Help. I'm losing my mind over BPD doubts...

[D82]

I keep wavering back and forth between being almost sure my ex, (calling her M here) is undiagnosed BPD and wondering if perhaps she's simply got some personal issues and is distancing herself from me as many relatively healthy people do after a romance turns sour. Truthfully, it shouldn't matter because either way we are done. But it's driving me nuts. So here's what I'm doing, which is even more nuts. I'm listing several of M's behaviors that indicate BPD to me, and then several behaviors that put me on the fence. I'm well aware that nobody here is qualified to diagnose anyone they haven't met, but all I'm asking for is your honest opinion based on your own experiences. Here goes the ramblings of a broken-hearted madman:

Fear of abandonment

* One of the first times we hung out as friends, about 3 years ago, she asked me why I hadn't mentioned my father at all. I explained that he was severely bipolar, that we had a toxic relationship, and so I stopped talking to him after a particularly awful manic episode. Her response, ever so calmly: "Oh, so you abandoned him." I was stunned by her remark and responded calmly that no, I wouldn't put it that way. She doubled down: "Well, he's the sick one, and you're healthy, so you abandoned him." I have to admit, her candor was both frightening and somehow... . hot.

* After the very first night she slept in my bed, she repeatedly insisted the next morning that I call in sick to work so I could spend the day with her. I was strongly tempted to do this, but something in me knew not to indulge and I told her I thought that would be a bad idea. Later on she texted me saying she experienced "separation anxiety", and then in the evening showered me with praise for not allowing her issues to take over the situation.

* Her younger sister, and the most consistently supportive person in her life, was living with her to help with the rent, but was preparing to move out and in with her own boyfriend. Any time this subject came up, M would mock-hyperventilate in a semi-joking manner, and say things like: ":)o you HAVE to move?" She told me several times that her sister leaving was going to be extremely difficult for her.

Fear of engulfment

* We spent a lot of time together at first, and I can acknowledge that much of this was due to my infatuation and clinginess with her. But more and more she asked to spend time alone. After the relationship ended and I confronted her on her tendency towards isolation, she said that sometimes she retreats to her own little island because people's energies are too much for her and she can feel it on her skin. She told me that her strongest friendships are the ones with people across the country, because their expectations of her are naturally lower. She said that her best friend in the world, who she's known since they were 7 years old, has put a strain on their relationship simply by moving to the same city.

Splitting

* She became very close with a classmate from grad school, someone she hung out with constantly. They had a falling out. Recently, M sat down with her to reconcile and patch things up, but said: "We had a long talk and she apologized, but I realized as I looked across the table at her that I was repulsed by her face. Like, it was disgusting to me."

Dissociation

* Though I've never seen it happen when she was sober, I recall one evening when she had a couple of glasses of wine at a restaurant. As I held a conversation with her sister and sister's bf, I noticed that M had become detached. A flat, zoned-out look came over her face and she started doodling all over the paper tablecloth, looking up every once in a while at our conversation with no sense that anything we were saying was registering with her. It was as though her mind were in another dimension. I chalked it up to being mildly drunk at the time, but there was something else going on and it was a little disturbing.

Self-image

* A friend told me that she'll never forget an evening several years ago when she was in someone's apartment with M, preparing to go out for the night, and M (an incredibly attractive and slender woman) stood in front of a mirror, telling herself repeatedly: "You're a fat pig."

* After venting to M's closest friend that I was angry she had cut me out of her life, he said: "The sad thing about M is she's always had a deeply profound unhappiness with herself."

Outside opinions

* Based on what I've told him, my therapist is convinced that I've been traumatized by a relationship with someone with BPD.

* When I brought this up to a close friend, she confessed to me that months ago, one of our other friends who happens to work in the same place as M, said to her somewhat passingly: ":) [me] should be careful. I think that girl has borderline personality disorder."

DOUBTS

* Though she's made it clear through her unresponsiveness to texts and emails that she has no desire to maintain our friendship, I'm not entirely sure she's black splitting me. After all, when she does cross paths with me, she waves or engages me in polite conversation, as opposed to fleeing or pretending I don't exist. It's actually me who's finding these interactions difficult because it's tough to pretend we're on decent terms when she shows no interest in actually spending real time together as friends (which I'm realizing we absolutely should not do anyway).

* Only months before we became romantically involved, she got out of a severely traumatizing physically/verbally abusive relationship. I know this matches up with the "waif" type, but I have to be clear here: The physical abuse was real. Her friends knew about it, witnessed black eyes and other injuries, and she covered for this guy for two years. Is it possible that much of her fear of intimacy is actually PTSD from the horrific ordeal she's been through?

* When I ended the romantic part of our relationship, because I couldn't stand her constant detachment, she was disappointed, but actually quite calm and understanding. In fact, she said: "I know you're standing up for yourself and I respect that." She didn't fly into a rage or tell me it was all my fault. She accepted my reasoning as rational. Isn't this atypical of someone with BPD? (Later, our mutual friend did tell me that I may have underestimated her sensitivity to being dumped, and this is why she might be pulling away as a friend. But still, many mentally stable people behave this same way.) I was told that when my name comes up, M says, "I really ___ed things up with him." Again, I thought people with BPD generally blame the other person for what went wrong.

I can't believe I spent so much time writing this all out, and it's clear I need to move on, but for the sake of my sanity, I'm searching for answers I may never get. It's been helpful going through this board, though, and while I know most of you aren't doctors, I'd greatly appreciate your perspectives. Sometimes I feel that because I'm the one obsessing and she's so clearly not, it's me who's insane.

[seeking balance]

D82,



I can understand the "need" to know - for me, it helped me gain a bit of control in my pretty much out of control emotional life when I was where you are.  The facts could help me depersonalize.

BPD is a spectrum disorder - meaning some really not fun traits show up, but it may not be enough for a full diagnosis.  This disorder is tough to diagnose for a number of reasons by trained professionals - especially in high functioning pwBPD.

The fact your own T says you are showing the symptoms of someone who has experienced trauma from a pwBPD speaks volumes - this is more important, YOU are more important, than whether or not someone is officially BPD.

Sometimes I feel that because I'm the one obsessing and she's so clearly not, it's me who's insane.

I used to say - 1 of us is crazy and I am not sure which one it is - the fact is, we both had major issues... . no matter the label, you and your ex have issues based on what you wrote.

Since you cannot fix her, the only real thing to do is focus on you - that is hard when we are in an obsessive place.

You have a T, that is good... . are you doing the other basics of self care?  Exercise, eat healthy, sleep, slow down to give yourself the time to process?

It will get better - keep reading and keep posting.  This article - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

was a lifeline for helping me stay grounded - I had it printed and with me.

Peace,

SB

[D82]

Thank you. I am still socializing with my incredible group of friends, exercising more, but my appetite has taken an unhealthy plunge. I'm still in this weird pit where I'm both deeply depressed/anxious and also ashamed. I've never let one person effect me so deeply. Sadly, it disturbs me that I even feel compelled to write on this board. I don't mean to critique the community in any way, since I clearly am finding much relief here, but I never thought I'd "need" help in this way. I'm trying to forgive myself and move through the pain instead of resisting it, but yes, it's been quite a ride.

[seeking balance]

Thank you. I am still socializing with my incredible group of friends, exercising more, but my appetite has taken an unhealthy plunge. I'm still in this weird pit where I'm both deeply depressed/anxious and also ashamed. I've never let one person effect me so deeply. Sadly, it disturbs me that I even feel compelled to write on this board. I don't mean to critique the community in any way, since I clearly am finding much relief here, but I never thought I'd "need" help in this way. I'm trying to forgive myself and move through the pain instead of resisting it, but yes, it's been quite a ride.

Shame is not a useful emotion - why do you think it is shameful to have loved someone (even if unhealthy)... . we are human, we do the best we can in the moment.  Vulnerability is a great strength, beating yourself up for being vulnerable enough to love or even vulnerable enough to ask for help, that is not going to serve you well.

It's ok to get help when you need to, it doesn't make you weak - it actually means you are strong and aware 

[OnceConfused]

Praying is when you talk to God and INTUITION is when God talks to you.

what you wrote here  are really your intuition, listen to it. It rarely is wrong.

I did the same thing 7 years ago, when I began to listen to my intuition about the xBPDgf. Despite my attachement to her because of the companion ship, my intuition told me (based on similar observations of her) that I would not be happy staying around. I left. I could be wrong about her BPD or whatever , but one thing I know for sure that as of today, I am a very happy man. I don't have to look over my shoulder for BPD or being afraid of when the other shoes would drop. There are plenty of other healthy people out there that would make you happy and there is no need to hang around to suffer.

I have no regret about my decision to leave. 7 years later as I am happily married, the xBPDgf still goes from one guy to the next, every 6 months. That just goes to say BPD has not changed and perhaps will never change. They are who they are and instead of trying to change them to be the perfect mate we desire, we need just to move on. Life is much simpler and happier that way.