What is the best way to leave?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After years of researching, trying to understand, setting boundaries, shifting my thinking, behaviors, etc. to "help" our relationship I have come to the conclusion that my husband will never truly admit that he's caused me any kind of pain or heartache, that he will only project it back on me and that he is not willing to put in one bit of effort to make our relationship work (attempted and failed couples therapy was the last straw).  To make it harder I am experiencing symptoms of PTSD from 13 years of abuse, and I am no longer just dealing with him.  My mother in law has shown her true colors in a rage against me, which mimicked every rage he's ever had. 

I am thankful that we don't have children, I am thankful our finances are separate, I am thankful I have a safe place to go, and now as my health deteriorates, I realize that all that is left to "help" is my own soul, because I risk losing that too. 

So, I write to ask advice.  We have a home, to which I feel like I am entitled to at least half. All I want is to get out, but, feel I owe it to my family to take my half.  If I leave before filing, I separate, and then file for divorce do I risk losing what I am entitled to?  We are in a no fault state for divorce.  The only documentation I have is years of journals documenting abuse, and a T I have been seeing for the last 5 years.  We have had a couple of couples therapists (which we saw only a handful of times).  There are no police reports.     

[buterfly]

After years of researching, trying to understand, setting boundaries, shifting my thinking, behaviors, etc. to "help" our relationship I have come to the conclusion that my husband will never truly admit that he's caused me any kind of pain or heartache, that he will only project it back on me and that he is not willing to put in one bit of effort to make our relationship work (attempted and failed couples therapy was the last straw).  To make it harder I am experiencing symptoms of PTSD from 13 years of abuse, and I am no longer just dealing with him.  My mother in law has shown her true colors in a rage against me, which mimicked every rage he's ever had. 

I am thankful that we don't have children, I am thankful our finances are separate, I am thankful I have a safe place to go, and now as my health deteriorates, I realize that all that is left to "help" is my own soul, because I risk losing that too. 

So, I write to ask advice.  We have a home, to which I feel like I am entitled to at least half. All I want is to get out, but, feel I owe it to my family to take my half.  If I leave before filing, I separate, and then file for divorce do I risk losing what I am entitled to?  We are in a no fault state for divorce.  The only documentation I have is years of journals documenting abuse, and a T I have been seeing for the last 5 years.  We have had a couple of couples therapists (which we saw only a handful of times).  There are no police reports.     

[buterfly]

Also, Do I do it when he's not home, should I leave a note?

[Littleleft]

Hi buterfly

Im sorry to hear that your r/s has become unbearable.   

I know how you feel, having only broken up with my pwBPD last weekend.  I was asking the same questions then as to how to actually go about doing it, once I had made the decision that it was necessary for my sanity and safety, as well as genuinely feeling he has a better chance of improving without me due to being an almost constant trigger for him.

The advice I received from others here was that only I could know what was best for me, what I felt was right to say, and what I felt was the best way to go about it. Obviously the same applies for you.  You have to decide what you feel comfortable with.  And safety is important too and by that I mean that if you think your safety would be in danger by telling him in person, then maybe leaving a note is best.  I know it's not the way most of us would like to deliver that kind of message, but as BPD is involved then things are a bit different.

I live in a different country to you so I'm afraid I can't help you with your questions regarding the home and finances etc.

Have you thought about where you would go?  Right before week split up I was trying to get a plan straight in my head about what to do, and was going to ask a friend if i could stay with her for a bit.  She had previously offered to have me stay, knowing how difficult things were.  But as it turned out, my BPDexbf had a nasty bout of dysregulation which led to me calling the police and then his parents picked him up to stay with them.  I broke up with him a couple of days after, feeling it was the only option available really.  I couldn't take anymore of the walking on egg shells, rage, lack of emotional support... . well you know the story!

So although I didn't have to leave myself, I would recommend that you plan what you're going to do as much as you can.  Being prepared will make it a bit easier.

But it sounds like that's what you're doing, by asking questions here 

[buterfly]

Littleleft- I am so happy for you that you were able to break away.  You are right in that I should just trust my instincts, and do what I need to do for my own sanity.  I truly could not tell him in person, unless I had someone else there to help me leave.  The many many times I have tried before have led him to shoving me, throwing my packed bags allover, and raging.  This is not a scenario I care to experience again, I guess that's why I am leaving. 

I will go stay with my parents, it is a safe environment for me, and I have been upfront with them on what is happening and what to expect.  I think I have prepared them as much as a I could. I would love for him to leave, but he won't. 

I think you are right to that it will, in the end be better for him, but it is still sad, it feels like a death.  It is hard to live with him knowing that I won't be here soon.  but I HAVE TO do the right thing for myself.

[Littleleft]

Thanks buterfly 

Definitely do it with someone else there or not in person if you have too.  Your safety must come first.  I had to make sure my BPDexbf's parents we're just outside when I broke it to him, both for my safety and so he had some support quickly at hand.  He did get angry but luckily left when I asked him to.

Sounds like you've got your head round this  .  I know that doesn't make it easy still, but it helps if you know you're doing the right thing and why you're doing it.

Stay strong and keep posting