need to vent

[maxsterling]

I mentioned that lately has been suicide ideation again.   I find myself trying to say/do anything just to get her to feel a little hope about life.  She constantly tells me I am her only reason for living, would be lost without me, etc.  I figure now is not the time to bring up r/s issues, my fears, my concerns, etc.  So, I try to tell her that things will be better in the future, that hopefully we can get married soon, etc.  It feels like lying because the truth is there are huge obstacles for her and us in the future, marriage is no guarantee, and I really don't know if things will be better in the future.

I was hoping she could just get through today.  I have a meeting and can't go home for lunch today.  I can't let this ruin my career. Tomorrow she has a doctor appointment and a therapy intake appointment.  Thursday she starts group trauma therapy again.  My hope is that those things can help her feel hopeful.  But right now both her AA sponsor and best friend are out of town.  She has nobody else to come and be with her.

Today she called once again to find out the status of a job she interviewed for last week.  Last week she was hopeful that she would have a teaching job next fall.  Today the principal told her that she called her previous school, and they said bad things about her.  I had a feeling that this would happen, but kept my fingers crossed that it wouldn't.  The truth is, she burned a lot of bridges at her last job.  She was there 2 months and was a complete burden on the admin and HR staff.  It was more than just burning out - she blamed them for it. And of course, they really had nothing to do with it, but when they tried to work with her, they did the normal JADE and "invalidation" that is prevalent in society, and set her over the edge. 

Of course she is angry and distressed.  She interprets this as her career basically being over - she is blacklisted.   The principal suggested if she wants to find a job to not mention her previous school.  She yelled at me over the phone.  She is home alone (presumably), already was acting suicidal before this.  I don't know what to do.  I think I have to just trust her and leave her to her own devices.  She hasn't made any self harm or suicidal statements today, so I am holding on to that.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

This incident makes me think how untreated BPD probably gets worse with age.  She made statements last night about bad things always happening to her, and she just wanting something good to happen.  I laid there thinking that bad things are happening because she is mean to others.  No, not in a Karma way, but like my mom would say - "be nice and outgoing to others and they will be nice and outgoing to you.".  Like smiling at a cashier or making small-talk with a co worker.  She has another job interview today, but doesn't want to go for fear of rejection.  She asked me if I had ever had a bad job reference, and then she answered my question for me, "of course not, you have only had a few jobs, but not me, I am a loser."  One of those incidents where we are supposed to validate the emotion but not invalidate the the statement - so tough, and I failed.  I just hugged her and said something like, "You are not a loser, you just had a setback."  She then insisted she was a loser, and that I should be with a woman who is not a loser.

And that's just it, in her teens and 20s she could be mean to others, blame others for failures, and while the failure and rejection hurt, there were other opportunities (jobs, men) to move on to.  As time has gone on, it's like she has burned all bridges, both externally and more importantly in her own mind.  She knows the problem is her, but when she does she paints herself black and can't constructively tackle her issues.  Most up us have bad things happen to us.  We look at our role, and we learn from our mistakes.  That means if we get a bad job reference, it hurts, but we remember the way we behaved to piss off that boss, and learn to not do that again.  Or if we get dumped, we either learn what behavior lead to the breakup, or we learn what types of partners are not for us.  Destructively, that's what we do when we "walk on eggshells".  We are learning what triggers our BPD partners, and try and avoid those triggers.  My GF, on the other hand - it's like she never learns from mistakes.  Or maybe she is learning just failing to change positively.  She went to go teach overseas because of a failure to get a job where she lived, in part due to a bad reputation (she claims a hiring freeze, but other stories made me realize that there were other issues).  And overseas the same happened - bosses getting angry with her, her quitting, breaking contracts.  The same here.  And any reasonable potential employer would check with a previous employer - and she is doomed.  Not only did she break her contract, but she blamed them - angrily and vocally.  It's caught up with her.

And now she's late 30s, and she's feeling like everything is her last chance.  She's telling me she would be dead without me, that i saved her life.  I don't think the BPD symptoms are worse at this age, but combine the symptom cycle with the biological life cycle, and I can guess the late 30s early 40s are the toughest for the pwBPD.  Late 20s and early 30s - there's still time to do something about it.  And there is hope in that.  Get fired?  Time to get another.  Bad relationship?  Break up and try again.

She has therapy today.  We could have scheduled couples T for thursday, but she also has an opportunity for group therapy.  Even thought we badly need to see our couples T so I can discuss boundaries in a safe environment, I told her to go to the group.  The group therapy would help her, but more than anything it will give me a badly needed break while she is gone.

[wilsonian]

You are both in my prayers... .

[maxsterling]

Well, things got darker for her, and I could tell they were.  She had another job interview yesterday that she almost didn't go to out of rejection fear.  But she did go.  Afterwards she had a therapist appointment, and she went to that.  Yesterday afternoon, she had a doctor appointment.  Between the T and the DR, again she texted me hopeless messages.  Half of me doesn't want to respond and not enable that behavior, but the other half worries she truly is suicidal and wants to make sure she knows I havent abandoned her.  I simply would reply to her texts "I'm sorry" and she was mostly quiet all day.

When I got home, I asked her how the doctor and T appointments went.  She said the T was okay, and the Dr. wants to start her on Lexipro, but also said she should go to the hospital.  Yes, I think she needs to go to the hospital, if anything only to give me the caretaking break.  I asked her what she thought about hospitalization, and she replied "I don't want to be away from you."  Grr.  Then she asked what I thought.  I still don't want her to go to the hospital only because I said so because I think it would change nothing.  For things to be better in the long term, I still think SHE needs to decide for herself that she would be better off there.  So, I told her "I want you to do whatever you need to do in order to be happy."  I certainly hope she chooses the hospital, but I also know she has been hospitalized a dozen times before, and really very little long term progress has ever been made.  The reality is, she could go for a few days until this mood passes or she fakes some happiness and gets discharged, and in a few weeks just feels even lower.   She has group tonight, and next Monday is couples T.  I'm so confused as to what I should do.  She did ask me to hide her excess medication.  That's good.  

Maybe another approach would be to hint when she is lonely and I am at work that I can't be with her all day, and if she was in the hospital, at least she would not be alone, and re-assure her that I would visit her.  Maybe remind her of all the times I was at work and she told me "I can't stand this anymore - come home!"  The thing is, she could choose to do things to keep her from being lonely or unproductive.  In that 4 hour gap yesterday she could have gone to a movie, cleaned the floor, gone to an AA meeting, the library, etc.  She knows it, so there's no point in suggesting things to occupy her time because it makes her feel worse.

Last night, a large limb fell out of a tree and landed on my house.  I had to go up on the roof to clear away the small limbs from the a/c and assess things.  Of course, GF was freaking out and worried.  Today I have to call someone to remove the rest of it, so I guess I will be home at least for a little while.  The stress of that on top of this is very difficult for me.  But GF is convinced it is her bad luck that caused the tree to fall.  So on top of me having to deal with the tree, she is making it about her!  

[InSearchofMe]

Oh maxsterling, my heart just breaks for you.   I hear that you feel you are in an impossible situation.  Is that a fair assessment?

For what it is worth, I would encourage her to go to the hospital.  Her Dr believes she needs to be hospitalized at this point.  And even though it may not make any difference long term, at least she will be somewhere that she will be safe from herself.  And there is the chance that this may be the beginning of recovery.

When I got home, I asked her how the doctor and T appointments went.  She said the T was okay, and the Dr. wants to start her on Lexipro, but also said she should go to the hospital.  Yes, I think she needs to go to the hospital, if anything only to give me the caretaking break.  I asked her what she thought about hospitalization, and she replied "I don't want to be away from you."

I find her response very telling.  She didn't say whether or not she thinks she needs to be hospitalized or whether it could help.  She deflected your question with a default BPD answer. She can't be logical or make a rational decision about this.

Maybe another approach would be to hint when she is lonely and I am at work that I can't be with her all day, and if she was in the hospital, at least she would not be alone, and re-assure her that I would visit her.

Don't hint, it won't work.  Tell her it is best that she follow the Dr's advice and go into the hospital.

I know it may not help long term, but she will be safe and you will get a much needed respite.

[maxsterling]

InSearchOf-

Impossible is fair; that's how I feel.  I tried to get her to lean in the direction of hospitalization this morning.  She told me she does not want to go to group tonight, doesn't want to do anything.  I asked her to describe what that feels like, and asked that if she did force herself to do something if she feels better.  She says no.  In other words, she's painting an impossible situation for herself.  Has no motivation, but if she would force herself, she still would not feel better.  Has no faith any medication would work.  Has no faith the hospital could help. No faith in group therapy.  It sounds like she's done trying things.  As she told me several times the past week, that I am her only reason for living, she'd die without me, etc...

[InSearchofMe]

In other words, she's painting an impossible situation for herself.

I disagree.  She is painting an impossible situation for you.  She is trying to put you in the position of being completely and entirely responsible, not only for how she feels, but for her very existence.  You are not able to be responsible for this any more than you are able to be the king of Monacco.

[Olinda]

I so feel for you, Max.

I agree with others above, take her to hospital, encourage her to go, be there with her.  She cannot make this choice on her own. If her therapist/doctor agree with this, a little encouragement from you might be all it takes. 

You are expecting her to be able to make a healthy decision when she is swimming in worthlessness, in a complete pit of despair, my partner describes it feeling like being stuck in tar.  You are not in the pit or stuck in tar. As an outsider who loves her, you can be that strong encouragement (drive her there, be with her, don't leave her alone to seek that help). 

You cannot be her sole reason for living.  It is too heavy of a weight. TAKE her so she can get professional help.