Is it normal not to cry?

[wake up]

It's been 8 days since uBPDex bf worst rage and me telling him I never want to see his face again.  He has sent an email asking to see me, and I told him no, never again.   I still haven't cried... . Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.  I even WANT to cry, but can't even force myself.  I don't feel emotionally dead inside, still laughing and joking with friends (the odd blank state here and there).

I also starting stalking him online, well not so much him but I was looking to see if he has badmouthed me etc cos I'm very afraid of that, and checking if he has done anything with certain videos he might have.

I really don't want to get back with him, I'm sure of it.  But now I'm worried what if not crying means I haven't really accepted the end? I usually cry when we break up that's all.  Of course I miss him, naturally, but not enough to ever go back.

[Littleleft]

I've been thinking the exact same thing myself this morning.  I only broke up with my BPDexbf yesterday and had expected to cry a lot after.  But I haven't.  Not yet anyway.  In fact I slept better yesterday evening than I have for the previous few nights since things really blew up this time.  It wasn't a great nights sleep, granted, but it was a bit better.

Even when I was talking to my parents about it yesterday before we actually broke up (and I tend to get upset talking to them, letting it all out I suppose!) i realised I wasn't nearly as upset as I have been in the past when things have got out of hand or been particularly difficult between us.  In the past I have been very upset when speaking to them, but yesterday I didn't cry very much at all.   And then no crying since we actually split up.

So I was wondering if it might be because, this time, I truly know it's the right thing to do and as I've been thinking about it for a while I suppose I've been doing a lot of the crying in the months in the run up to the break up.  I'm sure there will be times in the future when I will cry looking back at what's happened, but at the moment I'm not feeling like I need to and I thought I would.

I also think it was made easier for me as the last bit of contact I had with him as we split up was him being angry and unpleasant and telling me 'you're nothing' as he walked out the door, so it reinforced to me that breaking up was the right thing to do.

Do you think that might be the case with you? That you have accepted it and you are more prepared for it than you realise?

It sounds to me like you're not stalking him at all, just trying to keep an eye on if you're being painted black or if he's done anything else to try to embarrass you or make you feel bad.  It might be a good idea to stop looking though, just in case you see anything that might draw you into contact with him.

Good luck with moving forward.  You've been very brave to make this step and I wish you the best of luck for your future 

[kba1969]

Perfectly normal, I got a lot of my tears out of the way all the other times!  My xBPDgf has split me black, even though I treated her like a princess.  It's there defense mechanism.  I sometimes think about what story she has made up about me.  They choose who they tell this story to I'm sure.  I think that's the hardest thing for me to grasp.  I caught her in many lies and in the end called them out, spelled it all out for her.  Told her what I knew, who she cheated on me with, told her she hurt me.  I was split black instantly, that was a month ago.  As far as my emotions, I'm feeling stronger and am accepting the stages as they come.  I'll probably cry again someday

[antjs]

sometimes it feels good after crying. i broke up with my ex and next day i felt relieved. i was like "yay i am free. i am out of this hell." i did not cry. she attempted a recycle one day later (not so much time to process any feelings) and i was back into a recycle for another week. she dumped me after that. i did cry. maybe because she was the one who dumped me and not vice versa as before. you always want what you cant get. maybe i would have cried if i wasnt back for a recycle but it just needed some time to process. now 3 months NC and i miss the ability to cry that i had during the first few weeks. it relieves a lot of sadness. it processes a lot of anger, grieve and take away a lot of FOG.

i think you know the 5 stages of grieve. maybe you are still in denial ? maybe your mind need more time to fully realize that your ex is out of your life ?

during my first stages of healing, there was an up period. i was out with friends. i told my friend (he went through an abusive relationship before) that i am glad that i feel happy and that the sad phase is gone so fast. he gave me an usual smile and he was like "no. but embrace and enjoy the time when you are happy and know that time will pass and everything is gonna be ok when you are sad." he was right. lots of ups and downs happen during the healing. i am not scaring you. i am trying to help you see the big picture. lots of joy out there on the other side that we are trying to reach to.

[wake up]

[quote author=Littleleft link=topic=227299.msg12448171#msg12448171 date=

I also think it was made easier for me as the last bit of contact I had with him as we split up was him being angry and unpleasant and telling me 'you're nothing' as he walked out the door, so it reinforced to me that breaking up was the right thing to do.

Do you think that might be the case with you? That you have accepted it and you are more prepared for it than you realise?


Good luck with moving forward.  You've been very brave to make this step and I wish you the best of luck for your future  [/quote]
Yes you might be right there! I discovered BPD just after the breakup, although I knew it was something before, nothing fit perfectly, or he displayed signs of so many disorders hehe.  :)iscovering BPD made me lose all hope for the relationship because it has got worse.  Many of the recommended things for how to handle someone with BPD was already what I had learned to do myself in 18 months.  It's so draining though: everyone time he asked me an odd question I would know immediately he's playing a game, sometimes I played along just to see where he was going, give him different answers to teach him a lesson etc but usually I stopped him in his tracks and asked 'What is it you really want to know? What are you really trying to ask me? Just ask me directly and I will tell the truth, don't play games.'  H

His behavior got worse and he does not soul search during breakups, just blames my behavior (all that cheating I do in his head only) I guess when we are informed about BPD, we haven't had any luck helping them (they have to want it even more than us!), we can leave and it's not heartbreaking... .

I agree with the last image of them being angry- my exa face when he smashed my furniture! Scary! Every time I miss him I get the same image pop into my head like a warning.

Good luck to you too little left,  stay strong  and positive x

[wake up]

Perfectly normal, I got a lot of my tears out of the way all the other times!  My xBPDgf has split me black, even though I treated her like a princess.  It's there defense mechanism.  I sometimes think about what story she has made up about me.  They choose who they tell this story to I'm sure.  I think that's the hardest thing for me to grasp.  I caught her in many lies and in the end called them out, spelled it all out for her.  Told her what I knew, who she cheated on me with, told her she hurt me.  I was split black instantly, that was a month ago.  As far as my emotions, I'm feeling stronger and am accepting the stages as they come.  I'll probably cry again someday

Kba1969 I guess you're right, maybe my tears have dried up a bit.  Certainly each recycle had less affect on me over time. 

Yes they talk to people as a way of bonding, when I met him I was told a story of how a girl had treated him recently-red flags!)so your ex gf will be out there telling people that you accused her of cheating... .   My ex bf told his friend I had cheated on him (kissing a few people over the countless times when we were broken up) fortunately he never did that again after I told him the rumor got back to me.  He immediately corrected his friend (even if he didn't believe it himself) and ensured my reputation was intact. 

I'm a little bit sensitive on the cheating thing because that's what my ex accused me of constantly, trying to prove my innocence was impossible so I was unfairly treated and punished.  You need to have solid evidence of your ex gf cheating before you accuse though, otherwise she will twist it and make you out to be the bad guy! With evidence she will just ignore it and mention other 'bad things you've done' even those that were a normal response to her wicked behaviour.

[Littleleft]

Thank you wake up 

[wake up]

i think you know the 5 stages of grieve. maybe you are still in denial ? maybe your mind need more time to fully realize that your ex is out of your life ?

during my first stages of healing, there was an up period. i was out with friends. i told my friend (he went through an abusive relationship before) that i am glad that i feel happy and that the sad phase is gone so fast. he gave me an usual smile and he was like "no. but embrace and enjoy the time when you are happy and know that time will pass and everything is gonna be ok when you are sad." he was right. lots of ups and downs happen during the healing. i am not scaring you. i am trying to help you see the big picture. lots of joy out there on the other side that we are trying to reach to.

Eek but thanks for the warning, its a bit like the calm before the storm then I guess.  Thankyou for preparing me for it, now I won't mistake that sadness (when it comes) for wanting to get back with him.  Maybe I'm waiting for it to really sink in.  Maybe I'm not crying but today I've lay in bed and smoked (in my flat near my uni-not in my house with the kids) and that's something I only do when the breakup feels real.  The hard thing is even though I asked him to stay away from me and never contact me I'm so used to him trying to recycle that even that not happening leaves an empty feeling... . Ah we get so messed up from these relationships!

My finals next week- almost impossible to focus and study, just hoping I can switch off from this a few days and put studies first!

[Red Sky]

Good luck with the finals!

No crying here either. For me breaking up meant it was self-preservation time. Ending the angst not prolonging it. In the case of my uNPDexbf I had been preparing to leave for three months. Shortly after I did said breaking up, a guy at my work heard me venting to a friend about it, and then he asked me out, so not only did I not cry, I also had another date within an hour. No guilt

[wake up]

Good luck with the finals!

No crying here either. For me breaking up meant it was self-preservation time. Ending the angst not prolonging it. In the case of my uNPDexbf I had been preparing to leave for three months. Shortly after I did said breaking up, a guy at my work heard me venting to a friend about it, and then he asked me out, so not only did I not cry, I also had another date within an hour. No guilt

Wahoo you go girl! Sounds like you were ready for the breakup and got everything clear in your head first. I guess if you want out for as long as we did your heart heals pretty quickly.  I listened to some great uplifting break up songs today and got myself in a better space- speaking if which I will start a thread on that, it really helps!