I think it is time for you to find a different way to respond to questions about marriage and children.
Your answer of "Not now, but I want to" doesn't seem to work for her. (And some female members here did think she had a point there.) "Not while you are this crazy" (paraphrased) has to be even worse for her.
Can you come up with a better answer? By 'better' I mean one that is more clear and concrete, which will help her understand when and why your "no" will become a "yes." To start thinking about it, consider these: "After we've gone (time period) with no verbal abuse." Or "Ask me after we've gone (time period) with no verbal abuse."
Her response of raging at you doesn't work for you.
I think you are letting her rage and abuse go too far when she wants to "talk" about it.
She has this empty emotional pit that she needs filled, and there is nothing I can say or do to fill that pit because the pit was created from her own baggage and shame. She screamed at me, accused me of controlling her and everything in the relationship, threatened me that she was going to leave, and screamed some more until I completely shut down and started crying and said "please quit screaming at me! It hurts!"
You stayed in this waaaay to long already. When she starts screaming, or starts accusing you of controlling her, it is time to disengage.
... . started crying uncontrollably and making statements about killing herself.
That is tough to handle. There have been times where I said that if she couldn't control herself (with self-injury or suicidal thoughts) I would call 9-1-1. A couple times I had the numbers in my phone ready to hit "send".
I want to have a rational and cooperative discussion about these issues with her.
Just because you WANT this doesn't mean she is capable of it. Yesterday she obviously wasn't. Doesn't matter how much you want it. As Mono No Aware said, Radical Acceptance, my friend.