no i am not gonna do it

[antjs]

no i am not gonna call or contact her. ___ the urges. This person has tormented my soul. I have been through a lot of pain because of her. here is a list for me to remember how toxic she is :

1- she had 3 ex-fiances, 1 ex-husband, 3 ex-bfs, 2 abortions (impulsive sex encounters)  and she is only 29. her history shows a lot about her.

2- she claimed to love me forever and i am her soul mate and now i have been discarded and i dont exist for 3 months now.

3- she abused me emotionally with her stories of how all men are running after her.

4- she abused me emotionally by meeting her ex in hotels. first time, it was to make it clear that they are done and all of a sudden they develop this "special friendship" and thats why she kept on meeting him.

5- after living together and having very intimate moments all of a sudden she is a miserable woman and she does not want me to hang on to her but later that night i am the love of her life and she cant wait to be with me forever.

6- i gave her space more than once cause things were going so fast but yet still she only let me to be away for two or three hours and then she would call me.

7- crazy making moments infront of friends. me, her and my friend at our place drinking and dancing and having good times when all of a sudden she took of his t-shirt. i am accused of being closed minded as i got angry.

8- Triangulation with my friends and discussing our issues in front of them where i made it clear that i was not comfortable with this.

9- I was patient, kind and loving but nothing could change. i broke up with her.

10- one night claiming that we can not be together and we are not ready for a long distance relationship. next day, while breaking up with her she said "i said i will be travelling for a month and we will not be together only physically."

11- got me one day after break up through sex cause she can not give me a logical reason. yes, you get back your ex that you truly love by seducing him. she said her roller coaster emotions were temporary. she said she could not share them because she does not want me to get involved in this. i said thats what SO are for. but now i understand that she can not let this emotions to be shown in fear of rejection. she never changed really just more abuse, gas lighting and manipulation.

12- the manipulation reached the peak when she asked me to say sorry to my friends over a trivial thing and that she is not that bad and its all my fault. i did not of course and my friends were understanding.

13- i could not talk to my ex (whom i lost because of this as we were very good friends) who lives in a different country but she could talk, meet and sleep with her ex in hotels.

14- she projected that i am selfish, childish, over sensitive and i might get back to my ex.

15- she flirted with men while i was standing right there.

16- she was a control freak and seeking attention in any gathering. her back is always hurting.

17- she painted her parents black and escaped her country now living on tourist visas between two countries.

18- she goes to the second country for freelance work. i think she prefers working online more as this makes her avoid getting involved too close with work mates. she switched a lot of jobs recently.

19- she keeps all her exes in contact. ex husband visited her in my country (recycle) before she knew me and she showed me some pictures.

20- she did not give me closure. when i told her that it feels like i have known two persons and asked her which one of them is her. she answered "both of them. you do not know me well."

21- when i said i would never leave her. she raged and said "everybody did. why would it be different with you."

22- belittling comments. one time in front of friends she said i joke and i did not get it. she was like "of course you are not going to get it darling"

23- lots of gas lighting. it drove me insane.

F*ck her physical beauty. one day she will get old and ugly and end up lonely. though she does not think about me for a winute now but one day she will remember me when she will get her diagnosis cause i told her that she is BPD. one day she will know how much i really loved her more than any man and accepted her though i know she is BPD. if one day she gets healthy and realize her BPD behaviors she would know that though it was not bearable, i still accepted her. I hope by that time i would be with a healthy loving partner. I want to thank her for initiating no contact and sticking to it so that it is easier for me to heal. maybe she thinks that she is punishing me cause "i am bad" but she does not know that she is liberating me.

[BorisAcusio]

I would advise everyone to a write a list like this and keep at hand, you're going to need it in the future when the anger dissipates and you naturally start to forget the painful details. With minor changes, your list could be my list and after six months of research, it's still somehow frightens me.

she goes to the second country for freelance work. i think she prefers working online more as this makes her avoid getting involved too close with work mates. she switched a lot of jobs recently.

For the same reason, mine was into online webcam sex modelling.

[WalrusGumboot]

Item #1 should be enough to send out red flag warnings to stay away, but in case you need more, the rest of the 22 seems to do the trick.

Print this list out for easy reference, just in case you need it one day.

[antjs]

24- lied about being pregnant when she was trying to get me back after i broke up with her initially.

25- her ex bf invited her to visit him in slovenia (where he currently works). i told her that she realize that this is more than "friendship" at least on his side and maybe he needs some space by himself. her reply was "he is a grown up man and should be knowing what he is doing."

26- i was blamed for everything. i was blamed for existing.

27- she can split her sister black\white in a matter of minutes

28- she used to introduce me as a "friend" claiming that it is too early to introduce me otherwise. yeah you are so sure about me that i move in with you and you want to spend the rest of your life with me but i am just a friend in front of people F*UCK YOU.

29- drama for her was like eating, sleeping and drinking.

30- she has very few friends. most of them are men.

31- all her exs are above 40\50 and that shows her daddy issues. she acknowledged this issue to me with OCD. i think her father sexually assaulted her when she was young.

32- she has this fake character while she is only 29 but she loves wine, oldies and "classy" stuff.

33- she spends money like an arab in a mall.

34- she emotionally belittled me as she makes more money and always want to go to expensive places. i was wrong to let her treat me all this time.

35- once she was going to see her ex. i said i do not like it and we should discuss it and she said later. i was so angry at her afterwards and she defended herself saying that i was always tend to interrupt important meetings for her as i did a week ago when she was skyping with her boss. i burst into her saying "YOU COMPARE TALKING TO YOUR BOSS TO TALKING YOUR EX AND YOU THINK IT IS AS MUCH IMPORTANT. I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE PLANNING WITH YOUR EX. GO SCREW HIM IF YOU WISH AND LEAVE ME ALONE."


           I don't know how did i tolerate all this behavior

[Red Sky]

Oh my giddy aunt. It's incredible how much you start normalising things isn't it. And then you look back and wonder how the situation seemed so confusing at the time.

I guess the lesson is that if it seems off at the time, it probably is.

[LettingGo14]

AJ -- good list, for reference when needed.

One option for a next step on your journey is to make a list that returns focus to you.  I have found that I stayed really stuck, even if NC, by replaying the drama and the old stories in my heart and head.  In other words, while your list is an important step, our work can be furthered by making a list for ourself.  For instance, in my case, my list might include:

1- the primary emotion that arises when I think of being "replaced" is anger, because I invested all of me in this relationship

2-anger, I am learning is a cover emotion, under which is fear and sadness

3- fear and sadness are emotions I am learning to hold, rather than indulge

4-I am reclaiming myself... . I am detaching.

You get the idea.  Keep posting.  You are doing good work.

[antjs]

AJ -- good list, for reference when needed.

One option for a next step on your journey is to make a list that returns focus to you.  I have found that I stayed really stuck, even if NC, by replaying the drama and the old stories in my heart and head.  In other words, while your list is an important step, our work can be furthered by making a list for ourself.  For instance, in my case, my list might include:

1- the primary emotion that arises when I think of being "replaced" is anger, because I invested all of me in this relationship

2-anger, I am learning is a cover emotion, under which is fear and sadness

3- fear and sadness are emotions I am learning to hold, rather than indulge

4-I am reclaiming myself... . I am detaching.

You get the idea.  Keep posting.  You are doing good work.

i went to a therpaist. he dismissed me after the 8th session. he can not see anything wrong with me. he said its only PTSD. he also said it is normal to crave going back to her for some time. I do not know should i totally trust him or should i see another therapist. I mean i was strong and smart to expose and leave her in 6 weeks.

I have no idea how to work on myself. of course i now know the red flags and dos and donts in a relationship. i learned to not take fast whatever the reason is. you know relationship stuff. but i can not reflect this on my life as some people do here.

[AwakenedOne]

22- belittling comments. one time in front of friends she said i joke and i did not get it. she was like "of course you are not going to get it darling"

It would be nice if we could go back in time, to get in a time machine and make different choices right? Would you want to go back in time and say to her "What the heck do you mean by that you fkn b*tch!"  

[bruised]

I would advise everyone to a write a list like this and keep at hand, you're going to need it in the future when the anger dissipates and you naturally start to forget the painful details.

Absolutely. I have such a list. I call it my Sh*t List. I used to read it regularly when I was trying to detach.

[Blimblam]

It's amazing how the belittling comments can destroy you. But for me it was like at that point I was already so hurt that couldn't comprehend how someone could be so cruel and I was already broken yet somehow thinking they would see the light.

[Hamakua]

32- she has this fake character while she is only 29 but she loves wine, oldies and "classy" stuff.

Love the entire list, about 3/4 of it could be applied to my exBPDgf without any change, that last 1/4 has "our own versions of the same".  But I quote the above as it's something new to me.  Not the aspect, but the constant.   It's the way you phrased it that gave me a eureka moment and I think I can quantify it and put it into words.

It's as though they are naturally shallow but put an amazing amount of effort and energy into being cultured and deep.  To love something, some style, motif, genre, not because they actually love it... . but because they idealize the persona they imagine would be associated with all of those things.  There is a subtle difference to it.  I've been fortunate enough to live in various parts of the world for extended periods of time.  I've been immersed in different cultures long enough to understand them on an inherent "wake up every morning" level.  The cool thing that I've learned is that people from place to place aren't all that different, and there is some comfort to be gained from that.   There are cool people, fun people, kind people and legitimate asss in any culture.  The differences in culture that I've noticed are mainly in how people communicate (outside of language), aka, customs.  In France for example, it is totally normal to kiss your friends hello on the cheek, it's so normal that it was strange when I moved back to the states and everyone felt so distant.  Wearing a beret doesn't make you "french" when compared to Americans, french kissing doesn't make you "french" when compared to Americans.  Kissing your best friends mom twice on each cheek when you first come into their home makes you "french" compared to Americans.

There are a ton of these "little habitual things" that, I'd say define and differentiate culture on the day to day level.  There are other "big picture" but just as subtle differences that one would only pick up by not just spending a lot of time immersed in one place, but going back to another different place for contrast and reflection.

---

The "Character" in your number 32 statement made me think about is something my exBPDgf chased constantly.  But try as she might she would only produce a caricature, a false caricature of whatever culture-chic she was targeting.  But the thing is, those who don't already know the difference wouldn't pick up on it.  It was (and probably still is) a brilliant and well executed act of "acting".  I only consciously realized it after reading your post.

---

I suspect it's an attempt of having an identity, but instead of embracing things they actually love (they don't love anything but themselves really), they end up embracing things that they think their "Target audience" will love them for emulating indistinguishably... . because they themselves are desirable of the filtered attention those apparent personae attract.

---

As for your list, #1 is all I would have needed, but hindsight is what it is.

I have my own list and journal that functions the way you are using this current list.  Be sure to keep a copy close at hand, and if you ever wonder to yourself "should you?" always read the list first and sleep on it.

[Red Sky]

32- she has this fake character while she is only 29 but she loves wine, oldies and "classy" stuff.

Love the entire list, about 3/4 of it could be applied to my exBPDgf without any change, that last 1/4 has "our own versions of the same".  But I quote the above as it's something new to me.  Not the aspect, but the constant.   It's the way you phrased it that gave me a eureka moment and I think I can quantify it and put it into words.

It's as though they are naturally shallow but put an amazing amount of effort and energy into being cultured and deep.  To love something, some style, motif, genre, not because they actually love it... . but because they idealize the persona they imagine would be associated with all of those things.  There is a subtle difference to it.  I've been fortunate enough to live in various parts of the world for extended periods of time.  I've been immersed in different cultures long enough to understand them on an inherent "wake up every morning" level.  The cool thing that I've learned is that people from place to place aren't all that different, and there is some comfort to be gained from that.   There are cool people, fun people, kind people and legitimate asss in any culture.  The differences in culture that I've noticed are mainly in how people communicate (outside of language), aka, customs.  In France for example, it is totally normal to kiss your friends hello on the cheek, it's so normal that it was strange when I moved back to the states and everyone felt so distant.  Wearing a beret doesn't make you "french" when compared to Americans, french kissing doesn't make you "french" when compared to Americans.  Kissing your best friends mom twice on each cheek when you first come into their home makes you "french" compared to Americans.

There are a ton of these "little habitual things" that, I'd say define and differentiate culture on the day to day level.  There are other "big picture" but just as subtle differences that one would only pick up by not just spending a lot of time immersed in one place, but going back to another different place for contrast and reflection.

---

The "Character" in your number 32 statement made me think about is something my exBPDgf chased constantly.  But try as she might she would only produce a caricature, a false caricature of whatever culture-chic she was targeting.  But the thing is, those who don't already know the difference wouldn't pick up on it.  It was (and probably still is) a brilliant and well executed act of "acting".

This makes me wonder about something my ex used to do. She had a few very strong views on very trivial things which I remember because they were literally the only times she would ever disagree with me. If I told her my view on a topic and she disagreed, she would always try her hardest to work her way round to my views.

I could have said anything offensive to her and she wouldn't have yelled. But when I used the colourful slang I picked up during a stint living in America, she would yell 'NONE OF THAT YANKEE S**T!' And I don't mean every now and then... . I mean every time I used a uniquely American word. She also disapproved of my vegetarianism and liked to lecture me on that. I wonder if she attached so much significance to these things because they were the views she consistently kept... .

[antjs]

32- she has this fake character while she is only 29 but she loves wine, oldies and "classy" stuff.

It's as though they are naturally shallow but put an amazing amount of effort and energy into being cultured and deep.  To love something, some style, motif, genre, not because they actually love it... . but because they idealize the persona they imagine would be associated with all of those things.  There is a subtle difference to it.

Hamakua. check out number 31. thats why. she is after "classy-men". since she is new to my country, i noticed that she is a gold digger. she is here trying to explore the elite society and fit in so she can get a husband who would give her some security. as i said she escaped her family, working a freelance job that can stop at any time and she spends a lot. On the other hand, I am only 26 like most people in their twenties prefer beer, enjoy the non classy moments and not spending that much.

your words about the persona they idealize is so true. she got her masters in comparative literature and yes she always tried to convince me of how deep her readings and poetry are. lets drink wine and listen to classics instead of drinking beer and listening to chill music. lets go to this classy bar who is full of old rich people instead of going to this cheaper bar who is full of people in their 20s.

i think you are wrong about loving themselves. by the way, they idealize\devalue themselves as much as they do it to other people\object. One night she can say "i am miserable having a miserable life and you can do better than me." and during the break up she is like " you are not gonna find someone like me." i was like "i hope so !"

[antjs]

32- she has this fake character while she is only 29 but she loves wine, oldies and "classy" stuff.

Love the entire list, about 3/4 of it could be applied to my exBPDgf without any change, that last 1/4 has "our own versions of the same".  But I quote the above as it's something new to me.  Not the aspect, but the constant.   It's the way you phrased it that gave me a eureka moment and I think I can quantify it and put it into words.

It's as though they are naturally shallow but put an amazing amount of effort and energy into being cultured and deep.  To love something, some style, motif, genre, not because they actually love it... . but because they idealize the persona they imagine would be associated with all of those things.  There is a subtle difference to it.  I've been fortunate enough to live in various parts of the world for extended periods of time.  I've been immersed in different cultures long enough to understand them on an inherent "wake up every morning" level.  The cool thing that I've learned is that people from place to place aren't all that different, and there is some comfort to be gained from that.   There are cool people, fun people, kind people and legitimate asss in any culture.  The differences in culture that I've noticed are mainly in how people communicate (outside of language), aka, customs.  In France for example, it is totally normal to kiss your friends hello on the cheek, it's so normal that it was strange when I moved back to the states and everyone felt so distant.  Wearing a beret doesn't make you "french" when compared to Americans, french kissing doesn't make you "french" when compared to Americans.  Kissing your best friends mom twice on each cheek when you first come into their home makes you "french" compared to Americans.

There are a ton of these "little habitual things" that, I'd say define and differentiate culture on the day to day level.  There are other "big picture" but just as subtle differences that one would only pick up by not just spending a lot of time immersed in one place, but going back to another different place for contrast and reflection.

---

The "Character" in your number 32 statement made me think about is something my exBPDgf chased constantly.  But try as she might she would only produce a caricature, a false caricature of whatever culture-chic she was targeting.  But the thing is, those who don't already know the difference wouldn't pick up on it.  It was (and probably still is) a brilliant and well executed act of "acting".

This makes me wonder about something my ex used to do. She had a few very strong views on very trivial things which I remember because they were literally the only times she would ever disagree with me. If I told her my view on a topic and she disagreed, she would always try her hardest to work her way round to my views.

I could have said anything offensive to her and she wouldn't have yelled. But when I used the colourful slang I picked up during a stint living in America, she would yell 'NONE OF THAT YANKEE S**T!' And I don't mean every now and then... . I mean every time I used a uniquely American word. She also disapproved of my vegetarianism and liked to lecture me on that. I wonder if she attached so much significance to these things because they were the views she consistently kept... .

redsky they try so hard to show that they have integrity and character. my ex told me she hate tattoos when i was with her. after the break up i bumped into her and oh ! is this a tattoo on your wrist :D they have object constancy issues remember ! they are like chameleons trying to shape themselves to the surroundings yet still they have these "characteristics" they stick to as it mirrors how would her knight in shining armor's woman (btw this man does not exist) would be like.

[Narellan]

Hi AJ... . I agree with everything that's been said so I won't add comment about your list. I just want to ask if you're ok today? Has something triggered you that is pulling you toward contacting her? How are you feeling?

I ask because I sense a change in this post compared to yesterday's. you seemed to be doing ok and talking about members being on here years later, which was a good thread btw. Today youre ruminating and feeling the anger. Which is good. We need to move through these grief stages and it's very healthy. It's a process. Stand strong, ask yourself what's triggered this thought process and stay strong. Nothing good will come out of contacting her.

Peace.

[antjs]

Hi AJ... . I agree with everything that's been said so I won't add comment about your list. I just want to ask if you're ok today? Has something triggered you that is pulling you toward contacting her? How are you feeling?

I ask because I sense a change in this post compared to yesterday's. you seemed to be doing ok and talking about members being on here years later, which was a good thread btw. Today youre ruminating and feeling the anger. Which is good. We need to move through these grief stages and it's very healthy. It's a process. Stand strong, ask yourself what's triggered this thought process and stay strong. Nothing good will come out of contacting her.

Peace.

Hey Narellan. Thanks for your concern. I feel much better today. Yesterday, i was bored and lonely so you know sometimes your brain can be your greatest enemy. yeah nothing good will come out of contacting her just more anger, rumination and regret of breaking no contact.   thank u

[BacknthSaddle]

I agree with Boris that having a list like this is crucial. I have also found constructing such a list to be a good method of preventing me from contacting my ex when I feel the urge. 

You just have to remember, as evidenced by her many ex-husbands/fiances, etc: any life with this woman was going to be a miserable life.  That's all there is to it.  We want to think because of the beauty and the mirroring and so forth that if just this or that thing were slightly different, we could have the most beautiful life ever.  But it's truly fantasy.  Lives with miserable people are miserable lives. 

[antjs]

You just have to remember, as evidenced by her many ex-husbands/fiances, etc: any life with this woman was going to be a miserable life.  That's all there is to it.  We want to think because of the beauty and the mirroring and so forth that if just this or that thing were slightly different, we could have the most beautiful life ever.  But it's truly fantasy.  Lives with miserable people are miserable lives. 

i want someone to get into my brain and repeat what you have said with a gigantic microphone

[antjs]

22- belittling comments. one time in front of friends she said i joke and i did not get it. she was like "of course you are not going to get it darling"

It would be nice if we could go back in time, to get in a time machine and make different choices right? Would you want to go back in time and say to her "What the heck do you mean by that you fkn b*tch!"  

i wish i would go back in time awakened one with the knowledge of BPD. i would play her till she goes nuts. opppps i forgot that they are all nuts already. border between neurosis and PSYCHOSIS. how beautiful. it would help people detaching to know that big part of their exs is a PSYCHO with all the deep meanings of this word.

[LettingGo14]

i wish i would go back in time awakened one with the knowledge of BPD. i would play her till she goes nuts. opppps i forgot that they are all nuts already. border between neurosis and PSYCHOSIS. how beautiful. it would help people detaching to know that big part of their exs is a PSYCHO with all the deep meanings of this word.

Respectfully AJ -- and I know you are doing the work to DETACH -- "psycho" classifications are not needed to truly detach.   If I remember correctly, you turned the corner when your T gave you a "green light" and, in your words, "released" you from therapy.

I don't say this to challenge you, but to give you an alternative perspective.   

In my view, making binary classifications like good/bad, sane/psycho oversimplifies the complexity of the relationship.  It might serve as a bandaid when we are bleeding, but it does not heal the wound.

Here's a quote from a Buddhist I like, Pema Chodron:

"... . if somebody abandons us [or hurts us], we don't want to be with that raw discomfort.  Instead, we conjure up a familiar identity of ourselves as a hapless victim, or maybe we avoid the rawness by acting out and righteously telling the person how messed up he or she is. We automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another, identifying with victory or victimhood... . "

Again, I offer this for consideration, not challenge. 

[antjs]

i wish i would go back in time awakened one with the knowledge of BPD. i would play her till she goes nuts. opppps i forgot that they are all nuts already. border between neurosis and PSYCHOSIS. how beautiful. it would help people detaching to know that big part of their exs is a PSYCHO with all the deep meanings of this word.

Respectfully AJ -- and I know you are doing the work to DETACH -- "psycho" classifications are not needed to truly detach.   If I remember correctly, you turned the corner when your T gave you a "green light" and, in your words, "released" you from therapy.

I don't say this to challenge you, but to give you an alternative perspective.   

In my view, making binary classifications like good/bad, sane/psycho oversimplifies the complexity of the relationship.  It might serve as a bandaid when we are bleeding, but it does not heal the wound.

Here's a quote from a Buddhist I like, Pema Chodron:

"... . if somebody abandons us [or hurts us], we don't want to be with that raw discomfort.  Instead, we conjure up a familiar identity of ourselves as a hapless victim, or maybe we avoid the rawness by acting out and righteously telling the person how messed up he or she is. We automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another, identifying with victory or victimhood... . "

Again, I offer this for consideration, not challenge. 

Letting go if i was not clear in my previous reply. I do not agree with my therapist. I have learned some relationship lessons that i did not know about. I do not blame myself for this short comings. What i am trying to figure out is some reflections in my character in general. Why did i leave upon the first bad incident ? Why did i let her push boundaries and take it fast ? Yes here seductive charms was so irresistable but still. Why am i ruminating over a person with whom i experienced such bad behaviors ? My therapist said that anyone would do the same as i did as they are very welcoming and seductive at first. My friends say the same thing. But i dont know i just feel my contribution in this mess but i cant point it out specifically. Yes i discovered her early and made the right decision to leave but there were other res flags during the idealiZation phase. I am not just accusing her of being a paycho. My therapist diagnosed her with BPD and psychosis is part of its definition.

[Narellan]

AJ a therapist cannot diagnose a person who they've never met. A therapist cannot diagnose BPD until they have spent time to determine this. Even then, a  therapist is bound by privacy and would not discuss your partner or any aspects of her diagnosis with you.

[antjs]

AJ a therapist cannot diagnose a person who they've never met. A therapist cannot diagnose BPD until they have spent time to determine this. Even then, a  therapist is bound by privacy and would not discuss your partner or any aspects of her diagnosis with you.

Narellan u know what ? Its actually better for her to have BPD (excuse) cause if she is not BPD and did those 35 then she is just a mean manipulative b*tch. I even questioned my therapist if it is professional to diagnose someone he has never seen and his reply was that she is a text book case according to her relationship history and the situation with me. Anyway i want to focus here on me. Wether she is BPD or not those 35 things did happen apart from others. I just want to start workin on myself but i am lost. My therapist and close friends who had seen some episodes of her crazy making and talk are always saying that i am ok and anyone would fall for the same stuff. This might be because they see that i was quick to leave her (only after 6 days of devaluation) but still i ignored the red flags still i am ruminating a 6 weeks old relationship for 3 months now. Thats not ok. Thats not normal. I dont know. My therapist denied any codependency or childhood issues. He says that i have a phase life crisis and that my confidence is shaken due to my current bad circumstances as in job , family, etc... . But i feel its more than this

[LettingGo14]

But i dont know i just feel my contribution in this mess but i cant point it out specifically.

I know you are doing hard work here antony_james.  I respect that.

Ultimately, I think we are all here together on the Leaving Board because we are hurting, and we are trying to understand, and we are trying make our lives better, and trying to help each other.

At some point, for me, it became about my emotional pain and how I could alleviate it.   I don't know that I need to label anything anymore -- in fact, I consciously stopped  calling my ex-girlfriend pwBPD in my posts here, because it no longer matters to me, as she is no longer in my life.

So, I'm not challenging you personally -- I think it's merely helpful to think about why we still hurt, and how we still hurt, and what we can do to alleviate it.   The focus, in that case, comes back to ourselves.  

[Narellan]

You're heartbroken AJ. And it's severely traumatic. You feel devalued and invalidated. And it's hard to work out why our love wasn't enough for them. The rejection hurts.

And grieving the loss is a process.

You are right to start focusing on you now. Let the anger go ( and the name calling). Don't be pulled down to the level of an 8 yo. Don't be so hard on yourself for putting up with your list of 35 flaws. Make a list about yourself and the positive things YOU have to offer the next girl you date. Number 1. You have great insight now into PD and will not ignore red flags or tolerate behaviour that hurts YOU!

That is a great insight to have.

Peace 

[AwakenedOne]

Its actually better for her to have BPD (excuse) cause if she is not BPD and did those 35 then she is just a mean manipulative b*tch.

This is how I look at things also regarding my uBPDstbxw. It all comes down to she is one of these:

1. She is mentally sick and incapable of any change or control.

2. She is mentally sick and is also a horrible person too.

3. She is not mentally sick and is just a horrible person.

[myself]

Which of the 35 things don't really matter any more because that's her life, and those are her problems? If you feel there are deeper concerns to understand, and the T you've seen hasn't helped with them, see another T. Not to get the answers you WANT to hear, but the truth that rings the truest to you. Whatever it takes, stay motivated. Stop looking at her. She's gone. Keep looking at yourself. You're here.

[AwakenedOne]

Stop looking at her. She's gone. Keep looking at yourself. You're here.

Isn't he just trying to have a deeper understanding of this person who he spent time with and once loved? She is gone but she left him emotional trauma as a parting gift. I think most of us would like to know who it was that we loved in reality. After all the lies and weird behavior it is helpful to find closure in some type of understanding of what it was all about. Understanding who it really was that we dated is helpful in finding some peace and closure. A lot of us weren't given any closure and just dumped like trash. It is also helpful in order to not make the same mistakes in the future by having this understanding. Another thing you can tell he needs to do is to vent his frustrations here. It needs to come out and can be a good thing. That's what the place is for right? I feel similar. Yes it is very important to focus on ourselves though at the same time. I fully I agree with that.

[antjs]

And it's hard to work out why our love wasn't enough for them.

No ones love is enough for her. She splitted her parents black and escaped her country ! She could nt maintain love for 9 ex partners before me. I think its not my problem anyway. And i dont have any questions regarding her behavior cause i understand the disorder very well.

All what u have said is true. I learned my lesson regarding relationships. I have to work on my self esteem right now.

[antjs]

Which of the 35 things don't really matter any more because that's her life, and those are her problems? If you feel there are deeper concerns to understand, and the T you've seen hasn't helped with them, see another T. Not to get the answers you WANT to hear, but the truth that rings the truest to you. Whatever it takes, stay motivated. Stop looking at her. She's gone. Keep looking at yourself. You're here.

Anyone who would go to a therapist the most thing he/she wants to hear is that they are totally ok and normal. Thid is what i have got from my therapist. I am not against his judgment. I am just skeptical. I think i am skeptical regarding everything in this period due to the emotional trauma. My judgment is impaired right now. What i am sure of is that my confidnce is shaken. I am trying to dig deeper.