False accusation of domestic violence. What can I do?

[Spacedog]

My mother just called to tell me that the police came to her house looking for me to serve an injunction for domestic violence. I haven't been anywhere near her! I am beyond furious and don't what to do. I can't afford an attorney and she knows that. She happens to be an attorney, btw. Should I contact the state bar? She sent me a text a few weeks ago threatening to kill me. I didn't file a police report when it happened because I know it's her BPD talking, but she crossed a line this time.

[Matt]

I'm confused.  Is it your mother who is making the accusations?

[Spacedog]

I'm confused.  Is it your mother who is making the accusations?

No, my BPDgf is making the accusation. Sorry for the confusion. The sheriff's department sent someone to my mother's house looking for me so they could serve me with an injunction.

[livednlearned]

Do you still have the text message? Is your BPD gf diagnosed?

[Matt]

You need to talk to a lawyer, fast.

Some will give you a free initial consultation.  You can at least ask a few basic questions.  You can talk to more than one attorney - you don't have to give any of them a retainer.

Make sure you talk with a criminal defense attorney.  Make it 100% clear that the accusations are false and that you are not looking to take a plea agreement - you want to fight it and clear it up completely.  Ask, "What options do I have that will clear this up without an admission of guilt?".

Find out if it is a crime in your state to make a false accusation like this, and if there is a way to bring consequences to her for making false accusations.

Talk to your state's bar association and find out if they police attorneys who do stuff like this:  ":)o you assist people who are falsely accused of a crime by an attorney in private practice?".

[david]

Do not go to the police until you talk to an attorney.                                                              Do not contact BPDgf. Carry an audio recorder with you until things get cleared up. If she comes to you turn the recorder on.

I went to jail for two weeks because of a false allegation against me. XBPDw knows I have a video and an audio recorder with me now and doesn't come near me. I haven't spoken to her since 2010 or been near her without both recorders. I still get emails accusing me of physical and verbal abuse. We have two children together so I have to communicate. I communicate through email only.

[Spacedog]

Do not go to the police until you talk to an attorney.                                                              Do not contact BPDgf. Carry an audio recorder with you until things get cleared up. If she comes to you turn the recorder on.

I went to jail for two weeks because of a false allegation against me. XBPDw knows I have a video and an audio recorder with me now and doesn't come near me. I haven't spoken to her since 2010 or been near her without both recorders. I still get emails accusing me of physical and verbal abuse. We have two children together so I have to communicate. I communicate through email only.

I don't make a lot of money. The only way I could pay for an attorney is if I sold my car. Then I wouldn't have a way to get to work. She knows this. It's all about power to her.

[Matt]

Well maybe for now it's a civil matter - an "injunction" or a restraining order - not a criminal matter.

David and I - and many others here - have learned the hard way that DV accusations - even when there is no evidence, or the evidence shows the accusations are false - can be assumed to be true.  The police might make an arrest because that's their procedure, and let the judge sort it out - that's how it works in my state.

I doubt that you can get a court-appointed defense attorney before you have been charged with a crime, but there may be some form of legal aid available - call the court and ask.

And again, you can call any number of criminal defense attorneys, and ask if they will give you a free initial consultation - some probably will - 20 or 30 minutes where you can ask questions and learn your options without any obligation to pay.

If you are arrested and charged with a crime, you will wish you had talked to a lawyer.  It's not fun!  (And it may be avoidable.)

[david]

Ex's false allegations had me in criminal court for assault as a misdemeanor. It was under the domestic violence statutes. The judge was a former district attorney. The prosecuting attorney was the new district attorney. There was no evidence but the district attorney's win/loss record would be affected so the judge found me guilty of disorderly conduct as a summary offense.        I am a school teacher so I was put on a leave of abscence until the matter could be resolved. It takes 5 years in my state to have my record expunged. I can't go back to teaching until then.

Be very careful. I would get some free consultations to get an understanding of how serious a situation you are in and what direction you can take. Talk to criminal defense attorneys only.

If she comes near you record everything and don't let her know. Yes, I am saying set her up if you can.

[Spacedog]

Thanks for the advice, y'all. I haven't been served the papers yet, but I looked the case up on the clerk of courts website. I took a better look at it today and while it is "domestic violence", it is in civil court. The case type is "stalking violence", and I assume the stalking is cyberstalking since I haven't been anywhere near her... . I've only sent emails which apparently have caused her "extreme emotional distress". What a joke, especially considering the extreme emotional distress she has caused me from the verbal and emotional abuse she frequently dishes out... . not to mention the death threats and the time she shoved me so hard I fell and hit the back of my head leaving a huge knot there for days(she threatened to call the police on ME after doing that, btw).

So here's where I am right now- there is a temporary injunction, but it doesn't go into effect until I've been served. A court date will be set to determine if the accusation has merit. at that point it will either be dismissed or made permanent. If I don't show up for the court appearance, a ruling will automatically be made in her favor by default. It will go on my permanent record and could prevent me from getting jobs and will take away my right to carry a weapon. Even if I were to defend myself in court(which is a terrible idea), it will cost me close to $400 to make the trip because she lives over 500 miles from where I am and I drive a jeep that gets terrible gas mileage. Plus, I'll have to take two days off from work, which I cannot afford either.

I'm contacting an attorney tomorrow. If I have to take out a title loan, so be it. I guess I don't have any other choice.

[Matt]

Will you contact an attorney where you live, or where she lives?

It might save some cost if the attorney is where she lives, so she won't have to drive 1,000 miles round-trip, or fly there.

Or... . an attorney in your city might link up with an attorney in the other city... .

[Spacedog]

Will you contact an attorney where you live, or where she lives?

It might save some cost if the attorney is where she lives, so she won't have to drive 1,000 miles round-trip, or fly there.

Or... . an attorney in your city might link up with an attorney in the other city... .

I'm looking for one in her city... . or a nearby city. I have to admit, I'm a bit worried about finding one there because she is an attorney... . who comes from a prominent family of attorneys. I don't know how willing they are to go up against "one of their own".

[david]

Don't send anymore emails.

[ForeverDad]

First things first, is she a GF or exGF?  Frankly, anyone who starts a legal action of this sort with such dire potential consequences against you is a virtual enemy, not a friend.  Doesn't matter that she got 'triggered' somehow.  If it has been threatened, contemplated or has happened before, it WILL happen again.  Be aware.  Beware.

Needless to say, absolutely no contact with her now.  If communications are allowed in the future - not advised - be sure they do not appear in any way aggressive, controlling, stalking-ish or whatever.  You cannot change her and if it appears you are trying to change her then you can be accused of being controlling and worse.  She's an adult, she doesn't have to change.  Well, unless the court tells her to change.

You can start off with getting multiple legal consultations, those are sometimes free or inexpensive as compared to hiring an attorney or paying a retainer.

I serious would consider filing a motion against her based on her prior death threat - filed in your local court.  That may give you leverage.  This is something to promptly discuss with an experienced lawyer.

Does anyone you trust know about her threats and violence to you in the past?  Perhaps you could bring a friend when you appear and that person could not only testify but also provide a vehicle that gets better mileage.

Also, do you have to personally appear or can a lawyer appear in your place as your attorney?  And be sure to make printouts or print photos of all her abusive texts.  That documentation is leverage you could get to provide incentive for her to withdraw her motion or for a judge to summarily dismiss it.

If resolution cannot be reached on that first appearance, then you or your lawyer can ask for a continuance to another date a few weeks later.  Continuances happen a lot.

Beware of pressure for you to take a plea deal or settle for Anger Management classes.  Doing so might make you look legally guilty to some extent.

She sent me a text a few weeks ago threatening to kill me. I didn't file a police report when it happened because I know it's her BPD talking, but she crossed a line this time.

Do you see how your Nice Guy instincts and knowledge weren't reciprocated?  In almost every case, ended relationships are described by pwBPD as abusive ones, it's the pervasive Denial of Fault and Blame-Shifting.

[livednlearned]

My ex was a former trial attorney, and I was very worried his background would put me at a serious disadvantage when we ended up in court.

Every case is different, and each BPD sufferer exhibits a range of severity and symptoms, but sometimes judges are even more alarmed when a lawyer exhibits disordered behavior because they should know better. The fact your ex sent you a threatening message by text will be a red flag to court. A non-lawyer might not know that was a bad idea, but a lawyer definitely should.

Unfortunately, it costs your ex nothing to abuse you through the legal system, whereas it costs you a lot to defend yourself. Make sure you ask your lawyer about requesting sanctions. You might not get sanctions (where the other party pays your legal fees) the first time, but if it happens again, and the judge sees a pattern, things may turn around.

Fortunately, you weren't married and don't have kids, so there aren't as many ways to legally abuse you. Let's hope this is the last time she does this, but like others have mentioned, there's a good chance this won't be the last. Don't engage her, don't agree to be anywhere near her without recording the interaction, and don't respond to her emails or texts.

[Thunderstruck]

When my SO's uBPDx filed for an injunction, I found out about it because I was checking the county clerk of court website. My SO wasn't served for ten days and the hearing was a week later. YUCK! Luckily we got a head start. First thing was we went to the court and got a copy of her allegations.

We already had a lawyer on retainer. The whole ordeal cost us $6,000   and was immediately dismissed because the allegations didn't meet any of the criteria in our state for domestic violence. So read the statute for your state. Examine it closely.

I think others have said this, but no plea deal! It makes you look guilty even if you're innocent.

She's the one accusing so technically the burden of proof is on her. Our lawyer brought in uBPDx for a deposition (which cost $$$). He also summoned several witnesses to appear.

[Matt]

So read the statute for your state. Examine it closely.

Super-good idea!

In my state, the criminal code is online, and you search for keywords.  So if someone accused me of "assault" I could look up every law that contains the word "assault" and find out what would have to be proved.  Or if you can find the specific law being cited in the complaint, you can look that up by number.

But... . that is the criminal code, so it's what you need (if your state's laws are also online) if you are accused of a crime.  But what if you haven't been accused of a crime - what if it's only a civil complaint, not criminal?

That might be trickier, for a number of reasons.  One is that civil complaints aren't decided based on "proof beyond a reasonable doubt", they're based on "a preponderance of the evidence".  If the judge decides that the weight of the evidence against you is greater than the weight of the evidence on your side - even if there's not much evidence either way - you could be found "guilty" or "responsible".  You can't fall back on, "It wasn't proved."  And it may be more difficult to appeal a decision against you.

So it will be very important, as Thunderstruck suggests, to know exactly what you are accused of, and exactly what details are in the accusation, so you can gather evidence to show that the accusations aren't true.  Even details that don't matter - if she said "Spacedog did such-and-such at noon on June 2." but you work on Mondays so you couldn't have done such-and-such that day - if you have evidence that proves that she got her information wrong, and that will hurt her credibility, and cause the judge to distrust everything else she said - it's worth digging up that evidence.

But of course the most important is evidence that you didn't do what she says you did.

You might be able to file a response to the complaint and ask that it be dismissed without a hearing.  If your response isn't good enough, the judge might schedule a hearing, and you can speak to the issue, and state very clearly that the accusations are all false, and that there is no evidence to support them, and highlight any evidence you have that shows they aren't true.

I think learning about how this works where you live - maybe it's different than what I'm describing - and gathering evidence so you will be confident making your case is what is most important right now.

Plus... . having no contact at all with your accuser.  That could make this much worse - she can ramp things up even further.