6 Months NC (9-year relationship) The Pros & Cons.

[Chunk Palumbo]

I tried everything. Everything under the moon. And her and I've had something like 7 make-up/break ups.

Reiterating my story isn't important, but here are the Pros and Cons:

Pros:

1. Far lower levels of emotion-based stress.

2. Clearer, more logical thinking.

3. The knot in my stomach, when thinking of her or hearing her name, is gone.

4. Never seeing her again evokes no feeling.

5. Never speaking to her again evokes minimal feeling.

Cons:

1. Intermittent delusions of hypothetical, reconciling conversations between her and I.

2. Occasional rousing of anger when remembering why I detached. (usually follows #1).

3. Despite all my BPD knowledge, feeling as though I wasn't strong enough/mean enough to her.

4. Mild (very mild) guilt over the necessary evil of ignoring her attempts to re-engage*.

*Two texts in five months. "I was terrible. I'm sorry". "I guess you've changed your number".

It does get easier; the veterans of this board were right. But I'm not sure you I'll ever wholly (ie:100%) forgive.

[BacknthSaddle]

I tried everything. Everything under the moon. And her and I've had something like 7 make-up/break ups.

Reiterating my story isn't important, but here are the Pros and Cons:

Pros:

1. Far lower levels of emotion-based stress.

2. Clearer, more logical thinking.

3. The knot in my stomach, when thinking of her or hearing her name, is gone.

4. Never seeing her again evokes no feeling.

5. Never speaking to her again evokes minimal feeling.

Cons:

1. Intermittent delusions of hypothetical, reconciling conversations between her and I.

2. Occasional rousing of anger when remembering why I detached. (usually follows #1).

3. Despite all my BPD knowledge, feeling as though I wasn't strong enough/mean enough to her.

4. Mild (very mild) guilt over the necessary evil of ignoring her attempts to re-engage*.

*Two texts in five months. "I was terrible. I'm sorry". "I guess you've changed your number".

It does get easier; the veterans of this board were right. But I'm not sure you I'll ever wholly (ie:100%) forgive.

I think this list will help a lot of people.  I would argue that 1-3 on your "Cons" list would be true if you were NC or not.  Which would leave #4 as the only true con. 

[Chunk Palumbo]

I tried everything. Everything under the moon. And her and I've had something like 7 make-up/break ups.

Reiterating my story isn't important, but here are the Pros and Cons:

Pros:

1. Far lower levels of emotion-based stress.

2. Clearer, more logical thinking.

3. The knot in my stomach, when thinking of her or hearing her name, is gone.

4. Never seeing her again evokes no feeling.

5. Never speaking to her again evokes minimal feeling.

Cons:

1. Intermittent delusions of hypothetical, reconciling conversations between her and I.

2. Occasional rousing of anger when remembering why I detached. (usually follows #1).

3. Despite all my BPD knowledge, feeling as though I wasn't strong enough/mean enough to her.

4. Mild (very mild) guilt over the necessary evil of ignoring her attempts to re-engage*.

*Two texts in five months. "I was terrible. I'm sorry". "I guess you've changed your number".

It does get easier; the veterans of this board were right. But I'm not sure you I'll ever wholly (ie:100%) forgive.

I think this list will help a lot of people.  I would argue that 1-3 on your "Cons" list would be true if you were NC or not.  Which would leave #4 as the only true con. 

Bolded: absolutely, and to an even higher degree. I do not miss it.

It's not all tulips and rainbows, but the desire to remained intertwined with this person definitely dwindles. I didn't believe it could, but it can and does.

[Madison66]

Chunk,

I'm also 6 months out of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  Great pros/cons.  I just went the last three months without any attempted contacts by her and then she started up again in the last 10 days.  Your last statement "But I'm not sure you I'll ever wholly (ie:100%) forgive." - rings very true for me also.  The last two contact attempts were just crap and things I did fall for during the r/s and would have fallen for shortly after.  Absolutely not at this point.  We were not married and share no children together.  I don't trust her and will never trust her, and for that reason I choose to never have her as a part of my life again (friend, casual acquaintance, etc.).  Forgiveness was about forgiving myself.  I understand her issues and why she acted the way she did and treated me the way she did (the disorders).  Maybe that is a form of forgiveness, but I don't need to feel forgiveness towards her.  I'm healthy, detached and moving forward with my life.  What's left from that r/s is some well earned wisdom and continued self exploration and awareness.  Again, I personally don't need to feel forgiveness towards her for me to move forward to live, love, laugh and grow.

[myself]

Being around the same distance out, with half as long of a r/s, I'd add to the list of pros that I'm not being lied to, abused, or taken advantage of now. I'm also not a direct trigger for that loved one. Plus, less self-doubt.

[Chunk Palumbo]

Chunk,

The last two contact attempts were just crap and things I did fall for during the r/s and would have fallen for shortly after. . . . Forgiveness was about forgiving myself.  I understand her issues and why she acted the way she did and treated me the way she did (the disorders).  Maybe that is a form of forgiveness

Exactly the same as me. I'm telling you: if, at any time before I'd reached my absolute limit, she'd sent either of the aforementioned texts I quoted, I would've totally responded "Oh, baby. I miss you. I tried to stay away, but I miss you". Not happening this time.

As you said, it's trust. And what it comes down to is asking oneself: "Would I give a knife to someone who's stabbed me many times before?" No! They love sticking knives in you - get them out of your life! Don't trust them, don't associate with them.

On your idea of BPD-related forgiveness: I couldn't've explained it any clearer fashion. A personal understanding of the disorder is a form of partial forgiveness in itself. For me, that's also sufficient.

[Chunk Palumbo]

Being around the same distance out, with half as long of a r/s, I'd add to the list of pros that I'm not being lied to, abused, or taken advantage of now. I'm also not a direct trigger for that loved one. Plus, less self-doubt.

Good one! Doubt is lifted like a dark cloud from your brow. No more compulsive lying, trying to decipher the poop from the peanuts.

[Blimblam]

well if the feeling to intertwine dwindles I sure hope so! also how broken would you say you got?

I know the process of moving on is individual but the only person I know who talks about their BPD relationship is 2 years out nc and though he doesn't want her back he is still not healed.

[Chunk Palumbo]

well if the feeling to intertwine dwindles I sure hope so! also how broken would you say you got?

I know the process of moving on is individual but the only person I know who talks about their BPD relationship is 2 years out nc and though he doesn't want her back he is still not healed.

Thunderous anger and ravaging, flesh-eating anguish. Like electricity was burning through the veins of my body, and maggots were gnawing at the core of my soul.

I would say the healing process is akin to being cut with a very sharp sword, deep into the third layer of skin. It'll heal, but the skin will never look nor feel the same.

[Blimblam]

sounds awfull.

I know with me it felt like at some point my mind just snapped like PTSD panic anxiety attacks constantly.  So much invalidation and gaslighting that everything I would do became a trigger. Completely lost my sense of self basically just a shell with memories of a person I once was.