Stuck in the muck

[clover528]

Been on and off here for over a year. I am stuck. I know my issues, know the steps, know so much. I understand it. I do. But honestly, there are some days, none of that matters. I am completely stuck. I see his face more and more in my babies face. And although I never mentioned it before, my youngest son too. Its heartbreaking. I had so much invested in this man. Believed all the nonsense. For years, I believed it. I feel like this is some nightmare that I can't wake from! Like a bad dream where you are running from something or someone and not going more than a step while exhausting yourself from the effort to run. Reality is what I am wanting to escape. This reality. The sadness, the loss, the betrayal, the loneliness, the inner turmoil, the constant internal dialogue to attempt to encourage myself. The utter exhaustion of all of it. I get one message yesterday. Happy fathers day. He sends it while with his new wife and his family. I am here with my kids and ailing parent. I know I should be grateful he isnt involved. Well, It still hurts! I know I cant have it both ways.  I get that. He isnt safe by a long shot. The man i believed in and a part of this whole human he actually is, was all I ever wanted. But the small part will never be the whole. Letting go of the notion that what was, really isn't, totally stinks.

Sorry, I just have no one else to turn too. Also, sorry for the grammatical nonsense above. It just overflows sometimes. Thanks for reading this. I doubt there is advice for me. Its all here. Taking it. Another story.Thanks again family.

[clover528]

After reading here a bit, I see that maybe i am not as "stuck" as I thought. I just needed to realize where I am in this process. I am ANGRY. I have been so sad and hurt that I just realized the underlying anger in this post. I am finally pissed off! As a norm I dont allow myself this emotion.( FOO issues I have been dealing with.) I am feeling it. I never would allow myself to think vengeful or mean thoughts. I would push them down and deny them access to the forefront of my mind. Not anymore. I give myself permission to think it and feel it. Then I process it in a healthier manner and move on. I get up and go about my day. I am not obsessing like before either. It wasnt until I read some stories and reflected on my own stages of grief, I see i am making progress. Thanks to this board for the outlet and resources. Thanks for those who have read this. I hope one of you will read this and see you too are better off than you first imagined. This is so hard. Positive thoughts to all here.

Clover

[seeking balance]

Clover,

I am sorry you are struggling right now - it definitely is a process and some days are better than others.

Anger is necessary for grief - it serves a valuable purpose.

I give myself permission to think it and feel it. Then I process it in a healthier manner and move on.

Clover

This right here, good stuff 

We all do this, every day with different things, but this really is what having emotions is all about - energy in motion = emotions.

Peace,

SB

[clover528]

sb,

I try very hard to allow the emotions to just be. Today is a particularly difficult day. On this date 3 years ago, I found out I was expecting. He was with me. It was before things took a turn for us. It was so touching and sweet. I had never experienced anything like that moment with him. It was my perfect. Maybe thats why its so hard right now. Thank you for acknowledging my improvement. Thanks for all you replies.

Clover

[seeking balance]

sb,

I try very hard to allow the emotions to just be. Today is a particularly difficult day. On this date 3 years ago, I found out I was expecting. He was with me. It was before things took a turn for us. It was so touching and sweet. I had never experienced anything like that moment with him. It was my perfect. Maybe thats why its so hard right now. Thank you for acknowledging my improvement. Thanks for all you replies.

Clover

Yeah, memories can push buttons, especially the good ones.  I don't have it happen as much any longer, but it does.  The thing is, when we love someone - even when there is bad stuff - there were good times.

This day will pass - good for you to post and good for you to keep processing your feelings.

,

SB

[clover528]

I am finally able to feel right now. Everyone settled. I am so very sad. I know he is not feeling the same. It is just so hard. I want some acknowledgement from him that she matters to him.There is none. But he sends me vile things about nonsense. I dont understand that. This has been a major triggering day. More coincidences happened to remind me. I wont go into here. To many definite details to share. Its been a very very hard few days. Thanks again sb. I am trying to be strong. It helps posting.

[patientandclear]

Hi Clover -- I'm glad you're mad. I've finally been able to access deep anger about what happened in my BPD r/ship only in the past few months.  It's like I skipped that step while I was working so hard on understanding.  But often now, I'm really angry at how I was treated.  And how the other women in the chain, before and after me, were treated.

I remember some of the details of your story from a ways back.  You have very good reason to be angry.

I know what you mean, too, about the challenge of trying to integrate that justifiable anger at the awful aspects, with the tender and wonderful aspects like the moment you found out you were having a baby.  So hard.  It's just too much for our minds to believe that both ends of that continuum are the truth.