Do we tell them our list of boundaries?

[aspiegirl23]

With the setting of boundaries, I was reading people's lists of them and was wondering:

- Do we write a list of boundaries and give them to our partners?

- Or do we write the list for ourselves and just state that we don't want those things when they come up?

How does it work?

Thanks!

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[Stalwart]

I suppose it works differntly for everyone Aspie. I can only speak from my own experience and my own sensitivities.

How would you feel if you were an extremely sensitive person who may just hold deep feelings of worthlessness and inability if someone marched up with a list of demands and read out the riot act to you. What is that demand backed with - threats?

I find it better in my circumstance to work boundaries into common conversations. I'm more apt to tell my wife what she can expect from me in the way of common respect and tell her why she deserves that from me rather than confront her with a list of do's and dont's. I always reinforce boundaries with the fact that she deserves that as a wife and settling for less than that would be beneath her worth. There was a time when I thought that boundaries didn't need to be really discussed and thought they were a matter of common sense until I realized I wasn't really dealing with 'common' sense.

I've made a concerted effort now to ensure boundries are set, but like I said I address them in a non-confrontational way and one at a time and in a timely fashion that doesn't stick out as stressful or demanding. The lsit may be conceived as overwhelming and threats are just that - extremely threatening. I dislike ultimatums so I never throw them at other people. If I'm threatened with a harsh ultimatum you can rest assured you'd better mean that ultimatum, because you might just find yourself living in your own choice.

Like I said, we all have different circumstances and I don't go in with kid gloves because of any type of cowardliness or fear, it's out of respect for undertstanding her limitations and working within them to try and achieve positive outcomes.

I really wish you the best but there's one thing I learned for certain, boundaries are absolutely necessary to protect yourself, your wellbieng and in the long run ensureing you're protecting the same things for them if they value and want to stay in a healthy and good relationship with you.

Best of luck and lets us know how you made out. There's always something to be learned from other people's experiences.

[buterfly]

I have written and shared many boundaries with my husband. It seems like every time I shared them he would immediately dismiss, tear them up, or delete them.

I have come to the conclusion that they are my boundaries, and have since rewrote them for myself.  (Ex. I will not tolerate... . If this happens I will... . ) They help me in times of grief to re read, but without his help they are tough to stop from happening.

My advice would be to write them for you, but also think of what you will do when they are broken, because they will be broken.

[Grey Kitty]

My recommendation is that you just start enforcing boundaries. The pwBPD will figure it out soon enough, especially if you are consistent.

The key here is boundary enforcement. You take action which removes you from the consequences of their bad behavior. (i.e. leaving a verbally abusive situation.)

I'd recommend adding them one at a time... . and if you don't pick abuse as your first boundary... . you are likely to get abusive pushback over whatever you choose instead. Another good reason to start with verbal abuse.

If there are more significant consequences to your partner when you enforce the boundary, then I'd recommend stating your boundary first. For example, one member was being verbally abused while preparing food, and was going to just leave when this started... . however the pwBPD also had diabetes or other dietary restrictions, so not eating had more serious consequences... . in this case, there was a prior warning of some sort.

The problem with listing boundaries for your partner is that they will probably see it as a challenge, or an attempt to control them. Especially if it is a long list. No need to provoke that fight!

So what is your list of boundaries and what you plan to do to enforce yourself? I think you will get better feedback on a list of specifics than the general question.

[maxsterling]

I agree with Grey Kitty.  From the way I understand boundaries, they are your limits to protect YOU from hurt.  They aren't there to teach them or expect change from them.  When you give them a list beforehand, that's what you are doing, hoping it will change their behavior.  That will fail, and probably make things worse.  I also agree that the not sticking around for abuse is first and foremost, because without that, nothing else really matters.  And you shouldn't have to state this, because no reasonable human being can be expected to want to stick around when they are being berated and screamed at.  In other words, it seems silly to have to tell another adult "I don't want you to call me names."

I'm working on this myself, but am learning I need to put a stop to things much sooner than I have been.  Usually, her voice gets to hurtful screaming, when in reality just the slightest hint of sarcasm or cursing and I should tell her I will not be in the same room with her if she is acting that way, and leave.  And there is no reason to offer a lengthy explanation or even a warning, just tell her that I will not allow myself to be screamed at, and leave. 

[Vindi]

set boundaries for yourself and stick with them

whether you need to write them down for yourself only or write them and give them to him.

Boundaries are for you, and what you want and will not accept, they are not for controlling another person, it is for controlling what you want and need in your own life.

Stick with them, cuz if you don't, you will end up getting stepped on and feel a loss for your self esteem.

[ziniztar]

Hey aspiegirl and others,

I don't tell my boundaries (because I am a little bit afraid he will see it as a challenge). I've written them down in my diary, I've expressed them to good friends who then can monitor what I'm going through and wake me up when I'm not living by them.

However, depending of course on what state your pwBPD is in (at the moment and in general), I do explain them to him. I also say to him: 'do you see what is happening? You are trying to push me away because ... you got mad at me, are mad about anything in particular, xyz just happened." I'm trying to give him some insight into his own behaviour. In my case, it results in shorter cycles. Then again, he has accepted his diagnosis (which I think is a prerequisite for being able to speak like this).

Funny thing: the other day he got mad and turned that towards me. Usually he's not very mean/abusive. This time it was hilarious. I'm a vegetarian and all of a sudden he said: 'I'm going to eat a lot of meat, right in front of you." He was able to see that was ridiculous rather quickly as well 

[an0ught]

- Or do we write the list for ourselves and just state that we don't want those things when they come up?

A boundary as understood on this board is not complete without a plan of action under your control for the case that the line is crossed. We may at times want to communicate in advance where our boundaries are as it is polite to give advance warning. We have to trade off this courtesy concern against the risk of triggering or enabling game playing for little benefit when thinking about advance communication. If there is an adult on the other side we may gain something but we are dealing with a person which at times will e.g.

  - be unable to respect a communicated boundary

  - will use the knowledge of where the line exactly is to game us e.g. get a particular emotional reaction from our side

  - ...

Often we are best of knowing ourselves exactly where the line is and the other side being a bit uncertain. This gives a little leeway to react intelligently and take circumstances into account when taking action. This asymmetric information is not secrecy but is privacy protecting critical space for ourselves to make a decision. A clear line also allows us to quickly decide when to take action - the predetermination relieves us from having to constantly rethink stressful decisions.

[formflier]

Funny thing: the other day he got mad and turned that towards me. Usually he's not very mean/abusive. This time it was hilarious. I'm a vegetarian and all of a sudden he said: 'I'm going to eat a lot of meat, right in front of you." He was able to see that was ridiculous rather quickly as well 

Did he do it?

[ziniztar]

Did he do it?

Hahahaha no the moment passed quite quickly