From no contact to contact

[co.jo]

For the 2 readers who don't already know my story- brief intro- 27 year old DBPD daughter, living across the country, no contact for a year. Found out when her university convocation was and decided to go. Was intending to text her afterwards and tell her I was there, but had NO expectation of contact.

So... . arrived in Montreal at 1:30 a.m. their time, 2 planes, 1 bus and 1 block of walking in a very sketchy area of strip clubs, etc to arrive at the only hotel I had been able to find that was not $300 a night. Looked terrible outside, was awesome and amazing inside. Went to bed. At 4:30 a.m. my time, 7:30 in Montreal my phone rang and it was my BPD daughter. we will call her L. My younger daughter had texted and told her I was there, but  L told me she had not planned on attending her grad, she thought with no family it wasn't worth it, and it was too late for her to change her mind. I started crying as I thought I had gone all that way for nothing. I then asked if she would consider going out for dinner. She said she thought that would be ok. She told me she had just finished a 10 day silent meditation retreat (!) and had been thinking of things anyway, so maybe this was divine intervention. Next thing she said maybe we could go shopping, and in the end asked to meet at noon. So we spent the whole day together and had a wonderful time. You would not think she was anything other than a wonderful, smart, funny woman.

Today I flew back home. So it worked out better than I could have dreamed, except I didn't get to see her get her diploma. But that meant I got more time with her.

Oh, and after my younger daughter texted her, L texted back "Oh Crap, I am not going to my grad," which the younger one thought meant now she wasn't going since I would be there. So she was having a big panic attack that she had ruined everything. But it all turned out great due to her interfering.

So, there is a happy story for today!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[InnerSpin]

Fantastic, co-jo. This was meant to be. A great foundation for a happier future.

[Loujaye]

So glad it turned out so well. I'm really happy for you. This gives all of us going thru nc some hope!   

[jellibeans]

dear co.jo

I think there is a lesson in there somewhere... . I feel sometimes I go into things with certain expectations and then it is hard to change my mind set if things don't happen a certain way. I think it is great how you just adapted and ended up having a great day with your dd. The door is now cracked a bit and I hope she will make contact again... . what a great time you had. I love montreal and the shopping is fanstatic there!

[madmom]

So happy that all worked out so well.   Keep smiling, this was a wonderful experience for you and gives hope to others that things can and do work out ---- even when you don't think they will!

[co.jo]

jellibeans I think that is true. I was very clear that what I needed was just to see her, and I was not asking anything of her. My expectations were very low.

The coincidence was that she had just finished that retreat, and that was very unusual of her to do that, so she was significantly calmer, and my younger daughter having the wisdom to intervene.

It does give everyone hope, as we can see how a whole situation can turn on a dime.I think it is also true that it was easier for her to hold the negative view of me when she didn't hear my voice or see me.

[mama72]

I was anxiously waiting to hear how your weekend went, co.jo.

I am so happy that all went better than expected!

[lever.]

I am SO pleased to hear this co-jo. The door is slightly open now and whilst there may still be ups and downs its a great start.

I hope your relationship goes from strength to stength

[jellibeans]

co.jo

That is an interesting observation you make about her holding the negative view of you because she wasn't in contact with you. I really think you could be on to something there... . really makes you wonder.

[Joey2008]

What a wonderful outcome! I'm so happy for you.

[chooselove]

I first saw the title of this post:  "From no contact to contact" and before opening my cynical (from personal experience) mind said, "Hmmmm, I bet there's contact because the BPD wanted money or some sort of help,"  so I am so very happy to be wrong!  It was one of those great meant to be occasions where we are gifted with more than we imagined.  I hope the good feelings linger for L and that she basks in knowing how much she mattered to you, for you to be there.  Our BPDd's truly are wonderful fun people to be with when they forget themselves and relax and live in the moment. I'm very proud of you for following whatever guided you to be there... . and for your other daughter to make the text as she was probably a little nervous about following through with that, too. So glad it all worked out.  May this time help you through any rougher times ahead as you can always think back and know how you selflessly were there for her... . if she forgets.  Mine always forgets!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Loujaye]

Cojo,

Just curious, are you still I'm contact with your BPDD? I have gotten together with mine once since we were in touch but have not heard from her since despite several texts to her. My H describes it as her having gotten her fix of me and now she's good for a whole til she needs another. In the meantime I've unwillingly but can't help letting her have control of my emotions again. It's almost like a love relationship... .waiting for the phone to ring.  Is this typical behavior,the dangling of the carrot? Are you rebuilding from the foundation that you seemed to create when you went to her convocation or starting over as well? Just curious.

[tristesse]

This made me smile... .I am so happy for you.sending a big high five your way.