How do I handle this?

[mace17]

My H is very uninvolved with our S8. He does however go to his baseball games usually. Tonight was again irritating, H starts out watching everything and constantly criticizing our son to the point where DS is either crying or really doesn't want to play anymore, then he gives up or loses interest and spends the rest of the time at the game playing on his phone or on Facebook and doesn't even watch the game. It's to the point where I wish he wouldn't even come, I mean I'm glad he does because at least he's a little involved with his son, but when he spends the first half picking apart the coach, the team, and DS and then ignoring the rest of the time, it gets really annoying. What kind if boundaries could I set in a situation like this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Haye]

I'm sorry, but my first reaction to this is to bluntly recommend taking your son and leaving immediately. It really doesn't sound like a very healthy enviroment for anyone to be growing up. Quite the opposite.

But you were looking for a staying choice and you of course know the situation better than i could from a couple of lines only. I still wonder. Is your husband diagnosed, does he understand his own condition, the problems it creates to him, you, your son? Is he genuinly willing to improve his own behaviour or does he blame everybody else being difficult? Does he have a therapist with whom you could perhaps talk things over?

I'm sorry, but verbally attacking coach, your son, etc sounds like he is not seeing things from other people's perspective at all, so it might not be easy . 

I'm no specialist here, but erm your boundary would be simply not tolerating any sort of down putting /negative talking openly to anyone anywhere, specially not familymembers or people you guys interact with? With this I mean that your husband could rant about to you about a third person (not being there), and be as meanworded he wishes (and needs?) to. But making sure your son doesn't hear!

At the same time you too should agree not to use anything similar to him or anyone else, either. Make some sort of family rule of talking nicely and positively to everyone. Learn to be aware of hidden negatives, too. Reading bpdfamily forums tools and lesson made me aware of how much i do those "hidden negatives" like saying "that was nicely done, but next time remember to... . " ie turning the positive remark I intended into a complain.

[going places]

Your son is in 'development' stage... . and what he is seeing and hearing today is shaping him for what kind of person he will become.

Boundaries?

Draw the line in the sand tell DH if he cannot be a positive influence in his son's life, then stay home.

Do not allow your son to be verbally assaulted and abused.

[mace17]

To clarify, he is not verbally attacking the coach, just constantly complaining to me about how bad the coaching is and how they haven't taught the kids anything.  To his son, I wouldn't call it verbally attacking, just constant criticism... . he's not catching the ball right, he wasn't watching the play close enough, he's swinging at stuff he shouldn't.  I see these things too, but the difference is that I work with our son at home and practice these things.  I get irritated that he can complain about the coaching and what the kids didn't get taught, but take no part in working with him at home.

[going places]

His words (constant complaining-critical words and behavior-negativity) are leaving a life long impression on the boy.

Words have more power than we give them credit.

They can build us up and prepare us to grab life by the horns... .

They can tear us down and make us 'bitter, ugly, negative, entitled, arrogant and just plain hateful'.

Being told, often, that you are 'not good enough' or 'you are not doing it right' will leave a scar on the soul.

[mace17]

I can totally understand that because its had the same effect on me.  My self esteem really took a hit from all the criticizing and negativity I have heard from him.  I am finally starting to see that its not me, that I am a good person whether he believes it or not.

[mace17]

I'm sorry, but my first reaction to this is to bluntly recommend taking your son and leaving immediately. It really doesn't sound like a very healthy enviroment for anyone to be growing up. Quite the opposite.

But you were looking for a staying choice and you of course know the situation better than i could from a couple of lines only. I still wonder. Is your husband diagnosed, does he understand his own condition, the problems it creates to him, you, your son? Is he genuinly willing to improve his own behaviour or does he blame everybody else being difficult? Does he have a therapist with whom you could perhaps talk things over?

I'm sorry, but verbally attacking coach, your son, etc sounds like he is not seeing things from other people's perspective at all, so it might not be easy . 

I'm no specialist here, but erm your boundary would be simply not tolerating any sort of down putting /negative talking openly to anyone anywhere, specially not familymembers or people you guys interact with? With this I mean that your husband could rant about to you about a third person (not being there), and be as meanworded he wishes (and needs?) to. But making sure your son doesn't hear!

At the same time you too should agree not to use anything similar to him or anyone else, either. Make some sort of family rule of talking nicely and positively to everyone. Learn to be aware of hidden negatives, too. Reading bpdfamily forums tools and lesson made me aware of how much i do those "hidden negatives" like saying "that was nicely done, but next time remember to... . " ie turning the positive remark I intended into a complain.

No, my H hasn't been diagnosed with anything, he thinks all therapists are evil.  I have tried to get him to go to marriage counseling but he won't do it.  I was taking DS to a therapist for awhile for anxiety issues, and H did come along to 1 or 2 appointments where of course he pretended to be the perfect father, concerned and open to suggestions, until we left the office.  So no, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with himself, except for the times he cuts himself down and says he's worthless and stupid. 

I have encouraged and reminded him to tell our son that he's proud of him, or praise him for his accomplishments, but even when he does it doesn't sound sincere.

[going places]

I can totally understand that because its had the same effect on me.  My self esteem really took a hit from all the criticizing and negativity I have heard from him.  I am finally starting to see that its not me, that I am a good person whether he believes it or not.

It took me 25 years and a lot of heart ache to discover the same thing... .

So June 15 my divorce will be final, and when the house sells, I am moving, with my adult kids, 5 states away from him.

It took a LOT of energy to 'insulate' the kids from his 'ways', and in the process I lost myself.

The kids turned out pretty dang good... . but I spent every waking moment undoing what he did, and putting good stuff into them.

Given the choice to do it again? I would have left YEARS ago... .

I hope you find the right answers for you!