Took me a while... to get angry Enough playing nice.

[Cmjo]

I wanted to write this down and share with you how today he made me feel so low and desperate and tortured... . ! One and a half years since I left the intolerable situation living with BPDh and his erratic behaviour. I have been walking on eggshelves ever since, hoping he would forgive me, agree to be friends, agree to put our parenting first and help the children through it all... . but

Last Thursday morning I went to pick up S10 from exuBPDh house to take him to school. There was a screaming match going on and S10 came running out of the house crying. daddy had shouted at him about not eating the breakfast pancake. Later that day BPDh rang me to discuss hiw we would sort out the three month school holidays, turned out he was only wanting to ask if I would go back to him. When I said know he ranted and raged saying he wanted me to leave the country with the kids for ever, he didnt even want to know that I am the kids mother, to disappear from his life. From that moment until Sunday no contact at all, did not ring kids, left the argument with S 10 just hanging in the air.

It is me that picks up the pieces, I tell son it wasnt his fault, daddy is not ringing him because hes feeling down. But I noticed S 10 didnt ring his Daddy, who is usually his hero. He was sad and confused.

Today the first day of the school holidays. I am a lawyer and have my own law firm. I have so many expenses and not a penny of maintenance, he has refused to talk about money for a year... . so I just dont ask, and struggle.

I hoped till the last minute BPD would contact me to say he could help with the kids... . nothing. My messages have gone answered. He refused to answer his mobile, gets the kids to answer and say he doesnt want to talk to me. 10am I ring his father, who comes to the rescue for the day.

Enough of being miss nice, forgiving, understanding, symoathetic, offering to help him, reading his abusive messages without daring to reply. I am so fed up. Not to mention so outraged that a man who says he wants me to be hus life oartner is capable of being so cruel. Blackmail, if  i dont go back he will have nothing to do with his kids! What a jerk! Bpd or not, did I love this man?

[LettingGo14]

Hello CMJO,

I posted something like this before, but wanted to share because it gives a different view of ANGER.

There's a good book -- reviewed here https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing

It has five stages of abandonment, with the 4th stage being Anger.  See below, and note that it could be a good sign you are one step closer to "lifting"!   



Abandonment is a cumulative wound containing all of the losses and disconnections stemming all the way back to childhood. Here is an overview of the five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Anger, and Lifting – introduced in the book JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT.

   

SHATTERING - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

WITHDRAWL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

ANGER – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of anger against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

LIFTING – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.