Pity party

[crookedeuphoria]

I am feeling so lost and alone and hopeless today. I have no one--not ONE single person I can call to hang out with, to talk to. Nope, most of my friends were written off during the r/s. I have one, ONE friend and she is busy with her family today. And even though she always encouraged me to "just leave" apparently dealing with the aftermath of me actually doing it is a bit of an inconvenience (yes, I'm also feeling bitter).

I went to a service this morning at this little spiritual church I go to. It's all positive and love and light and I was feeling extremely fragile when I left. Got in my car, checked my phone and there it is, a text from him. I guess his ex-wife is giving up her house and moving in with her mother. Somehow, this is my fault, MY fault that their son is "losing everything he ever had and knew". I had the biggest anxiety attack I have ever had in my life and have come home to my empty house and have not stopped crying. I hate this, I HATE it. I left him to get away from the drama and the misery and it has become such a dominant part of my life. I am scared to death that this IS the rest of my life. I don't want this anymore, I don't want this bleak, hopelessness anymore. I am trying, I swear I am, to lean into all I am feeling but is that what this means? Just this endless sobbing? I am falling apart.

[Littleleft]

Oh crookedeuphoria, I'm sorry it's turned out to be another difficult day for you.  I wish I could give you a hug in person! 

I'm in the same situation as you with friends. When I met him I had a great bunch of good friends and met some more along the way, but I've ended up almost entirely isolated.  I stupidly let him manipulate me so that I either stopped r/s's on his request, or I just stopped meeting and contacting people to avoid the fallout and to try not to anger him.  I'm looking at it as a positive of breaking up that I can now build new friendships or try to recover some that fell by the wayside.  I don't expect either to be a quick thing, but I know it's a good thing that can happen now.

It's great that you got out and went to your spiritual church. Even if you don't feel so great now.  You're trying to get on with life and that's taking real courage and strength - go easy on yourself, you're doing great.  It is difficult, but you'll get through this. 

[sweetheart]

I am sorry that you are feeling so sad and hopeless crookedeuphoria, receiving the text must have been really hard too. Today though through all your pain you have reached out, by going to church and posting here. Keep on reaching out. 

[JackBlacknBlue]

I have had my fair share of days where I sat crying in my house too, thinking this would be it.  It isn't.  It gets better and you're on right path by going out.  You're not alone in feeling this way.  And you will create a new better normal.  It takes time and is a process.  Be kind to yourself while you grieve and hurt.   

[crookedeuphoria]

Thanks you guys   I'm feeling a bit calmer now.

Should I just block his number? There is no reason that we should still have contact. Nothing legal, no kids, no more stuff to exchange. I have told myself that I haven't blocked it because of safety concerns and a feeling that I should keep a close eye in case he decides to threaten me. But now I am wondering if it is just that last little connection that I am clinging to. It's not hope, I have no hope and there is definitely no chance of reeling me back in... . is it the addiction? A control thing? Gah! This should not be so difficult. I think it is the addiction because even thinking about blocking his number causes me huge anxiety and the feeling that if I choose to do that, I should send him a message that I am doing it. Which would then mean breaking NC. Which would then open the door. Which I do NOT want to do.

[JackBlacknBlue]

I know for me I didn't block the person's number for my own sake - keeping the last thread of possible connection there.  You have to do what is best for you when you are ready.  It is an addiction.  If you follow the text book responses, you should block his number.  But life isn't text book.  You will have to decide for yourself what boundaries you're ready to uphold. 

Whatever you decide to do, put yourself first - not the addicted self - but the one you knew before all of this happened.  What would that person do in this case?

[Littleleft]

Have you tried ignoring the texts, not even reading them and deleting them when they arrive? I'm not sure how different that is to blocking his number in terms of its affect on you, or why you wouldn't just block his number if you were going to do that, it's just a thought.

Whatever you do, make the decision for you and not for him.  There are other people who can help him if he needs help. Is he worrying about needing to be there for you at the moment? Probably not if he's like most of the pwBPD we've all come across.

Like JackBlacknBlue says, put yourself first x

[honeysuckle]

I know the for me it was very difficult with the friend thing as well. to feel so very confused and lost and to not have anyone left when the relationship ended. I am sorry that you are in the same situation. this is a good place for you to not feel so alone. as others mentioned. NC is for you and needs to be when you are ready. there is no right answer. When you are ready you will know.

[seeking balance]

ce - as someone who has had to rebuild a life including friendships, I fully understand the pain, hopelessness and fear that comes when we find ourselves alone.  Having him contact you right now is only going to amplify that pain.

For me, understanding that I needed to not see or hear from my ex became first and foremost.  If you need to block him for you to have the space you need to heal, give yourself that gift.  Will it be scary and hurt and does it mean letting go - yes.  But hear me on this, it is going to hurt either way right now - so setting yourself up for the greatest chance to heal even if it feels sad or hard is using your wise mind in this time.

Loneliness - learning to be alone and eventually realizing it is ok took time for me.  Some days leaning into that pain really did look like a lot of tears.  Other days, it looked like putting myself out there and going to a meetup where I didn't know anyone or joining a yoga studio and actually talking to strangers.

Rebuilding sometimes means you have a pity party - that is ok.  For all the people that I have seen come and go on these boards, I can tell you - that pity party will have an end time... . and you will feel whole, maybe moreso than any other time in your life.

Peace,

SB

[crookedeuphoria]

Littleleft, No, I have not tried not reading them. When I get the alert from my phone that I have a text, I look at it sideways as if there is a spider there, hoping against hope that it isn't him. LMAO is he worrying about needing to be there for me. No. Not even a little bit  

I know for me I didn't block the person's number for my own sake - keeping the last thread of possible connection there.  You have to do what is best for you when you are ready.  It is an addiction.  If you follow the text book responses, you should block his number.  But life isn't text book.  You will have to decide for yourself what boundaries you're ready to uphold. 

Whatever you decide to do, put yourself first - not the addicted self - but the one you knew before all of this happened.  What would that person do in this case?

This is a very profound question JackBlacknBlue. What would that person have done? Well, that person was very compassionate and would never have turned someone away who needed help. BUT, that person also stood up for herself and didn't allow people to treat her like crap.

I think, for the moment, not blocking his number is what works best for me. At least it will allow me to see where he is on the dysregulation scale. If that becomes too difficult, then I will block it. In the meantime, I will try to figure out how to change his alert so that it is different from the others so at least I won't be blindsided.

[Littleleft]

 . Hope today is a better day for you 

[crookedeuphoria]

Thanks Littleleft. You too.

[crookedeuphoria]

Last night was really rough. I cried more than I think I have ever cried in my life. On top of that, I got a letter saying that I am having an inspection at work in a couple of weeks which totally freaks me out because, due to this mess, I am really far behind on work stuff and can't imagine trying to get it all straightened out during this grieving period. HUGE anxiety. Plus, my house is just trashed and I have no energy to deal with it.

How do you all function? I mean, just the day to day stuff? Do you just force yourselves to do everything that needs to be done?

[seeking balance]

How do you all function? I mean, just the day to day stuff? Do you just force yourselves to do everything that needs to be done?

Have you gone to your physician?

Many of us have used short term meds to help with day-to-day stuff. 

[crookedeuphoria]

I was going to start another post but figured I've started enough of them already. 

I understand that this is an addiction, or at least I have read that it is. What I don't quite get is why it feels like I am actually physically withdrawing from a drug. Like there are toxins leaving my body. What is that?

[seeking balance]

I understand that this is an addiction, or at least I have read that it is. What I don't quite get is why it feels like I am actually physically withdrawing from a drug. Like there are toxins leaving my body. What is that?

Could be, yes

Again, have you gone to your Dr. to discuss your symptoms?  There may be short term solutions to help you function with your job and life.

[crookedeuphoria]

No, I don't have a doctor or health insurance. And very little money. I usually go the holistic route when I am ill.

[jibber]

How do you all function? I mean, just the day to day stuff? Do you just force yourselves to do everything that needs to be done?

Personally, yes, pretty much... .

I just came home from work and i am trying to think what to do with the time until i go to bed. I don't feel motivated for anything since the breakup.

Nevertheless, like yesterday and the day before... . i will force myself to do exercise later and cook something healthy, prepare my stuff for tomorrow, etc. Then i'll sit around on the couch hanging in thoughts, trying to distract me... . whatever. It all still feels like a struggle mostly, but i just keep forcing it in hope that it will get better someday again.

Don't give up on yourself, keep your head up (even if you need to fix it into position with duct tape... . )! 

PS: I understand the friends issue too. I also had friends i regularly saw before this relationship. They all got demonized, lost most of them except one, but i see him only every other weekend or so... . it's tough to feel so alone i can relate completely.

[Littleleft]

It's perfectly normal to feel the physical withdrawal you're feeling, I read about it only the other day on a thread here on the biology of a break up:

Our brains are wired for bonding. Breakups challenge us biologically.  According to Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, everyone biologically reacts to rejection in a way similar to  that of a drug user going through withdrawal. In the early days and weeks after a serious breakup, there are changes in the ventral tegmental area of the midbrain, which controls motivation and reward and is known to be involved in romantic love; the nucleus accumbens and the orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex, part of the dopamine reward system and associated with craving and addiction; and the insular cortex and anterior cingulate, associated with physical pain and distress.


So don't give yourself a hard time.  And if you're not going to go and see a Dr and you prefer alternative approaches, how about trying St Johns Wort (although you do have to be careful if you are taking any other meds of course).  It's a natural mood booster which might help! 

[crookedeuphoria]

So I guess all of that is amplified like times a million when the break up is from someone with BPD? The anxiety and panic I am feeling is off the charts, seriously like I imagine someone who needs a fix of heroin would be like. And it almost has nothing to do with him. I am not ruminating, not missing him. I am just crying and struggling to breathe. And it feels like there is something missing, like I neeeeeeeeeeed something. It is horrible.

I just took some rhodiola that I had in my bathroom. I had bought it for him. Ha.

[jibber]

I can really recommend exercise.

Before when i came home i felt like all i want is go to bed and close the window blinds. Now 200 push-ups, 100 knee-bends, 50 crunches and some other stuff later, i feel much better and can muster up the motivation to cook and even bring myself to crack a little smile at myself in the mirror.

It doesn't have to be a lot, even just going for a walk will change your mood.

Be good to yourself.

[crookedeuphoria]

Okay jibber. If you can do it, I can do it, right?   I should probably eat something too. I forgot.

[Littleleft]

I should imagine the effect when BPD is involved is more heightened, as everything seems to be where its involved!

I agree with jibber that exercise does help, whatever you can make yourself do.  A walk is always good as it has the extra benefit of getting some vitamin D too.  I know that the gym classes I go to really help me burn off some of those stress hormones and release some much needed feel good endorphins!

Eating regularly and well is definitely a good idea too!

I hope the Rhodiola starts to make you feel a bit perkier soon.

[jibber]

Okay jibber. If you can do it, I can do it, right?   I should probably eat something too. I forgot.

Yes! I'm really small, slim, barely 60kg... . When i started i could do barely 10 push-ups! Like i say, it doesn't matter how much you do, even just a walk will lighten up your mood a little (or ease your mind). If you do start to exercise, remember to take it slow, rest every 2nd day, eat good!

Regarding food: I noticed good nutrition also helps the mind/psychological well being. I used to eat a lot of pizza, pasta, etc. Since i switched to eating more fish, chicken, vegetables... . Just this makes me feel better.

Eat good, go for a walk sometimes, etc... . It'll not take away the depression, but it'll give you a little boost nonetheless, you will be surprised.

Set small goals, just one... . Like: "i will walk around the block two times" or "i will do 3 push-ups". Achieve the goal and be proud! Next time raise the bar a little, and so on... .

Most of all, praise yourself and be proud of every little victory, even if its just taking out the garbage or clean the house.

These things will make you feel better about yourself i promise! Hang in there!

PS: Today i really didn't want to exercise. My mood was at an absolute low when i came home. I'm trying to say sometimes (a lot for me atm) you will have to push yourself, force yourself, to do these things. I can't do it every time and that's ok too. Small goals, don't be hard on yourself... . But kick yourself in the arse whenever you can manage... .