Non-judgmental Love

[ConverseHome]

My uxBPDgf and I have had to have LC b/c of various financial and practical issues surrounding end of our relationship six months ago (we own a house together, etc). Trying to work with her and her emotional reasoning when we have very real "grown up" issues that have to be addressed throws into relief the kinds of things I dealt with on a daily basis. Perspective and physical distance makes me realize what a futile, circular path I was treading. Like a mouse on a wheel.

Anyway, these back-and-forths which had been reasonably civil go off the rails this past week. Out came the splitting, the rants, and her return to something that always cut right to my heart (and still does, though not as badly). She claims that I am incapable of "non judgmental love." My rational self knows this is projection - in the final 2 years of our 6 year relationship her splitting was so bad, that not only was I "toxic, evil and poison," (words I never heard used by anyone in any relationship before), but she used nearly every one of my vulnerabilities against me. Whether FOO issues, perceived weaknesses in my children, how unlikeable my friends are. She compared me to her ex with statement like, "If you were more like her, then I would be more compassionate/empathetic with you." You name it; there were no boundaries to where she would go.

But, still, the charge that I'm incapable of loving in a non-judgmental way just sticks with me. It's become easier to shake with more distance and the return of normalcy to my life some 6 months later; I remind myself how much I loved this person, and accepted her weaknesses/flaw along with her positive qualities (of which she has many).

Wondering if anyone else was on the receiving end the "inability to love (non-judgmentally)" accusation from your significant BPD other, and how did you handle it for yourself?

[christoff522]

My uxBPDgf and I have had to have LC b/c of various financial and practical issues surrounding end of our relationship six months ago (we own a house together, etc). Trying to work with her and her emotional reasoning when we have very real "grown up" issues that have to be addressed throws into relief the kinds of things I dealt with on a daily basis. Perspective and physical distance makes me realize what a futile, circular path I was treading. Like a mouse on a wheel.

Firstly let me just shake your hand for managing to maintain a 6 year relationship with her. You must have lost some weight, and suffered continual stress related illnesses 

Anyway, these back-and-forths which had been reasonably civil go off the rails this past week. Out came the splitting, the rants, and her return to something that always cut right to my heart (and still does, though not as badly). She claims that I am incapable of "non judgmental love." My rational self knows this is projection - in the final 2 years of our 6 year relationship her splitting was so bad, that not only was I "toxic, evil and poison," (words I never heard used by anyone in any relationship before), but she used nearly every one of my vulnerabilities against me. Whether FOO issues, perceived weaknesses in my children, how unlikeable my friends are. She compared me to her ex with statement like, "If you were more like her, then I would be more compassionate/empathetic with you." You name it; there were no boundaries to where she would go.

Its because of the amount of commitment she was entering into, more commitment = more pain when it all goes south.

But, still, the charge that I'm incapable of loving in a non-judgmental way just sticks with me. It's become easier to shake with more distance and the return of normalcy to my life some 6 months later; I remind myself how much I loved this person, and accepted her weaknesses/flaw along with her positive qualities (of which she has many).

You know yourself, we all have an established sense of self, a sort of blueprint of our self-knowledge. Its called a personality. You know who you are, she doesn't know who she is. You know how you felt, you honestly never really knew how they felt.

Wondering if anyone else was on the receiving end the "inability to love (non-judgmentally)" accusation from your significant BPD other, and how did you handle it for yourself?

I got told that it was 'all or nothing' with me. She tried a few times to friend zone it, but my reply always was "we can never be friends".

They are judgmental in their love - after all thats what splitting is - JUDGING! You see, its all projection.

They want unconditional love, so that they can go and do whatever and be forgiven all the time. They probably meant that they wanted to go find other lovers, but knew that they couldn't get away with it - hence you being judgmental.

I sort of knew how it would be, I'd be pushed to the sidelines whilst she went a-whoring. Its not a nice feeling. But I'm over that. You're doing alright, keep doing whatever it is you're doing

[ConverseHome]

Thanks, Christoff522, your thoughts are very comforting and helpful... . you're right about the stress and weight loss. Initially, it was stress-induced weight loss for several years. I decided after our final recycle to take better care of myself. More working out. Read somewhere that no matter what get 30 minutes of exercise, even if it's just a walk. This has done wonders for the stress, as has quiet time. Time to reflect on me, and not ruminate about her craziness. When her past/present craziness creeps in, I exercise, do the dishes/laundry, call a friend - anything to change my thought process.

As for more commitment=more pain... . what a terrific insight. So, too, are your thoughts on splitting being inherently judgmental. In my case, when she couldn't get her way in keeping up her emotional affair with her ex, I was dumped on. Not long before final break-up I had torn both the tendons in my knee skiing, and was literally immobile in bed. My then uBPDgf declares that she has to go see her ex in Chicago for a few days (we live in Boston), as her ex may "die any day" (ex has had health issues and has been on her death bed for the last 5 years). Ultimately, after a series of epic battles, uBPDgf stays with me, though it was so not worth it; I endured rages, while being literally incapable of getting up and walking away, that included how I lacked compassion for her ex's needs and imminent death. Needless to say, this same "dying" woman is alive and kicking in Chicago to this day, and my xBPDgf is back declaring her love for her (as if that had ever stopped while we were together).

All to say, you're absolutely right in that, even on an unconscious level, all of the splitting, demonizing, and raging provide very useful covers/smoke screens for her being able to do precisely what she wanted to do, regardless of how destructive it was for our relationship.

Final coda to this story. After I have my knee surgery and recover enough to be mobile, my then uBPDgf does go to Chicago to see her ex. Upon her return, she has one of her classic drunken rages, trying to break my bedroom door down, and eventually driving her new car over the retaining wall in our driveway, getting it stuck like a see-saw. And, within a day or two later, she had worked herself up into such a state of righteous indignation that somehow her drunken rage was my fault. Claims that I was chasing her around the house and she was trying to "escape." Me, still recovering from knee surgery and locked in my bedroom trying to stay away from her. Kicker is, she TRULY believes her narrative on this. Oh, and as for her drinking, that was my fault too. She claims she was numbing herself to my "emotional abuse." Amazing.

Still, relationship continued for another 7 months, as I tried to find proper substance counseling (which she to 3-4x and then quit), and a skilled couple's T (which we went to for about 3-4 months, then she also stormed out and left our relationship for good, once CT refused to say that I (yes me) had BPD!). Just writing all of this is a reminder of the Land of Oz that I inhabited for nearly 6 years.

[patientandclear]

Yes, I heard this quite a bit as our r/ship approached the end last year. Without going into the details here, we were intimate friends, an arrangement he wanted after breakup and NC and I agreed to because I wasn't willing to resume a r/s either without addressing the leaving dynamic he has established with a long series of women.

Even that he viewed as judgmental and that I felt I knew better than he about how r/ships should work.

But then he suddenly moved across the country, and when I said the least possible thing about how that was going to kind of limit our r/ship and I was bummed about it, he experienced that as me being judgmental and controlling.

Then when he started dating someone else (without disclosing to me, with whom he remained in emotionally intimate contact) and I said I needed to draw some lines if he was going to replace me with someone else in several aspects of our r/s--once again, he was furious that I judged him.

Early on in the r/s my approach would have been to leap to reassure him I was not judging, whatever he chose to do was fine.

I came to a point in the end where it was better to own that I do actually judge the way he handles r/ships. I think it's harmful and lacks integrity. I've never announced a sweeping verdict like that to him, just stated concrete boundaries and expressed hurt and loss. But I've stopped trying to purge my judgment of this aspect of the way he lives. I think it sucks. It hurts so many people.

I agree with Christoff that this framework is a request for unconditional love that allows pwBPD to do whatever they impulsively want to do and expect to be warmly embraced not withstanding the carnage that results. That seems like what we do if we are addicted to someone and need to keep them in our lives at all costs. (And I was there for the longest time.)

[Artisan]

Wow, another phrase I constantly heard ... . the 'unconditional love.'

When I would respond with anger, she'd ask me to love her unconditionally.

My response is that I wasn't Jesus Christ, Buddha, Mohammed or a saint... . I'm a man, a good man, a human man ... . not enlightened to the degree she believes I should be.

For me, it was just another way I constantly fell short and another reason that she needs somebody else.

I know that there is nobody who can be unconditional in their love ; I'm not able to ... . it's why I left.

[Blimblam]

the strange thing is I think I developed a type of unconditional love for this girl.  The thing is it drives me crazy because it doesn't mean it hurts any less. The unconditional love brings the pain to new levels I never imagined.  Because I have a full range of emotions. I am not a sociopath.

[myself]

Isn't 'unconditional' a condition in itself?

[Madison66]

I definitely with the "judgment" accusations! Yes, a good amount of projecting. Also, I found that there is a difference between judgment and discernment. I was calling out issues that went against my values like abuse, lying, cheating, etc. That's not judgment, but rather discernment. By staying in the r/s, I wasn't living my values and it was eventually time to get out.

[Madison66]

I definitely with the "judgment" accusations! Yes, a good amount of projecting. Also, I found that there is a difference between judgment and discernment. I was calling out issues that went against my values like abuse, lying, cheating, etc. That's not judgment, but rather discernment. By staying in the r/s, I wasn't living my values and it was eventually time to get out.

So, I typed this one fast from my bb.  Again, I can relate with the judgment accusations.  My point about discernment vs judgment is that I was in a "no win" situation where if I objected or called out her disrespect of me or abuse of me or her selfishness or her lying or lack of transparency she'd say I was judging her.  The truth was that my own values include love, respect, kindness, honesty, transparency, family, religion, forgiveness, etc.  Her actions went directly against my values, so I used discernment to call them out.  The biggest problem is that by participating in the r/s and accepting a lot of her actions I was actually not living my values.  That made me very unhappy.  I began to wake up to this during the last year of the r/s and stayed in it too long.  PD or no PD, I will never again live or make decisions against my own values.  No one should... .

Maybe a good response to your ex when she starts throwing the judgment thing in your face is to just say: "You and I are different people.  It's not about judgment; it's about living my values and choosing to be with those whose values closely match mine."  End of story... .