I need an outsiders perspective.

[Huh?]

Hi.  I dont know what to do here, and Im seriously confused.  Ill keep this as short as I can.

My fiance broke up with me almost four months ago.  According to her, it was all my fault (still is to this day, and Ive taken all the blame.  She said I didnt meet her needs often enough).  We were together for 2 1/2 years. Displays all the classic waif BPD traits.  Eating and health issues, raging, gaslighting, lying, etc, etc.  The end of the relationship has been confusing... . Ive suspected that there was somebody else but I dont have any proof of it.  Actually, I switch back and forth believing there is somebody else... . mostly because when I talk to her I couldnt possibly believe that there is, but then her actions dictate otherwise.

So after we broke up, (she kicked me out of our apartment) She was pretty much unavailable all the time.  We talked on the phone a lot, she wanted to work on fixing our relationship... . but she never wanted to see me. All of a sudden, everything else took priority over our relationship.  Her work, family, everything... . yet, she wanted us to work on fixing our relationship.

After a about 6 weeks of making myself insane trying to get her to actually schedule time with me, I gave up and told her that I was finished.  She was fine with that.  Three weeks NC went by, I didnt hear anything from her.  I broke NC asking if she was happy.  She told me she wasnt happy and that she missed us.  

Again, we started talking.  She told me that she wanted to work on our relationship and start going to church and grow spiritually together.  We met for church, we laughed had a great time catching up.  She cried, and wanted to work on us again.  She said she wants to be an example of how two people can come together with the help of God and offer them counseling.  I asked her if she wanted to go to church again the following week, she said shed let me know.  Later in the week, she said she didnt want to go to church.  We have had no physical relationship of any kind post break up.  She wants to be "pure" before God this time as we go forward in our relationship.  I did try to kiss her once, and she turned away.

Frustrated with the constant double talk, I told her I was finished.  She asked me to meet her the next day for lunch. I went we had a good time, talking about mending the relationship... . but she still doesnt want to go to church.  She says shes not ready to go all the time, and has other things shed like to do instead.  I told her I would not ask her again to get together, and the ball is in her court.  She had been emailing me 4/5 times a day all week... . but once again, she is booked all week including the coming up weekend.  Shes says she cant say "I love you" to me because she is still so hurt from the break up, (again, she kicked me out) Im so frustrated.  

So basically, am I just being a fool here?  In the 2 1/2 years of our relationship, I have been the one that has to make all the effort for us together.  She never initiated travel to my place, I always had to drive to see her.  It was only after I asked that she would come to see me, and it was rare.  Its been that kind of relationship.

Its just so crazy making.  When were together, she says all the right things.  Soon thereafter, shes hard to get time with.  I told her I cannot have an "virtual" relationship (email, text, etc).  She says she doesnt want that... . but then goes right back to distancing herself.

Am I being played? I feel like I already know the answer... . but my heart, ya know? Everybody close to me says they dont trust her... . but Im still holding on to the beginning of our relationship when I was idealized.  Thanks for your input.

[Fanie]

I see you posted quite a bit already

I assume you had a rough time in the past

You are on the undecided board (I am jumping between all three depending

on the temperature at home ?)

But I think the difference between you and me is; I am married with two toddlers 

You must ultimately make the choice !

You already know BD is a tough one ... . you have been here longer than me

My only advice for now is:

  Don't get married

  Don't have children

  Not before 4 years of intensive therapy by her

    and notable changes  ... . then only you buy an engagement ring 

May God Bless

Its really tough love buddy

[Narellan]

Hi Huh. Who knows ? My exBPD used to frequently distance himself and go NC sometimes for weeks. I believe he just needed space pretty sure there wasn't anyone else. At the last final split he said he just wanted to be friends, then pursued my best friend behind my back. He has been NC for 3 months now, even though his flirting fling only lasted a few weeks with my friend. He completely ditched me at that time to concentrate on her. I guess they're all different. She may be looking elsewhere it's all part of the disorder.

I wouldn't say you're being played. It's BPD . They don't seem to be able to put all their eggs in one basket and lying and cheating comes fairly naturally to them.

If you were intimate before and now she's not wanting anything physical it sounds like you've been " friend zoned" for now. This push/pull is very common. And so difficult to deal with. It's very confusing.

For now her feelings have changed, but next week it could be different again.

Peace to you xx

[Huh?]

Thank you.  Yes, I was on the leaving board a few years ago... . I was previously engaged to a mentally unstable woman who split me black... . and I never heard from her again.  She was convinced I was cheating on her throughout the relationship, the harder I worked to show her that I wasnt that kind of guy, the more she began to hate me. Yet that was a completely different kind of break up than this.  

I brought none of that baggage to this relationship. I chalked it up to a learning experience... . but I did see a history of unstable relationships with my current ex fiance that I ignored.  Were both in our thirties... . both never married, so its not uncommon at that point to have had your heart broken a few times... . I gave her the benefit of the doubt, just as I would have assumed she would do for me.  


So yeah, here I am again almost 4 years later.  Another ex fiance, but this one is stringing me a long post break up instead of cutting me off... . I think?  And why?  Am I a back up plan in some sick game?

Yeah, two failed attempts at marriage have definitely taken a toll.  I dont know how I feel about marriage anymore. Especially when my current ex says she wants to be a shining example of reconciliation, yet puts no actual effort into making it happen.

I will more than likely seek the help of a therapist at some point, something I didnt think I would ever do... . but these relationships are so bizarre... . my idea of relationships are so one sided... . give give give until there is nothing left... . then sit in the ashes and wonder what happened.  

 

[Huh?]

Hi Huh. Who knows ? My exBPD used to frequently distance himself and go NC sometimes for weeks. I believe he just needed space pretty sure there wasn't anyone else. At the last final split he said he just wanted to be friends, then pursued my best friend behind my back. He has been NC for 3 months now, even though his flirting fling only lasted a few weeks with my friend. He completely ditched me at that time to concentrate on her. I guess they're all different. She may be looking elsewhere it's all part of the disorder.

I wouldn't say you're being played. It's BPD . They don't seem to be able to put all their eggs in one basket and lying and cheating comes fairly naturally to them.

If you were intimate before and now she's not wanting anything physical it sounds like you've been " friend zoned" for now. This push/pull is very common. And so difficult to deal with. It's very confusing.

For now her feelings have changed, but next week it could be different again.

Peace to you xx

Thanks.  Yeah, what worries me is that I am going to allow myself to be strung along until she introduces me to her new boyfriend... . and then I wasted all this time "working" towards a reconciliation.  I dont trust her at all... . yet, I cant let go.  I know Im the one that holds the power to heal... . its just difficult because her words are perfect... . so I hold on hope. 

She told me from the beginning that she would never cheat on me, that she would break up with me if she ever bored with the relationship.  So yeah, guess that was a red flag that punched me in the face.

[Narellan]

Well you can ask her to prove with actions that you're working on your relationship or you'll take it as just friends if she doesn't commit to that... .

Or you could stalk her and see what she's really up to 

[thicker skin]

Hi 

Has your gf been diagnosed?

If she is saying that she broke up with you because you weren't meeting her needs, did she tell you what they were? There is, of course, the argument that you aren't responsible for them, but we all have certain needs that only a lover can fulfil.

What are her needs?

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi Huh,

I don't know if she's intentionally "playing" you, but I do know that if she is truly BPD it won't just go away.  I prayed for over a decade for God to fix things, heal us, fix me, help her see, make our relationship all better, heal her bitterness and resentment for how I "failed" her, etc.  Things didn't get better.  They only got worse.  Eventually, I realized that I was essentially using God as an excuse to stay passive and not have to face things and make difficult decisions for myself.

You need to listen to your gut.  One of the (many) things that get us "stuck" in a relationship with a BPD person, as from my own experience, is when you listen to THEIR WORDS over YOUR OWN PERCEPTIONS.  They do not live in reality, and they will lie just to keep things going the way that they want, and ultimately to avoid the guilt and shame.  So, you need to trust YOU over HER, in other words.

I realized that in life if you listen to your gut and your own perceptions, you live with far fewer regrets.  You may not be right all the time, but you stayed true to what you saw... and that is something I (and I think all of us) can live with.

The whole "needs" thing is, I believe, a moot point if you are dealing with someone who has BPD.  It's like trying to fill up a black-hole... . they *need* to find reasons to claim you aren't fulfilling their needs.  That is part of the dynamic to get you stuck in feeling like a guilty failure and wrapping yourself completely around them more and more.  "You failed to meet my needs" is the rope they tighten around your neck.  Ever notice how well you seemed to meet all their "needs" at the very beginning?

[Huh?]

Hi Huh,

I don't know if she's intentionally "playing" you, but I do know that if she is truly BPD it won't just go away.  I prayed for over a decade for God to fix things, heal us, fix me, help her see, make our relationship all better, heal her bitterness and resentment for how I "failed" her, etc.  Things didn't get better.  They only got worse.  Eventually, I realized that I was essentially using God as an excuse to stay passive and not have to face things and make difficult decisions for myself.

You need to listen to your gut.  One of the (many) things that get us "stuck" in a relationship with a BPD person, as from my own experience, is when you listen to THEIR WORDS over YOUR OWN PERCEPTIONS.  They do not live in reality, and they will lie just to keep things going the way that they want, and ultimately to avoid the guilt and shame.  So, you need to trust YOU over HER, in other words.

I realized that in life if you listen to your gut and your own perceptions, you live with far fewer regrets.  You may not be right all the time, but you stayed true to what you saw... and that is something I (and I think all of us) can live with.

The whole "needs" thing is, I believe, a moot point if you are dealing with someone who has BPD.  It's like trying to fill up a black-hole... . they *need* to find reasons to claim you aren't fulfilling their needs.  That is part of the dynamic to get you stuck in feeling like a guilty failure and wrapping yourself completely around them more and more.  "You failed to meet my needs" is the rope they tighten around your neck.  Ever notice how well you seemed to meet all their "needs" at the very beginning?

Thank you for your opinions.  I took your advice to heart.  My ex fiance is not diagnosed... . but she has all the classic signs... . unstable family history, black and white thinking, paranoia, cutting people off, silent treatment and manipulation, recycled relationship history, bizarre raging and accusations, extreme insecurity, gas lighting, gas lighting, did I mention gas lighting? etc... . plus, its like a repeat of my previous relationship... . minus the accusations of cheating.  

Anyway, like I said before she is booked once again this weekend... . and just let me know today that she is booked for next weekend... . so Im over it.  She asked me what I was going to be doing this weekend, and I told her that Im probably gonna start looking for a new woman to date... . since its been almost four months since Ive been on one.    

I dont even care anymore... . this game is becoming such a joke.  I just dont trust her anymore. Its gonna be hard... . but I need to grieve the end of the relationship so that I can move on with my life... . and find somebody that actually WANTs to physically spend time with me... . like she did for the first part of our relationship.

Ive never had just a "friendship" with a woman, which she knows.  I know women as friends, but I dont spend time in person with them alone.  Just never been that way... . so the "friend zone" if thats where she thinks she is going to put me, isnt gonna work for me.  

[Huh?]

Or you could stalk her and see what she's really up to 

You know, Id love to know what is really going on... . but Ive just never been that kind of guy. (I know your just joking, btw)   I guess Ill just let her actions speak for themselves and assume the worst.  Honestly though, I wouldnt want to do that just because Id be afraid Id find my suspicions confirmed. 

[Narellan]

Good for you! You sound like you've already started to detach given the 4 month physical break. Focus on yourself and move forward. At this stage I suggest you move to L3 " leaving" board as you further work through the detachment and healing stage. Feel free to read our resources around this. Also at this stage if you don't want to be "friend zoned" I'd recommend you go No Contact with your ex. This will truly help you in your healing process.

Good luck