Does living with a BPD give you PTSD ?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When I think about the scary experiences with my exBPD ; and when I talk about them , or think ... . or write them (like now)

My breath clenches, body shakes, stomach tightens, shoulders raise, face frowns ... .

This is 6 months after moving out.

When I've looked up the symptoms, its similar to PTSD.

I'm really starting to think that people who live with BPD end up suffering PTSD after a while because there is no chance to relax, its constant anxiety, stress, fighting and whacked out perspectives.

Am I the only one who feels this way ?

[Artisan]

When I think about the scary experiences with my exBPD ; and when I talk about them , or think ... . or write them (like now)

My breath clenches, body shakes, stomach tightens, shoulders raise, face frowns ... .

This is 6 months after moving out.

When I've looked up the symptoms, its similar to PTSD.

I'm really starting to think that people who live with BPD end up suffering PTSD after a while because there is no chance to relax, its constant anxiety, stress, fighting and whacked out perspectives.

Am I the only one who feels this way ?

[node4]

Yes it does. The thought of her, and the experience can cause all sorts of emotions or symptoms. The effect that they have on your emotional core as a person cannot be overstated.

[woodsposse]

Yes it does. The thought of her, and the experience can cause all sorts of emotions or symptoms. The effect that they have on your emotional core as a person cannot be overstated.

This is 100% correct. 

When I was with my (now) exwife, especially towards the last throws of our r/s (which lasted a few years), I was almost always in a constant state of alertness.  I hadn't realized it but my stress level was always at an all time high - and even after we split, just getting her on the phone or getting a text from her was enough to send me through the roof with nervous body everythings!

Even still today sometimes if I think about what we went through, I get physically ill and my stomach gets all tied up in knots.

So yes, there are symptoms which are like PTSD.  But depending on the severity of the relationship and management tools you can use to help detach emotionally and take care of yourself, the symptoms recede and you will and can eventually get back to a normal baseline. 

[Artisan]

Thank you.

I was trying to comprehend my stressful physical responses even though I am in a safe environment.

Are there any special ways to work through PTSD in regards to BPD ?

I've been reading the 'moving on' section of the message board, and haven't seen anything specific for how to deal with the physiological responses.

[woodsposse]

 

Great question.  I don't know if anyone else has any suggestions, but what I would suggest is that you just have to let yourself feel it - and call it what it is.  If you try and "fight it", it makes it worse - so if it happens, identify what it is, allow yourself to feel it and wash its way over and out.

It gets easier the next time and so on.  And sooner or later, if it happens will be far and few between.  And, trust me, one day - you won't feel it at all.  But that takes it's time so I wouldn't try and rush it.

[Artisan]

I feel overwhelmed by the emotions that swirl through me ; usually I'm angry and it would be an understatement to say that its challenging to sit and feel that and be at peace with it.

[woodsposse]

I feel overwhelmed by the emotions that swirl through me ; usually I'm angry and it would be an understatement to say that its challenging to sit and feel that and be at peace with it.

Oh I didn't mean to imply that sitting feeling with those emotions would be at peace with it. I'm just suggesting that you feel what you feel.  Mostly because it's normal and okay that those feelings come up from time to time.

It's kind of like trying to force yourself to go to sleep when you are wide awake at 2am.  I have found the best way to fall asleep is to not worry about trying to fall asleep.  Lay there and feel what is going on - and usually I'm out like a light soon after that.

Something like that... . but only different.nn

[Artisan]

It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

The other aspect is the ache of her absence, and the longing I feel for the amazing life I keep imagining we could have, and that somehow doesn't happen b/c of the emotional anarchy.

That is the worst.

[HappyChappy]

Artisan, there's loads of stuff on PTSD. Get hooked in. I also have PTSD and have improved greatly over time, by applying the technqiues that are available. Best of Luck.

[AlonelyOne]

I know that just in the past week or so, a huge huge burden of emotional stress has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm still stressed by the divorce, sad, break down and cry periodically. But that stress from constantly walking on egg shells in hopes of avoiding landmines is gone.

She's told me she's leaving. There is no saving the relationship. I no longer have to worry or care whether something upsets her or not. I am water... . she can hurl what she wants through me. I am not returning it, not defending myself, I am simply... . not engaging.

And the result is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I mean it is almost physical. My shoulders feel lighter. Probably from muscles finally relaxing.

[Artisan]

That is wonderful, I am very happy for you, though it is also a sad scenario.

Something that I've been able to use for PTSD and healing is being a musician, listening to music, yoga, and yoga nidra ... . helps with the deep emotional aspect.

[seeking balance]

Artisan,

I, too, had ptsd symptoms and my T was trained  in EMDR therapy that is specific treatment for PTSD ... . several people on these boards have gone this route.

Are you working with a T?

Best,

SB

[Artisan]

Balance,

I'm flat broke and can't afford one right. And though there are free therapists for women who have been abused, there is no such service for men in this area.

This board has become the only therapy I have right now.

Just being able to express myself, and to see the similarities in my emotional states and the confusion I feel is massive for me, it helps me understand.

The rest of my 'therapeutic' practices involved going into nature every day (climbing waterfalls is healing  ), play music every day, work on fulfilling projects every day, serve my family, practice yoga & meditation, I journal the feelings and experiences.

The healing is happening, I am just impatient with myself because I recognize that I am still healing and wish to be whole - faster.

Though, if it were a broken arm ... . it only heals as fast as it is able ; a broken heart is difficult to SEE and quantify.

~ Artisan

[Blimblam]

your not alone artisan I too am experiencing PTSD like symptoms from the abuse of my uBPD exgf.  It is a terrible feeling I completely understand.  I hope it goes away soon.  I have a thread in the leaving section with some good insights from forum members its worth checkin out.  Basically people have been saying it does go away over time. 

I am in a similar boat as you.  Having hope is the best I can do for now. Don't lose hope man!

[Artisan]

Keep the faith Blim!

Do you want to know something ironic ?

I'm a yoga instructor and teaching meditation and relaxation techniques ... . I even teach people how to work with PTSD ... .

Physician ... . heal thyself !

[DreamGirl]

What are the specific symptoms you're experiencing?

[Blimblam]

this may sound crude but I found masturbation and porn as probably the most effective thing to get my mind off of it.

[Artisan]

Blim > don't like porn ... . and I have zero sexual feelings. I'm actually wondering if I am capable of feeling sexual again.

I'm terrified of being sexual and intimate with a woman at this point, wondering when she'd turn into Ms. Hyde.

Seriously ... . I have ED ... . at 38 !

Dream >

Shortness of breath, rapid heart beat ... . at first, I used to have problems sleeping and would drink myself to sleep. Now, I am not drinking and sleep better.

My blood pressure raises, I can hear ringing in my ears.

My body starts shaking.

[peacebaby]

After living in an abusive domestic situation for almost a decade, I totally have PTSD symptoms. The worst one is reacting to people in authority as if they're her, or going to be like her.

Here's my tip on free therapy. Most of us have been verbally, emotionally, or physically abused by our partners. This means we quality for free counseling at anti-intimate partner violence centers. I'm seeing someone like that now, and it's wonderful. Full of validation of the constant trauma of living the way I did, and reinforcement that I'm in control of my future.

I totally suggest finding out about these services in one's area, whoever one might be.

[Blimblam]

After living in an abusive domestic situation for almost a decade, I totally have PTSD symptoms. The worst one is reacting to people in authority as if they're her, or going to be like her.

Here's my tip on free therapy. Most of us have been verbally, emotionally, or physically abused by our partners. This means we quality for free counseling at anti-intimate partner violence centers. I'm seeing someone like that now, and it's wonderful. Full of validation of the constant trauma of living the way I did, and reinforcement that I'm in control of my future.

I totally suggest finding out about these services in one's area, whoever one might be.

could you please be more specific I did a google search and found nothing.

[peacebaby]

I guess it depends on where you live, but most places have domestic violence hotlines/resources/enters, don't they? Is my world view tainted again from living in the big city? Searching on stuff like that doesn't give you any results?

[MammaMia]

Artisan

To heal from a traumatic relationship takes time.

Accept that your PTSD is caused by another person's mental illness, and you cannot change that fact.

Protect yourself.  Avoid ALL contact.  Block your ex on computers and phones, and NEVER seek information about them from anyone.  You need to emotionally disconnect in every way possible.  This requires real willpower, and it may even include shared friends.

Do whatever is necessary to find a place where you feel safe and nurtured.  Surround yourself with supportive people. Your physical and emotional safety must be secure BEFORE you can begin to heal.

To live in fear is no longer acceptable.  Take away the fear, and you take away the power.  Be strong.  You can do this.

[pilgrim]

I'm another one with PTSD after a long marriage to upbdxw ended.  Five years later I'm about to start treatment this week.  Time by itself wasn't enough to heal in my case.  Therapy was good, but I need it specifically PTSD-oriented.

Just wishing you the best.

p

[MammaMia]

Pilgrim

Congratulations on your decision to start PTSD therapy.  You will not be sorry.  There are better days ahead.

[Artisan]

When I consider how this has impacted my life, its really distressing.

I wish there were better resources for men to heal ; we are really neglected when it comes to being abused.

[pilgrim]

Artisan,

Maybe check out the book "no more mr. nice guy" and the author's website drglover.com.  I'm taking his online class "dating essentials for men" and the whole approach seems designed for the type of guys that are with borderline women.

p

[empathic]

I believe I have had a form of PTSD from the time when the kids were small, when it was extremely hard to deal with my uBPDw. I remember getting "double beats" from my heart quite often, and strong feelings of anxiety. It has gotten better after starting to take better care of myself, such as running a couple of times per week.

I still tense up when I hear a noise when trying to sleep and think it is her wanting to have another "late night talk". But it's like she's given up on those, maybe (hopefully) after me setting boundaries on not staying up all night having fruitless "discussions" anymore.

[MammaMia]

empathic

Do you also have gaps in your memory from stress?  This has happened to me.

[Artisan]

Thank you for the book advice ; the Mr Nice Guy syndrome is deadly, and as you've guessed, I do have some of those tendencies.

Although, now ... . I'm not so nice, I draw boundaries, I am assertive. It was part of what caused the problems with my ex.

I wasn't willing to lose my female friends because I was engaged ; however the constant screaming and false accusations wore me down and I just couldn't handle ... . yet another sleepless night because I simply had a different perspective and acted on it, while also communicating my truth and being open.

[talithacumi]

The long-term subtle devaluing, and constant drama certainly contributed - but, for me, it was the sudden (as in literally overnight), unexpected, completely out of character, and seemingly permanent splitting that occurred when I caught him cheating that last time and he decided to move out/end our relationship altogether rather than even try to face/talk to me about what was going on in person.

He was extremely angry, blamed me for "making" him have an affair and "ruining" his life. Emptied all of our bank accounts and told me he HOPED both I and our youngest son (17 at the time) would end up on the streets with no where to live because that's the least we "deserved" for having abused/treated him as badly as we did for so long. Told our business clients I'd run off to another state to be with whom I'd been having an affair for the last year, and STOLE the money they'd given me as deposits on work to be completed later that summer. Told one client I'd physically abused her children. Told family/friends he'd been both physically/emotionally battered by me for years and been too ashamed/afraid to tell anyone about it. And, god knows what he told my replacement, but I and two of our children - as well as an acquaintance on the periphery of our social circle - became the focus of a two year campaign of her near-constant harassment, vandalism, stalking, threats, false police reports, physical confrontations, and assaults that my ex routinely ignored, denied, dismissed, excused, rationalized, and justified - if not enabled, actively encouraged, was happy about/proud of, and/or directly participated in himself.

I ended up being unable to go out, or sleep out of fear of what might happen to me or my youngest son if I weren't watching. When I did go out, I suffered massive anxiety attacks about leaving my vehicle unattended - especially when I was with my son - out of fear of coming back to find the battery/rotor cap gone, the brake/fuel lines cut, the tires knifed, the windows broken, or the body keyed/painted/smeared with excrement AGAIN ... . THEN I would suffer another anxiety attack about going home because I was afraid of what I might find there as well.

I lived this way for over 18 months before I finally got my son into a place of his own where I felt he could be/stay safe, gave notice on the apartment we'd shared with my ex up until the time he (literally and figuratively) split, and relocated to another state before I felt safe enough myself to commit full-time to professional therapy and eventually go NC altogether.

With THAT on my plate, I figure it'll take me a couple more years yet before I'm even READY to start to deal with whatever PTSD I might be suffering as a result of LIVING WITH my ex.