When you discovered your SO had BPD how did it change your view of things?

[bobcat2014]

It was only recently I learned about BPD and know my wife has demonstrated all the traits over our 20 years together. During this time I accepted our "issues" as my failure as a husband, father and provider. Because of this self doubt, I constantly changed for the better and pushed myself in hopes of gaining her love and focus with these changes. Unfortunately, I began to suffer not only emotional but physically. Anxiety, severe ED, and depression. Strangely after learning about BPD, I feel much, much better in all areas. Conversely, it is sad know all that I thought our marriage and life was is my illusion, as she couldn't feel how I do. I guess it changed my viewpoint and positioned me to be better prepared when the next bad cycle comes around. Her main cycles almost follow the seasons along with mini cycles from the flavor of the week triggers. Did anyone else have a paradigm shift after learning what BPD is?

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[Fanie]

Welcome Bobcat 

I am married to my wife for 10 years

2 small kids in the house

The biggest problem in this 10 years was to recycle me and I only discovered

that term after I joined this family 

When we had our problems (many!) I always searched the web for "improving our marriage"

Never suspected BPD !

By coincidence I discovered this website - Amen !

Now - your question: Its a new ball-game for me

I am switching between staying , undecided and leaving since I started her

Sometimes I just want to bugger-off, problem is the kiddos

My children 3 and 5 are besotted to me AND to my wife

I am reading a lot (all sorts of websites - good ones!) and also started slowly looking after myself

which is very important

Decisions must be made

But im taking it easy (fortunately I am a easy going type)

... . and enjoy my kiddos in the meantime

I see a change in her ... . can't pinpoint it ... . but she is "worried" about me caring better for myself

and it seems and I repeat it seems as if she is much more friendly towards me since ... .

(she is not the outburst / fighting type - she's more the binging type, so to speak)

Stay with us brother 

[mace17]

I'm still not totally sure if BPD is my H's problem, but it sure does seem to explain a lot of things!  I am torn between being relieved that I may not be totally crazy as my H tries to make me feel, and being irritated that it will never be a normal relationship without 10 times as much work and sacrifice on my part.  I realize that last part sounds selfish, but I have been though every kind of bad relationship you can imagine, and while I am willing to do my share I don't like the idea of having to try so hard for so little reward.  I would almost rather be alone than deal with this. 

[wilsonian]

when you look at the just of things this may sound odd but I was actually relieved to know that there is a reason for all that was going on... I found out after our marriage due to she had to tell me the true reasons she was on disability... (other issues besides BPD but related together)... it has giving me hope that we can make it actually knowing there are tools out there to use to manage our relationship... but don't get me wrong there are some really BAD days and nights... part of it... but being a newlywed when I found out about he BPD main comfort was that it wasn't me or a relationship falling apart a few short months after it started... . Does that make any sense?... anyway now I am taking a day at a time doing the things I need to do each day and yes I get knocked down every so often but my love for her is stronger then the hur I sometimes endure... . Not sure if this helps... .

[lizzie458]

Like others, I felt extremely relieved upon discovering BPD and learning the ins and outs.  I found out I was not insane, and I was able to better accept the situation as it was, rather than continue to bang my head against a wall trying to reason with him and change the behavior.  We spent years in counseling and the counselor and I were completely stumped as to why in the world this man refused to listen, refused to change, yadda yadda yadda.  I dove in and gathered tools and skills, which helped me feel like this would be manageable.  My guard began to drop as he got much better over the course of about a year and a half.  I was beginning to feel like maybe he had outgrown or recovered from BPD, until the stress was piled on again and he snapped.  I had a bit of a rude awakening/deja vu moment one night recently as I googled "how do you know if you're being emotionally abused or if you're the abuser?"  Eesh.  At least then I remembered how gaslighting works and that he was likely back in full-blown BPD-mode.  The point?  I vacillate between relieved and frustrated.  I try to take each good day as it comes and not live in constant fear of the other shoe dropping.  However, it's also important for me to never get so out of touch with the signs and symptoms that I find myself in a dark place as the BPD cycles back again.  Personally, I need to remember that it can come back around, even after a very long phase of seeming recovery.

[maxsterling]

Yeah, my attitude changed.  Before I knew or understood BPD, some days I felt inadequate as a boyfriend, or felt that I was in an extremely abusive relationship.  Back then when she screamed and raged, I felt endangered and hurt for weeks.  Now, when she is raging, I still feel hurt and frustrated, but part of me really empathizes and wants to try new approaches.  Perhaps that is not a good thing, though, because it still is an extremely abusive relationship, and I feel like I am shrugging off my hurt, and eventually I will express that hurt somehow in an unhealthy way.

[FullMetal]

I suspected my w suffered from BPD for years before finding out she had been previously diagnosed with it.  

finding out about BPD it was more a relief.  It gave me validation that I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't seeing things that weren't there.  That I wasn't unconciously pushing my wife away and that she was doing that on her own.  That I wasn't crazy for thinking I should be able to work without having to be in hourly contact with my wife... . It gave me hope.  

Getting the diagnosis, gave me validation that the hope and relief were not in vain.  

However, the one thing I have never fully understood, some Ts and even people say that calling it Borderline Personality disorder gives it a stigma... . I never heard of it, before I started looking at why my wife acted certain ways... . so what "stigma" were they talking about.  Cancer has a bigger stigma attached to it in my opinion, yet nobody is afraid to diagnose someone with cancer if it is proven... . Identifying the issues, allows people, and the people around them to understand what they're suffering from, and learn what they can do to help.  

[bobcat2014]

I'm still not totally sure if BPD is my H's problem, but it sure does seem to explain a lot of things!  I am torn between being relieved that I may not be totally crazy as my H tries to make me feel, and being irritated that it will never be a normal relationship without 10 times as much work and sacrifice on my part.  I realize that last part sounds selfish, but I have been though every kind of bad relationship you can imagine, and while I am willing to do my share I don't like the idea of having to try so hard for so little reward.  I would almost rather be alone than deal with this. 

Thanks for the reply. I also feel like I get little back and know that my marriage will never be stable, no matter how it goes from day to day. I am basically waiting on high alert.

[HopefulDad]

Relieved: To finally have a therapist diagnose my wife and explain why she thinks and does things in her way really helped me understand what was going on.

Validated: I just knew that her thought process and behavior wasn't normal, but of course she accused me of the same.  To get that validation was needed.

Frustrated: BPD isn't something that is just going to "go away" with some couples therapy.  She may never change.

Sad: Maybe my wife never truly loved me and doesn't now.  Maybe I just go through an idealization/devaluation cycle with her and the love is really idealization.

Self-loathing: How could I not see the red flags?  How did I get so deep into this?

New resolve: Setting and enforcing boundaries, SET, avoiding JADE are now in my toolbox for my interactions with her.

Unsure: Not sure this is the life I want going forward.

[PullToEject]

This is going to sound absurd (or maybe not), but learning about BPD ruined watching porn for me.  My ex-BPDGF is very beautiful, and men have not necessarily "used" her as much as I feel she allows herself to be used.  Regardless of how she looks, her low sense of self-worth and self esteem are legitimate, and it now makes me sad to see character flaws of young women being exploited.