Medication for BPD question...

[Ceruleanblue]

My H recently let me go the his family doctor with him so I could discuss his behaviors. H rages, has extreme anger, lie, projects, BLAMES, is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and has been physically aggressive sometimes. I told his doctor this goes way back, and that H is now saying things he also said about his ex, but I'm not like her.

I think his family doctor must suspect BPD, because he gave him Abilify, which I've now read online is a common drug for BPD? H said the doctor said it was a mood stabilizer, and I don't remember him saying that, but I probably missed it. I did find online that it is an antipsychotic.

I was excited when I read online that this drug is given for BPD, and his doctor did say this was likely a mental health issue, because H has been in therapy for THREE years, and he has actually gotten worse. I think family doc was going to recommend a Psychiatric consult maybe, but H piped up and said he's been seeing his T for three years, and T is in the same group of doctors(although she is a psychologist).

My HUGE ISSUE, is that Hs T emailed his DOCTOR, I think because H doesn't want to be on medication, and his T is blaming me for much of this. I went with H to therapy this week, and in the past things went okay(we also did marital therapy with her), she seems now believe all Hs lies, was really harsh on me, even though I'm clearly being abused, and she knows this. I feel he has "fooled" her. She basically told me H had every right to just expect a "yes or no" answer from me on things, and I was like "seriously?"... . how is that not super controlling? I'm now being told how to answer, and what I can say to H, when H has already told me he "doesn't care about my feelings" and to "keep my opinions to myself"... . and now this crazy T is enabling H's controlling behaviors!

Why would his T email his doctor? Is his doctor likely to take him off the med? H is going to book a follow up with his family doc, and I plan on going. I felt his doctor believed me, and his T is just enabling, and believing his lies, and she doesn't know how my life with him is. And he was this way before me too. Advice appreciated. I felt we were getting somewhere FINALLY with the family doctor, and now his T might undo it.

He really needs to stop seeing this T, I feel. She is hurting our situation, not helping it. Some of the things she said yesterday were just craziness. I've had lots of therapy, but never had a session like that with any of them... .

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[MaybeSo]

Hi, I already responded to your similar post, but yes, Abilify is prescribed usually as a mood stabilizer and/or antipsychotic;  though sometimes  with a lower dose than with bipolar or psychosis when used for BPD and it can be helpful with some of the symptoms that go along with BPD and  PTSD symptoms.  (In my opinion borderline is a kind of PTSD.)

He's an adult, so ultimately this is all up to him. Taking medication is a personal decision.  There are usually side affects of varying degree with meds.  Some people just won't take meds!  Very frustrating but it happens. Med compliance is a big issue in mental health.  If he doesn't want to take meds he doesn't have to, regardless of what the doc or T says (barring extreme cases where a person has been committed or something.)

I certainly hope he does try a medication like Abilify, or Lamictal or even Lexapro, etc. He may really see and feel a positive difference from these kinds of meds.

Does the psychologist have a lot of experience/background working with BPD or trauma?  I hope so.  Externalization is just part of the symptoms, a skilled T would understand that partner dynamics can play a role in stress, of course, but in T the emphasis is on promoting better self care and self-managment, not finger pointing about partners or other people who the client finds stressful ad nauseum.  If you have BPD or PTSD…anyone you are close to is going to be experienced as a huge pain in the ass or even threatening. That's what if feels like to have these kinds of symptoms;  being close is incredibly triggering. Any decent T is fully aware that pwBPD complain and externalize A LOT about their partners, family, and life in general.  The T will validate the feeling without becoming attached or focused on the story. There will always be a story, ALWAYS.  A skilled T with a busy practice hears these stories ALL THE TIME!  They are the least likely person to get caught up in a story of relational drama, whose right, whose wrong, …they hear this stuff all the time! This is NOTHING new under the sun to a skilled therapists working with trauma or BPD.  They still have to validate the client and maintain a stance of unconditional positive regard and empathy, monitor for safety (pw with trauma tend to get in DV relationships and have more and more trauma).  Also, pwBPD often DO get themselves involved in relational dynamics that involve participation of two that isn't very functional or helpful for either person.  A skilled T isn't caught up in the story of blame, but it may look like it when they are validating their client or trying to teach something new. A skilled T is going to try to help the person become more functional, have better emotional management, better self-care, etc. If the partner comes into a session, I can see a T making suggestions about communication and how to avoid triggering or making things worse for you both…meaning, they will try to help the dynamic between two that isn't working well.

If you are interacting with a person with PTSD or BPD, a T may want to coach you about communication skills that can help keep things more calm with your partner.  Communication, including tone of voice and facial expression, can be VERY triggering to these folks, very triggering… they are on high alert for relational danger at all times, so someone with these symptoms will never be as easy to relate to as a typical person.  Maybe the T was trying to suggest responses that might work better with your H?  I know I've had to modify my communication style with my partner a lot over the years. I've had many skilled people on this board tell me that less is more when interacting with my partner.  I am an anxious-type person and I tend to get very, very wordy and I'm analytical.  This is not a good approach with my partner.  He gets overwhelmed and triggered.  It can help to keep things simple and be less wordy with these folks, for example, a simple yes or no might be a better response at times. Tone of voice is also really important.  No one can force you or make you do anything you don't want to do, but there are very clear styles of communication that can exacerbate symptoms.

Have you gone through the Tools on this site?  Have they helped at all?

People with serious mental health issues can be very reactive and very difficult to be around; they are NOT easy people to relate to.  They also offer a lot of positives, or none of us would be here. It's really important to protect yourself and make hard decisions that work for you and keep you safe and healthy.  If you are going downhill, feel you are in danger, or getting sick yourself, then you may need to take measures for even more distance from him and his behaviors, either emotionally or physically or both.  Even if only temporarily.  This is so tuff, I know, but this is the way it is with mental illness.

I am really glad you have your own therapist.  This is so important!  

Very best to you.  

[formflier]

  She basically told me H had every right to just expect a "yes or no" answer from me on things, and I was like "seriously?"... . how is that not super controlling? I'm now being told how to answer, and what I can say to H, when H has already told me he "doesn't care about my feelings" and to "keep my opinions to myself"... . and now this crazy T is enabling H's controlling behaviors!

Hey... . this is coming from my personal experience... . but I think you may need to give the T a break and follow the direction.  I have the same issue getting to a yes or no answer.  I tend to talk way to much and then sometime later get to the direct answer. 

Seems that uBPDw would like a yes or a  no... . and then the long rambling explanation. 

And... . last thing is I would recommend to base your actions on what you think is the right way for a healthy person to act... . do not consider a pwBPDs actions when deciding if what you are doing is correct. 

So... . any argument that says I should be able to say this... . because pwBPD did this... . probably not going to lead to right answer for what you should do.

[Ceruleanblue]

The T said a lot of things that session that made zero sense. What bothered me about the "yes or no" answer to my husband's question, was that T pretty much said, to only answer him that way, as in NO elaboration allowed. I can't live my life that way. Communication is too important to me, and back when we were dating, it was what drew me to him. Obviously, that was back when he wasn't showing me the "real" him. I mean, sometimes I could just give my husband a "yes or no", but in certain situations I want to talk over the issue. And I think he is going to want to enact this "yes or no" only policy, on things he wants total control over, and things I'm "not allowed" to have an opinion about.

I get that sometimes I just need to keep communication short so I don't set him off, but it can't be all the time. I can't spend my whole life never being able to communicate with him. I have learned to walk away when he rages, or just give up when he is dyregulated, because there is no talking sense to him then.

[formflier]

The T said a lot of things that session that made zero sense. What bothered me about the "yes or no" answer to my husband's question, was that T pretty much said, to only answer him that way, as in NO elaboration allowed. I can't live my life that way. Communication is too important to me, and back when we were dating, it was what drew me to him. Obviously, that was back when he wasn't showing me the "real" him. I mean, sometimes I could just give my husband a "yes or no", but in certain situations I want to talk over the issue. And I think he is going to want to enact this "yes or no" only policy, on things he wants total control over, and things I'm "not allowed" to have an opinion about.

I get that sometimes I just need to keep communication short so I don't set him off, but it can't be all the time. I can't spend my whole life never being able to communicate with him. I have learned to walk away when he rages, or just give up when he is dyregulated, because there is no talking sense to him then.

Hey... I'm going to stick with this for a bit... . not to say that I've solved it... . but I was in your shoes... . wanted to give long answers... . and I'm trying my best to change it.  Maybe set a time... . a few months... where you will go for yes or no.  That may make things a bit better... and allow for other communication.

That will also give you time to see "how bad" it really is to give short answers.  Ultimately we all have figure out our negotiables and our non-negotiables.  For me... . it was intervening in a whipping (check out some of my old posts for the full story).  I'm not saying this should be it for you... . but that is something that only you can develop.  And I think you should give yourself plenty of time to do that.

[MaybeSo]

The T said a lot of things that session that made zero sense. What bothered me about the "yes or no" answer to my husband's question, was that T pretty much said, to only answer him that way, as in NO elaboration allowed. I can't live my life that way. Communication is too important to me,

I hear you. Communication is important to me, too!

Here's a couple of things to consider.

First, you don't have to DO anything. No one can force you to do anything, really. This is all choice driven, including being in any relationship.  

The T is trying to suggest ways of interacting that may help de-escalate fight/flight/freeze responses in your H. And because his aggressive responses are understandably upsetting to you, too…the T is trying to help BOTH of you to be less likely to trigger each other in ways that are unhelpful and damaging.

There is no ALWAYS.  When I get frustrated, I start to hear and see things as all or nothing, and this may be happening a bit for you, too.  Certainly, there will be times when the mood or flow between you and H could accommodate something other than a yes or no response.  Nothing is always  all black or all white.  However…if your partner shows signs of dysregulation,  it's true, less is more.  That just makes sense, that is often true for many people, even if they do not have serious mental health issues.  

Communication is important, I value it, too.  If the person I'm talking to is deregulated, a lot of words are not communicating.  If it's not received, it's not communication. To my partner, it just feels like being peppered with shot gun spray. That's not communication.  If it's not being received accurately, or worse, it's being received as a painful attack that breaks connection…common sense would suggest it is wise to stop. A big part of communication has to do with being attuned to the receiver…are my words facilitating connection or breaking connection?

I've had a therapist  put her hand up in front of me and command me to STOP! Stop talking. Stop it.

Why?  Because, honestly, when I am anxious…I THINK I'm communicating because Im saying  a lot of words ... . but I'm really just going on automatic, and I'm just externalizing my anxiety and frustration and my own growing dysregulation with a lot of words. I've had to learn to STOP.  It doesn't feel good to have someone tell you to stop…I bristled and fought back at first, too. How dare she?   However, over time I had to step outside myself a bit and really see and hear myself from another person's point of view…and I KNOW when I am anxious I don't share well in communication.  If it's not helping, than I don't want to keep doing something that isn't helping, you know?    

Finally, many people with your H's symptoms never settle in with a therapist at all, they dip into therapy for a week or two and then stop. Or they are so untrusting that they never go to T at all!  Your H appears to have made a connection with the T because he's been with her a while. He's going to therapy. That's an important attachment!  That is GOOD for him and his healing. The T also reached out to consult with a prescribing physician when her client was prescribed a medication.  A lazy therapist wouldn't bother, and that's not good practice.  It is just good practice if you are a T, to consult with another doctor who is treating your client's symptoms.  

It's not all black and white. It's mixture... . There are some good things here and some questions here…but it's not all black or all white.

[formflier]

MaybeSo,

Excellent post... . thank you.  I see a lot of myself in the patterns that you go through with communication.

The T said a lot of things that session that made zero sense. What bothered me about the "yes or no" answer to my husband's question, was that T pretty much said, to only answer him that way, as in NO elaboration allowed. I can't live my life that way. Communication is too important to me,

I hear you. Communication is important to me, too!

Here's a couple of things to consider.

First, you don't have to DO anything. No one can force you to do anything, really. This is all choice driven, including being in any relationship. 

The T is trying to suggest ways of interacting that may help de-escalate fight/flight/freeze responses in your H. And because his aggressive responses are understandably upsetting to you, too…the T is trying to help BOTH of you to be less likely to trigger each other in ways that are unhelpful and damaging.

There is no ALWAYS.  When I get frustrated, I start to hear and see things as all or nothing, and this may be happening a bit for you, too.  Certainly, there will be times when the mood or flow between you and H could accommodate something other than a yes or no response.  Nothing is always  all black or all white.  However…if your partner shows signs of dysregulation,  it's true, less is more.  That just makes sense, that is often true for many people, even if they do not have serious mental health issues. 

Communication is important, I value it, too.  If the person I'm talking to is deregulated, a lot of words are not communicating.  If it's not received, it's not communication. To my partner, it just feels like being peppered with shot gun spray. That's not communication.  If it's not being received accurately, or worse, it's being received as a painful attack that breaks connection…common sense would suggest it is wise to stop. A big part of communication has to do with being attuned to the receiver…are my words facilitating connection or breaking connection?

I've had a therapist  put her hand up in front of me and command me to STOP! Stop talking. Stop it.

Why?  Because, honestly, when I am anxious…I THINK I'm communicating because Im saying  a lot of words ... . but I'm really just going on automatic, and I am not really communicating at all…. I'm just externalizing my anxiety and frustration and my own growing dysregulation via a lot of words. I've had to learn to STOP.  It doesn't feel good to have someone tell you to stop…I bristled and fought back at first, too. How dare she?   However, over time I had to step outside myself a bit and really see and hear myself from another person's point of view…and I KNOW when I am anxious get shrill.  And I know for a fact it doesn't always come across well to the receiver.  If it's not helping, than I don't want to keep doing something that isn't helping, you know?     

Finally, many people with your H's symptoms never settle in with a therapist at all, they dip into therapy for a week or two and then stop. Or they are so untrusting that they never go to T at all!  Your H appears to have made a connection with the T because he's been with her a while. He's going to therapy. That's an important attachment!  That is GOOD for him and his healing. The T also reached out to consult with a prescribing physician when her client was prescribed a medication.  A lazy therapist wouldn't bother, and that's not good practice.  It is just good practice if you are a T, to consult with another doctor who is treating your client's symptoms. 

It's not all black and white. It's mixture... . There are some good things here and some questions here…but it's not all black or all white.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I want my marriage to work, and I can "try" only giving him "yes or no" answers, but I can't see myself being happing doing that long term. The thing I got accused of giving him more than a yes or no answer, I ACTUALLY DID, give him a yes or no, but then I told him the one thing I'd being saying to his daughter if we meet with the therapist. I thought he'd want the heads up, and I thought it was better to tell him than to spring it on him(which never works good). The things I added, I would have brought up later anyway, and it would have set him off equally then, he just blamed it on "wanting only a yes or no". He got mad that I want to say ANYTHING that might upset his precious daughter, but he wants me to sit there and let her have at me. He seems to know lots of things she wants to rake me over the coals for, and he has told me in the past to "such it up and kiss his kids' ass". Not happening. I've taken far too much already. I've been the only one overlooking, trying to get past their mean behaviors, and they have a vendetta out of me.

Hopefully, I can keep only giving him the "yes or no" he says he wants, for now. But it's feeling like just another way of his to control me. So much of what he does is about control. I have the least amount of issue with being controlled(of all his behaviors), but this is a bit much even for me.

[formflier]

And it very well may be his way of controlling... but... .

If the T is suggesting it... . then I would give it your best shot for a period of time.  Say 3-4 months.  Keep a journal... focus on this issue.  Focus on the reactions.  Don't let him know you are journaling.

Then... . after the period of time get back with the T about this.

If you are doing things and they are NOT affecting his behavior... . then you should stop putting effort into that.

If it is affecting behavior... . then you can decide if the change in behavior is worth the dent in your happiness that it took to get that change.

Hey... I totally get that this is frustrating... . it's not fair... . it's not right... etc etc.

But... . if you are going to make a decision to stick around for a while... . please give it your best shot to follow the advice of the T and the advice on this board.  That way you can make a decision after you see what... . if any... improvements can be made.

Well, I want my marriage to work, and I can "try" only giving him "yes or no" answers, but I can't see myself being happing doing that long term. The thing I got accused of giving him more than a yes or no answer, I ACTUALLY DID, give him a yes or no, but then I told him the one thing I'd being saying to his daughter if we meet with the therapist. I thought he'd want the heads up, and I thought it was better to tell him than to spring it on him(which never works good). The things I added, I would have brought up later anyway, and it would have set him off equally then, he just blamed it on "wanting only a yes or no". He got mad that I want to say ANYTHING that might upset his precious daughter, but he wants me to sit there and let her have at me. He seems to know lots of things she wants to rake me over the coals for, and he has told me in the past to "such it up and kiss his kids' ass". Not happening. I've taken far too much already. I've been the only one overlooking, trying to get past their mean behaviors, and they have a vendetta out of me.

Hopefully, I can keep only giving him the "yes or no" he says he wants, for now. But it's feeling like just another way of his to control me. So much of what he does is about control. I have the least amount of issue with being controlled(of all his behaviors), but this is a bit much even for me.

[Ceruleanblue]

I may try it, but my issue is that this T has given so much BAD advice, stuff contrary to anything I read here, that I'm hesitant to try anything she says. She denies my husband has ANY "issues", and let's face it, BPD or not, all humans have something they could work on. I fully admit my issues, yet I feel I'm bearing all the burden of this. I'm willing to do the lion's share of the work, but I can't enact any change in HIM, and for this marriage to survive, he has to do his tiny fraction. He is escalating, and I fear that his next step is beating me. I won't stay for that. He's gotten aggressive in the past, and I fear the more I cave in to him, the more he expects.

Even the verbal assaults, and blame have gotten much worse. He now says things like "are you too dense to get it into your thick head", and similar things.

I can try doing what the T says, but I've done that in the past, and it actually makes my husband worse. I find that the more control I give him, the more control he wants. My gut tells me that I need to set some boundaries, and fast.

And it's now extended beyond just "give me a yes or no" but today he is parroting what his T said, "you should have stopped talking when you said such and such". Well, how am I supposed to know WHAT will set him off? I'm obviously trying to NEVER set him off. He takes exception to things perfectly normal people say. I feel his T is wrong, dead wrong, to say that I should only say "positive" things, and not anything my husband might not like. Like I even can predict what that will be, because I can't.

I'd rather take advice from this board or links from this board than his T, any day of the week. His T, is in total denial that he has any issues, and this is why I hesitate to take her counsel. He's gotten worse under her care. He started getting physical during the time he was seeing her, and I told her about it. I think she should have sent him to a Psychiatrist, she sure was pumped up about the idea for ME, but I'm not the one raging or physically assaulting people.

[MaybeSo]

Hi Ceruleanblue,

My gut tells me that I need to set some boundaries, and fast.

I am really sorry to hear this is escalating.  If your experience is that he's getting worse and may beat you, then you are correct, your safety is the priority and you may need to take action.  Leaving a dangerous place IS a boundary.  We all need to have boundaries, all the time…not just in an emergency or when it's gotten to the point where you feel physically in danger.   

Boundaries are always for you, and your own safety, both emotional and physical, and the steps YOU take to take care of yourself. They are for you, not him.  That's what boundaries are. If you are in danger, if you feel someone close to you is so ill that they may actually hurt you, then it makes sense to go to a safe distance, or get a plan together to exit safely as needed. Right?

If you aren't ready to leave, it's still a good idea to have a plan in place in case you all of a sudden DO need to leave.  Most communities have DV counselors that can work with you for free and help you create a safety plan.  Or you can discuss this with your own T.

Meanwhile, if he's that out of control that he is dangerous…then PLEASE proceed with caution.  Of course you want your marriage to work…but you have to deal with reality, not what you hope or wish were true. If he is dangerously on edge…I'd keep a very low profile if you won't/can't leave.  He has said he doesn't want your opinion and that he's very volatile and getting worse.

From your posts, I get the impression you feel certain there's no good that can come from his work with this therapist, and you see no evidence of anything you are doing that helps, if anything it's escalating.  What would a reasonable person do in your situation?  Do you think tying to get him to stop working with this T is going to be helpful? We can have INFLUENCE with a person who trusts you and whom you have a good connection with…but you are not describing a relationship right now where you have influence; he has told you he doesn't want your opinion, and you describe him as dangerous. What do you think would be a wise thing to do given the situation you describe?

You can't control this person, or any person….you can only control yourself.

My impression from your post right now is that he's impossible to talk to about even normal things because he's so volatile and potentially dangerous…so getting into a debate about his therapist (or anything) just doesn't seem like a good idea right now. Right?

Focus on what you have control over.

He started getting physical during the time he was seeing her, and I told her about it. I think she should have sent him to a Psychiatrist, she sure was pumped up about the idea for ME, but I'm not the one raging or physically assaulting people.

Therapists don't 'send' people anywhere…they make recommendations and referrals, they shine a light on options an possibilities, and they support self-determination. Adults decide what they will or won't do.

Do you need to get to safety or take steps to feel more safe? If so talk to your therapist about this asap. Take control of your safety.

Your own therapist can assist you in developing and acting on a safety plan if you feel it's needed.

I hear you do not like his therapist and didn't like her advice at the session and think she's no good.  Don't talk to her anymore if you don't like her! You don't have to talk to his therapist  That's in your control.

Do some things that make you feel good and is nurturing for you. Take control of doing things you like to do.

Do some meditation or relaxation exercises, see friends, go out and do things you like…anything that centers you and makes you feel more grounded and gives you a break from him and this dynamic between you two.  Take control of giving yourself a break from him.

[formflier]

There is another possibility of something going on here.

It's your husband's T.  I think I would leave it at that and stop communicating... . that is obviously something that is bothersome.

If there are strategies his T wants you to consider... . then I would think putting that in writing to you would be good.  That way it is not debatable what was said.

Sometimes when there is an individual therapist for one spouse... . and the other spouse is involved somewhat... . it can set up a trangle

Full disclosure:  I have heard some about this but don't really understand it.  However... . I think you should look into this and hopefully some more senior members can give advice here.

Last:  You can stop the triangle... . and you can stop being bothered by this T... .

What your husband chooses is up to him.

I may try it, but my issue is that this T has given so much BAD advice, stuff contrary to anything I read here, that I'm hesitant to try anything she says. She denies my husband has ANY "issues", and let's face it, BPD or not, all humans have something they could work on. I fully admit my issues, yet I feel I'm bearing all the burden of this. I'm willing to do the lion's share of the work, but I can't enact any change in HIM, and for this marriage to survive, he has to do his tiny fraction. He is escalating, and I fear that his next step is beating me. I won't stay for that. He's gotten aggressive in the past, and I fear the more I cave in to him, the more he expects.

Even the verbal assaults, and blame have gotten much worse. He now says things like "are you too dense to get it into your thick head", and similar things.

I can try doing what the T says, but I've done that in the past, and it actually makes my husband worse. I find that the more control I give him, the more control he wants. My gut tells me that I need to set some boundaries, and fast.

And it's now extended beyond just "give me a yes or no" but today he is parroting what his T said, "you should have stopped talking when you said such and such". Well, how am I supposed to know WHAT will set him off? I'm obviously trying to NEVER set him off. He takes exception to things perfectly normal people say. I feel his T is wrong, dead wrong, to say that I should only say "positive" things, and not anything my husband might not like. Like I even can predict what that will be, because I can't.

I'd rather take advice from this board or links from this board than his T, any day of the week. His T, is in total denial that he has any issues, and this is why I hesitate to take her counsel. He's gotten worse under her care. He started getting physical during the time he was seeing her, and I told her about it. I think she should have sent him to a Psychiatrist, she sure was pumped up about the idea for ME, but I'm not the one raging or physically assaulting people.

[sweetheart]

Hello Ceruleanblue,

I can hear the frustration and confusion in your posts. I can relate to a lot of your distress, my dBPDh has become seriously unwell this last year triggered initially by a house move. Our lives have been deeply affected by the impact of this disorder.

What I want to say is it has taken so much for me to just stop, step back and be quiet. I have always had to have answers, fix things, make people better, know exactly what is going on. I have wanted information,explanations, anything that helped quell the anxiety I felt in response to this disorder.

Maybeso posted about holding our own fears and accepting that in that moment, certainly when things are on the path toward a serious dysregulation that just holding onto what we might usually say can be very effective at helping deescalate a situation, or stop things getting worse. ( from experience this is one of the hardest things I have had to learn how to do) it just doesn't come naturally to me at all.

It has taken me years to own my part in some serious chaos that I have blamed all on my dBPDh. It has also become important for me to acknowledge that by refusing to do things differently, believing I know best because I don't have this disorder keeps me stuck, and also keeps my husband stuck. I have learnt that at the moment my dBPDh cannot cope even when not dysregulated with any negative information, nor can he process large amounts of information. I am learning to keep things short, simple and as upbeat as possible. It's not easy, and it's different from how things used to be between us, but for now I accept hat this is how things need to be between us.

Posting on this forum has been nothing short of amazing, but they don't pull any punches either.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I've already learned that I can't talk to him, dysregulated or not. When he does blow up, and it happens at least once daily, I try not to defend myself or say much of anything, but even that doesn't really work. What always happens it he'll get mad at something he perceives I've "said wrong" in our normal day to day conversation, and he'll blow up. I try to sit quietly, and let it blow over. It seems to happen a lot when we are in the car, or away from home too, it isn't just always at home anymore.

I do like to explain myself, or figure things out, but I'm way beyond trying to do that with him. It does set him off worse. I just got the book "The High Conflict Couple" that teaches the principles of DBT, so maybe that can help me in knowing how to deal with this.

I am tired of hiding from him, but I can't figure out a way to be around him and him not get set off. Hard as I try to not say anything he can misconstrue or think is "negative", he still does. I appreciate all the advice I've been given. I feel like I'm drowning and just need a life raft throw my direction... . I'll swim to get it.

[formflier]

Pick one limit at a time.  Think about it for a while.  Ask on here... . prepare... . then implement it.

Let that go for a few weeks... . repeat cycle.

This will take a long time... . but things can get better based on what you can choose.

Hang in there.

Yes, I've already learned that I can't talk to him, dysregulated or not. When he does blow up, and it happens at least once daily, I try not to defend myself or say much of anything, but even that doesn't really work. What always happens it he'll get mad at something he perceives I've "said wrong" in our normal day to day conversation, and he'll blow up. I try to sit quietly, and let it blow over. It seems to happen a lot when we are in the car, or away from home too, it isn't just always at home anymore.

I do like to explain myself, or figure things out, but I'm way beyond trying to do that with him. It does set him off worse. I just got the book "The High Conflict Couple" that teaches the principles of DBT, so maybe that can help me in knowing how to deal with this.

I am tired of hiding from him, but I can't figure out a way to be around him and him not get set off. Hard as I try to not say anything he can misconstrue or think is "negative", he still does. I appreciate all the advice I've been given. I feel like I'm drowning and just need a life raft throw my direction... . I'll swim to get it.