Trouble letting go of injustice

[OutOfEgypt]

I've posted before on a similar vein.  I'm struggling with letting go of my anger toward some of the really crappy situation I deal with that involve my uBPDexw.  I work with a T and it has been extremely helpful.  I would probably still be living like a slave under my uBPDexw regime if not for his help.  But I still struggle with feelings of intense anger that doesn't want to let go.  Namely, I feel angry and don't want to let go when it comes to things that are so unjust.

For example, I pay her both child and spousal support, and I struggle to make ends meet even though I have a very good job/career.  I came out with some benefits in the divorce (tax situation, house, etc.), but I still absolutely HATE that I am bled dry still by this woman.  I understand how she needs assistance to get herself going in a career and make a life for herself, but seriously... . it was not my fault she didn't work and was a waif/deadbeat who laid in bed for years and took advantage of all of my compassion and love and neglected the entire family but demanded total allegiance.  I finally had enough.  Anyway, I opted to settle the divorce (including the spousal support and custody agreement) because I overall felt it would minimize damage and conflict and cost, and I believe it has.  Plus, our children see things well enough for themselves, so battling for custody will likely not even be necessary within a few years.

But I could do much more for these kids if I was not paying her so much.  And she has the audacity to whine about how little money she has when I ask her for some money for gas or food when I am asked to take the children during her time (say, if she has to work or has a trip planned or something).  It's like... . she pays so little rent, staying with a family member, and she has her car paid off by me, so she only pays a tiny bit of rent, some food, gas for her car, and her cell phone.  There are probably other bills, but thats just because she is terrible with money and spends it all on stupid crap or clothes or sex toys or God knows what.

So, yes... . it bothers me greatly, though I had good reasons for opting to settle in this way, to know that I am struggling while she is partying... . with MY money.

How do I let go of this?  I try to tell myself to just accept it, but part of me sees it as an injustice that is not acceptable at all.  Thoughts?

[OutOfEgypt]

Actually, I realize that the real issue is that I'm beating myself up for "allowing" her to "take advantage" of me again, like "You are a wimp for letting her get away with that.  I can't believe you are letting her get away with it!"  It's really self-defeating.  It *is* unjust, but I have real reasons... . good reasons... . for letting things be as they are for now. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I felt a lot of anger towards my ex too, for a long time.  It was part of the process of detaching for me, that stuff has to come out, a whole lot better than stuffing it.  I also needed to realize that anger is a secondary emotion, and it's what's under it that needed to be dealt with; the anger was the outward projection of deep hurt, a sadness, a being betrayed, lied to, cheated on, disrespected.  I was in denial of all of that when I was in it, I got lost in it, wasn't aware of what my feelings really were until I left and gave it some time to process.  The good news?  Working through all of those stages has put me much more in tune with myself and my true wants and needs; I don't see myself ever putting up with that from someone else again.

Couldn't help thinking of a borderline's need to attach as I read your post; if she finds another victim to take that burden on, the spousal support could end, and your children will always be yours, even as the child support ends when they're 18.  It sounds like you think you made the right decisions that leave you with no regret, although it is difficult right now.

[talithacumi]

Actually, I realize that the real issue is that I'm beating myself up for "allowing" her to "take advantage" of me again, like "You are a wimp for letting her get away with that.  I can't believe you are letting her get away with it!"  It's really self-defeating.  It *is* unjust, but I have real reasons... . good reasons... . for letting things be as they are for now.  

Good insight, Out of Egypt ... .

It sounds like you made a lot of concessions to protect yourself and your kids by getting through your separation/divorce as quickly/painlessly as possible for everyone concerned. That's nothing to be ashamed of, or feel guilty about. It's an act of standing up for/taking care of, not only your own physical/emotional needs, but those of your children as well. No, it's definitely not fair that you felt threatened enough by your ex to have to stand up/take care of everyone/make those kind of concessions in the first place. But you didn't make the mistake so many of us have made about ignoring or dismissing that threat either out of some misguided sense of invincibility or bravado either. You know what your ex is capable of, and you weren't willing to take the risk of being subjected to that kind of abuse just to score ego points. Takes a much bigger man to do that, my friend, than you seem willing/able to give yourself credit for actually being right now.

So your ex ended up benefitting. So she got the financial support, and sense of power/control she needed in order to feel safe/secure enough not to need to hurt you or your kids anymore. Let her have it. It's nothing compared to the partner, family, home, life, and future she lost ... . or the integrity, safety, security, and promise of a better/brighter future you secured for yourself by doing what you did.

[OutOfEgypt]

Fromhealtoheal: Thank you.  So, basically I just need to continue working through things with my T and keep the goal in sight  Thank you for encouraging me that it continues to get better.  And yes, I'm pretty sure she already has a number of men lined up.  She's getting what she wants in the sex department, I'm certain.  So, now she just needs to find a dope with a lot of money.  I think she actually has her eye on someone -or he has her eye on her, at least.

Talithacumi:  Thank you, as well, for your words of encouragement.  I recognize your nickname as the words of Jesus.  You are right.  When I read what you wrote, it made me cry.  Nobody understands why someone would do what I did except for people like you and the rest of the folks on this board -people who have been through it.  Especially as a man, there is a desire to "put your foot down" and show what a man you are.  That has haunted me most of my life, but it is a lie.  It takes more courage to do what you think is best and stick to it for the sake of your kids and your own freedom, even if it isn't as "glorious".  Thank you, again.  And you are also right that I don't tend to give myself enough credit

[broken3]

Tell me about injustice... .

I pay for everything and have custody of the 3 kids.

And I still have to pay her APL (alimony). $600.00 per month.

Even though she has a teaching degree. And is intentionally underemployed.

The last master I went before imputed with me a full time job, and work my business, and take care of the house and 3 kids.

What am I ?

Superman?

I am now behind on my mortgage because of it.

[JackBlacknBlue]

I have trouble becoming at peace too. if it is any consolation in balancing the order of the universe, my upwBPD had to pay spousal support to her ex because of the emotional instability he now experiences due to 20 years of being in an emotionally abusive relationship.  I woke up angry because when they were going through the divorce, no one believed him and thought he was just being lazy in saying he wasn't able to work because he used to have a job years ago.  I now see clearly that he was not 'faking it'.  Unfortunately, he lost friends in the process as they sided with the BPD.  I woke up angry thinking about him and what he went through.  The spousal support is nothing in terms of compensation for the pain, abuse, and suffering he'll have to work through now.  Unfortunately, I don't know him well enough to reach out to him and let him know there are people who understand what he is going through.  I was going to send him a note with a link to this site and may still.

 

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi everyone,

It's bill-pay time, and yup... . I'm struggling with this, again.  Regular bills, car-service, problems with the washing machine, and plus it is summer-time so maybe I want to DO something fun with my girls?  All of that has me stretched more than thin, financially... . literally pay-check-to-pay-check, and it is stirring all of that resentment toward my ungrateful, selfish ex wife who has had the audacity to complain about money to me.  I'm just struggling a bit, today.  I know my T says that I need to "let her go" and that my bitter anger and revulsion have become ways to hang onto her, but when I realize all of the debt I carry and all of the financial burdens I carry because of this monstrous woman... . and how I STILL have to deal with it because I happened to be a good provider and her the ungrateful WAIF... . my blood boils and I seriously have a hard time concentrating.  I know I need to let it go... . it just... . I don't know.  It is wrong.

So, someone please remind me, again, how I somehow did the right thing in letting her get away with all of this crap just as a way to a) protect my kids by having a peaceful and quick divorce, and b) keep the kids' home, which I now live in and have them with me in 50% of the time (or more, when my ex works a lot), even though my ex gets to live in relative financial ease, in spite of how she retardedly tries to paint herself as a victim still. 

[Tausk]

Hang in there.  It's very hard.  I've been working on forgiving betrayal.  

But you have kids.  You have a defined meaning in life.  

"Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.”

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Depersonalize the Disorder.  It's not right, but the Disorder does not care.  So to help your children try and validate your feelings, which are justified, but respond in a manner of grace so that your children do not suffer any more that necessary.   You may wish to check on the Divorce board for more advice.  Boundaries are important as well. 

You are a good father and a brave man.  It sounds to me like your children are very lucky to have you.

[seeking balance]

Hi everyone,

It's bill-pay time, and yup... . I'm struggling with this, again.  Regular bills, car-service, problems with the washing machine, and plus it is summer-time so maybe I want to DO something fun with my girls?  All of that has me stretched more than thin, financially... . literally pay-check-to-pay-check, and it is stirring all of that resentment toward my ungrateful, selfish ex wife who has had the audacity to complain about money to me.  I'm just struggling a bit, today.  I know my T says that I need to "let her go" and that my bitter anger and revulsion have become ways to hang onto her, but when I realize all of the debt I carry and all of the financial burdens I carry because of this monstrous woman... . and how I STILL have to deal with it because I happened to be a good provider and her the ungrateful WAIF... . my blood boils and I seriously have a hard time concentrating.  I know I need to let it go... . it just... . I don't know.  It is wrong.

You are 100% right, it is not fair, not even close to fair.

In life, we can focus on what is unfair or we can use this to forge meaning, rebuild our identity and worth.  For a long time, I had a hard time around financials too - my shift came when I actively started writing a gratitude list... . it has changed my perspective entirely actually.

I recently saw a really good TED talk that outlines this concept quite well:

https://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are

I think letting go of being angry about "our perceived wrongs" is a process, not an event - the level to which the time takes is related to the depth or our suffering and our own spiritual & emotional growth. 

Maybe, just be ok for now that a couple times a month you will have this feeling and use the tools you are learning to let it go - it won't feel so frustrating forever, life does have a way of changing.

So, someone please remind me, again, how I somehow did the right thing in letting her get away with all of this crap just as a way to a) protect my kids by having a peaceful and quick divorce, and b) keep the kids' home, which I now live in and have them with me in 50% of the time (or more, when my ex works a lot), even though my ex gets to live in relative financial ease, in spite of how she retardedly tries to paint herself as a victim still. 

You are a good man and doing the best you can as a father.  You saved yourself money and time (thus providing stability for your kids) by keeping the divorce peaceful and quick.

Nothing is easy about this and is sounds like you are handling this with grace and strength - let yourself feel good about you.

Peace,

SB

[Madison66]

OutOfEgypt,

A couple things here I can relate to so I'll give you my take:

First, regarding the CS and SS payments I wasn't married to my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I was however married for 13 years prior to a non PD and divorced for going on five years.  I pay both CS and SS, have 50% legal custody and parenting time, and took over a house that I eventually sold for a loss.  My ex w went on to buy a nice home and lives pretty well, but would complain about $ or would say too much about $ to our daughter.  She's always been passive aggressive and I used to fall for her pitty traps and manipulating.  What helped me was to focus on the care of my daughter (validating that I'm doing the right things!) and to set clear boundaries (and be consistent) with my ex w regarding $.  I will share extracurricular expenses, but have stated their must be discussion prior or I may not cover it due to budget issues.  Also, I don't let her nickel and dime me over little stuff cuz I've pointed out to her in the past that I don't do that to her.  I know it is tough to deal with and I've been there.  It gets better with a different focus (on the kids care), boundaries and consistency.

The injustices that I had issues overcoming after the b/u of my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf were more mental scars and resentment I took from the r/s.  I know she had a string of replacements coming through within days of the b/u.  She continued to attempt to break n/c right up until a month ago.  And, I just resented the hell of her for the crud she put me through and then it seemed like I was the one having to heal and detach.  Lastly, I felt like I couldn't have any meaningful closure to the whole mess.

Well, I'm going on 7 months out of the r/s and I'm in a wonderfully healthy place.  Believe me, I still struggle with the feeling that vulnerability is connected to trauma.  I still have a hard time letting some things go.  Those are all things I continue to work on with the help of a great T.  I even found some closure through an attempted break of n/c by my ex gf.  Closure can happen when least expected.

I realize you can't go n/c with your ex due to sharing kids.  That is why I brought up the suggestion to really focus your energy and emotions on your kids.  You sound like a tremendous Dad who really cares!  That is flipping great!  You have every right to feel as you do.  I just think sometimes a "redirect" of the mind can help us all change focus.  Be the best you possibly can for your kids and co-parent effectively.  The ripple effect on your kid's lives will ultimately be your legacy.  Good luck!  It does get better!