New to this site.

[purplicious]

Hello,

   I introduced myself in the other column and was advised to head over here with my questions. :-)

I find myself stuck when trying to find my values. I have changed them so much to please her, that I'm not sure what mine are anymore. Do I go back before her and decide what my values were and figure out which ones to keep and which ones can be changed? How do I look at it rationally to decide if it should be changed or if I'm just trying to please her? I know I have to stop trying to please her. I mean by giving up my "self "to change irrationally not that its right but its what works.

I hope you can understand what I'm saying I know I'm all over the place with my thoughts some times. Its just hard to make since when u have let the lid off the bottle of emotions that have been building up for two years.

I am just so HAPPY to have a place I can talk. I hope this will continue to be a safe place for me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[nothing]

My opinion again no expert but I am the product of having values lost.

Do not compromise your core values at all. You need to remain true to them they are what make you who you are. A relationship is based on accepting each others values not changing them. Values are how you live act and how you generate happiness.

BPDs want you to be nothing so having their SO compromise values or drop them altogether is just one step down a path of torment and unhappiness.

My top three core values were: Trust, Loyalty, Honor

I would be curious as to know what values you think are being taken away or compromised.

[formflier]

Hello,

   I introduced myself in the other column and was advised to head over here with my questions. :-)

You made it over here!  Good job.   

I'll let some others answer some questions. 

Make sure and go back and check the status of your "newbie" post.  Turkish provided some really good insight.

[mace17]

I am pretty new here too so I don't have any answers yet as I am still muddling through all this, but I totally understand where you are coming from.  I feel like I have given up so much of "myself" that I am not quite sure who "me" really is anymore.  I did try counseling for awhile, but as I started to find "me" again it just caused more conflicts, and my H shut that down.  So I'm not quite sure where to go from here, feeling lost and confused.  This board is very helpful though and there are lots of opportunities to learn and get support.  Welcome 

[waverider]

When I first came here I had a wish list of changes a mile long, with no idea of priorities.

Attempting to change all this at once is impossible without full scale war on many fronts, whilst at the same time having no idea how to go about it.

So I started rambling with all the "and another thing... " statements. This has to happen first then as you learn and discuss with others some sort of order starts to form.

You will learn to understand there 3 basic issue levels. Basic "core"/ethical/morality issue that chew at the foundations of who you are. These are often buried under the second layer which are in effect symptoms of these core issues.

Then there are the third layer issues, these are minor irritations that you may overlook in someone else, but coming on top of everything else they just add weight.

Discovering the first layer core issues and concentrating on addressing them one at a time is your start point. Many of the second layer issues will fall into place as a result. The third layer you just adopt a bit splice of acceptance over these.

You will refine these as you progress.

Start with

~I will not expose myself to abuse

~ Stop getting into pointless conflict and making things worse than they need be

~Spend more time redeveloping your own interests and opinions, you own head space.

What are you values? They will be what makes you feel ill at ease when crossed. They will not be what they once were, as you will have changed, along with your perspective.

Take you time to get involved, it takes a while to see your path clearly

[formflier]

You will learn to understand there 3 basic issue levels. Basic "core"/ethical/morality issue that chew at the foundations of who you are. These are often buried under the second layer which are in effect symptoms of these core issues.

Then there are the third layer issues, these are minor irritations that you may overlook in someone else, but coming on top of everything else they just add weight.

Can you give an example of a secondary issue?

I need to try and organize some things in my life.

So I would say that corporal punishment has become a 1st layer issue.

I think I just experienced a third layer issue... . I tried to call uBPDw and her phone was off.  I can tell by how it goes to vm.  She is and has been incompetent at keeping a device charged.  I don't hound her about it.  Yet... if she calls me and doesn't get me... . text bombs and weird vms start happening.  I ignore and move along.

So... . I put down the phone after I called her... . even though I was alone in my office... I muttered outloud something about her being an incompetent b$t@h... . without even thinking.

I took a sip of coffee... . thought to myself the phone thing is really a trigger of mine... . and then when about things.  It mattered to me for about 5 min or so.

Do you think phone thing was 3rd level "spice issue"

[nothing]

Phone charging falls under responsibility. Missed calls, txts that go unanswered because you are at work busy gets to be a distorted value of phone courtesy. I say distorted because people think because we have all this technology we need to be available every second of the day. Courtesy must be paired up with patience.

[formflier]

Phone charging falls under responsibility. Missed calls, txts that go unanswered because you are at work busy gets to be a distorted value of phone courtesy. I say distorted because people think because we have all this technology we need to be available every second of the day. Courtesy must be paired up with patience.

Yep... I agree... . and as many have discovered... . pwBPD are usually responsible for very little.

In my case... . I train on ... . and train people to use some very complex machines... . I'm all about human machine interface... . blah blah blah...

Yeah... I've been there... . done that... . had many a BPD blowout over that... .

[waverider]

Covering up and blame shifting is often a second layer issue. The core issue driving this is living in endless conflict and abuse, together with complete lack of respect for each other. Reaction leading to counter reaction. You both view each other as the 'enemy" at times. It is their auto defense system at work.

Once you start to not react as much and can avoid much of the needless conflict and get out of trench warfare living, their defense trigger is not as sensitive. These secondary issues, although maybe not eliminated will, not be as severe.

Addressing the core problem (reactive conflict) is the first place to start.

[formflier]

Addressing the core problem (reactive conflict) is the first place to start.

OK... . I'm tracking with this. 

Basic theory is that she "acts"... . and I don't "react"... . or if I "react"... . it is not with conflict... . that I "don't take the bait.

[waverider]

Basic theory is that she "acts"... . and I don't "react"... . or if I "react"... . it is not with conflict... . that I "don't take the bait.

It is however a lot easier to say than to automatically put into practice, but it gives you something to aim for. Once you can stop making things worse, a lot of other aspects start slotting into place and you can see things more objectively.

The whole thing is a big tangle of knots, and if we keep pulling at all the loose threads at once it only gets harder. Find the true ends and slowly unpick them, and leave the rest of it alone.