She's 'remorseful' and 'in pain.'

[lauren2013]

I have been NC with my BPD mom for 7 months now.  It has been the best 7 months of my life, but also the hardest.  I thought I'd feel as free as I did that first day for the rest of my life, but really I feel mostly anxious and confused about if/when she will re-enter my life and how to keep her at bay.  That being said, it has been amazing not to have to worry about her unpredictable emotions, not to have to tiptoe around her during visits home, etc.  I didn't realize how much of my life was actually determined by "well, how will mom react to this?"  I don't miss having her in my life at all.  Sure, I get sad that I have no contact with my mom (and, inevitably, my dad), but I definitely think the benefits of NC far outweigh the negatives.

Anyway, my mom has not stopped trying to make contact.  I have a 9 month old baby so this was my first mother's day.  She sent me a HUGE bouquet of flowers and the card just said "love."  She's mailed cards to my husband, has sent me countless emails, leaves me voicemails randomly and every single thing she is saying/doing has been NICE (in theory).  She hasn't raged in her emails or on messages (like she often does), she has only said how remorseful and sad she feels and that she's "sorry." 

So here is my question:

What do I do?

I really don't feel like having contact with her and I am very happy with the way things are right now, but what more could she be doing to gain forgiveness?  She has apologized, admitted guilt, reached out with "love."  On the one hand I think I should reward this behavior and I am being evil by not contacting her when she is doing exactly what you're supposed to do when you do something wrong?  And on the other hand I'm thinking, this is EXACTLY what she has done for 31 years of my life and I'm not going to get sucked back into the drama.  I understand she is feeling remorseful, but it's not like she did ONE thing and is apologizing for it.  This whole NC thing is a result of YEARS of abusive language, rages, leaving us to go have an affair, and so on and so forth. 

I guess I am seeking validation here.  Logically I think "oh, when someone is wrong, this is what they do - they apologize and admit they were wrong and then you forgive them."  So I feel like a horrible person for not doing that with her.  But then the other part of me thinks "I don't want to have contact with her and she should have thought about all of this years ago... . until I feel like having her in my life, things will stay as they are."

What is the right thing to do here?  I'm so confused.   :'(

[charred]

If she is BPD... then remorseful is doubtful, and 'in pain'... is available on demand for anyone that will respond to it.

My father is not BPD... he is nasty malignant NPD... and I finally went NC with him about 14 yrs ago... . after he tried to cause my wife to miscarry so he wouldn't be a grandfather/old in the eyes of the young girls he was trying to seduce. I heard about him via my sister who kept in contact for my grandmothers sake... until he caused my grandmother's premature death, at which point everyone in my family quit having anything to do with him.

My mother is BPD... and I have LC with her so long as she is good, when she acts up... we leave and take longer before seeing or contacting her. It is unpleasant but I need to live my life as I see fit... and pleasing an impossible to make happy person was not cutting it. Regret what I didn't have; good parents, but I also fully accept that I don't have good parents.

You have to decide what you will do, but of the many regrets in my life that I have... ceasing contact with my father, and reducing it with my mother are not regrets... they were excellent decisions under the circumstances.

Found I mostly worried about things... till I read something interesting... worrying is a way to feel like you are doing something about a problem, to have it in your mind all the time... without actually doing a damn thing about the problem. It accomplishes nothing but wasting your time and giving you grief.

So... I regret the time I wasted worrying instead of taking action.

There are things that are unforgivable (my grandmother's cause of death for instance)... and others that can be accepted but not ignored or treated as "just fine"... like my mothers constant passive-aggressive mean and belittling behavior. I don't accept bad behavior from strangers or relatives, and I no longer worry about what she thinks... if she wants to see me and her grandkids, she has to be civil.

Good luck, its relating, an ongoing thing... not a frozen relationship that exists at just one point in time.  

[woodsposse]

 

I had to finally go NC with my mother.  After understanding her illness and the effects it had on me my entire life, I had no problem with cutting contact and ties with her.  My going NC wasn't a punishment for anything (and everything) she did which affected me negatively... . but a way for me to heal. 

I would suggest that your going NC is more for you (to heal) than it is to hurt her (or anyone).

Yes, people can be forgiven and people can make amends.  But that doesn't mean that you "automatically" have to give in to them because they feel bad.  The decision and choice is yours, and always has been (and always will be).

Maybe a good course of action would be to go LC.  If it suits your wellness, then there is nothing wrong with it.  If it starts to interferre with your wellness, then I'd say drop back to NC.  But again, do that for you - not because someone else is "in pain" and remorseful.

You are at the right place for support - and just know, you are not alone.

[littleln]

My mother in law also frequently acts very nice, sending cards etc for birthday and other events. She will also claim to be remorseful and in pain. However when asked what she is remoreseful for, she is utterly unable to articulate WHy she is remorseful and what she is sorry for. When pressed she will ask what she did that was SO bad and when you even hint at the truth, she gets defensive and starts drama. Ultimately... . she is remorseful and in pain, just not for what she should be. She is remoseful and in pain because we have stopped talking to her, not because she hurt our family and countless other people. Not because she stole. Not because she lied. She is simply remorseful and in pain because we no longer pay attention to her. Not saying this is the case with your mom, but pay close attention to exactly what she is saying. If my MIL could accurately articulate and apologize for even one nasty thing she has done, that would crack open the door. I'm an extremely forgiving person. But simple fact is she can't and we both doubt she ever will.

[P.F.Change]

What do you need, lauren2013?

What your mother is thinking and feeling may matter, but it is not the only thing that matters, and you do not have to put your needs aside in order to focus on taking care of hers. If you want to resume contact and try working on things, go for it. If you're not ready to do that right now, that's ok. You can take care of you.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Ziggiddy]

lauren2013

I am very sorry to hear that your calm has been interfered with in this way. Sometimes it can seem as though the pwBPD seems to appear just when everything is sweet and life is going well.

I really don't feel like having contact with her and I am very happy with the way things are right now, but what more could she be doing to gain forgiveness?  She has apologized, admitted guilt, reached out with "love."  On the one hand I think I should reward this behavior and I am being evil by not contacting her when she is doing exactly what you're supposed to do when you do something wrong?  And on the other hand I'm thinking, this is EXACTLY what she has done for 31 years of my life and I'm not going to get sucked back into the drama. 

  Logically I think "oh, when someone is wrong, this is what they do - they apologize and admit they were wrong and then you forgive them."  So I feel like a horrible person for not doing that with her.  But then the other part of me thinks "I don't want to have contact with her and she should have thought about all of this years ago... . until I feel like having her in my life, things will stay as they are."

It's understandable that you feel ambivalence as to what to do next. You are trying to apply logical reasoning as well as emotional reasoning. More importantly, you are empathising: thinking of how YOU would wish to be treated in a similar situation.

You mention twice that you don't really feel like having contact with her but you seem to think that this is not okay. You also use the words 'evil' & 'horrible' to describe yourself in relation to your NC decision. They are quite strong words. Are they YOUR words? Or are they words you have been programmed to think of when you make a decision that is not in line with your mother's wishes?

Remorse is one thing - being sorry is actually the 'easiest' part. The next step is turning around and doing works that clearly demonstrate that the remorse 'holds'

You have experienced your mother's 'remorse' for 31 years. You have quite a track record of proven behaviour. Now I'm not saying you should or shouldn't change your circumstance with your mother, but you definitely want to pay attention to what your heart and gut are telling you.

You might want to ask yourself what outcomes you hope for with either decision being as specific as possible. You've no doubt been through that wringer before when you originally decided on NC. Are you willing to revisit the factors that led you there and perhaps review them in light of current events?

Also useful can be imagining out a best/worst case scenario in either direction to help you decide what would be most beneficial to you and your child.

As a mother yourself, you no doubt wish to protect your child but in truth there is a r/ship that exists between them that is independent of you. It's a hard decision to make whether you feel it is safe to support that grandmother/grandchild r/ship or if it's in your and your child's best interests to limit it or even prevent it.

Again there is a middle ground that is worth considering - the so-called 'medium chill' avenue. You might be able to create conditions under which you attempt a moderate/low contact trial with boundaries that you are comfortable with and see if your mother is willing to observe consistently to demonstrate that she is bona fide.

It is unlikely in any case that your mother will 'turn around' and experience deep core change without acknowledgement of her condition and motivated application to recovery. I'm not saying it's not possible but that you would take that into consideration

A final note is that it's YOUR life and YOUR happiness that you are completely entitled to and you really should be as happy as you possibly can. Ambivalence tends to steal joy and once you decide on your course you will no doubt be happier.

And you can change your mind at any time you want to!

I wish you the best of luck in  finding an answer that leads you to a contented mind

[patsmaiz]

I think you will get it now or you will get it later.  But, cutting off is much healthier.   The fact is that you normally do not need to reward positive behavior like apologies.  If you need to reward that, I am guessing the apologizer has not truly made amends.  You sense that and feel reacting positively will make it real.  You will know when someone's apology is real because a sincere person would put you first and be willing to set you free, let you go.  That's how you can discern between illusion and reality.

[Valley Quail]

Hi lauren2013,


I have struggled greatly with this over the last 18 years with my BPD mom. It's easier to keep no contact when they are unreasonable, belligerent, or abusive. When they are being sweet, kind, and apologetic, it's so much more difficult to keep no contact. I would often feel like I would be a bad person if I didn't accept the "remorse" and let her back in.


But remember that it is totally possible and okay to forgive someone and not be in regular contact with them. Sometimes we have to do what's right for us and not everyone else. It may feel wrong and painful to keep her at bay when she is being kind and apologetic, however with people who have this personality disorder, the regular ways that work in other situations don't work well when dealing with them. They are prone to abuse regardless of the kind things they may be doing at the moment.


Some of the worst pain I have felt is from accepting the "remorse" and letting my mom back in, only to have her betray and abuse me once again... . and even worse than before. It ended up setting me back in many ways and it cost me precious time and energy needed for myself, my life and goals. To make matters worse, I could have prevented it (if I had known that because of the personality disorder, the abuse would most likely continue... . regardless of the kindness she showed at the time.) Do what's right for you and is in your best interest. You are worth it.

[patsmaiz]

Hi lauren2013,


I have struggled greatly with this over the last 18 years with my BPD mom. It's easier to keep no contact when they are unreasonable, belligerent, or abusive. When they are being sweet, kind, and apologetic, it's so much more difficult to keep no contact. I would often feel like I would be a bad person if I didn't accept the "remorse" and let her back in.


But remember that it is totally possible and okay to forgive someone and not be in regular contact with them. Sometimes we have to do what's right for us and not everyone else. It may feel wrong and painful to keep her at bay when she is being kind and apologetic, however with people who have this personality disorder, the regular ways that work in other situations don't work well when dealing with them. They are prone to abuse regardless of the kind things they may be doing at the moment.


Some of the worst pain I have felt is from accepting the "remorse" and letting my mom back in, only to have her betray and abuse me once again... . and even worse than before. It ended up setting me back in many ways and it cost me precious time and energy needed for myself, my life and goals. To make matters worse, I could have prevented it (if I had known that because of the personality disorder, the abuse would most likely continue... . regardless of the kindness she showed at the time.) Do what's right for you and is in your best interest. You are worth it.

I have found this exact same thing.  It seems with some people, when you give them another chance, they abuse you worse than before.  It's like they feel they got away with it.  I don't understand it.  I just notice it.

[Valley Quail]

Hi patsmaiz,

You are exactly right. Thank you for that helpful reminder.

[Botswana Agate]

Something I keep telling myself is "forgiveness does NOT equal reconciliation".  I have to keep telling myself that all the time, daily, in fact.

[lauren2013]

Thank you for your replies.  Do any of you struggle with thinking that maybe you are wrong and the person (my mom in this case) is not really BPD?  I KNOW that she is not well and I have had this confirmed time and time again, but every once in a while I read something on the boards and think "oh wait, my mom didn't do that to me... . maybe she's not that bad and I am the crazy one!"

Charred- I full agree with you.  Worrying is simply a waste of time.

Woodsposse - You are absolutely right when you say "I would suggest that your going NC is more for you (to heal) than it is to hurt her (or anyone)."  I feel like I am doing something wrong... . like I am a bad person... . but then I realize that I'm not trying to do anything TO her... . I am only protecting myself.  I am so used to thinking about HER feelings first that it feels odd to think about my own and realize that they are just as important as hers are!

Littlein- My mother will apologize sometimes, but do it in a passive aggressive way where she is either making an excuse or revoking her apology subtly.  Most of the time she does not apologize, though.  I just don't feel like opening the door right now and I hope that's an OK decision even though she is trying to get in.

PF Change - that is exactly what I needed to hear.  Thank you.

Ziggiddy- you are absolutely right and I thank you so so much for your reply.  I am always doing things - even now while I have no contact with her! - based on how she'd react or what I think she'd feel, say, etc.  I am still so afraid of her even when she is in her weakest position.

Patsmalz - I love what you said.  Very, very true.  Even the fact that she cannot leave me alone shows her true sense of self-entitlement.

Valley Quail - thank you.  You are absolutely right which is why I am not going to make any decisions right now to change the current state of the nation. 

[Botswana Agate]

What I struggle with is, "maybe I should loosen up and give her another chance". . . then all I have to do is read through the e-mail folder titled "mom crap", and realize nope, *I'M* not the one who was wrong.  I'm not the one who wrote the original death-threat e-mail full of accusations and histrionics, and the resulting e-mails chock full of crazy when she realized she wasn't getting her way. 

If you find yourself wavering, maybe doing something like that--looking through past incidents of crazy--might help you?  ((HUGS))

[Valley Quail]

Hi Botswana Agate,


Those are great tips... . remembering that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation and to look through past incidents of crazy when finding yourself wavering. Thanks.