You, I can tell you, do not know how to make love. I

[Depression = 72% of members]

Some recycles were so quick that I didn't really consider that as recycles!

Example. Small verbal disagreement, resulting in her stating 'I don't want to be with you' and leaving the house. Retuns and pretends nothing happened, looks coy and says 'of course I didn't mean it'

Next level, verbal disagreement, states 'I don't  want to be with you' , packs a bag and stays at the local travelodge for a night, returns and makes up. Or, as on one occasion, returns as the hotel is full!

Then the first 'proper' breakup, when we had the opportunity to buy the house we rented. She bailed, saying 'I don't want to be with you... ' Moved out for three days, in which time I decided to buy the house alone anyway... . She returned and all seemed great, she wanted to them start to have joint savings for our future... . wanted to maybe buy a second property together as 'This one is yours, we should have one together'

Six months later she asks me to marry her, tells the world via facebook etc, and frequently thanks me for making the changes I needed to make ( that she told me I needed to make) and that she was happy.

One year later... . bam! Out of nowhere, two days before a holiday, and (now I think of it) a year since our 'engagement' she ends it. Then follows 4 months of pretending to fix it, coming to stay at weekends and dates in the week... .

I finally called time on it, and within 6 weeks she is in a new sexual relationship with a man almost 20 years older, a guy with an unusual lifestyle, transient worker, no 'stability'

Then come the horrible emails, the descriptions of the sex they have, the accusations that I never once 'made love' to her, only 'f---ed' her, how, and I quote:

'You, I can tell you, do not know how to make love. I'm involved with someone who makes me feel special, something you never did'

I'll never be able to forget reading those words, even though I know it isn't true.

[Arminius]

Some recycles were so quick that I didn't really consider that as recycles!

Example. Small verbal disagreement, resulting in her stating 'I don't want to be with you' and leaving the house. Retuns and pretends nothing happened, looks coy and says 'of course I didn't mean it'

Next level, verbal disagreement, states 'I don't  want to be with you' , packs a bag and stays at the local travelodge for a night, returns and makes up. Or, as on one occasion, returns as the hotel is full!

Then the first 'proper' breakup, when we had the opportunity to buy the house we rented. She bailed, saying 'I don't want to be with you... ' Moved out for three days, in which time I decided to buy the house alone anyway... . She returned and all seemed great, she wanted to them start to have joint savings for our future... . wanted to maybe buy a second property together as 'This one is yours, we should have one together'

Six months later she asks me to marry her, tells the world via facebook etc, and frequently thanks me for making the changes I needed to make ( that she told me I needed to make) and that she was happy.

One year later... . bam! Out of nowhere, two days before a holiday, and (now I think of it) a year since our 'engagement' she ends it. Then follows 4 months of pretending to fix it, coming to stay at weekends and dates in the week... .

I finally called time on it, and within 6 weeks she is in a new sexual relationship with a man almost 20 years older, a guy with an unusual lifestyle, transient worker, no 'stability'

Then come the horrible emails, the descriptions of the sex they have, the accusations that I never once 'made love' to her, only 'f---ed' her, how, and I quote:

'You, I can tell you, do not know how to make love. I'm involved with someone who makes me feel special, something you never did'

I'll never be able to forget reading those words, even though I know it isn't true.

[bruceli]

Then come the horrible emails, the descriptions of the sex they have, the accusations that I never once 'made love' to her, only 'f---ed' her, how, and I quote:

'You, I can tell you, do not know how to make love. I'm involved with someone who makes me feel special, something you never did'

I'll never be able to forget reading those words, even though I know it isn't true.

My pwPD has been doing this recently too, so, what I have done and am doing now is that I have also saved every email and text that stated that "I was the best ever."  and " have done things to me that no one has ever done" and I send them to her.  Of course there was some raging for a awhile, but that behavior has now stopped.

[Lion Fire]

Yeah, I've had similar.

Some of the things she said to me around intimacy completely broke my spirit. I was either amazing or a total failure and when she was in the splitting black mood she did not hold back at all. In detail she picked apart all of my faults and compared me with others. This is extreme abuse that no one should ever have to go through.

This is the hardest thing for me because she completely emasculated me with her dreadful words. Just being reminded of this makes me never want to have her any near my world ever again.

Thank you for sparking this memory. It will make my resolve to stay away from her even stronger.

[Arminius]

I posted it to give everyone strength, including me. I know I'm not a selfish lover, I have enough lovely memories of other lovely, normal people, but it still cut to the core at the time.

[Jb101]

Yeah, I've had similar.

Some of the things she said to me around intimacy completely broke my spirit. I was either amazing or a total failure and when she was in the splitting black mood she did not hold back at all. In detail she picked apart all of my faults and compared me with others. This is extreme abuse that no one should ever have to go through.

This is the hardest thing for me because she completely emasculated me with her dreadful words. Just being reminded of this makes me never want to have her any near my world ever again.

Thank you for sparking this memory. It will make my resolve to stay away from her even stronger.

Had very similar, and it caused me so many problems for a while. Nothing like a moment when you're trying to be intimate and they rip the ground out from under you and go off at you about the failings they've decided you have. Brutal and completely mind destroying at the time. Have to admit it now makes me very guarded with others at first in that sense, it's like there is a boundary line I'll never allow to be crossed again and I'm watching like a hawk in case anything goes in that direction...

[Tausk]

Then come the horrible emails, the descriptions of the sex they have, the accusations that I never once 'made love' to her, only 'f---ed' her, how, and I quote:

'You, I can tell you, do not know how to make love. I'm involved with someone who makes me feel special, something you never did'

I'll never be able to forget reading those words, even though I know it isn't true.

It's the black and white thinking.  A pwBPD has a very difficult time in thinking about her exes in terms of both good and bad.  When we are good we are all good, but if she is with someone else, it must be because the previous ex was all bad.

It's another piece of evidence that the Disorder is present in your interaction.  It's part of the reason why there is no closure possible either.  There is no common ground on what the interaction was based upon.  And in fact that basis is in constant flux depending on the emotional moods of our exes.

Is it necessary to stay in communication with you ex while she is with someone else?  :)o you have children together?  Can you establish boundaries here?  

I don't think that is healthy for me to hear about my exes sexual or emotional attachments with partners after me.

It hurts to hear how they honestly believe us to be terrible, but I do my best to detach because I know it's not personal, it's the Disorder.  And the Disorder always wins.  The truth is irrelevant.

In support

t

[antjs]

It's part of the reason why there is no closure possible either.  There is no common ground on what the interaction was based upon.  And in fact that basis is in constant flux depending on the emotional moods of our exes.

no common ground on what the interaction was based upon  thank you

[Arminius]

Then come the horrible emails, the descriptions of the sex they have, the accusations that I never once 'made love' to her, only 'f---ed' her, how, and I quote:

'You, I can tell you, do not know how to make love. I'm involved with someone who makes me feel special, something you never did'

I'll never be able to forget reading those words, even though I know it isn't true.

Is it necessary to stay in communication with you ex while she is with someone else?  :)o you have children together?  Can you establish boundaries here?  

No children involved.

After these hideous and graphic sexual disclosures, issued without even a hint or remorse or empathy, I realised that my allowing my ex to have access to my life in any way was doomed.

I went NC, I just didn't tell her.

After a couple of weeks, she the arrived at the mailbox outside the property and tried to gain access to the house, to see the dogs. When she found her key didn't work, she unravelled, tried to break in, messaged me TELLING me she was breaking  in and that I should call the cops!

She didn't get in. But she did return to the house 5 hours later when she knew I'd be coming home firm work ( actually, she drive around the road for an hour before my arrival, neighbourhood people told me) and block my access. I drove off and she followed me for miles before giving up.

I wnet home and she arrived again, this time blocking my drive so I couldn't park and sending a text to say she'd wait all the time it took.

I drive off, and after 20 mins she does too.

I finally get in to my house and she arrived on the drive, starts hollering through the door like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. More obscenities and more criticism aof me as a man, a human, and an entity.

I had to get law enforcement involved and she was dealt with the next day and given a notice for harassment but not before she tried to charm the (lady) cop with compliments, laughter then tears... .

Since then, she's found reasons to reach out to my closest friends, trying to get them involved, trying to sell them her vehicle at an inflated price, trying to elicit sympathy .

The level of unravelling has surprised me but I thank her for it. I can finally see WHAT she is. Now she isn't reflecting me, she's a nasty piece of work. Nice looking but nasty.

[Tausk]

Then come the horrible emails, the descriptions of the sex they have, the accusations that I never once 'made love' to her, only 'f---ed' her, how, and I quote:

'You, I can tell you, do not know how to make love. I'm involved with someone who makes me feel special, something you never did'

I'll never be able to forget reading those words, even though I know it isn't true.

Is it necessary to stay in communication with you ex while she is with someone else?  :)o you have children together?  Can you establish boundaries here?  

No children involved.

After these hideous and graphic sexual disclosures, issued without even a hint or remorse or empathy, I realised that my allowing my ex to have access to my life in any way was doomed.

I went NC, I just didn't tell her.

After a couple of weeks, she the arrived at the mailbox outside the property and tried to gain access to the house, to see the dogs. When she found her key didn't work, she unravelled, tried to break in, messaged me TELLING me she was breaking  in and that I should call the cops!

She didn't get in. But she did return to the house 5 hours later when she knew I'd be coming home firm work ( actually, she drive around the road for an hour before my arrival, neighbourhood people told me) and block my access. I drove off and she followed me for miles before giving up.

I wnet home and she arrived again, this time blocking my drive so I couldn't park and sending a text to say she'd wait all the time it took.

I drive off, and after 20 mins she does too.

I finally get in to my house and she arrived on the drive, starts hollering through the door like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. More obscenities and more criticism aof me as a man, a human, and an entity.

I had to get law enforcement involved and she was dealt with the next day and given a notice for harassment but not before she tried to charm the (lady) cop with compliments, laughter then tears... .

Since then, she's found reasons to reach out to my closest friends, trying to get them involved, trying to sell them her vehicle at an inflated price, trying to elicit sympathy .

The level of unravelling has surprised me but I thank her for it. I can finally see WHAT she is. Now she isn't reflecting me, she's a nasty piece of work. Nice looking but nasty.

So all the interaction is in the past?   If so that's good.  It easy to get caught up in the crazy making. 

Otherwise, I would ask again, are you still in communication and what do you hope to gain. 

It takes time to detangle and recover.   The PTSD from the all the trauma and drama has been very difficult for me.  I was on pin and needles for so long and am finally finding myself free from the Disorder.  But it has taken a lot of work by myself and a lot of self honesty.

Recovery is possible.  Moving beyond the black and white thinking.  And moving beyond defining my self worth through the Disordered projections of my ex. 

In support,

T

[Arminius]

I'm committed to NC. Nothing will make me break that. I spent 8 months in hell, the first 4 she was pretending to want to save the 7 year r/s... . I realise now she just couldn't let go properly. Then she gave me 4 months of psychologically breaking me down. Then the sexual criticisms.

Last straw was what got the cops in. I'm done with the crazy.

[Tausk]

I'm committed to NC. Nothing will make me break that. I spent 8 months in hell, the first 4 she was pretending to want to save the 7 year r/s... . I realise now she just couldn't let go properly. Then she gave me 4 months of psychologically breaking me down. Then the sexual criticisms.

Last straw was what got the cops in. I'm done with the crazy.

Good for you.  But I understand how painful NC can be.  I kept/keep looking for the connection that will fill the void and ease the pain.  But, for me NC was what it took to help me clear the FOG and allowed me to once again expect and require sanity in my daily life.

It's takes time to recover, and part of the process for me was writing my experiences and having my feeling and thought validated.  I received no validation at all during the interaction.  In fact I was so distorted, like many of us, I kept on thinking was it me who was crazy,  was it me with BPD, was it all my fault, what could I have done differently.

But after coming here, I've begun to realize and accept that their was nothing I could have done that I didn't already try and that that the Disorder is simply something I must accept as being very real.

[Arminius]

You are correct, there is nothing you or I could have done to prevent the outcome. I suspect I could have stalled it, but it would have come.

My biggest validation came from the cops. On hearing the facts, the cop said I'd been far too accommodating and it was time to stop making excuses for her. The cop was correct.

Writing , and reading, on here has been a massive help. I can even look at her picture now without feeling sick. I can actually smile with pity at her latest life choice, and I can see the early stages of the idealisation phase in action! It's like a slo-mo car crash and part of me feels sorry for the new person in her life.

Inevitability. It's a word to remember.

[wake up]

Ouch! They really know where to cut so that it hurts the most.  My uNDP ex bf did that.  But his words were a lot more personal and nastier... . Praying on whatever insecurities I had ever mentioned (I have 3 children, natural deliveries).  His insults would have had a weaker person going in for a bit of surgery to tidy things up!

They can say the nastiest things while in a rage, things a normal person wouldn't say to their worst enemy.  Just have to keep remembering it's not true and that they are only trying to get a reaction, and possibly make us avoid new relationships. 

[Red Sky]

My uNPDexbf could say the nastiest things without even being in a rage... . He also knew where to hit where it hurt and sex was one of his favorites. He arbitrarily withheld it, demanded it, demanded for me to demand sex, called me abusive for suggesting in the mildest terms that we could have sex, compared me to previous sexual partners... . More that are way too explicit for this site. Had so many boundaries overstepped when it came to this kind of thing and for some reason it is so visceral, it hurt worse than anything else.

[BlondeRunner]

Wow. When I read stuff like this it makes me kind of grateful that my dBPDexbf is choosing to ignore me. The above would kill me.

[Arminius]

You are so right when you say that things far too nasty to publish are said.

My uBPDxgf , back when she idealised me, also used to say that her exes had said this, or that, about her body. Real nasty stuff which I now doubt was ever said.

She also frequently accused me , to my face Of criticising her appearance. There would always be a pinch of truth in what she said, but her interpretation was always so over the top and self serving.

Example, in the car, sunny day and she's screwing her eyes up against the sun ' Hey, do you want my spare sunglasses, in the console? Save you screwing your face up ' ( all said by me with a smile)

Response ' you just don't wanna see me with ŵrinkles'

[BorisAcusio]

Ouch! They really know where to cut so that it hurts the most.  My uNDP ex bf did that.  But his words were a lot more personal and nastier... . Praying on whatever insecurities I had ever mentioned (I have 3 children, natural deliveries).  His insults would have had a weaker person going in for a bit of surgery to tidy things up!

They can say the nastiest things while in a rage, things a normal person wouldn't say to their worst enemy. Just have to keep remembering it's not true and that they are only trying to get a reaction, and possibly make us avoid new relationships.  

Spot on. Then never feel regret about what they said.

[Arminius]

My ex , when we were still together, would usually express regret or even apologise about nasty comments or behavior, once the spontaneous rage had subsided ( low impulse control in action! )

She once apologised by text, sending me a picture of a book with the title 'I Can Be A Bit Harsh'

For years I felt the highs were worth the lows, but the final 'low' outweighed any love or fun or feeling I held.

[charred]

You are so right when you say that things far too nasty to publish are said.

My uBPDxgf , back when she idealised me, also used to say that her exes had said this, or that, about her body. Real nasty stuff which I now doubt was ever said.

She also frequently accused me , to my face Of criticising her appearance. There would always be a pinch of truth in what she said, but her interpretation was always so over the top and self serving.

Example, in the car, sunny day and she's screwing her eyes up against the sun ' Hey, do you want my spare sunglasses, in the console? Save you screwing your face up ' ( all said by me with a smile)

Response ' you just don't wanna see me with ŵrinkles'

Yep... exactly what happened, she would say outrageous stuff about her various ex's, then be overly complimentary to me (at first), later she said horrific things. Claimed I made her ugly... said I was limp****, etc.

At the time I took it personally... but I know it was said for effect, not anything deeper. She was stunted at about a 2-3yr olds emotional level, despite being in her 40's. They say they love you, then they hate you, have a tantrum... but are just needy and you were handy. I felt special, then horrible, now... I just feel empathy for the pathetic state they are in, but want no part of it.

Have been NC for over 18 months from my pwBPD... and out of the blue, she started texting again, and checked my linked in page... and has me wishing I had never crossed paths with her.

Can spot a pwBPD at a 100 yds now... more of them than you think, the waif ones are toughest to read... . good luck.

[Arminius]

Yes, it colors the way we look at others.

I think they call it 'experiential learning' !

[Tausk]

It's important to remember that pwBPD are at the emotional maturity of a traumatized three year old who lives in terror.  Think about a three year old having a trantrum.  They feel angry, abused, and feel the need to punish others for their bad feelings.  Even if a three year falls and skins his knee, he'll say things like I hate you and try to hurt others.

It's projection of their self pain and shame.  It's the only way a three year old can proces.  And it's highly impulsive. There is very little executive decision making capacity at work.    And if you were to really ask for an apology from the three year old afterward, they might realize that they were inappropriate, but they don't really at that age have the capacity to take responsibility and implement change.  So all they have is more shame as they repeat their actions.

So I try and depersonalize the behavior. And also not label it so much as evil.  It is abusive and inappropriate and has no place in my life.  And the words and actions were meant to harm me, but it was coming from the punitive parent schema that lives in the minds of a pwBPD. 

Part of the reason I became so attached is because like any three year old, my ex honestly did not want to hurt me, and honestly had the best intentions to try and love me.  She was simply unable to love at an adult level, and in fact is doomed for a lifetime of a build up of shame with not place for redemption or growth.  It truly is a nightmare of an exsistence.

Understand, Depersonalize, Detach from the Disoder.   Then work on self recovery and self realization.   Just being able to establish boundaries now is a great improvemen for me.

 

[Turkish]

Yeah, I've had similar.

Some of the things she said to me around intimacy completely broke my spirit. I was either amazing or a total failure and when she was in the splitting black mood she did not hold back at all. In detail she picked apart all of my faults and compared me with others. This is extreme abuse that no one should ever have to go through.

I got the same thing. "That was amazing." To any tiny thing I wrong, and the anger came out, during the act... . not the most motivating! In Year 1, she was comparing me to her ex bf (the one who cheated on her, came back to use her, gave her an std, and then abandoned her again), which also wasn't exactly motivating.

In the last year, she was processing leaving me with one of her few girlfrrriends, and said the intimacy wasn't there anymore, to which she got the answer, "oh, no, that isn't good! It isnt' going to work."

I thought, "whatever, that person doesn't know."

Other than a brief boyfriend around 20 (whom she dumped, because it was too functional, she said), her two boyfriends before me were dysfunctional with narcissistic traits, the last one sounding NPD. So I was left with thinking how much of her criticism was right, and how much was she just comparing me to the shallow, but more intense, connection with other disordered people?

It's a bit humiliating in "public" since I knew she told her friends intimate details, and I still see the one friend now and then. I'm learning to not let how others think of me define me. I had a right to feel the way that I felt: invalidated at the worst moments... . humiliated, and hurt due to the verbal and emotional abuse. I am more than the sum of my feelings though.

[Arminius]

Turkish, forgive me is it possible to believe anything she said about her exes? She may make them sound NPD, but it may be a fabrication.

My uBPDxgf has decided I'm a narcissist and has convinced her associates ( cannot call them her friends because she cannot make real friendships... . that would involve her actually being herself... ) that I am, quote, 'nasty and manipulative'

She has convinced them of that. And because they apparently now think it is true, she is convinced it is true! Circular thinking.

Her: 'My friends think you are nasty and manipulative, a conclusion I now agree with'

Me: ' But your friends don't know me, they work with you, and only know what you tell them about me'

Victim, waif, manipulator. Long may she stay out of my life. I now look back on the 7 years as good only for the fact that I had frequent and ( at the time) amazing sex, it was free, and it was whatever I wanted.

The post relationship pain was deep and the confusion was all encompassing. But now it has passed.