I feel like I no longer "love" my BPDd. No warm fuzzies here Am I the only one?

[theplotthickens]

The daily hateful comments, sarcasm, bullying, lying, unwillingness to cooperate in the smallest way have me emotionally numb.  My daughter has showed and told me how much she hates me everyday for the past 5 years.  I used to reach out and do anything I could to try to win her love.  Now, there is nothing left, and I don't like being around her because she is mean.  I have given up trying to be good enough to somehow win her over.  I feel like I am just surviving.

How to you generate genuine love, and warm feelings, to someone who continuously targets you and makes life miserable?

I feel so guilty about my lack of feelings for dd.  She has always been oppositional, irritable, and difficult, but the full-on hatred began when she was 12 and had been going on 5 years now.  I am emotionally burned out.

I am doing the right things, and mostly saying the right things, but don't "feel it" in my heart.  I feel so guilty about this!  I feel compassion for her, but we are miles apart, and despite my will to do different, I am detached from her because of all the emotional abuse.  She tells me and shows me everyday how much she hates me.  For example, over the weekend she threw a full length mirror at me, which shattered and left me with a few bruises, but no cuts, thank God!  I try to practice forgiveness, and offered her some homemade soup that night, but she told me what I cook is "disgusting."  She looks and me and talks to me like I am vermin. She calls me names like B**** and c*** and uses every opportunity to put me down. Consequences do not result in a change in her behavior; it only intensifies the hatred. We have done behavior modification, rewards, consequences, ignoring it -- nothing changes her decision to target me.

On an intellectual level, I know that she is targeting me and deflecting her unhappiness onto me.  Emotionally, that knowledge doesn't help.  I am shut down emotionally, and I feel terrible about it.  I think my brain is shutting down because I can't tolerate the hurt.  This unwanted sense of detachment is new, in the past year or so.

I feel *immense* guilt about my feelings, and lack thereof. I am doing my best, but I feel like a complete zero as a parent.  Any thoughts?  Am I alone here?  How do you overcome this guilt?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[theplotthickens]

    I should add that I did call Crisis and talk to her social worker over the week-end regarding the mirror incident.  We are meeting today to talk about options.  When I have called the police in the past, they have not been supportive, nor have they been willing to charge her.  She talks her way out of it, and this has obviously not helped the aggression.

[jellibeans]

oh theplotthickens

I think there are alot of us that can identify with what you are feeling. When my dd is at her worse and is the most abusive towards me. It is then that I know she is struggling the most.

I really try not to take anything she says or does personally. That is the disorder talking not my daughter. She struggles with relationship with everyone and why should I be any different.

I do think you need to set some boundaries with your dd... . I don't think I could tolerate verbal abuse like that constantly... . everyday! What is your response when she says these hurtful things? I would actively remove myself from these kind of encounters and try to reduce her opportunity to attack me verbally.

I think it comes down to radical acceptance... . I feel I am calmer these days because I do think I accept that my dd has problems and she always will. I don't have great expectations of her and that makes less conflict for sure.

I do think our dd's love us... . just not right now and that is okay... . time will go on and I do know there will be better days a head. I feel once my dd is out of the house she will realize how good she had it and she might be more loving at that point... . I am not holding my breath but I do think that is a possibility. If you are burnt out then I feel you are not doing enough for yourself right now. I personally need that time away from my dd to recharge.

[theplotthickens]

I do think you need to set some boundaries with your dd... . I don't think I could tolerate verbal abuse like that constantly... . everyday! What is your response when she says these hurtful things? I would actively remove myself from these kind of encounters and try to reduce her opportunity to attack me verbally.

Yes, jellibeans, and so we do not spend much time together as she refuses to respect my boundaries.  It has resulted in detachment.   Also, she sometimes gets big and bad on purpose so that I will remove myself and she can do what she wants and have the space to herself.  

She refuses to go to her room when requested to, and so I have to remove myself.  She sees that as a win and as a way to control.

She can be sweet as pie to people when she "likes" them, so she is very capable of respecting people's boundaries if she is so motivated.  At least for a while.  

I do take care of myself, and feel I have a separate life from her at this point.  Hence, the guilt that I am not being much of a mom.   When we do spend time together, she is disrespectful and hateful, and becomes aggressive if confronted.  She is never the sweet girl who needs me that many describe on this board, unless she wants something and as soon as she gets it she turns nasty again.   I don't think she loves me in any way, for reals.   :'(

[jellibeans]

Maybe you are doing the hardest job right now and that is giving her space... . I would say that is a very good mom and I would not feel guilty about that for one minute.

I have given up on that fantasy... . that world where we go for pedi's together then go for lunch. I have no expectation of having that anymore or at least right now. I do have my older daughter and she is always up for an outing or lunch so I guess that helps me.

theplotthickens... . I feel you are detaching at this point because it is the best thing for you... . don't see that as a failure or have guilt about it. These kids can wear you down and I try not to get sucked into their disorder. My dd can also be extremely kind when she wants something then turn the very next moment. Always be watching for the manipulation and what is the real reason behind the behavior.

[InnerSpin]

I understand you, theplotthickens.

It has taken me 38 years to change my responses to my daughter. I have always, always been 'the fixer'. It has taken her children to (unwittingly) shake me out of this. At some point you have let go of guilt and responsibility. Your DD CAN behave properly, but she chooses to disrespect you - the one who wants to help her. There has to be consequences. In this case it is your own psych that is telling you to let go, detach from the emotion. Protect yourself.

[tristesse]

theplotthickens

Boy oh boy does this sound familiar. My BPDd30 has been both verbally and physically abusive to me, I am usually her target, and  I believe the reason for that is, because they know that no matter how horrible they are, and how out of control they get, we still love them. My own DD has called me every single profane word you can imagine, and probably some you can't. I used to cry, and get so depressed over these behaviors, but not so much anymore. I have learned that it is the illness, that she really, deep down, does not mean it. When she is at her worst, I know she is hurting the most. Just try and stay calm when your dd is acting out, respond in the appropriate ways, but understand she is not really upset with you, it's her BPD taking control, and she is hurting.

I hope you find some peace.

[mama72]

I know exactly how you feel, theplotthickens.

I have been rapidly detaching from my BPDD17, after years of abuse, drug use, lies, I am in self-preservation mode. I wonder if it is healthy or not? It borders on a loving detachment to an "I don't give a s*** anymore" attitude.

I have to admit, I feel better and my health is improving. My DD does not speak to me like your DD does, I would have a very difficult time dealing with that. Bless your heart and I hope you find some peace. Life should be more that just trying to survive.

[Kate4queen]

I think a certain detachment and numbness sets in after years of trying to cope with these impossible situations. I had to learn to detach from my BPD son 22 for my own self-preservation. And when I did, I found I learned not to take things so personally and parent with detachment and love. I never thought I'd get to that point, but for me it became easier when he moved out claiming we kicked him out of course.

Don't think badly of yourself. Sometimes you need to preserve your own sanity and health. I found when I stopped reacting to my son and giving him the emotional high and fight he wanted, things changed. I stopped feeling like a retreat meant he'd won. It just meant that I was no longer prepared to hurt myself for his benefit. It was a light bulb moment.

[HealingSpirit]

WOW!  Plotthickens, I got tearful when I read your post because I have also been feeling a detached lack of love for my BPDd17 for the past several months, though my detachment has been increasing since her puberty when she really started being mean and hurtful to me. This brings on tremendous guilt because the little voice in my head says, "What kind of mother doesn't love her child unconditionally?"  I am lucky to have a wonderful, close, loving relationship with my own mother, so in some ways, it hurts even more that I can't have that same relationship with my DD.  I loved spending time with my mom when I was a teen, so I have a hard time understanding why my DD hates spending time with me so much.  I think I'm starting to heal a little bit by coming here and REALLY recognizing it hasn't been me or anything I've done all these years. And your DD sounds ten times more challenging than mine, so I totally get why you feel blank.

I'm sure you did the best you could to help your DD.  I know I have, even though I unknowingly did the wrong thing(s) much of the time.  So, I'm trying not to beat myself up for feeling drained and sick of being her mom.  But I wanted you to know, you are not alone in feeling that lack of love.  I know I couldn't keep loving a dog that bit me every day.  But, since it's our child, the rules are different, even though the feelings are the same as if we've been repeatedly bitten.

I've been leaning pretty hard on my DH, who was home, but pretty emotionally absent through most of her life thus far.  It's time he stepped up to the plate because I just can't do it sometimes.  I think after 17 years of daily abuse and zero appreciation, it's no wonder I feel done. And my DD has never caused me physical harm like yours has done to you.

Just because we gave birth to them doesn't mean we have to like them, does it?  My DD has always made a point of doing the opposite of things I like.  It's like she purposely tried to make herself unlikable to me so we'd have nothing in common. Somewhere, buried under all the hurt and exhaustion, I know I love my DD and I'm sure you do too.  But I'm out of touch with that feeling for the time being.  I'm hoping it will come back someday, for all of us who are feeling this way. 

[peaceplease]

theplotthickens,

I felt like that several years, ago.  My daughter is 30, and she lived with me at the time.   She was 24 at the time. It felt hard to love someone who was so mean to me.  I felt guilty for despising my daughter.  That was about the time I started counseling. 

Unless, I got in the car and drove away, there was no getting away from her.  She would follow me into my room and continue with her rant.

Now, I can hear her say the same mean things, and they no longer affect me like they used to.  I reached the point where I know that is where she always goes when she rages.  They are her feelings in the moment.  She tells me that I should have learned how to be a mother from my sister.  And, I should have learned how to pick a decent guy from my sister.  All kind of things, from slamming my husband, and comparing me to my sister. She blames me for the problems they(her and my ds) have.  I know what she is saying is not true.  That is the way she feels.  Well, more so when she is raging.  Other times, I am the best!

My son and husband fear that she may be a sociopath.  I do not see that.  I see that she is hurt.  Although, she uses people, shamelessly.  Even her son, to get what she wants.  I will not elaborate here, as it would end up hijacking.

However, please be kind to yourself.  Have you tried counseling?  I highly recommend it.  And, if you do not feel it is helping, try another one.  Sometimes, it takes a few, to find one that is a good fit for you.  Hang in there.

peaceplease

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[co.jo]

A psychologist here has written a book called Healing from Hazardous Parenting which might be useful to read. I haven't read it myself, but I have met the author, and she walks the walk and talks the talk. She has adopted 12 kids herself, some of whom were very difficult, so she really knows how it feels.

Might be worth reading, you can google Brenda McCreight the adoption counselor, and you should get her website.

[theplotthickens]

Thank you so much everyone!  I am feeling much more at peace by voicing my emotions,, rather than bottling them up.  Thanks for taking time to be so supportive - you really make a difference!

[trainwreck4]

Hi there, I am also on the same path as you. I generally have detached myself from my BPD17 for the same reasons as you. Although the daily abuse etc... . Has stopped. What she does instead is put us in a situation that makes us look uncaring if we don't succumb to her manipulations. I don't know if this helps but when she was physically and verbally abusive, I didn't react either way. It was probably one of the biggest lessons I've learnned on this journey, and it was a tough one for me.   When she was physical, the police were called, but it sounds like you have tried that. If I was you I would continue with it. Physical abuse is not acceptable regardless of what is wrong with her. Eventually the police will send an officer that cares, or get sick of complaints. At least you will have a paper trail!  I too have struggled with the guilt of not feeling for her the way I should. But if she was diabetic, and was nasty to you when her blood sugars are out of whack, would you be as tolerant?  I understand this is a disorder, but I also think the responsibility lies with them to get treatment. In my case she is playing games with her therapist and not interested in healing. In Canada we are not allowed to know any of their medical information after the age of 12, without their permission. This has proved to be convenient for my girl, so all I can do is assemble what I think she needs for help, and the rest is up to her.  I have two other kids that have tourettes and ocd. We have always said this is not an excuse, or a crutch, and they are both thriving. I feel for you, this mourning period is so hard... .

[HealingSpirit]

I shared my "loss of love feelings" with my therapist.  He gave me a great response, so I had to share it with all of you... .

Love is MORE than the way we feel.  We also SHOW our love through our actions and our commitment.  Caring for our BPD offspring certainly requires that.  So even though we don't always feel it, we DO love them because we show it every single day. 

That helped relieve my guilt a bit.  I hope it helps all of you too.

:-)

[theplotthickens]

MANY thanks for sharing your thoughts and wisdom on this -- it really helps to know that I am not alone, and I am working on releasing this guilt.   I agree that love is more of a behavior than a feeling - and I really need to keep telling myself that!   

[muddypaws]

No you are not alone.  My husband and I feel the same way towards our 18 year old daughter.  We are exhausted from the lies, manipulation, constant worry and nasty abuse via text messages and Facebook messages when she doesn't get her way.  I have been kicked, punched and physically pushed and my husband and I have been emotionally ripped apart by our daughter.  We love her so much yet we cannot continue down this road anymore.  We have done everything possible to help our daughter short of having her placed in a therapeutic institution.   We are learning to detach with love and it is a terrifying roller coaster ride.  I can only offer you my support and let you know you are not alone. 

[parent of bpd daughter]

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It seems your BPD child is still a minor ? So you have to tolerate their behavior until you can successfully launch them into some semblance of adulthood where they can earn a living.

After that, you should give yourself a big pat on the back and try and rebuild your life.

My BPDD is 34 now (I think - I stopped counting) and I avoid her like the plague ... she thankfully lives in another state and has found a partner and other family that will tolerate her abuse (although her true self is still only shown to me and my younger daughter).

"LOVE" is a relative/subjective term. My "LOVE" means if she calls and asks for something reasonable (like recent $300 stroller for her child) - I write a check. My "love" is a checkbook for her ... that's my "radical acceptance" because I brought her into the world - I am obligated to try and make sure she "does no harm" to others - if that means writing checks now and then - whatever - that's my "love".

Sometimes LOVE means detaching and NOT enabling ... so if I feel her once yearly requests are unreasonable I don't do it.

I do have fantasies of moving to a different country and changing my identity - but I know I cannot run from my own thoughts.

At least her behavior has convinced my youngest daughter NEVER to have children - BPD is always a possible outcome.

Hindsight is 20/20 - not sure how many of us would have decided to have kids if we knew then what we know now... .