Sharing some thoughts that have helped me

[Karmachameleon]

I read posts on this site for a long time before deciding to register and post.  I am in the midst of a traumatic breakup and have been ridiculously heartbroken and dying to figure out a way to fix things.  Alas, for my sanity I see that I must move on.  Many of the posts I read pertained to regret and focusing on "what if?" and wishing they had never been open and that they had never met the person.  I thought I'd share what is currently helping me cope.  I have decided to focus on what the relationship accomplished for me and what needs it filled in my life when it was happening.  When I met my boyfriend I had been divorced for about 6 months and feeling hopeless and unlovable and that I would be alone forever.  I have an Autistic son and felt that no man would be able to handle my life.  He embraced me and my son and my life and was amazing to me.  He told me right away about his diagnosis and I did my research and felt that I was equipped to handle it.  Besides, he didn't really show the signs and I wasn't about to pass up on such an amazing relationship based on what the internet had to say about Borderline people.  It would be different with me, right?  We were crazy in love for almost 2 years.  Once in a while he would have a really disturbing meltdown, but I would help him make excuses afterward and I hid it from our families and friends.  The initial high of our relationship helped him to be able to function normally with work and in the world, but slowly I realized the depth of his self loathing and his inability to do anything for himself.  Eventually all he did was sleep and complain.  Binge drinking didn't help, either.  He lost his job, had no friends, spent all his time talking about how miserable he was and needing constant over-the-top reinforcement from me and would call me a whore and a piece of garbage and 30 seconds later tell me I was his dream girl and he wanted to be my son's dad and be a family forever. We broke up once before and the horrible things he said to me blew my mind.  We got back together after a dramatic, heartfelt conversation, but I never felt the same about him and never fully opened up to him again.  Oddly enough, my son never opened back up to him either, although he did not witness any of the drama.  But somehow he knew.  Anyway, we recently had a similar falling out and I decided it had to be over for good and I would be a negligent mother if I allowed him to be in our lives anymore due to his erratic behavior.  I am lucky because he is moving to another state next week.  Without me to help him pay his bills and supporting him in every way he has no other choice but to move in with family (who he has convinced that I am crazy and the cause of all of his problems and they are helping him get away from me).  So I am here reflecting on the experience.  I have decided that I will be selfish and focus on what this experience did to benefit me.  I experienced passion when I thought I never would again.  I realized that there was still life out there for me and things to look forward to.  I realized that I and my son are loveable and someday we can have a family.  I realized that I can have adult interaction and my life doesn't have to revolve around Autism therapy and IEPs.  This relationship ended badly, but I realize that I am capable of love and I will gladly give it again to someone who is worthy.  This person is living in constant pain and internal torture.  He could hurt me, but it was temporary.  His torture will be ongoing unless he gets the right help, which he is not currently open to.  I pity him.  He had a horrible childhood and desperately wants to love and be loved, he just doesn't know how.  I will be fine.  I'm not so sure he will.  Thanks for listening.

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for your brave, honest, and deeply felt posting.   It takes a lot of courage and willingness to be vulnerable to post -- and so much of what you said resonated with me.

My relationship also followed a divorce.  I, too, felt a passion and connection that I did not imagine possible.   And, when the edges started to fray, and emotional bombs started to detonate, I held on for dear life, through many cycles and recycles.

You are very wise to return attention to yourself.  It took me a long time to understand that all answers lay within me.   Once I learned about BPD, I found it easier to let go of thinking I could solve the disorder -- although, honestly, that was the beginning of a path back to myself.

Thank you for your reflection.  You are on a good path.  Please keep posting.  It helps us all.