How do you prepare yourself?

[Up In the Air]

My DH and I will be meeting with his uBPD mother and enabling father about a month from now. We have been NC/VLC for about 1.5 years. I am completely dreading this. I know where I stand and as far as I'm concerned I'd like to take a backseat to conversation, keeping what I say minimized and to the point. My intention is only to support my DH in a trial reconciliation for the healthiest relationship possible with his parents. I've already tried to be a part of the family and there's no place for me in it, so I won't be trying to 'mend' things, but focus on being polite and cordial.

My husband wants to call his mom out on all her bs, manipulation, lies, etc and we all know how that goes over. Ugh. Even though I've told him that you can't reason with someone irrational, he still wants to say his peace and I understand.

My question is how do you prepare yourself to confront/speak with your BP when you have had a break from communication? Do you go over your boundaries out loud or in your mind? Do you practice your responses to things that will likely be thrown in your face? I may be screaming on the inside with them, but I want to appear calm, rational, and unruffled. I don't want to be baited into an argument.

[Turkish]

Your sympathy and support are warranted, but this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I know you've probably had this conversation with him, but what does he expect? It's setting up confrontation with anger and aggression going in. Even a non wouldn't respond well to something like this, much less PD's people. This doesn't sound like reconciliation, but for an opportunity to beat them up on their behaviors, not matter how justified his feelings are.

Even going over the tools here like SET, they are not likely to work if your husband starts off JADE-ing them.

[Up In the Air]

Agreed.

I have had the conversation with him, but there are a lot of unspoken pressures with his immediate and extended family... . a wedding is coming up later this summer and I think he wants to 'reconcile' to make things more comfortable for everybody. He shared with me the other day that he feels a lot of it is on his shoulders - which I immediately told him that it was not all on his shoulders, that a lot of guilt he is feeling is false guilt, as we're in this situation because of his parents, not because of our behaviors.

My DH is diplomatic enough that he won't be screaming in their faces, but we all know how quickly things can escalate. Mostly, I think he wants to tell them why he decided to go NC in the first place and give them an opportunity to acknowledge the pain, hurt, rejection, etc he's felt (again, that won't happen for him). It's a train wreck waiting to happen, but I'm not in control of the brakes.

I asked him who he's doing this for and he said himself. I asked him if he expected anything and he said no. I just feel so helpless in this situation, but I almost feel like he needs to do it to (crossing my fingers) get through his mind that they have not changed, they're not interested in acknowledging any faults, much less apologize. I guess I should prepare for the worst, hope for the best?

[AsianSon]

I asked him who he's doing this for and he said himself. I asked him if he expected anything and he said no. I just feel so helpless in this situation, but I almost feel like he needs to do it to (crossing my fingers) get through his mind that they have not changed, they're not interested in acknowledging any faults, much less apologize. I guess I should prepare for the worst, hope for the best?

Your husband says he doesn't expect anything, so perhaps it will help you and him to go thru his reaction (and yours) if nothing (or something negative) happens. 

It is not fun for me to do this type of thing, and it might be viewed as a type of "walking on eggshells."  I view it as part of reviewing my boundaries and my reactions to how my BPDm might behave.  I have no control over her behavior or to change her or to get her to admit to anything. 

I can control my reactions, and sometimes I review/practice them ahead of time.  It seems to help me feel more prepared and reduce the buildup of anxiety as the interaction approaches. 

[Up In the Air]

Thank you, Asian Son. I don't think of it as walking on eggshells in anyway... . I do think it would make things easier to respond if I anticipated how they'd react based on previous encounters. I'm thinking the entire 10 hour car ride there I'll be going over all the tactics I've used in keeping my reaction calm and rational and zero in on non-aggressive/non-defensive words. The anxiety you mentioned is I think more of what I'm feeling right now and I'm sure it'll build as the time gets closer. I'll try some breathing exercises too!

[StarStruck]

Hi Up In The Air -

Feel for both of you good luck. I can understand why he wants to do this, what the drive is but it's worrying, I think he might get really hurt.

Perhaps he's preparing himself for this 'last blow out' and wants it in more of a controlled way 'this first meeting in ages' to be done in this fashion rather than at the wedding.

Maybe if it wasn't for this wedding he wanted have bothered. I totally get where he's coming from though... it's a lot to consider. It's the thougth that their may be embarassing stoney silence between you in front of others at the wedding. He's taking a narrow risk that meeting up is going to improve that but he may be worst off. If it wasn't for the wedding!

Side point my bro's wedding was an awful build up everyone was near I was  stuck in the middle between the Pd's and the step families but I did go ok, I busied myself floating around, the people that came off worse were the Pd's who kept themselves to themselves and looked very disengaged (think they were quiet because they knew that the word was out). Cowards really.

SS x

[Up In the Air]

Hi Starstruck,

Yep, I have a feeling it'll just be awful. I do think a lot of his motivation is the wedding... . to prepare us (and them in some sense too) for that day. His mom is the type to pretend that everything is fine, just like nothing happened. The first time he spoke to her (about a month ago) she invited herself to our house to visit not even a couple minutes into the conversation. There was no acknowledgment of any estrangement, nothing. So I have no doubt she'll pull that junk at the wedding too and any contact in between.

He called his mom today to set up the time to meet with them, though we haven't decided on where. She seems to be manipulating the situation already, insinuating that it will be 'fun' to see us and to 'catch up'. I wonder how surprised she'll be when she discovers that we're not the same doormats we used to be... .

[Louise7777]

My only advice would be Medium Chill, when necessary. I would be mute the whole time and let him say and deal with whatever happens. You will be there by his side, he is sure you are on his team, so no need to jump in and help (I believe).

We all know these confrontations never end well, but maybe he needs this last one to be 100% sure?

If possible, stay by his side in a silent cooperation and dont get involved.

[Up In the Air]

Louise7777, you read my mind! I've actually been thinking about medium chill, but remaining silent while he does his thing is even more appealing now that I think about it! The next month can't come and be over with soon enough!

[Louise7777]

LOL Up in the air! 

Medium Chill is the only thing that worked for me, so everytime I can, I suggest it.

I wont lie, sometimes I wasnt able to use it, I was ganged up by 5 people so I lost my cool at some point. I couldnt control it, but I knew I shouldnt engage. They somehow dragged me and I lost it (although I have to say I was no match to their yelling/ raging fit). But I was able to stand my ground. I wish I was not ruffled and I hope you wont, either.

This case above was something business related, not a familiy gathering. So, sometimes you just cant disengage completely. But in your particular case, since its your husband family Id just not get the bait... . Expect them to address you or attack you somehow, though.

[Torocat]

You can't practice responses for a knock down drag out.  You'll forget. You'll "rephrase."

You are correct. Your husband cannot reason with an irrational woman. My guess is that he needs to say his peace for his own sanity. He wants her to hear HIM for once. That won't happen with a BPD mom unless she faces her illness and commits to addressing it.

My suggestion to you is to be the adult, because no one else will be. Your husband will be the child who wants apologies for the abuse, and his mom will be the other child who is incapable of empathizing with him because her own emotional needs are so great. If your husband can't be disconnected emotionally, you will have to. Otherwise you will be referee. You will have to be the one who get up and says "we're leaving now" and walk out.  Otherwise you will get into a yelling match with her and your anger over how her abuse has affected him with flow over.

I sure wish I could take my own advice.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you all.

[Torocat]

You can't practice responses for an emotional confrontation.  You'll forget. You'll "rephrase."

You are correct. Your husband cannot reason with an irrational woman, but he needs to say his peace for his own sanity. He wants her to hear HIM for once. That won't happen with a BPD mom unless she faces her illness and commits to addressing it.

My suggestion to you is to be the adult, because no one else will be. Your husband will be the child who wants apologies for the abuse, and his mom will be the other child who is incapable of empathizing with him because her own emotional needs are so great. If your husband can't be disconnected emotionally, you will have to. Otherwise you will be referee. You will have to be the one who get up and says "we're leaving now" and walk out.  Otherwise you will get into a yelling match with her and your anger over how her abuse has affected him with flow over.

I sure wish I could take my own advice.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you all.

[Up In the Air]

Louise7777, yes! Totally expecting some kind of 'attack' whether it's a comment of something I 'lack' or something I 'did'... . I'm aware of one thing that she was offended by years ago and it's the only thing I can imagine she'll bring up. Already have that assertively covered in my mind. Hope the in the moment part goes smoothly. So glad you held your own with 5 people ganging up on you! It's SO HARD to not get baited.

Torocat, I'm definitely feeling the heaviness of the adult bit since we can most definitely count on his parents to be the children. The last thing I want is to play referee which is why being as prepared as I can to be unruffled is my goal. We'll see how I do! DH seems to be pretty in touch with what he wants to say and I think he'll recognize when she is not hearing him. I expect that he'll just end the conversation at that point. He wants to say it all, but he's tired of trying too. He's said he expects nothing, but I do think there's a part of him that would of course love any validation she would (but won't give). It'll be interesting.

My T has suggested that we walk in with exact terms in mind - if reconciliation happens and things go shockingly well - what the trial period would look like with phone calls, texts, emails everything - or the deal is off. Also having everything we want to talk about not only in mind, but if A happens, we do B. If F happens, we do Z. In other words, if he loses his cool and freaks out, I calmly interject and say 'we're leaving' and that ahead of time he agrees to it so we don't end up in the hour long yelling match. That way we present a united front and stay in control of ourselves as much as possible.

[Louise7777]

Oh Up in the air, dont take me wrong, in that 5 against 1 I lost it and yelled back. I had planned to remain calm, but people were acting like lunatics, so in the end I said Id take legal measures if that didnt come to an end. I should had said that right in the beggining and established some strong boundary. But they were very resourceful and had all staged and rehersed before I got there... So no matter how much I was prepared, I was ambushed.

Like Torocat, I wish I had applied my own advice... . I didnt have the "coldllessness" required, but thats what I should had done.

Im glad you have a T (I dont) and you have plenty of time to be prepared. Unfortunately, the only thing that worked for me was to DISENGAGE. They love drama and turmoil. Some of my uPDs have some sadistic traits, so you see their joy once they triggered you and you get out of balance... . Thats why showing yourself "cool and collected" is the best, even if you are boiling inside.

[Up In the Air]

Louise7777,

That must have been so hard for you! I can't imagine keeping my cool if five people ganged up on me, I know I wouldn't have! Confrontation is no fun especially with a PD. I've never really used medium chill before with my MIL. Mostly I have just remained silent during conversation and didn't respond to insults of hers, but it's been almost two years since I've used any of that and I'm feeling a bit out of practice. I hate feeling unprepared, but since I do feel a lot of 'nothing' for her, I'm hoping the medium chill will help - to put myself in that mindset for the entire interaction.

I'll let you guys know how it goes!

[StarStruck]

Up In the Air,

I wonder how surprised she'll be when she discovers that we're not the same doormats we used to be... .

I think this is wonderful... . that's the great bit worth thinking about. What an opportunity, when you think of it like this... . the very very very very best of luck Up In the Air

[Louise7777]

From my last "interaction" with this 5 sadistic uPDs, Id tell you that the best is not to plan or reherse. You win by NOT PLAYING their game.

Of course we feel its not fair (their accusations) and our first instinct is to defend ourselves. HUGE MISTAKE! In future interactions Ill just be there and choose my battles wisely: a good thing is to surprise them by asking them questions. Like "what makes you feel that?". I guess it depends on the situation, but generally they expect us to behave a certain way (to be outraged by injustice, to defend ourselves, to try to reach an agreement). So when we detach or merely say "ok, thats how YOU see it", they get surprised and see they dont get their "fix" from us.

I wish Im able to follow my own advice next time, its not that easy.