Does anyone feel Numb?

[Chapter8]

My dBPDbf finds it so hard for us to be in any other persons company that it seems its becoming impossible to live a settled life when the thought of it causes so much chaos.

Its my birthday next weekend, he has organised his worst nightmare for it - me, him and all my friends and family and also his family. Neither of these people he is comfortable around - Im scared that this pressure, pain and anxiety he will get from this may tip him over the edge! Im worried that, as you may know, that everything seems fine and normal and even happy but when everyone has left the 'party' I then will become the devil because all that pressure, pain and anxiety was bursting to break free and now it can - on me!

Don't get me wrong, he is trying his hardest for me, he is trying to give me everything I need, he is trying so hard, almost too hard, as now he has to deal with absolutely everyone he fears around me! how can this go well? Im a very positive thinking person, but even this is hard for me to shake the negativity away!

Im hoping that if he gets through the next 5 days and the whole party without any episodes (he will be feeling extremely scared and emotional) then he will and should feel extremely proud, as will I for what he has achieved, as I know this is actually, literally his worst nightmare coming true.

This morning was hard, he woke up and immediately asked me to leave, called me absolutely disgusting names and became full of rage towards me, I left and went to sit outside and wait for him to calm down - he then cried for an hour about how sorry he is (which he genuinely is) and shaming himself for this and left on a positive note saying he WILL GET THROUGH THIS WEEK' for me! I know that this is possible but not without the episodes! SO he's set us up for a massive fall however, maybe something good will come out of this 'party' - or facing his demons may bring out the worst! I am annoyed in some way that he has done this, putting ourselves in this much unpredictably chaos! I pray to GOD that he can trust me and believe in my love for him to know that I am his!

I feel like I've become numb too when these episodes are happening - I think i believe its not me, I am not going to get lost in his words, accusations or paranoia - so thats made me numb, I don't resent him either, so many NON's write about how much they resent their BPD loved one when they stop their lives almost, I don't resent him for that, I can in totally understand why he doesn't want some people in our lives, but sometimes that isn't a choice, especially when there you're family! I want to feel something though, not bury my head in the sand, why am I not feeling anything towards these episodes? Is it because I know they are 'not real' as such (i know they are to him), I know they will blow over in minutes or hours, I know I can listen and be patient through it all (I never retaliate, ever, thats just not me) and this enables me to switch off (I've learned this through BPD techniques) - I am beginning to question myself as to why I don't feel angry, resentment, willing this to change now - its strange - its baffling me and I know I'm the only one that can answer to this, but wonder if anyone else felt numb through episodes?

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[an0ught]

Hi Bean84,

I am beginning to question myself as to why I don't feel angry, resentment, willing this to change now - its strange - its baffling me and I know I'm the only one that can answer to this, but wonder if anyone else felt numb through episodes?

can't tell you but it is a good an valid question. Generally it is not so healthy and helpful to hide your feelings from a relationship dynamic perspective - they are important feedback for everyone. I'm mentioning that as come people have learned hiding them for fear of invalidating the pwBPD. And yes there is a good chance that ones own emotions invalidate and trigger but they also serve an important function. Without feedback there is not reason for the pwBPD to stop escalating.

Not feeling your emotions much could be related to a number of causes

- It could be simply temporary exhaustion

- It could be fear

- It could be some form of dysregulation (overwhelming anxiety or other emotions)

- It could be a sign of depression (maybe you find time to go through this workshop: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0)

- ... . and more ... .

There is probably nobody on this board who has not at times felt overwhelmed and had their emotions confused. But then if this persists and you are worried it may be also a reason to consult with a professional.

Its my birthday next weekend, he has organised his worst nightmare for it - me, him and all my friends and family and also his family. Neither of these people he is comfortable around - Im scared that this pressure, pain and anxiety he will get from this may tip him over the edge! Im worried that, as you may know, that everything seems fine and normal and even happy but when everyone has left the 'party' I then will become the devil because all that pressure, pain and anxiety was bursting to break free and now it can - on me!

So he is trying hard - this is nice  . What can you do?

- Validate his effort

- Prepare mentally for validating disappointment

- Prepare mentally for a few truly valid achievements to celebrate

- Prepare a list of boundaries for yourself to deal with

  - mishaps (particularly how to avoid to invalidate him when something goes wrong)

  - aftermath when he is exhausted from the effort and the excitement wanes

There is not much else you can do. Most likely it goes reasonable as most of these affairs go but that won't stop him trying to turn it into a drama. The clearer and stronger you act the less he will get confused.

All the best for your birthday  

[Cloudy Days]

I feel like I've become numb too when these episodes are happening - I think i believe its not me, I am not going to get lost in his words, accusations or paranoia - so thats made me numb, I don't resent him either, so many NON's write about how much they resent their BPD loved one when they stop their lives almost, I don't resent him for that

Resentment comes when you put your all in one of these relationships and then it never changes and it never gets better, and most of the time usually gets worse. It's a slow building process that you probably haven't experienced yet. I have felt numb for a lot of the time when my husband is raging or calling me names because it was the only way I could get through it. If you take everything to heart you will have no heart left. The fact of the matter is, it has nothing to do with you. But it is still hurtful and it does take a toll on you. Numb usually isn't a good thing at least it hasn't been for me. It means that what I feel is too hurtful to feel so I shut it off, I do it a lot actually.

I think the best way to deal with one of these over the top situations is to plan for the worst. Don't put all your hopes and dreams into this day that it will be absolutely perfect. Expect things to go wrong because things do go wrong. But enjoy it for what it is, it's your birthday, don't expect anything and you will be pleasantly surprised when the day turns out to be ok. My husband has in the past gotten mad at me because he felt so much pressure to do something good for me for my birthday. I've never asked him for much, just a gesture and that gesture usually turns out to be wonderful. But it's the pressure about doing or buying the right thing in his mind that sort of drives him over the edge.