What Should I do?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Undiagnosed BPD gf has picked a ridiculous fight with me and has "ended" the relationship though texted me repeatedly afterwards to first say goodbye, then make sure I'm okay, then to accuse me of not taking good care of her, then to swear at me.

The tricky bit is: she is taking a diploma right now and warned me the stress would make her a terrible person during this time. The agreement that we had in the healthy moments was that for the period of her diploma I would follow-up with her and fix any fight that occurred, which up until this point I have.

But now she's abruptly ended the relationship saying she wants to be just friends. But then texting me abusively when I accept the breakup.

Any idea how to proceed? Should I call her and try to fix this based on the agreement that we hammered out for the period of her diploma program or should I just wait and let her cool down and contact me (which she likely will)?

Exhausting. Thanks... .

[barterbarter]

Undiagnosed BPD gf has picked a ridiculous fight with me and has "ended" the relationship though texted me repeatedly afterwards to first say goodbye, then make sure I'm okay, then to accuse me of not taking good care of her, then to swear at me.

The tricky bit is: she is taking a diploma right now and warned me the stress would make her a terrible person during this time. The agreement that we had in the healthy moments was that for the period of her diploma I would follow-up with her and fix any fight that occurred, which up until this point I have.

But now she's abruptly ended the relationship saying she wants to be just friends. But then texting me abusively when I accept the breakup.

Any idea how to proceed? Should I call her and try to fix this based on the agreement that we hammered out for the period of her diploma program or should I just wait and let her cool down and contact me (which she likely will)?

Exhausting. Thanks... .

[maribb]

Hi  barterbarter

My gBPD does that all the time under stress, and she have told me that what she really means is to know im there for her... . so I suggest, if you care, you should call her.

[barterbarter]

I did. Thanks. She told me that I'd ruined everything, that I'd demonstrated yesterday that I couldn't take care of her and she sobbed madly for 10-15 minutes before telling me there was nothing I could do.

I gather I am no longer a perfect love object? What to expect next?

[maribb]

Ask your self why did she get to that point to call your attention,  keep showing her that you are supportive, this state of her shall pass, texting or email may be better to express your feelings,and avoid conflict. Use validation above all

Be patience

[barterbarter]

Saw her today she picked another absurd fight. I was deeply annoyed and exasperated when she ran off and once she saw that in my eyes she texted me immediately to tell me she hated me then when I didn't respond called within 5 minutes to make sure we weren't breaking up.

A colder person than myself might really enjoy this. Maybe that's why she chose me because she knows I never would. This fear of abandonment is so central to everything she is. Sad, weird and humbling to realize I am just an extension of that.

[OutOfEgypt]

Dude... . it's a setup.  You were put in an impossible situation where she got you to agree to an "excuse".  :)o you really think it just happened that way?  No.  I've experienced that with my ex wife.  And of course, I was a jerk for not "understanding," in spite of the other 99 times out of 100 where I was "understanding" to the point of being indulgent of her tantrums and terrible treatment.  No real ownership of how awful her attitudes are.  None.

Flip things around... .  if you were under stress and were a complete #$ to people you claimed to love, how would you respond?  Would you blame and attack them for not being understanding?  No, of course not.  You would apologize and say something like, "I need to find a way to manage my stress better.  I think it is becaues of all my stress related to school, but I'm sorry because it is STILL not okay to treat you that way.  Please forgive me."  

That is typical BPD.  Everything in the relationship is expected to revolve around them and their needs and how you allegedly wounded their needs and didn't tend to them enough.  Blame, projection, lying, gaslighting, etc.  And they will use it to justify their rages, their lying, their cheating... . you name it.  It's "your fault."

She's going to keep doing it to you... . forever... . and it will probably get worse.  Sorry.