What should I think about this?

[BadKitty]

Tonight, out of the blue, my BPDbf asks me when we have to give notice to the apartments that we are moving out. I told them that the norm is usually 60 days and asked him why since July 1 st would be the date to give notice (not far away!). He said that it was because he wanted to move back in with his dad. This totally took me by surprise. why would this 41 year old man want to move back in with his dad? Especially when he makes twice as much money as I do. He owns all the furniture, unfortunately I don't have much but my clothes amd my car. We have been getting along just fine so I can't figure out what this means. He says he still wants to be with me but isn't this going to be taking a step backwards? I am at a loss here. I can't figure out if I've done something to trigger this, unknowingly. I don't know what I should be doing? Do I start looking for a new place? Do I even need to worry? I am so confused right now! 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

Yes, the push/pull dynamic with a BPD is very confusing.  If this was my dBPDh, this would be a kind of "test" to see if I really loved him.  He would be looking for some kind of reassurance that I didn't want to break up.  Not sure with your pwBPD.  Is there something going on with his father that he is worried about?

[BadKitty]

Nothing going on with his father that I am aware of. He has always lived with his father. He was living there with him when he wanted me to move in with him. I told him I did not want to live with his father so he got an apartment for us, which is where we are living now.

I figured it was another "test" and I failed it miserably. I knew what I was doing when I did it. I told him that if he is moving back in with his father, I feel like it is taking a step backwards in our relationship and I think relationships should move forward, not backward. I told him I felt hurt by his decision, especially since now i will be struggling with money living on my own while he lives for free with his dad. Of course after I said that I was called selfish among many other things.

[BadKitty]

I really don't know what to do at this point. Last night he called me names over texts, I ignore it. Then today we go out and run errands. He holds my hand, he kisses me. I find him staring at me, making what I call "googly eyes" at me then on the way back home, here we go again... . the hair argument, the argument that I don't wear dresses and heels. I have been nothing but nice and done nothing to trigger this. He says why can't he go out and find what he wants? I tell him, why not? No one is stopping you.

I don't know what to do or what to think. I am so confused. I think he really doesn't know what he wants. He wants to be with me but he doesn't want to live with me anymore. He holds my hand and kisses me but he hates that my hair is shoulder length and not long. He hates that I don't wear heels and dresses. He is confused and in turn confusing me. How can after 2 years he suddenly decide that I am not what he wants yet keep leading me on?

I am sorry, I am just so lost at this point and my head is spinning. I really need some advice. I am starting to feel crazy over all this confusion.  :'( I can see it in his eyes, when he looks at me, that he loves me. Maybe I am wrong but I truly believe he does and he is just confused about what he wants. Any thoughts? Any advice?

[maxsterling]

Sometimes with BPD, this stuff comes completely out of the blue.  And if you search for any kind of rational explanation, you won't find one.  My advice is to say to yourself "okay, whatever" and go about your business of taking care of you for awhile, while he sorts out his own mind.  If he wants to move back in with his dad, it's likely nothing you did, or anything you can fix.  It's just his thought process at the moment.  Kinda hard to validate if you don't know what his emotion is.  Maybe simply say, "It comes as a shock to me that you want to move out and back in with your dad.  Did something happen to make you decide to do this, or has this been on your mind for awhile?"  And once you know what is going on, you can validate, and see where that goes. 

[nothing]

 In my mind he is manipulating you to see how much control and power he has over you. In a nutshell he is trying to see how weak you are and how many hoops you will jump through for him. Just more BPD tests.

He is just trying to erode your self esteem and make it feel like you are the problem and the reason he has to move in with his dad.

It is also possible that he does want to go out and find this person. To keep his fragile mind not hurt he has to blame you and make it seem like you made him do it.

[BadKitty]

Thank you guys for the advice.

I don't want to seem like a downer here but something else had to happen to make everything a hundred times worse.

We were out this evening and everything was going just fine. We went out to eat dinner and went to his mom's house. We even looked at patio furniture and new plates and things for the kitchen. I'm thinking, "Yes! He really does want to stay!" We almost bought the furniture but decided to wait and go again to shop around tomorrow.

On the way back I received a phone call from my dad, only it wasn't my dad. It was the police. My dad had been arrested and I needed to pick up my sister, who has Down's syndrome and was with him. She lives with him. This is definitely not the first time my alcoholic father has had a run in with the police. When I hung up the phone I knew what was about to happen.

He got angry about my dad bringing drama into his life again. He lectured me about my dad and his problem. I started crying, which angered him more. I asked him to please stop his lecturing because right now I needed him and his support. That angered him more.

Here is why... . About 4 months after we started dating his brother passed away from alcohol. I was unable to go to the funeral, and even though I did not attend, I was supportive of him in every other way I could be. Because of that, every time I am stressed or have and emotional breakdown, he refuses to be there for me and reminds me that I was not there for him when he needed me.

Once we got home I though we would be OK, he gave me a halfway hug and tried to talk about other things. He said he was going to his dad's. I said OK, I understand. I mentioned I was going to sleep in the living room with my sister. He has this thing thing about me sleeping on the couch instead of the bed when he stays at his dad's. I have no idea why. I tell him because it's more comfortable for me. He just can't seem to understand it and says if I really loved him I would just sleep in the bed. He asks, "Why can't you just be like a normal woman?"

He gathered all his guns from the apartment and left for his dad's house.

Now I am sitting here, crying my eyes out, dealing with all of this drama on my own. I feel horrible and sick.

[maxsterling]

Oh, Kitty - so sorry to hear that   You must be devastated.  Alcoholism/addiction is a terrible disease that just rips families apart.  My heart goes out to you.

His reaction is unfortunately typical BPD.  I have the same issues.  Something horrible could happen in my life, and she will put her arm around me and say she feel so bad.  And all i want is someone to be there with me or listen.  I don't need advice.  But with her, more often than not, she will find a way to make it about her, and I feel worse.  I have to look elsewhere for my emotional support. 

[BadKitty]

I suppose I will just have to get used to the fact that every time I have a problem like this or any other, that he will not be there for me whatsoever and always have the thing thrown in my face about his brother. He will always run away. It hurts but it is what it is. This morning he was being a bit more kind to me but after all this I am positive now we will be separated by him moving out. That hurts as well. I know there is nothing I can do about it but let him go.

[formflier]

Now I am sitting here, crying my eyes out, dealing with all of this drama on my own. I feel horrible and sick.

   

Hang in there Bad Kitty... .