Article about Men and Abusive Relationships

[Artisan]

One of the hardest things for me to recognize was the abusive nature of the relationship.

As a man, to even think consider I was being abused was unthinkable.

The crazy making behavior of a BPD is abusive, even if it isn't always intentional or recognized as abuse by the partner.

This is an interesting blogging, and I am linking it because it may be helpful for some.

www.goodmenproject.com/featured-content/invisible-victims-men-abusive-relationships-hesaid/

[Red Sky]

I think that this is a great article. It is very difficult to accept a relationship is abusive because nobody wants to think of themselves as the victim. As a woman I find it difficult to accept BECAUSE I have spent so much of my life trying to bust out of traditional gender roles. But as a guy I can imagine it is even harder.

When you are stuck in an abusive relationship you will find any excuse to stay and to believe it's not abusive which is why articles like this are so important. Admitting it is a big step to recovery and walking away without qualms. It is vital to be able to recognise that abusive behaviour is abusive even if it is not intentionally abusive.

The other group I feel could really use this kind of articles is teenagers. The British government recently launched a campaign about abuse in teenage relationships but it mainly focused on physical violence and overt threats... . I was disappointed that they made it so shallow, when it's such a vulnerable and insecure time in your life without the added uncertainty of a dodgy relationship.

[Tausk]

The topic is a common one on the Board, which is good because it again lets me know I was part of a pattern for the Disorder.   

For me, a part of my recovery has been to validate the abuse within my interaction with my ex.  But also to not take a victim role in that I could not do anything. There are real victims.  For me, I was a volunteer for the abuse.   I showed back up with my ex even after she started to discard me, scream at me, gas light me, cultivate interest with other men, isolate me, has tantrum with my family and friends... .

It was the FOG and FOO issues.  So much of the above was familiar due to my childhood.  So I walked into the interaction with my ex and then it felt like that was the way things just were.

I did suffer abuse.  I did suffer from an abusive interaction.  But I was not a victim in that I was held hostage.  I did not even have children to protect.  I was just too scared and too confused to leave.  I didn't really know that I deserved better.

But that has changed today.  So I have to have compassion for my lack of self awareness, and forgive my actions of repeatedly going back for more abuse, and then I can begin to look at forgiving my ex, when the time is riight.

[Madison66]

Good article and some points that resonated with me.  I allowed myself to endure a ton of emotional abuse during my 3+ year r/s with uN/BPD ex gf that ended up going physical at the end.  The point about men not feeling we have a place to go or a forum to be heard is right on.  I also encountered severe gender bias in couples T sessions.  I'd attempt to explain situations where my ex gf would use her emotions to manipulate and one counselor said I was being too sensitive and that my ex should be able to express her feelings.  I would just get pissed sitting there and then the counselor would call me out for being angry.  The T did ask my ex gf if she'd ever been tested diagnosed with NPD or BPD and my ex said no.  The T left it alone.  I later found out from her ex H that there may have been a diagnosis in college (where they met).  

I recall the last session I ever attended with my ex gf about two months before I finally cut the cord for good.  About four days earlier, we'd had a session where I was starting to call her out for rewriting history about recent events.  I also explained in the session that I was distracted by my Mom's health issues and just wasn't there mentally.  Later that day, I received the news from a sibling that my Mom had been diagnosed with stage 4 Alzheimer's.  I was 2000 miles away and was on and off the phone dealing with my siblings and rallying everyone to attempt to get movement going for my Mom to go into assisted living.  Also that evening, my ex gf was all over me to get together and talk about the session.  I made time for us to meet and talk the next day, but she couldn't get child care for her kids.  This upset her and she was taking it out on me (nothing new).  Well, at 11:45pm while I was getting ready for bed and totally fried from the day my ex gf walks into my home unannounced scaring the crap out of me.  She was wearing her little sleeping dress, kids at home in bed alone (5, 7 & 9) and all wigged out crying and stating we had to talk.  She had the crazy hollow eyes going and was on the verge of a rage.  She was in a dark, dark place as I'd seen her on a number of previous times.  I told her I was completely fried and needed sleep bad.  She then raged, screamed and yelled so loud that a neighbor came to my door later to see if I was ok, and then stormed out shouting that I don't care and that she won't sleep and doesn't know what she's gonna do.  The next day I told her how f'd up that was and she could easily rationalize the whole thing.  She refused to apologize.  She then told her version in a T session and the T told me that I was not sensitive to her needs.  The T also stated that my ex gf needs to turn down the emotions a little.  Then the T stated that we should prepare for the next session by putting ourselves in the other person's shoes to better empathize with them.  I openly said that this was BS and that I dealt with this kind of emotional abuse so many times that I couldn't even count.  The T then said to me that she saw this as normal emotions and that I seem to have a problem dealing with emotions.  I never went back to T with her again.  I couldn't possibly put myself in the shoes of an abuser and my individual T greatly backed me on this decision.  :)uring the next 2 months, my ex gf increased the emotional abuse/blackmail and then repeatedly used her force to push through doors or not allow me to exit rooms along with actually putting her hand on me during our last confrontation together.  She said she did it because she loved me so much before exiting my house and doing several hundreds of dollars of damage to my property!  Yeah, normal emotions huh?

I thank God for my family and my individual T, who all helped me see the light to get out and stay gone.  Although I'm now in a very healthy place in my life, the scars remain.  I remember how painful and embarrassing it was to write down all the incidences of abuse after I left the r/s.  I sent that "diary" to two siblings, a close friend and to my T.  I read the entire thing (20 typed pages) in a T session.  I was even shocked by what I allowed myself to endure.  Anyway, I know now that I made the decision to stay and to hide much of the pain and craziness from those close to me.  I was programmed as a kid to not show emotions or weakness, I'm sure not unlike many men on this forum.  The door is forever closed in my lifetime to emotional and/or physical abuse.  It just took a long time to get here!  

[Octoberfest]

After the breakup my BPDex told others that I was abusive and controlling.

From the article, I:

-Keep constant tabs on you, demanding that you check in with them regularly. They may also monitor where you go and with whom

-Snoop through your emails, texts, instant messages, phone calls and social media profiles

-Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful or require you to “prove” you’re not cheating on them

It didn't start this way.  At the start of the relationship I made a conscious decision that I was NOT going to be the jealous boyfriend and that I was going to trust her to be faithful/have guy friends around all the time, etc.  What that got me was my BPDex having sex with a close friend of mine and making out with my best friend, as well as her dating 3 guys at once at one point.  We would always breakup after I found out about her cheating again and then reconcile.  After awhile I started doing the above things because I felt I had to.  You've heard the saying "Trust, but verify".  I couldn't even trust, so I HAD to verify, and that involved snooping through social media and texts (and finding things), asking where she was going, who she was with, etc. Was I being abusive... . You guys tell me.  In my mind I was doing what I had to do to get the assurance that wasn't out ___ing around again.  Of course the obvious answer is that I should have ended the relationship as soon as I found out about the FIRST instance of infidelity/her and my friends, but it was my first relationship and I was in love.

[Blimblam]

After the breakup my BPDex told others that I was abusive and controlling.

From the article, I:

-Keep constant tabs on you, demanding that you check in with them regularly. They may also monitor where you go and with whom

-Snoop through your emails, texts, instant messages, phone calls and social media profiles

-Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful or require you to “prove” you’re not cheating on them

It didn't start this way.  At the start of the relationship I made a conscious decision that I was NOT going to be the jealous boyfriend and that I was going to trust her to be faithful/have guy friends around all the time, etc.  What that got me was my BPDex having sex with a close friend of mine and making out with my best friend, as well as her dating 3 guys at once at one point.  We would always breakup after I found out about her cheating again and then reconcile.  After awhile I started doing the above things because I felt I had to.  You've heard the saying "Trust, but verify".  I couldn't even trust, so I HAD to verify, and that involved snooping through social media and texts (and finding things), asking where she was going, who she was with, etc. Was I being abusive... . You guys tell me.  In my mind I was doing what I had to do to get the assurance that wasn't outing around again.  Of course the obvious answer is that I should have ended the relationship as soon as I found out about the FIRST instance of infidelity/her and my friends, but it was my first relationship and I was in love.

I know what you mean.  THey never really address regaining your trust though.  Something doesn't feel sincere.  Somehow they have the ability to move past it like it never happened, and you feel like the ass hole that wont let things go.  Start acting in ways you never thought you would and it just goes on to make you think you are crazy and needy and controlling.  All the things they accuse you of.  It is like they created this role for you and now you are in it and it drives you crazy.

[Madison66]

I'm regaining trust in myself first and with others I choose to have in my life.  I started a new r/s with a fantastic non PD lady.  Feels like I'm in a constant "re-recording" mode when I'm relating with her.  I no longer need the protective ban around my heart nor do I need to relate vulnerability with trauma.  There is really no BS and she treats me with kindness and respect.  That is just foreign to me and I'm learning to trust after being in an abusive mess of an r/s.  Finding "safety" in an r/s now is difficult, but not definitely worth putting myself out there for! 

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, Artisan, for posting the article.  I agree, it's taken me a long time to admit to myself that I was in an abusive r/s with my BPDxW, though looking back there's no doubt about it.  The article describes a familiar situation in which the victim (read: me) doesn't want to leave because of fear that the abuser will re-direct his/her rage at the children.  Sad to say, I was in this category until collapsing under the stress.  Much has been written about violence against women, as well it should, but violence against men often seems under the radar, and deserves attention, too.

LuckyJim

[myself]

It was a breakthrough moment for me when my T said, "You're being abused by her". I think I stammered, blushed, became quiet, and began crying all within a few seconds. It was a relief to hear those words, because they were the truth. Here I thought I was just plugging the holes, letting bygones be bygones, learning to not take her angry actions so personally. Being a good man by not biting back. By being there for her because she felt bad. But all along I had been playing along with being hurt. I kept taking it, for the 'team', but there wasn't really a team. NC broke the pattern. I'm still dealing with the feelings.

[Red Sky]

It was a breakthrough moment for me when my T said, "You're being abused by her". I think I stammered, blushed, became quiet, and began crying all within a few seconds. It was a relief to hear those words, because they were the truth. Here I thought I was just plugging the holes, letting bygones be bygones, learning to not take her angry actions so personally.

This. It was just after I NC'd my exgf that I looked found out about relationship recycling and NPD, and realized that my problems came from stuffing down the fact that my last relationship before her wasn't just teenage tantrums that I was immature to hold on to. I read the words 'abusive relationship' and I just sat down on the floor and stayed there for an hour. That breakthrough will take me a long time to work through, and at the same time I'm okay with the fact that I had so much distance from the relationship before I really started processing it.

[Octoberfest]

After the breakup my BPDex told others that I was abusive and controlling.

From the article, I:

-Keep constant tabs on you, demanding that you check in with them regularly. They may also monitor where you go and with whom

-Snoop through your emails, texts, instant messages, phone calls and social media profiles

-Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful or require you to “prove” you’re not cheating on them

It didn't start this way.  At the start of the relationship I made a conscious decision that I was NOT going to be the jealous boyfriend and that I was going to trust her to be faithful/have guy friends around all the time, etc.  What that got me was my BPDex having sex with a close friend of mine and making out with my best friend, as well as her dating 3 guys at once at one point.  We would always breakup after I found out about her cheating again and then reconcile.  After awhile I started doing the above things because I felt I had to.  You've heard the saying "Trust, but verify".  I couldn't even trust, so I HAD to verify, and that involved snooping through social media and texts (and finding things), asking where she was going, who she was with, etc. Was I being abusive... . You guys tell me.  In my mind I was doing what I had to do to get the assurance that wasn't outing around again.  Of course the obvious answer is that I should have ended the relationship as soon as I found out about the FIRST instance of infidelity/her and my friends, but it was my first relationship and I was in love.

I know what you mean.  THey never really address regaining your trust though.  Something doesn't feel sincere.  Somehow they have the ability to move past it like it never happened, and you feel like the ass hole that wont let things go.  Start acting in ways you never thought you would and it just goes on to make you think you are crazy and needy and controlling.  All the things they accuse you of.  It is like they created this role for you and now you are in it and it drives you crazy.

I can't even count the number of times my BPDex and I decided we were going to, "wipe the slate clean and start fresh".  It was necessary considering how many and how often she lied and cheated. Anytime after we did so, bringing up or still being upset about any prior indiscretions was met with... . I don't even know, but it certainly was not understanding.  The things that I managed to rationalize away... .  Honestly I don't blame myself for acting the way I did. I didn't start that way, I became that way because of how I was treated.  Would you be surprised if a dog, who had been beaten for the past 2 weeks, started getting jumpy or nervous or running when they saw their abuser coming? No.  It is conditioned behavior.  I started snooping, asking questions, and making accusations because I had good cause to, and she had a track record of exactly the indiscretions that I was guarding against.  Her problem, not mine.

ETA: My only problem was that I stayed and put up with it for as long as I did.

[Artisan]

So many great replies. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

Once again, it amazes me how many phrases and experiences are so common for us.

I really feel for each and everyone of you and hope that you find peace.

My wake-up call to being abused was after one of the crazy-making sessions that left me in shambles and packing. I hit the road and came to my parents house, shaking, and so stressed out. After I shared some of what was happening, they told me that I sounded like an abused woman.

It had never crossed my mind that what I was experiencing was abuse.

To me, it just didn't make sense and I was falling short in giving her love, that I couldn't be understanding enough, that my angry response to false accusations made me the problem and insensitive.

Honestly, I have to stop the list early because it's long and makes me so angry when I contemplate it for long.

Seeing, and then admitting that it was abuse, was the HARDEST part.

Recognizing that my responses and reactions were also abusive took a great deal of humility. I would reach a breaking point and start yelling, and then withdraw and disappear and not communicate with her. That is also abuse, and though I have justification for it, I'd prefer to never be like that.

In essence, her abuse of me triggered inherent abusive patterns within me ; and I refuse to be that kind of person.

Hence, my decision to leave and not be involved with her. I only acted like this with her, and recognize the triggers.

As I heal, its hard to open up in anyway. I am frightened of women, scared of being hurt, terrified of intimacy.

Before the relationship I was open, communicative, warm and funny.

9 months later, my humor is just starting to come back ; the warmth and open-hearted aspect has yet to unfold.

What frustrates me the most are the days where I feel great and then cycle back into feeling horrible (like today).

[Octoberfest]

So many great replies. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

Once again, it amazes me how many phrases and experiences are so common for us.

I really feel for each and everyone of you and hope that you find peace.

My wake-up call to being abused was after one of the crazy-making sessions that left me in shambles and packing. I hit the road and came to my parents house, shaking, and so stressed out. After I shared some of what was happening, they told me that I sounded like an abused woman.

It had never crossed my mind that what I was experiencing was abuse.

To me, it just didn't make sense and I was falling short in giving her love, that I couldn't be understanding enough, that my angry response to false accusations made me the problem and insensitive.

Honestly, I have to stop the list early because it's long and makes me so angry when I contemplate it for long.

Seeing, and then admitting that it was abuse, was the HARDEST part.

Recognizing that my responses and reactions were also abusive took a great deal of humility. I would reach a breaking point and start yelling, and then withdraw and disappear and not communicate with her. That is also abuse, and though I have justification for it, I'd prefer to never be like that.

In essence, her abuse of me triggered inherent abusive patterns within me ; and I refuse to be that kind of person.

Hence, my decision to leave and not be involved with her. I only acted like this with her, and recognize the triggers.

As I heal, its hard to open up in anyway. I am frightened of women, scared of being hurt, terrified of intimacy.

Before the relationship I was open, communicative, warm and funny.

9 months later, my humor is just starting to come back ; the warmth and open-hearted aspect has yet to unfold.

What frustrates me the most are the days where I feel great and then cycle back into feeling horrible (like today).

This is REALLY frustrating.  It sucks to wake up and feel great, feel like you are over the hump and things are gravy from this point out, only to have a tiny little though light the fuse and all of a sudden experience an explosion of negative thoughts once more.  It really is two steps forward one step back... . and at the end of my BPD relationship I was left with a LONG road ahead of myself, like many others here. It will get better... . for no other reason than it HAS to get better. I reminded myself today that I have suffered emotional turmoil/upset in the past concerning women I've slept with, and at the time I had no other thoughts in my head than the misery I was currently in.  Now I look back at those experiences and I laugh at the "trouble" (because in hindsight nothing was majorly wrong) I was in and at my naivete.  I can only believe that one day I will be able to think of my BPDex, or see her out somewhere, and laugh and think to myself, "Good lord, was that a wild time in my life.  I sure rode the crazy train, what was I thinking... . thank God I got smart and got off"... . and be able to LAUGH while I say that, instead of beating myself up for it.  These people, and these experiences, are only a chapter in the book that is our life.  We get to decide how long their part in our story drags on... . WE are the authors after all, we get to decide when the Brave Warrior finally snaps out of the evil Succubus's spell and moves on with his journey. 

[Tausk]

So many great replies. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

Once again, it amazes me how many phrases and experiences are so common for us.

I really feel for each and everyone of you and hope that you find peace.

My wake-up call to being abused was after one of the crazy-making sessions that left me in shambles and packing. I hit the road and came to my parents house, shaking, and so stressed out. After I shared some of what was happening, they told me that I sounded like an abused woman.

It had never crossed my mind that what I was experiencing was abuse.

To me, it just didn't make sense and I was falling short in giving her love, that I couldn't be understanding enough, that my angry response to false accusations made me the problem and insensitive.

Honestly, I have to stop the list early because it's long and makes me so angry when I contemplate it for long.

Seeing, and then admitting that it was abuse, was the HARDEST part.

Recognizing that my responses and reactions were also abusive took a great deal of humility. I would reach a breaking point and start yelling, and then withdraw and disappear and not communicate with her. That is also abuse, and though I have justification for it, I'd prefer to never be like that.

In essence, her abuse of me triggered inherent abusive patterns within me ; and I refuse to be that kind of person.

Hence, my decision to leave and not be involved with her. I only acted like this with her, and recognize the triggers.

As I heal, its hard to open up in anyway. I am frightened of women, scared of being hurt, terrified of intimacy.

Before the relationship I was open, communicative, warm and funny.

9 months later, my humor is just starting to come back ; the warmth and open-hearted aspect has yet to unfold.

What frustrates me the most are the days where I feel great and then cycle back into feeling horrible (like today).

This is REALLY frustrating.  It sucks to wake up and feel great, feel like you are over the hump and things are gravy from this point out, only to have a tiny little though light the fuse and all of a sudden experience an explosion of negative thoughts once more.  It really is two steps forward one step back... . and at the end of my BPD relationship I was left with a LONG road ahead of myself, like many others here. It will get better... . for no other reason than it HAS to get better. I reminded myself today that I have suffered emotional turmoil/upset in the past concerning women I've slept with, and at the time I had no other thoughts in my head than the misery I was currently in.  Now I look back at those experiences and I laugh at the "trouble" (because in hindsight nothing was majorly wrong) I was in and at my naivete.  I can only believe that one day I will be able to think of my BPDex, or see her out somewhere, and laugh and think to myself, "Good lord, was that a wild time in my life.  I sure rode the crazy train, what was I thinking... . thank God I got smart and got off"... . and be able to LAUGH while I say that, instead of beating myself up for it.  These people, and these experiences, are only a chapter in the book that is our life.  We get to decide how long their part in our story drags on... . WE are the authors after all, we get to decide when the Brave Warrior finally snaps out of the evil Succubus's spell and moves on with his journey. 

Yes recovery takes time.  And that is why it is important to be kind and have patience with ourselves.  The point of this thread was to realize we were in an abusive situation.  And most sadly we were being abused by the person who we loved the most.  And the abuse and trauma was not a one time occurrence, but something that happened subtly and slowly over a long period of time.  Moreover, we didn't recognize the abuse because we were lost in the FOG and and had some FOO issues.

Walking on Eggshells with the person we loved the most... . and than having to suck up the projected shame and anger of my exgfwBPD... . and then losing myself to the point where I had Stockholm Syndrome and excused her behavior to the point of allowing her to cultivate other men as back ups while we still lived together... . sucked sh-t. 

Is it any wonder I can think at all?   If we were POWs we would be willing to give ourselves time to heal.  And in that case, at least we knew who the enemy was. 

And for me, being a man doesn't make it easier since it took me extra long to accept that I was recovering from abuse, thatI  suffered from PTSD due to my FOO issues as well as being with bat sh-t crazy exwBPD, who I loved but whose actions were also sociopathic.  Which is crazier still because I knew that she wasn't sociopathic.

It's all so twisted and it hurts at the deep down core of my spiritual wounds from my FOO issues. 

So it takes time to recovery.  I try to give myself the same compassion that I would give to other people in my situation.   Not enablement, but compassion.  And I ask for patience because that helps some of the suffering. 

But despite the slower than desired progress and sometimes very difficult days, I am often filled with hope and faith, because I am more self aware than I've ever been in my life and I also have a blueprint to follow for even more growth.  The world is really for the first time, really at my fingertips.  And I'm slowly but steadily grasping the principles that I want to incorporate into my life.

In support

T