Here we go... help me stay strong please.

[crookedeuphoria]

4 days NC. And there's the text: "I miss you so much. You will always have my heart and you will always be on my mind. I think it's cool you posted to facebook (all of my fb settings are private) that you want to volunteer at a homeless shelter. You always told me to do something like that to get out of my head. You are the real deal. You say what you mean, and mean what you say. I hope we can be friends again someday in the future when enough time has passed. I need you in my life. Please don't let me slip away into misery, please keep me in check. Jim (his friend from work) is way too intense. This is too much for me. Total non stop anger and screaming. I think I now know how you felt with me... . "

His last text to me (Tuesday morning) was "F*ck you. I am done with you"

[crookedeuphoria]

Crap. He just sent another one. "Please let me come over and see you. I just want to hold your hand and talk to you. I will not be angry at all. Please."

What do I do, what do I do? I do not want him to come here. I do not want to engage.

[crookedeuphoria]

And another. "Sorry. I am being selfish"

[talithacumi]

You've had so little time to collect your thoughts and figure out how you really feel/what you really want right now.

Is it possible for you to acknowledge that you've gotten his texts, tell him you understand how he feels/what he wants and is asking for, but need time to think about how YOU feel/what YOU want ... . will make it a priority, do it (give him a timeframe), and get back to him once you know (give him a day/time)?

I'm concerned about two things right now. First, that his efforts to make contact/get an acknowledgement are going to escalate unless his immediate need for that is met - which, whether it represents any kind of real physical threat of violence for you, is, at the very least a pretty frightening place for you to be.

Second, that by NOT acknowledging that he's made contact, you're subconsciously taking back/enjoying having that kind of power over him again which you'll recognize later, and feel ashamed about which will only FURTHER cloud/complicate your ability to figure out the things you need to figure out.

No judgements here, crooked - I've totally been in your shoes and ended up running pretty much the entire gamut of ways to react to these kinds of messages. All I can tell you for sure, is that REGARDLESS of what you ultimately decide/end up doing - no matter how well or badly it turns out - you'll be fine.

Take a deep breath. Step back from the dramatic crisis mode perspective he shared, and give yourself a little space before you act. It's the least you deserve.

[AwakenedOne]

I had to call the police once. It was awful. My bf ended up being arrested and then of course I ended up feeling horribly guilty. Even though he had hit me and choked me while I was just laying in bed trying to go to sleep!

I have two nine year old daughters and he has a nine year old son who lives with us part time. Most of these episodes were not in front of the kids but a couple have been.

I stopped talking to my friends. How was I supposed to explain what was going on? I didn't understand it. My one friend who knows some details of course advises me to leave but I am so cliche. I love him. I want to help him. I want to save him.

He must have moved out at least 30 times since we have been together.

Suddenly in he comes yelling. Punches a new hole in the wall, walks out, comes back in yelling and hit me in the face.

CE,

I'd follow the advice of your friend who said "Get out of this dangerous dysfunctional relationship before it is too late."

What if your friend was in the same situation? What would you tell them to do? How do you think your 2 daughters feel living like this?

I know about violence. My uBPD wife was extremely violent, she attacked me in my sleep while defenseless and hurt me and on other occasions. I feared she would murder me. It doesn't get better it gets worse.

Be safe,

AO

[crookedeuphoria]

Thank you for answering AO. I was in a bit of a panic last night. I texted my friend who lives in the house behind me and she said just let her know if he shows up and she and her husband would come over and ask him to leave. It was a moot point, thankfully, because he didn't show up. He just texted until about 1AM. I didn't text back, not because of feeling powerful (God! I hope not! That sounds horrible and I sincerely hope I never recognize that that's what I was doing, like you said).

I just don't want it anymore. I don't want it for me. I don't want it for my daughters. I don't want it in our lives. He does know this, I have said it and I feel that I have been disengaging for the last several months. He hasn't lived with me since March.

Was not answering the right thing to do? I am so confused. I haven't seen him in two weeks and we had LC up until Tuesday. I had told him that we needed some time apart to figure things out, that we couldn't go on this way. Granted, yes, I have said similar things before and so has he. How do I make it clear to him that this time I do mean it? Because I do. I want out. I don't feel strong but I do feel the longer I don't have contact, the stronger I will get. I keep trudging forward and I know that someday it will be a little better. I feel like answering him would have given him a string to hold onto. I know for sure that if I had answered, the texts would have gone on and on and on and on.

I don't want to block his number because he has overdosed on his meds twice and he does threaten suicide a lot.

[Narellan]

Crookedeuphoria. WELL DONE! You are awesome to not respond to him. You absolutely did the right thing. Youve set boundaries, and hes trying to break them down. You both want time and space, so stick by that even if he cant. He can respect boundaries because he didnt just come around. By not replying you are enforcing the boundaries you set regarding needing space.

This is a huge step, and you are handling things very well.

Peace 

[crookedeuphoria]

Thank you Narellan. I definitely feel like I did the right thing for me. This morning, the FOG is settling in a little bit. I also get very scared that I will be sucked back into the tornado, as if it is beyond my control.

[Narellan]

Yes im also terrified ill get sucked back in. My track record with him has proved how bad i am. For me its been 3 months NC, but last weekend he came to my door. I wasnt home, and so he left but im on eggshells waiting for him to come back. I still love him. But im detaching now, and i never can be with him again. But if i let him start talking im a goner... .

Maybe not. Im stronger now, but im scared because each recycle ive thought this is the last time, and bam Im back with him again. I have to stay NC.

Great work. You are doing very well. 

[Littleleft]

Hi crookedeuphoria

I don't have any experience in this part of a r/s with a pwBPD, but just wanted to give you this -  

It seems to me that you're being very strong and courageous in a very difficult situation, and you're dealing with it very well.

Does he have other people like family or friends who can supports him and be there for him if he overdoses or is threatening suicide again?

[crookedeuphoria]

But if i let him start talking im a goner... .

Maybe not. Im stronger now, but im scared because each recycle ive thought this is the last time, and bam Im back with him again. I have to stay NC.

Yes. This.

Littleleft, He is staying with his parents. They are completely insane. He has a couple of friends that I would ask to help if he says anything about suicide again. He is no longer in therapy because he feels the therapists have failed him, so as far as I'm aware, he doesn't have any access to meds. Not that that makes much difference. He has also crashed his car a couple of times when he has dysregulated.

[Littleleft]

I'm really sorry it's so difficult for you.  That's a shame that his parents can't be relied on for help but at least there are some friends that can help him, so you don't need to feel that responsibility falls on you.  Even if his parents are insane, if he's living there they are around if he should do anything to harm himself whilst there and surely they would have the sense to get him some medical help if needed.

You're not responsible for his behaviour and let's face it, he's going to dysregulate whether you are in his life or not.  I know it's not that easy to completely disengage and go NC but it sounds like you know it's what you need to do.

Like Narellan said, you're doing very well. I'm sure you'll feel stronger and better about it as time goes on.

[sweetheart]

Hi crookedeuphoria want to echo the well done for being so strong and thinking about you and your child's safety.

You mentioned talks of suicide. My dBPDh takes both impulsive and planned overdoses, he must have taken 10 in the last year alone. I am surprised he hasn't died, but thankfully he hasn't. If your ex were to text you that he has taken an overdose or is feeling suicidal and you have concerns, I phone the paramedics to attend, his safety is not your responsibility. ( even though it feels so so awful when it happens ) I have learnt that I cannot stop my dBPDh but I can involve professionals who can cope with it much better than me. The other thing I also do now is  contact the police on our local non-emergency number if my husband even threatens suicide and they attend and deal with him. Hopefully the situation will never arise for you, but if you can hand over such threats to professionals it takes you out of that emotional loop along with continued NC.

[crookedeuphoria]

Thanks, you guys, for all of the support. I almost have one more day under my belt. Yay me.

[Narellan]

Yay you! Blessings xx

[Emelie Emelie]

Good for you!  I went through the same thing.  One day it was F you I will never speak to you again and two days later I was the love of his life.  It's hard and confusing and emotionally draining.  You're doing great.

[Littleleft]

Yay you indeed!x