nice perspective actually. I think it was you who posted the video about aspergers in your other thread. If you remember, i wrote about how i can identify myself a little in this. Which means i always have to overcome a little anxiety if i go "outside" by myself. I guess this is a reason for me why i tend to "latch on" to people in order to have it easier to put myself out there.

In hindsight, whenever i did something alone, doing a roadtrip, going on a holiday, going swimming in a river, hike up a mountain, etc... . It actually felt really empowering.

Guess i should not rely on "crutches" (other people) so much, and face my anxiety a little more often.

Thanks for this input RedSky, another good pointer for myself that i found in one of your posts... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jb101, In my experience, the BPD drama is draining after a while, though I understand that maybe you miss the aspect of your r/s.  Concur, RedSky, that the crazy highs come with crazy lows.  Having sex on the beach with a pwBPD is not worth it to me anymore, because the price was too high when I stayed in an abusive r/s.  Agree, BackintheSaddle, the goal is to find a healthy SO.

LuckyJim

[Chunk Palumbo]

The High is not worth the Low. These relationships can literally cost a Non his or her life. BPD relationships are like walking on a very thin ledge, very high up with someone alternating between pushing you off and pulling you back up.

[Blimblam]

The High is not worth the Low. These relationships can literally cost a Non his or her life. BPD relationships are like walking on a very thin ledge, very high up with someone alternating between pushing you off and pulling you back up.

I think I might print this out and put it on my bathroom mirror

[Arminius]

The sense of not finding that high again is terrible. But so is the price ... .

[Being whole]

Hi everyone.   

I just went through a breakup three months ago and it was the best and the worst of times.  We always said we were amazing 85% of the time.    It was the other 15% of emotional abuse and twisting words and using everything I ever said against me that were so painful.    Then we had the make up times where I believed things would change.  The good times were amazing (connection, sex all day, chemistry, just hanging out having fun).  Then my ex would become jealous of  my kids and abandon me because of it.     I still miss his touch in the mornings sometime.   We were together 18 months.   He split from me and broke off all contact.    I didn't believe it at first and I tried to contact but then he never wrote back.      Total splitting and I guess he is blaming me now.   We had a 1 hour conservation before the breakup and he was getting help for his trauma and abandonment issues.     He said he will never find anyone like me again bit that he needs a break to get healed.    That ok one deserves the emotional abuse.   He also wanted me to wait for him and not see others bit it's been months now with no contact.    I'm dating others and trying to keep the dysfunctional parts of the relationship in my mind so I can see clearly.   It's like a drug.  The intense feelings and closeness.     I'm also going to aca meetings to work on my own reasons that I put up with the bad for the good times.    I need some more support.   Others don't really understand     Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Being whole, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  Agree, others don't get it, but how could they?  BPD is so far off the radar as to what others have experienced in a r/s that they have difficulty relating, in my experience.  Working on your own issues, like why you put up with the negative aspects of your r/s, is a key to recovery, in my view.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[Artisan]

I'm a year out and can't even imagine dating. Made one effort a few months ago and it was an epic failure.

Its my opinion that dating so quickly after leaving a BPD relationship is a way of hiding ; a drug of a different sort.