Letter to myself. 21 days NC

[zenwexler]

In light of 21 days NC I wanted to post an ongoing document I kept adding to every time I wanted to reach out. Like I mentioned before the longer I go NC the more i start to forget about  how truly sick she is. These are just little reminders

That she is incapable of maintaining a heathy relationship. This is just part one. I'll post part two for my 30 day NC!

She was chaotic. An irrational monster.  Mean rude. Abusive. You  Wanted to break up multiple times. Pushed me over the edge. Very immature. High stressed. Nagging. Complained. Negative. Pessimistic. Made me feel inadequate. Blamed me for all problems in her life. Never trusted me. Never listened to me. Made everything not fun.  Always sick. Miserable. Very thin. Would never eat. Inconsiderate. Bad energy. Never had fun with her. Extremely self centered self absorbed and narcissistic. Wanted to be treated like a princess.  Selfish. Only wanted her for sex. Without sex had no desire to see her. Fully admitted that she is crazy. And that she likes to fight. Said you just don't see yourself ending up with  a girl like her.  Past two boyfriends broke up with her and didn't look back and you were going to be the third. She was a freshman in college! She straight up

Wasn't nice. You didnt forget or just stop being Nice. She just sucked you dry. She wanted and wanted and wanted and never wanted to give back.  She was never satisfied. Favorite part was when she was asleep because she was quiet. She looks sickly. Admitted if we didn't start having sex we wouldn't have made it because she wasn't nice and very demanding. You didn't cherish her because there was nothing to really cherish. Couldn't really relate to her because she was so clueless and young she sucked the energy right out of you. She never cheered you up or built you up! You had multiple moments where you realized you just don't enjoy her company.  All the times you didn't feel like seeing Dan but then would see him and would have a great time. Never happened with her.  She refused to ever drive to you and she never had your back. Always minimized your problems. Very childish. When you were at your lowest and cried with Dan she thought you were disgusting and weird. Wasn't sympathetic at all.

You don't like her. You never really did. She hurt your ego.  It was always about the sex and companionship. You're lonely man. You want to find a girl. But you want a girl like Rosa. Intelligent. Full of life and lights up the entire room and makes you feel special. Like you can do anything   Yes you have your flaws but you are a kind compassionate person. You were not a monster when you were with her. You treated her to the best of your abilities 

[Xstaticaddict]

This is a really great idea Zen. I've been keeping a journal of similar feelings, but I think i'm going to try this first person format actually writing to myself as if i were a supportive friend. Thanks for the idea.

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for sharing zen.  You are doing the work.  I would like to offer an alternative option for the next 21 days.

What if, over the next 21 days, you write only about you, and what you are feeling?  I say this because I spent a long time thinking that I'd detach by focusing on my ex-girlfriend and why it would not work.   In retrospect, while necessary early on, it kept me stuck.   I kept circling the pain source because, oddly enough, I didn't want to let go -- I was defining myself by what I thought I lost, or gained.

I have journal entries now that look like this:

"Everyone who faces ruin in one way or another is stricken with grief."  I can hold this emotion of grief, and go through it.   It comes from within me.  It was not given to me by another person.   The only answers are within me.  I can reframe, reassess, challenge, reconsider, and let go.  This pain is sometimes unbearable.  I don't know what to do with it sometimes -- but I can hold it.  I can breathe through it.  I can accept it.  I consent to it -- because it's teaching me something about me.   It's awakening me from the FOG.